Noncustodial Parent Relocation - Who Handles Transport?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this situation. It sucked. It made it next to impossible for me to participate in anything that required me to consistently be there on the weekends. I missed homecoming my freshman and sophomore year because it was my dad's weekend and he wouldn't switch or let me skip. His stance was that spending time with him was more important than anything else I could be doing at age 14-18, and this mentality contributed pretty significantly to our tense relationship through my 20s.

At some point, your ex is going to need to recognize that your kids are going to have social needs that are different than they were when they were little kids. It is a big thing to require kids to leave their lives behind every weekend.

I don't want to hijack this thread, but my ex is that type of parent. Any tips on how to navigate this for my DS? I'm very flexible with my ex when I can be on schedules/weekends/etc. so I can have some leeway for DS's important events and playdates, and if I play all my cards right, I get to convince my ex that it was his idea or in his benefit to switch weekends/time for DS. But, it doesn't always line up and it's so much mental work! Also, I'm sorry you went through that.

Parents are more important than playdates.

I'm the original PP whose parents had this situation.

That you say "playdates" tells me that your children are younger, or that you see them as younger. The OP's kids are 14 and 16. They do not have "playdates." OP likely does not do a whole lot to arrange their social lives (e.g., have "playdates") because they are teenagers. Developmentally, it is important for teenagers to spend time with their friends, developing their interests and talents. There are ways to balance social needs and family needs, even in divorced families. My dad made no effort to balance those needs. His take was that he shouldn't have to because he didn't want a divorce, for my mom to move, etc. That is not a good way to approach the situation at all.

I agree that playdates for younger children can be scheduled at the convenience of the scheduling parent fairly easily. I also agree that spending time with the non-custodial parent is important, and FWIW, my relationship with my father now is great. But I'm 40. When I was 15 and had to explain to my boyfriend why I couldn't be his date to the homecoming dance, or when I wasn't allowed to try out for any school plays or sports because my dad refused to commit to allowing me to go any school activities, all I saw was that my dad was ruining my life, preventing me from doing stuff, etc. to punish my mom. He was pretty clear about that. When I would get the courage to ask about a specific thing, his response would invariably be, "That sounds like something you should complain to your mom about, since if she hadn't decided to get divorced and move, you'd be going to high school here and going to homecoming here and this wouldn't be an issue."

To the other PP, I don't know how you can navigate the dynamic. I never resented my mom for divorcing my dad OR moving. She went out of her way to make it as easy on us as possible. W/R/T the OP of this thread, they were court-ordered to split the driving, so usually the way it worked was that she would drive us down and he would drive us back. After a while, she agreed to do ALL the driving because the drives back with him were fairly excruciating for me (my dad is a great study in how NOT to parent post-divorce, despite our excellent relationship now). But the distance between them was only about 45 minutes so it was less intrusive than what OP is describing.

Your Dad probably only had limited time with you so you missing a weekend if you only saw him 1-2 weekends a month was a big deal. Your room could have been more flexible and she could have agreed to a more flexible schedule or switch days so you could attend those things. If he gets 48 hours, 16 hours are sleeping, then that's very little time with your child. But, this isn't your situation.

Dad has a right to his visitation. Dad shouldn't be restricted on moving. BUT, since Dad is moving away and its not forced/work related/another good reason, he needs to provide 100% of the transportation back and forth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d offer to drive 30 minutes (a total of one hour of round trip driving for you) for each pick up and drop off because it makes you look like a team player who isn’t throwing up roadblocks to visitation, but at the same time, I’d suggest an alternative visitation schedule that is less disruptive to your kids’ extracurricular activities and requires less travel, but gives Dad the same amount of time. Maybe he gets them one weekend a month, plus a long stretch in the summer, plus a good chunk of spring break and a few days between Christmas and New Years’s, even if you have Christmas.

I agree. Seems like 30 minutes driving might equal the 25 miles (half of the 50 miles in your agreement). Have the children spoken to him directly (without you) expressing their desire that he stay close? Maybe they should. This is their life, they aren’t baskets being handed off back and forth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this situation. It sucked. It made it next to impossible for me to participate in anything that required me to consistently be there on the weekends. I missed homecoming my freshman and sophomore year because it was my dad's weekend and he wouldn't switch or let me skip. His stance was that spending time with him was more important than anything else I could be doing at age 14-18, and this mentality contributed pretty significantly to our tense relationship through my 20s.

