Reply to Noncustodial Parent Relocation

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Reply to "Noncustodial Parent Relocation - Who Handles Transport?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I was the kid in this situation. It sucked. It made it next to impossible for me to participate in anything that required me to consistently be there on the weekends. I missed homecoming my freshman and sophomore year because it was my dad's weekend and he wouldn't switch or let me skip. His stance was that spending time with him was more important than anything else I could be doing at age 14-18, and this mentality contributed pretty significantly to our tense relationship through my 20s.

At some point, your ex is going to need to recognize that your kids are going to have social needs that are different than they were when they were little kids. It is a big thing to require kids to leave their lives behind every weekend.[/quote]

I don't want to hijack this thread, but my ex is that type of parent. Any tips on how to navigate this for my DS? I'm very flexible with my ex when I can be on schedules/weekends/etc. so I can have some leeway for DS's important events and playdates, and if I play all my cards right, I get to convince my ex that it was his idea or in his benefit to switch weekends/time for DS. But, it doesn't always line up and it's so much mental work! Also, I'm sorry you went through that. [/quote]

Parents are more important than playdates.  [/quote]

I'm the original PP whose parents had this situation.

That you say "playdates" tells me that your children are younger, or that you see them as younger. The OP's kids are 14 and 16. They do not have "playdates." OP likely does not do a whole lot to arrange their social lives (e.g., have "playdates") because they are teenagers. Developmentally, it is important for teenagers to spend time with their friends, developing their interests and talents. There are ways to balance social needs and family needs, even in divorced families. My dad made no effort to balance those needs. His take was that he shouldn't have to because he didn't want a divorce, for my mom to move, etc. That is not a good way to approach the situation at all.

I agree that playdates for younger children can be scheduled at the convenience of the scheduling parent fairly easily. I also agree that spending time with the non-custodial parent is important, and FWIW, my relationship with my father now is great. But I'm 40. When I was 15 and had to explain to my boyfriend why I couldn't be his date to the homecoming dance, or when I wasn't allowed to try out for any school plays or sports because my dad refused to commit to allowing me to go any school activities, all I saw was that my dad was ruining my life, preventing me from doing stuff, etc. to punish my mom. He was pretty clear about that. When I would get the courage to ask about a specific thing, his response would invariably be, "That sounds like something you should complain to your mom about, since if she hadn't decided to get divorced and move, you'd be going to high school here and going to homecoming here and this wouldn't be an issue."

To the other PP, I don't know how you can navigate the dynamic. I never resented my mom for divorcing my dad OR moving. She went out of her way to make it as easy on us as possible. W/R/T the OP of this thread, they were court-ordered to split the driving, so usually the way it worked was that she would drive us down and he would drive us back. After a while, she agreed to do ALL the driving because the drives back with him were fairly excruciating for me (my dad is a great study in how NOT to parent post-divorce, despite our excellent relationship now). But the distance between them was only about 45 minutes so it was less intrusive than what OP is describing.[/quote]

Your Dad probably only had limited time with you so you missing a weekend if you only saw him 1-2 weekends a month was a big deal.  Your room could have been more flexible and she could have agreed to a more flexible schedule or switch days so you could attend those things.   If he gets 48 hours, 16 hours are sleeping, then that's very little time with your child. But, this isn't your situation.

Dad has a right to his visitation.  Dad shouldn't be restricted on moving.  BUT, since Dad is moving away and its not forced/work related/another good reason, he needs to provide 100% of the transportation back and forth.[/quote]

Hogwash, I am sorry but PP has said plainly that Dad refused to cooperate in allowing her to have full life because he was mad at Mom. That was not spending quality time with a parent. That was revenge against his ex wife, storing up resentment in his daughter for years. Softball every weekend with no time with Dad is one thing, the once a year dance is being mean.[/quote]

None of this is relevant to OP.  The issue is who should provide transportation given THIS move away.  Dad should.[/quote]

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