Noncustodial Parent Relocation - Who Handles Transport?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this situation. It sucked. It made it next to impossible for me to participate in anything that required me to consistently be there on the weekends. I missed homecoming my freshman and sophomore year because it was my dad's weekend and he wouldn't switch or let me skip. His stance was that spending time with him was more important than anything else I could be doing at age 14-18, and this mentality contributed pretty significantly to our tense relationship through my 20s.

At some point, your ex is going to need to recognize that your kids are going to have social needs that are different than they were when they were little kids. It is a big thing to require kids to leave their lives behind every weekend.

I don't want to hijack this thread, but my ex is that type of parent. Any tips on how to navigate this for my DS? I'm very flexible with my ex when I can be on schedules/weekends/etc. so I can have some leeway for DS's important events and playdates, and if I play all my cards right, I get to convince my ex that it was his idea or in his benefit to switch weekends/time for DS. But, it doesn't always line up and it's so much mental work! Also, I'm sorry you went through that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would get an updated parenting agreement that Ex does majority of the driving since he is the one moving. If you want to be charitable, you can offer to meet him part way once every 4th time.

OP here: ex is currently refusing to do anything other than split driving 50/50.

I will speak with my attorney and see what he says. But I’m scared to spend $$$$ fighting this battle and lose.

[Anonymous]

He should do all the driving as he is moving away. 16 year old should not be driving that far. Who ever moves away should drive. He should wait till the youngest goes to college though given he barely sees them moving is ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would get an updated parenting agreement that Ex does majority of the driving since he is the one moving. If you want to be charitable, you can offer to meet him part way once every 4th time.

OP here: ex is currently refusing to do anything other than split driving 50/50.

I will speak with my attorney and see what he says. But I’m scared to spend $$$$ fighting this battle and lose.

I doubt a judge will make you do the transportation if he is moving away by choice (not by necessity). Tell him you will continue to drive up to 10 minutes away and he needs to work it out. He should do all, not majority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this situation. It sucked. It made it next to impossible for me to participate in anything that required me to consistently be there on the weekends. I missed homecoming my freshman and sophomore year because it was my dad's weekend and he wouldn't switch or let me skip. His stance was that spending time with him was more important than anything else I could be doing at age 14-18, and this mentality contributed pretty significantly to our tense relationship through my 20s.

At some point, your ex is going to need to recognize that your kids are going to have social needs that are different than they were when they were little kids. It is a big thing to require kids to leave their lives behind every weekend.

I don't want to hijack this thread, but my ex is that type of parent. Any tips on how to navigate this for my DS? I'm very flexible with my ex when I can be on schedules/weekends/etc. so I can have some leeway for DS's important events and playdates, and if I play all my cards right, I get to convince my ex that it was his idea or in his benefit to switch weekends/time for DS. But, it doesn't always line up and it's so much mental work! Also, I'm sorry you went through that.

Parents are more important than playdates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would get an updated parenting agreement that Ex does majority of the driving since he is the one moving. If you want to be charitable, you can offer to meet him part way once every 4th time.

OP here: ex is currently refusing to do anything other than split driving 50/50.

I will speak with my attorney and see what he says. But I’m scared to spend $$$$ fighting this battle and lose.

I doubt a judge will make you do the transportation if he is moving away by choice (not by necessity). Tell him you will continue to drive up to 10 minutes away and he needs to work it out. He should do all, not majority.

OP here: ex will say the move is out of necessity to save money on rent, given increasing rent costs and Covid-related paycuts. But really, the motivation for the move is the new SO, who ex is moving in with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would get an updated parenting agreement that Ex does majority of the driving since he is the one moving. If you want to be charitable, you can offer to meet him part way once every 4th time.

OP here: ex is currently refusing to do anything other than split driving 50/50.

I will speak with my attorney and see what he says. But I’m scared to spend $$$$ fighting this battle and lose.

You will not lose this in a trial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this situation. It sucked. It made it next to impossible for me to participate in anything that required me to consistently be there on the weekends. I missed homecoming my freshman and sophomore year because it was my dad's weekend and he wouldn't switch or let me skip. His stance was that spending time with him was more important than anything else I could be doing at age 14-18, and this mentality contributed pretty significantly to our tense relationship through my 20s.