At some point, your ex is going to need to recognize that your kids are going to have social needs that are different than they were when they were little kids. It is a big thing to require kids to leave their lives behind every weekend.

I don't want to hijack this thread, but my ex is that type of parent. Any tips on how to navigate this for my DS? I'm very flexible with my ex when I can be on schedules/weekends/etc. so I can have some leeway for DS's important events and playdates, and if I play all my cards right, I get to convince my ex that it was his idea or in his benefit to switch weekends/time for DS. But, it doesn't always line up and it's so much mental work! Also, I'm sorry you went through that.

Parents are more important than playdates.

I'm the original PP whose parents had this situation.

That you say "playdates" tells me that your children are younger, or that you see them as younger. The OP's kids are 14 and 16. They do not have "playdates." OP likely does not do a whole lot to arrange their social lives (e.g., have "playdates") because they are teenagers. Developmentally, it is important for teenagers to spend time with their friends, developing their interests and talents. There are ways to balance social needs and family needs, even in divorced families. My dad made no effort to balance those needs. His take was that he shouldn't have to because he didn't want a divorce, for my mom to move, etc. That is not a good way to approach the situation at all.

I agree that playdates for younger children can be scheduled at the convenience of the scheduling parent fairly easily. I also agree that spending time with the non-custodial parent is important, and FWIW, my relationship with my father now is great. But I'm 40. When I was 15 and had to explain to my boyfriend why I couldn't be his date to the homecoming dance, or when I wasn't allowed to try out for any school plays or sports because my dad refused to commit to allowing me to go any school activities, all I saw was that my dad was ruining my life, preventing me from doing stuff, etc. to punish my mom. He was pretty clear about that. When I would get the courage to ask about a specific thing, his response would invariably be, "That sounds like something you should complain to your mom about, since if she hadn't decided to get divorced and move, you'd be going to high school here and going to homecoming here and this wouldn't be an issue."

To the other PP, I don't know how you can navigate the dynamic. I never resented my mom for divorcing my dad OR moving. She went out of her way to make it as easy on us as possible. W/R/T the OP of this thread, they were court-ordered to split the driving, so usually the way it worked was that she would drive us down and he would drive us back. After a while, she agreed to do ALL the driving because the drives back with him were fairly excruciating for me (my dad is a great study in how NOT to parent post-divorce, despite our excellent relationship now). But the distance between them was only about 45 minutes so it was less intrusive than what OP is describing.

Your Dad probably only had limited time with you so you missing a weekend if you only saw him 1-2 weekends a month was a big deal. Your room could have been more flexible and she could have agreed to a more flexible schedule or switch days so you could attend those things. If he gets 48 hours, 16 hours are sleeping, then that's very little time with your child. But, this isn't your situation.

Dad has a right to his visitation. Dad shouldn't be restricted on moving. BUT, since Dad is moving away and its not forced/work related/another good reason, he needs to provide 100% of the transportation back and forth.

Hogwash, I am sorry but PP has said plainly that Dad refused to cooperate in allowing her to have full life because he was mad at Mom. That was not spending quality time with a parent. That was revenge against his ex wife, storing up resentment in his daughter for years. Softball every weekend with no time with Dad is one thing, the once a year dance is being mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, let him move. He barely sees the kids but he should be responsible for all transportation. Don’t give in. He is moving, not you. You continue to drive the same distance and that is it.

OP here. I’m repeating myself now, but again…if I refuse to continue to split the driving 50/50 after ex moves, and we have to go to mediation/court to resolve this dispute, I’m afraid a judge will just tell me we have to split it equally anyway. In which case I will have wasted $$$$ for nothing.

Which is why I was trying to figure out the actual odds of winning this fight in court.

OP, no one on this forum knows your jurisdiction or set of judges. The only person that could give you “odds” is your attorney in that jurisdiction who handles family court cases and spends her life in front of those judges all the time. You need to consult with your attorney, period. A one hour meeting hopefully will not be too expensive and then you can decide how to proceed. Signed, a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Can't believe dad wouldn't drive 45 minutes each way to take you to Homecoming. Jerk

Was he born American? Did he not want you to date?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this situation. It sucked. It made it next to impossible for me to participate in anything that required me to consistently be there on the weekends. I missed homecoming my freshman and sophomore year because it was my dad's weekend and he wouldn't switch or let me skip. His stance was that spending time with him was more important than anything else I could be doing at age 14-18, and this mentality contributed pretty significantly to our tense relationship through my 20s.

