Reply to When Does It Start Getting Easier

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I have three in the 'bad' time. Ages almost 6, almost 4 and 18 months. We also work full time and have no family help. Closest grandparents are an 8 hour drive away.

I think the person who said it is your temperament and your kids temperament that matters most is on point. And your income TBH.

Our lives are not bad! Although I feel like we are at a point where in a year we will be in a much easier space than we are even now. But we were not struggling when it was the two of them. Especially when we had a nanny, which we had until last June. For me I think the things it comes down to are...

1) If you don't have family nearby, you do need robust and reliable childcare options. Reliable sitters and reliable nanny/daycare. When we had a nanny we had date night built into her salary, every other week she would stay late for a date night. That one night every other week was an important pressure valve for us through those really demanding early months and ensured we made time for each other and because it was the nanny the kids were great with it.

2) Become a psycho sleep person. We are chill people, but we're not chill about sleep. Kids aren't in our beds and they are on a steady reliable daily sleep schedule. We have never been reading books to a 2 year old at 2 am. There is no getting water at 5am. There is sleeping time and awake time and we drill this in from like, I mean we started soft pushing towards a schedule at like 4 weeks old (NOT sleep training then but like, getting them into a schedule then). My kids all slept through the night by 6 weeks with one wake up for a feeding, and slept through entirely by 6-9 months and went to a single nap at 12 months. We have orbited around sleep for almost 5 years, but it makes all of us happier.

3) We are very routine driven people naturally and that helps. Our days do not change very much. Our kids know what to expect. And we kind of have accepted that until our youngest gets to the point where she can occasionally skip naps, that its just less fun to go out and do stuff as a family, so we just don't. We set up our house to be fun and very very kid oriented.

4) I am putting this as 4 but it is IMO the most important one. You need an egalitarian marriage and distribution of work in the household. Or we did. My husband does every load of laundry in this house. Even mine. He did 50% of the night wake ups and feedings, he wakes up and does mornings every other day (and sleeps in the other every other days). he does 50% of the bedtimes. He is 110% capable of watching the kids and doing a triple bedtime if I want to go out with friends and I am capable of doing it so he can do his team sports once a week. We carry each other's burdens and we do it consciously, willingly, and with love.

5) We both have careers, but neither of us has a CAREER. No one needs to work until 11pm. Neither of us are ambitious. We have good paying jobs and we are both entirely satisfied with putting any type of career advancement on the back burner for a few years. And that is BOTH of us, neither of us expects the other to carry the bag while we go off otherwise fulfilled. But we are also present in our careers and both of us are well regarded and respected. And, due to number 4, if one of us does need to put more time into work for some reason, the other one is happy to step up for a bit. We're just not out there seeking promotions etc.

5) You gotta be a little go with the flow and you have to be ok with the chaos. My house is messy a lot. I try to keep up but I don't always keep up. Sometimes you have to not do something you want to do because a kid started puking, and not carry around anger about it. I'm ok with mac and cheese dinners once a week and not making my kids organic chickpea salads every night.

All that said, as I kind of alluded to earlier, every day is a little easier. When my youngest was 9-15 months I think that was the hardest time we went through. She was mobile and a loose cannon and the other two still so little. But literally every month is better as she gets more competent, can understand no, etc. We're about to say goodbye to bottles forever (woohoo!) and within a year I think we will be saying goodbye to diapers! Saying goodbye to formula was huge. We are in a position where every few months we get to offload some large 'baby' responsibility. Now they can all walk if we need them to! I think that when the youngest is like 2.5-3 we will be in a MUCH easier place, and every year after that!

I will say the one thing that really rings true is that it is harder to give them all the individual attention they need. My oldest I think in particular doesn't always get everything she needs from us and I've been trying to consciously put more time in with her. But they are also a little pack and love each other so much. We work hard on building a culture of how important family is, being there for each other, sticking up for each other, being a GOOD brother and a GOOD sister etc. And so there are pros and cons.

This is really long. I feel like the TL/DR is, if you can let go a bit and work hard to set up the infrastructure you need to feel supported and happy and healthy then three is doable. But if you can't, then stopping at 2 is fine![/quote]

i like you :)[/quote]

I also really liked this post. I have two and they are younger than hours but so much of this resonated with our home and lifestyle and goals right now. And we don't even plan to have a third. You seem very nice and grounded, PP![/quote]

This was great to read. We have two littles and want a third, and will likely have a similar age spread. So much of your philosophy we agree with (the importance of sleep, egalitarian parenting, both having careers but not CAREERS, routine, all of that). I really wish I knew you in real life or you had a blog or something - I'd love to be able to pick your brain as we move through the same stages you've moved through - You're us, just four years ahead! Or at least, I hope so![/quote]

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