Noncustodial Parent Relocation - Who Handles Transport?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell yourself ex is moving for work and see if you feel differently. Yes the extra driving sucks because you are not used to it. But you have been lucky it’s been so close all this time. Their Dad wants to continue visitation, there are a lot of dead beat dads out there. I would try my best to make this work.

OP here. I moved on and remarried several years ago. I have no insecurities/jealousies about my ex’s new relationship (although I was surprised ex is moving in with someone they’ve been with for a very short period of time). Ex’s reasons for moving doesn’t really play into my concern.

And I’m not just lucky; we both signed a stipulation saying neither of us would move outside of the area. We both agreed to stay here and raise our kids here; ex is the one going back on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell yourself ex is moving for work and see if you feel differently. Yes the extra driving sucks because you are not used to it. But you have been lucky it’s been so close all this time. Their Dad wants to continue visitation, there are a lot of dead beat dads out there. I would try my best to make this work.

OP here. I moved on and remarried several years ago. I have no insecurities/jealousies about my ex’s new relationship (although I was surprised ex is moving in with someone they’ve been with for a very short period of time). Ex’s reasons for moving doesn’t really play into my concern.

And I’m not just lucky; we both signed a stipulation saying neither of us would move outside of the area. We both agreed to stay here and raise our kids here; ex is the one going back on that.

Well I guess he can’t move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would get an updated parenting agreement that Ex does majority of the driving since he is the one moving. If you want to be charitable, you can offer to meet him part way once every 4th time.

OP here: ex is currently refusing to do anything other than split driving 50/50.

I will speak with my attorney and see what he says. But I’m scared to spend $$$$ fighting this battle and lose.

what a selfish jerk. he couldn't wait a few years before moving that far away?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell yourself ex is moving for work and see if you feel differently. Yes the extra driving sucks because you are not used to it. But you have been lucky it’s been so close all this time. Their Dad wants to continue visitation, there are a lot of dead beat dads out there. I would try my best to make this work.

OP here. I moved on and remarried several years ago. I have no insecurities/jealousies about my ex’s new relationship (although I was surprised ex is moving in with someone they’ve been with for a very short period of time). Ex’s reasons for moving doesn’t really play into my concern.

And I’m not just lucky; we both signed a stipulation saying neither of us would move outside of the area. We both agreed to stay here and raise our kids here; ex is the one going back on that.

Well I guess he can’t move.

He COULD move if he made a reasonable, good-faith effort to accommodate the situation -- by flexing his visitation time so his kids don't miss out on activities, and by doing more of the driving. But instead he's proposing a bottom line of breaching the agreement AND making OP and his children bear all the burden of it. That's a really, really crappy way to start out something that should be a negotiation with kid's best interests in mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would get an updated parenting agreement that Ex does majority of the driving since he is the one moving. If you want to be charitable, you can offer to meet him part way once every 4th time.

OP here: ex is currently refusing to do anything other than split driving 50/50.

I will speak with my attorney and see what he says. But I’m scared to spend $$$$ fighting this battle and lose.

what a selfish jerk. he couldn't wait a few years before moving that far away?

OP here: I don’t think ex is a jerk, but I do think ex is unreasonable for wanting to move this far away and expecting nothing else (schedule, transportation logistics) to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this situation. It sucked. It made it next to impossible for me to participate in anything that required me to consistently be there on the weekends. I missed homecoming my freshman and sophomore year because it was my dad's weekend and he wouldn't switch or let me skip. His stance was that spending time with him was more important than anything else I could be doing at age 14-18, and this mentality contributed pretty significantly to our tense relationship through my 20s.

At some point, your ex is going to need to recognize that your kids are going to have social needs that are different than they were when they were little kids. It is a big thing to require kids to leave their lives behind every weekend.

I don't want to hijack this thread, but my ex is that type of parent. Any tips on how to navigate this for my DS? I'm very flexible with my ex when I can be on schedules/weekends/etc. so I can have some leeway for DS's important events and playdates, and if I play all my cards right, I get to convince my ex that it was his idea or in his benefit to switch weekends/time for DS. But, it doesn't always line up and it's so much mental work! Also, I'm sorry you went through that.

Parents are more important than playdates.

I'm the original PP whose parents had this situation.

That you say "playdates" tells me that your children are younger, or that you see them as younger. The OP's kids are 14 and 16. They do not have "playdates." OP likely does not do a whole lot to arrange their social lives (e.g., have "playdates") because they are teenagers. Developmentally, it is important for teenagers to spend time with their friends, developing their interests and talents. There are ways to balance social needs and family needs, even in divorced families. My dad made no effort to balance those needs. His take was that he shouldn't have to because he didn't want a divorce, for my mom to move, etc. That is not a good way to approach the situation at all.

I agree that playdates for younger children can be scheduled at the convenience of the scheduling parent fairly easily. I also agree that spending time with the non-custodial parent is important, and FWIW, my relationship with my father now is great. But I'm 40. When I was 15 and had to explain to my boyfriend why I couldn't be his date to the homecoming dance, or when I wasn't allowed to try out for any school plays or sports because my dad refused to commit to allowing me to go any school activities, all I saw was that my dad was ruining my life, preventing me from doing stuff, etc. to punish my mom. He was pretty clear about that. When I would get the courage to ask about a specific thing, his response would invariably be, "That sounds like something you should complain to your mom about, since if she hadn't decided to get divorced and move, you'd be going to high school here and going to homecoming here and this wouldn't be an issue."