At some point, your ex is going to need to recognize that your kids are going to have social needs that are different than they were when they were little kids. It is a big thing to require kids to leave their lives behind every weekend.

I don't want to hijack this thread, but my ex is that type of parent. Any tips on how to navigate this for my DS? I'm very flexible with my ex when I can be on schedules/weekends/etc. so I can have some leeway for DS's important events and playdates, and if I play all my cards right, I get to convince my ex that it was his idea or in his benefit to switch weekends/time for DS. But, it doesn't always line up and it's so much mental work! Also, I'm sorry you went through that.

Parents are more important than playdates.

Kids grow, you know, and have their own commitments. Games, practices, rehearsals, etc., not to mention friends. Are those all subsidiary?

If it's so all-fired important to see a parent, the parent could insist on a 50/50 schedule. But to take only every other weekend, and then hold kids hostage because you have to see them (but only on your schedule) is incredibly selfish

Yes, but the custodial parent also needs to make sure that there's a relationship. Sabotaging your kid's relationship with their other parent by prioritizing playdates over visitation is going to backfire, because your inflexibility is going to make it less likely to be flexible or take your word that flexibility is needed.

If a kid is young enough to be having playdates, they need to be scheduled around visitation. Then when there's a well established relationship a middle schooler or high school student should be able to advocate for changes in visitation for important events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d offer to drive 30 minutes (a total of one hour of round trip driving for you) for each pick up and drop off because it makes you look like a team player who isn’t throwing up roadblocks to visitation, but at the same time, I’d suggest an alternative visitation schedule that is less disruptive to your kids’ extracurricular activities and requires less travel, but gives Dad the same amount of time. Maybe he gets them one weekend a month, plus a long stretch in the summer, plus a good chunk of spring break and a few days between Christmas and New Years’s, even if you have Christmas.

I agree. Seems like 30 minutes driving might equal the 25 miles (half of the 50 miles in your agreement). Have the children spoken to him directly (without you) expressing their desire that he stay close? Maybe they should. This is their life, they aren’t baskets being handed off back and forth.

+1 to this - OP, the choice is not you agree to 50% or mediation/court where you may lose. Negotiate with him. Make sure it's in writing. Remember, the burden is ON HIM to make the case that he wants to move and change the 50 mile rule and that you should be forced to support that. That's a high bar. Go talk to your lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this situation. It sucked. It made it next to impossible for me to participate in anything that required me to consistently be there on the weekends. I missed homecoming my freshman and sophomore year because it was my dad's weekend and he wouldn't switch or let me skip. His stance was that spending time with him was more important than anything else I could be doing at age 14-18, and this mentality contributed pretty significantly to our tense relationship through my 20s.

At some point, your ex is going to need to recognize that your kids are going to have social needs that are different than they were when they were little kids. It is a big thing to require kids to leave their lives behind every weekend.

I don't want to hijack this thread, but my ex is that type of parent. Any tips on how to navigate this for my DS? I'm very flexible with my ex when I can be on schedules/weekends/etc. so I can have some leeway for DS's important events and playdates, and if I play all my cards right, I get to convince my ex that it was his idea or in his benefit to switch weekends/time for DS. But, it doesn't always line up and it's so much mental work! Also, I'm sorry you went through that.

Parents are more important than playdates.

I'm the original PP whose parents had this situation.

That you say "playdates" tells me that your children are younger, or that you see them as younger. The OP's kids are 14 and 16. They do not have "playdates." OP likely does not do a whole lot to arrange their social lives (e.g., have "playdates") because they are teenagers. Developmentally, it is important for teenagers to spend time with their friends, developing their interests and talents. There are ways to balance social needs and family needs, even in divorced families. My dad made no effort to balance those needs. His take was that he shouldn't have to because he didn't want a divorce, for my mom to move, etc. That is not a good way to approach the situation at all.