At some point, your ex is going to need to recognize that your kids are going to have social needs that are different than they were when they were little kids. It is a big thing to require kids to leave their lives behind every weekend.

I don't want to hijack this thread, but my ex is that type of parent. Any tips on how to navigate this for my DS? I'm very flexible with my ex when I can be on schedules/weekends/etc. so I can have some leeway for DS's important events and playdates, and if I play all my cards right, I get to convince my ex that it was his idea or in his benefit to switch weekends/time for DS. But, it doesn't always line up and it's so much mental work! Also, I'm sorry you went through that.

Parents are more important than playdates.

Kids grow, you know, and have their own commitments. Games, practices, rehearsals, etc., not to mention friends. Are those all subsidiary?

If it's so all-fired important to see a parent, the parent could insist on a 50/50 schedule. But to take only every other weekend, and then hold kids hostage because you have to see them (but only on your schedule) is incredibly selfish

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would get an updated parenting agreement that Ex does majority of the driving since he is the one moving. If you want to be charitable, you can offer to meet him part way once every 4th time.

OP here: ex is currently refusing to do anything other than split driving 50/50.

I will speak with my attorney and see what he says. But I’m scared to spend $$$$ fighting this battle and lose.

You should consult your lawyer, but your initial position should likely be, "Under our current agreement, you aren't permitted to move more than 50 miles away. I can;t stop you from moving, but I'm not going to transport them to a new house 80 miles away."

And the kids are going to have an increasing say in this. He should be made aware that if he presses this in court, the kids may also indicate a preference that they not be forced to visit him as often, and they're old enough that their wishes matter.

[Anonymous]

I think it's the ex's responsibility but,
You should participate in 50/50 because it's the helpful and considerate thing to do for all involved, mostly your children.

My ex cheated and I would still do this for him/them.

[Anonymous]

In Virginia it's the moving spouse's obligation to transport and pay for transportation to their new home. At 14 and 16 your kids have the right to say no thanks and not see their Dad. Get your attorney to tell his attorney as much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this situation. It sucked. It made it next to impossible for me to participate in anything that required me to consistently be there on the weekends. I missed homecoming my freshman and sophomore year because it was my dad's weekend and he wouldn't switch or let me skip. His stance was that spending time with him was more important than anything else I could be doing at age 14-18, and this mentality contributed pretty significantly to our tense relationship through my 20s.

At some point, your ex is going to need to recognize that your kids are going to have social needs that are different than they were when they were little kids. It is a big thing to require kids to leave their lives behind every weekend.

I don't want to hijack this thread, but my ex is that type of parent. Any tips on how to navigate this for my DS? I'm very flexible with my ex when I can be on schedules/weekends/etc. so I can have some leeway for DS's important events and playdates, and if I play all my cards right, I get to convince my ex that it was his idea or in his benefit to switch weekends/time for DS. But, it doesn't always line up and it's so much mental work! Also, I'm sorry you went through that.

Parents are more important than playdates.

And kids are more important than living out one's dreams of moving to the countryside. Why should the kids be the ones to lose friendships and opportunities for their dad's desires?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In Virginia it's the moving spouse's obligation to transport and pay for transportation to their new home. At 14 and 16 your kids have the right to say no thanks and not see their Dad. Get your attorney to tell his attorney as much.

OP here: I don’t live in Virginia. In my state, the courts will give the child’s preferences more weight the older they are, but the child doesn’t get to make the unilateral decision about what parent to live with until 18.

And there’s no such rule about who has to handle transportation logistics/costs when someone moves in my state either.

[Anonymous]

Tell yourself ex is moving for work and see if you feel differently. Yes the extra driving sucks because you are not used to it. But you have been lucky it’s been so close all this time. Their Dad wants to continue visitation, there are a lot of dead beat dads out there. I would try my best to make this work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell yourself ex is moving for work and see if you feel differently. Yes the extra driving sucks because you are not used to it. But you have been lucky it’s been so close all this time. Their Dad wants to continue visitation, there are a lot of dead beat dads out there. I would try my best to make this work.

New poster here

Of course when you change the facts, it changes how you feel. But the fact is, OP's ex is NOT moving for work. If he was moving for work, it would presumably be some type of promotion that would come with more money or job security, which ultimately benefits the kids. OP's ex's move does NOTHING to benefit the kids. In fact, even aside from the distance issue, it is to their detriment.