To the other PP, I don't know how you can navigate the dynamic. I never resented my mom for divorcing my dad OR moving. She went out of her way to make it as easy on us as possible. W/R/T the OP of this thread, they were court-ordered to split the driving, so usually the way it worked was that she would drive us down and he would drive us back. After a while, she agreed to do ALL the driving because the drives back with him were fairly excruciating for me (my dad is a great study in how NOT to parent post-divorce, despite our excellent relationship now). But the distance between them was only about 45 minutes so it was less intrusive than what OP is describing.

[Anonymous]

Men are seriously selfish and stupid when it comes to their kids and sex partners.

[Anonymous]

Op, let him move. He barely sees the kids but he should be responsible for all transportation. Don’t give in. He is moving, not you. You continue to drive the same distance and that is it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell yourself ex is moving for work and see if you feel differently. Yes the extra driving sucks because you are not used to it. But you have been lucky it’s been so close all this time. Their Dad wants to continue visitation, there are a lot of dead beat dads out there. I would try my best to make this work.

OP here. I moved on and remarried several years ago. I have no insecurities/jealousies about my ex’s new relationship (although I was surprised ex is moving in with someone they’ve been with for a very short period of time). Ex’s reasons for moving doesn’t really play into my concern.

And I’m not just lucky; we both signed a stipulation saying neither of us would move outside of the area. We both agreed to stay here and raise our kids here; ex is the one going back on that.

Well I guess he can’t move.

He COULD move if he made a reasonable, good-faith effort to accommodate the situation -- by flexing his visitation time so his kids don't miss out on activities, and by doing more of the driving. But instead he's proposing a bottom line of breaching the agreement AND making OP and his children bear all the burden of it. That's a really, really crappy way to start out something that should be a negotiation with kid's best interests in mind.

He can move. He probably sees the kids twice a month. He can do that but he needs to do all the driving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell yourself ex is moving for work and see if you feel differently. Yes the extra driving sucks because you are not used to it. But you have been lucky it’s been so close all this time. Their Dad wants to continue visitation, there are a lot of dead beat dads out there. I would try my best to make this work.

OP here. I moved on and remarried several years ago. I have no insecurities/jealousies about my ex’s new relationship (although I was surprised ex is moving in with someone they’ve been with for a very short period of time). Ex’s reasons for moving doesn’t really play into my concern.

And I’m not just lucky; we both signed a stipulation saying neither of us would move outside of the area. We both agreed to stay here and raise our kids here; ex is the one going back on that.

Well I guess he can’t move.

He's breaking a legal agreement and will not have a leg to stand on. This is NOT your problem, and I've never heard of a court forcing the custodial parent to handle transportation once the other parent decided to move away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, let him move. He barely sees the kids but he should be responsible for all transportation. Don’t give in. He is moving, not you. You continue to drive the same distance and that is it.

OP here. I’m repeating myself now, but again…if I refuse to continue to split the driving 50/50 after ex moves, and we have to go to mediation/court to resolve this dispute, I’m afraid a judge will just tell me we have to split it equally anyway. In which case I will have wasted $$$$ for nothing.

Which is why I was trying to figure out the actual odds of winning this fight in court.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, let him move. He barely sees the kids but he should be responsible for all transportation. Don’t give in. He is moving, not you. You continue to drive the same distance and that is it.

OP here. I’m repeating myself now, but again…if I refuse to continue to split the driving 50/50 after ex moves, and we have to go to mediation/court to resolve this dispute, I’m afraid a judge will just tell me we have to split it equally anyway. In which case I will have wasted $$$$ for nothing.

Which is why I was trying to figure out the actual odds of winning this fight in court ck.

You’re not going to figure out the odds of winning this. It’s a fool’s errand.

Even if you’re 98% likely to win, you could still get assigned the old misogynistic judge who’s still bitter about his divorce and makes you do the driving. This fact finding mission is an exercise in futility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, let him move. He barely sees the kids but he should be responsible for all transportation. Don’t give in. He is moving, not you. You continue to drive the same distance and that is it.

OP here. I’m repeating myself now, but again…if I refuse to continue to split the driving 50/50 after ex moves, and we have to go to mediation/court to resolve this dispute, I’m afraid a judge will just tell me we have to split it equally anyway. In which case I will have wasted $$$$ for nothing.

Which is why I was trying to figure out the actual odds of winning this fight in court.

He is moving away. Generally the parent moving away is responsible. He is not being forced to move for work, he is voluntarily moving. He absolutely should do the bulk of the transportation. You are refusing to drive. You are not refusing his time. Big difference.

[Anonymous]

What state are you in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men are seriously selfish and stupid when it comes to their kids and sex partners.

He only has limited visitation. Its not unreasonable for either parent to move for what ever reason, including a relationship. If he had shared custody it would be different. He is welcome to move but needs to do all the transportation outside what OP already does.