I agree that playdates for younger children can be scheduled at the convenience of the scheduling parent fairly easily. I also agree that spending time with the non-custodial parent is important, and FWIW, my relationship with my father now is great. But I'm 40. When I was 15 and had to explain to my boyfriend why I couldn't be his date to the homecoming dance, or when I wasn't allowed to try out for any school plays or sports because my dad refused to commit to allowing me to go any school activities, all I saw was that my dad was ruining my life, preventing me from doing stuff, etc. to punish my mom. He was pretty clear about that. When I would get the courage to ask about a specific thing, his response would invariably be, "That sounds like something you should complain to your mom about, since if she hadn't decided to get divorced and move, you'd be going to high school here and going to homecoming here and this wouldn't be an issue."

To the other PP, I don't know how you can navigate the dynamic. I never resented my mom for divorcing my dad OR moving. She went out of her way to make it as easy on us as possible. W/R/T the OP of this thread, they were court-ordered to split the driving, so usually the way it worked was that she would drive us down and he would drive us back. After a while, she agreed to do ALL the driving because the drives back with him were fairly excruciating for me (my dad is a great study in how NOT to parent post-divorce, despite our excellent relationship now). But the distance between them was only about 45 minutes so it was less intrusive than what OP is describing.

Your Dad probably only had limited time with you so you missing a weekend if you only saw him 1-2 weekends a month was a big deal. Your room could have been more flexible and she could have agreed to a more flexible schedule or switch days so you could attend those things. If he gets 48 hours, 16 hours are sleeping, then that's very little time with your child. But, this isn't your situation.

Dad has a right to his visitation. Dad shouldn't be restricted on moving. BUT, since Dad is moving away and its not forced/work related/another good reason, he needs to provide 100% of the transportation back and forth.

Hogwash, I am sorry but PP has said plainly that Dad refused to cooperate in allowing her to have full life because he was mad at Mom. That was not spending quality time with a parent. That was revenge against his ex wife, storing up resentment in his daughter for years. Softball every weekend with no time with Dad is one thing, the once a year dance is being mean.

None of this is relevant to OP. The issue is who should provide transportation given THIS move away. Dad should.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe your ex could get a hotel room in the area every other weekend and have his visitation there.

Your kids are going to be so miserable. I am sorry for them. Whatever you all decide to do with transportation, I would push that he has to do pick up at your house. Then it's up to your kids to get in his car. Otherwise, if they refuse to get in your car, your ex can claim that you didn't do your part in delivering them.

+1 on this. Also, your kids are old enough to have a voice in this. I would have them write a letter to the courts. They may need their own court appointed advocate or you and the x split the lawyer fees for a kids attorney.
But you can't force a teen to go for visits. Nor is it fair to ask them to miss out on school and community activities.
Most importantly if you ex wants to modify the custody agreement they have to file with the courts. By moving beyond the 50 miles written in the custody papers THEY are changing the agreement. Therefore they have to file with the courts to make the change. This allows the kids. Chance to voice their wishes. Most courts consider what the kids want once they are 12+.
If you ex wants to see them he should need to come to them most of the time. Sure maybe some weekends or breaks that they don't have activities or job they can go out their. But, at their ages that wouldn't happen too often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe your ex could get a hotel room in the area every other weekend and have his visitation there.

Your kids are going to be so miserable. I am sorry for them. Whatever you all decide to do with transportation, I would push that he has to do pick up at your house. Then it's up to your kids to get in his car. Otherwise, if they refuse to get in your car, your ex can claim that you didn't do your part in delivering them.

+1 on this. Also, your kids are old enough to have a voice in this. I would have them write a letter to the courts. They may need their own court appointed advocate or you and the x split the lawyer fees for a kids attorney.
But you can't force a teen to go for visits. Nor is it fair to ask them to miss out on school and community activities.
Most importantly if you ex wants to modify the custody agreement they have to file with the courts. By moving beyond the 50 miles written in the custody papers THEY are changing the agreement. Therefore they have to file with the courts to make the change. This allows the kids. Chance to voice their wishes. Most courts consider what the kids want once they are 12+.
If you ex wants to see them he should need to come to them most of the time. Sure maybe some weekends or breaks that they don't have activities or job they can go out their. But, at their ages that wouldn't happen too often.

Visitation is NOT optional. This is really bad advice. Being with a parent takes priority over school and community activities. He sees his kids twice a month for 4 days total. Thats unreasonable to stop 4 day a month visitation. Its funny how people complain Dad's aren't involved and attitudes like this where your kids don't have to go or even see their dad are why Dad's are into involved. He is allow to move. He needs to drive them. No judge is going to tell a Dad with limited visitation he cannot move. He may require him to do all the transportations which is reasonable. Stop forcing kids to make adult life long decisions that ultimately will hurt them. Most kids will choose what their primary parent wants as not to upset them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men are seriously selfish and stupid when it comes to their kids and sex partners.

He only has limited visitation. Its not unreasonable for either parent to move for what ever reason, including a relationship. If he had shared custody it would be different. He is welcome to move but needs to do all the transportation outside what OP already does.

Once again, yes, it is unreasonable, because he signed a legally binding document stating he would not move more than 50 miles away. The End.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe your ex could get a hotel room in the area every other weekend and have his visitation there.

Your kids are going to be so miserable. I am sorry for them. Whatever you all decide to do with transportation, I would push that he has to do pick up at your house. Then it's up to your kids to get in his car. Otherwise, if they refuse to get in your car, your ex can claim that you didn't do your part in delivering them.

+1 on this. Also, your kids are old enough to have a voice in this. I would have them write a letter to the courts. They may need their own court appointed advocate or you and the x split the lawyer fees for a kids attorney.
But you can't force a teen to go for visits. Nor is it fair to ask them to miss out on school and community activities.
Most importantly if you ex wants to modify the custody agreement they have to file with the courts. By moving beyond the 50 miles written in the custody papers THEY are changing the agreement. Therefore they have to file with the courts to make the change. This allows the kids. Chance to voice their wishes. Most courts consider what the kids want once they are 12+.
If you ex wants to see them he should need to come to them most of the time. Sure maybe some weekends or breaks that they don't have activities or job they can go out their. But, at their ages that wouldn't happen too often.

Visitation is NOT optional. This is really bad advice. Being with a parent takes priority over school and community activities. He sees his kids twice a month for 4 days total. Thats unreasonable to stop 4 day a month visitation. Its funny how people complain Dad's aren't involved and attitudes like this where your kids don't have to go or even see their dad are why Dad's are into involved. He is allow to move. He needs to drive them. No judge is going to tell a Dad with limited visitation he cannot move. He may require him to do all the transportations which is reasonable. Stop forcing kids to make adult life long decisions that ultimately will hurt them. Most kids will choose what their primary parent wants as not to upset them.

Hi, angry non-primary-custodial Dad! Actually, no. Dad should not have signed legal paperwork that he would not move more than 50 miles away while the children were minors if he did not intend to follow it. He is not "allow" (sic) to move under these conditions. I hope when they go to court to adjudicate this change Dad is demanding, OP's mid to late teens kids get to have their say and reduce Dad's visitiation so they can do the things *they* want to do with their weekends, since shacking up in the boondocks with his short-term girlfriend was, as his actions (words are meaningless) make abundantly clear, was more important to Dad than spending time with them in the few years before they go to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe your ex could get a hotel room in the area every other weekend and have his visitation there.

Your kids are going to be so miserable. I am sorry for them. Whatever you all decide to do with transportation, I would push that he has to do pick up at your house. Then it's up to your kids to get in his car. Otherwise, if they refuse to get in your car, your ex can claim that you didn't do your part in delivering them.

+1 on this. Also, your kids are old enough to have a voice in this. I would have them write a letter to the courts. They may need their own court appointed advocate or you and the x split the lawyer fees for a kids attorney.
But you can't force a teen to go for visits. Nor is it fair to ask them to miss out on school and community activities.
Most importantly if you ex wants to modify the custody agreement they have to file with the courts. By moving beyond the 50 miles written in the custody papers THEY are changing the agreement. Therefore they have to file with the courts to make the change. This allows the kids. Chance to voice their wishes. Most courts consider what the kids want once they are 12+.
If you ex wants to see them he should need to come to them most of the time. Sure maybe some weekends or breaks that they don't have activities or job they can go out their. But, at their ages that wouldn't happen too often.

Visitation is NOT optional. This is really bad advice. Being with a parent takes priority over school and community activities. He sees his kids twice a month for 4 days total. Thats unreasonable to stop 4 day a month visitation. Its funny how people complain Dad's aren't involved and attitudes like this where your kids don't have to go or even see their dad are why Dad's are into involved. He is allow to move. He needs to drive them. No judge is going to tell a Dad with limited visitation he cannot move. He may require him to do all the transportations which is reasonable. Stop forcing kids to make adult life long decisions that ultimately will hurt them. Most kids will choose what their primary parent wants as not to upset them.

Hi, angry non-primary-custodial Dad! Actually, no. Dad should not have signed legal paperwork that he would not move more than 50 miles away while the children were minors if he did not intend to follow it. He is not "allow" (sic) to move under these conditions. I hope when they go to court to adjudicate this change Dad is demanding, OP's mid to late teens kids get to have their say and reduce Dad's visitiation so they can do the things *they* want to do with their weekends, since shacking up in the boondocks with his short-term girlfriend was, as his actions (words are meaningless) make abundantly clear, was more important to Dad than spending time with them in the few years before they go to college.

I'm not a NCP Dad. Dad has the kids 4 days a month. Yes, he has every right to move. It would be different with 50-50 but he is a visitor in these kids lives. The only issue is transportation. He needs to drive. Dad and Mom both have a right to move on. Mom seems to have no issue with him moving but doesn't feel she should share transportation given the distance and she is correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kids are 14 and 16 and aren’t going to want to be trapped in the middle of nowhere every other weekend. Has your ex considered this? Is your 16 year old driving?

16 year old can drive but does not have their own car, nor am I comfortable letting my kid drive my car 3 hours round trip every other weekend with little sibling in the car (and more in the summer).

Ex thinks the schedule should stay exactly the same. Kids are very unhappy about it.

I asked about 16 year old driving not to drive there 80 miles away but so they aren’t trapped in the middle of nowhere every other weekend and can at least drive 15 minutes away to get ice cream or go to a movie. I think your kids aren’t going to be willing to go on a regular basis. If your kids are unhappy I would have them send that parent a text so there is documentation they don’t want that parent to move.

OP here: But what is that going to do? Can’t I still be held in contempt for not following our court ordered schedule? I know they don’t want to go
- they are adamant about that - but I also know my ex has a right to see our kids. I don’t want to get in trouble for not facilitating visitation, or telling them “yes you can stay here this weekend instead, I know Larlo’s party is very important to you.”

Tell him you will drive them to the 10 min location. He will pick them up and drop them off. Also offer him additional visit time during the week so that he can decline... yes, I’m sorry to say he is setting you up to be the bad guy. Why can’t the move wait 4 years. He wants an out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe your ex could get a hotel room in the area every other weekend and have his visitation there.

Your kids are going to be so miserable. I am sorry for them. Whatever you all decide to do with transportation, I would push that he has to do pick up at your house. Then it's up to your kids to get in his car. Otherwise, if they refuse to get in your car, your ex can claim that you didn't do your part in delivering them.

+1 on this. Also, your kids are old enough to have a voice in this. I would have them write a letter to the courts. They may need their own court appointed advocate or you and the x split the lawyer fees for a kids attorney.
But you can't force a teen to go for visits. Nor is it fair to ask them to miss out on school and community activities.
Most importantly if you ex wants to modify the custody agreement they have to file with the courts. By moving beyond the 50 miles written in the custody papers THEY are changing the agreement. Therefore they have to file with the courts to make the change. This allows the kids. Chance to voice their wishes. Most courts consider what the kids want once they are 12+.
If you ex wants to see them he should need to come to them most of the time. Sure maybe some weekends or breaks that they don't have activities or job they can go out their. But, at their ages that wouldn't happen too often.

Visitation is NOT optional. This is really bad advice. Being with a parent takes priority over school and community activities. He sees his kids twice a month for 4 days total. Thats unreasonable to stop 4 day a month visitation. Its funny how people complain Dad's aren't involved and attitudes like this where your kids don't have to go or even see their dad are why Dad's are into involved. He is allow to move. He needs to drive them. No judge is going to tell a Dad with limited visitation he cannot move. He may require him to do all the transportations which is reasonable. Stop forcing kids to make adult life long decisions that ultimately will hurt them. Most kids will choose what their primary parent wants as not to upset them.

If the kids are so important why is dad moving. Selfish.