Disappointed in your adult kids?...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grown children are a reflection on the parents in most cases and so it's understandable that parents feel a certain kind of way about how they turned out. Kids are a product of the genes parents gave them and the example they set for them and education they provided, etc. Yet, the offspring still make their lives up as they go and so parents aren't 100 responsible for outcomes - but it feels that way.

As I’ve told my borderline mom, I didn’t make it in life because of you but in spite of you. That really messed her up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep my parents are disappointed in me because I'm not married, don't have a traditional family (shared custody situation w/ 1 kid), so my life doesn't look like what they imagined -- DH + 2 kids + family dinner nightly + living in a big house etc.

So because of that nothing I do matters. Not the big career. Not the money I make. Not the vacations I take. And I KNOW them if I only had a DH and it was a WE living this life, they'd brag to everyone about their D/SIL being sooo rich, living in a new house blah blah. It's definitely caused some distance as I see them gushing about their niece and nephew who have these things and can thus do no wrong. Yet me - eh whatever. Except when someone needs to do deal with their bullshit, then of course it's me.

Can I ask if you’re from an immigrant background?

PP here -- yes of course I am. One where divorce is shame for the whole family, you should just stay with the man and be unhappy your whole life. It's a culture where your happiness (on any issue) is much much less important than "what will people say."

PP here with the doctor cousin who married someone not hot enough (and to answer someone's question from way back, I'm Indian). I'm also not married, and of course the whole family shames me for it. But they also shame my cousin who had an arranged marriage to the perfect Indian doctor-- who turned out to be gay (she divorced him quickly and never remarried). And they shame the cousin who married and divorced a loser white guy in her late 30s because she really wanted to have kids and felt like she had to be married to do that, because what would people think if she had kids without being married? Now her ex does cocaine in front of the kids and CPS is involved, but at least she was married instead of having a kid alone! And they shame the cousin who got divorced, but then remarried to a great guy-- who is black.

There is no winning this game. The only way to win is not to play, which is why I don't really care what my kids do for a living, or what college they go to, or who/ if they marry or have kids (within reason-- I mean, I hope they don't become strippers or something).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some parents are just determined to be disappointed. I have an Ivy law degree, but deliberately chose a low-paying career path. My parents were angry at me about that until they died. A cousin of mine is an Ivy-educated doctor who did every single thing his parents ever asked of him career-wise. They were angry and disappointed when he married another Ivy-educated doctor because... she wasn't hot enough. You can never, ever win. (Yes, we're Asian.)

If your kid is more or less mentally and physically healthy, and grows up to be able to hold down a job and be a functioning member of society, that's really not the worst thing in the world. I don't really care if my kids do anything prestigious or make a lot of money. I just want them to be happy, healthy, and well-adjusted.

What? Women can never win.

Korean? I married into a Korean family and this sounds exactly like something my extended family would say. (And no, I’m not hot enough or well educated enough for them, either.)

I’m Korean American Ivy educated and married a doctor. Dh’s brother is also a doctor. He once brought a girl home who was also a doctor and all of us thought she was kind of fat. We all thought BIL could do way better. She didn’t have a pretty face either.

I have 2 sons. I just want them to be happy and healthy. I probably would comment if I thought the girl was not pretty or not smart. I don’t think this is unique to Koreans. I don’t care about profession. If my son was in love, my opinion doesn’t matter.

I'm also Korean-American. My family was somewhat like this, but yours is extreme and I'm very surprised you have already decided to choose ahead of time that you'd make superficial comments about your kids' future spouses, particularly if it doesn't matter.

FYI, my mom was like this too, and I resented her for many years, even as a child, for being so judgemental- doesn't matter if your parents are from another country and the reason is cultural, if you're living in the U.S., it won't fly here and it will only mess up your kids. It angered and confused me when my parents told me they thought such and such friend was chubby, not going to a good school, etc., when I knew that they knew I enjoyed their company, and they were essentially "good" people who were a good friend, and/or a positive influence to me. Now that I have a kid, I realize this more than ever.

Break the cycle.

[Anonymous]

What about disappointment in a kid who dropped out of college, gets fired from retail jobs every three months, stoner, and dated a girl who works at Hooters until she dumped him? We’re not talking about superficial things like looks or income, but a character flaw (loser).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about disappointment in a kid who dropped out of college, gets fired from retail jobs every three months, stoner, and dated a girl who works at Hooters until she dumped him? We’re not talking about superficial things like looks or income, but a character flaw (loser).

Not gonna lie. I would be disappointed. And I’d take it as a reflection of me PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about disappointment in a kid who dropped out of college, gets fired from retail jobs every three months, stoner, and dated a girl who works at Hooters until she dumped him? We’re not talking about superficial things like looks or income, but a character flaw (loser).

I would do what I can to help him move on and up.

I know plenty of successful people with shitty parents/childhood. I don't think those parents should get credit and I don't think good parents of kids who struggle should get blamed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What about disappointment in a kid who dropped out of college, gets fired from retail jobs every three months, stoner, and dated a girl who works at Hooters until she dumped him? We’re not talking about superficial things like looks or income, but a character flaw (loser).

Not gonna lie. I would be disappointed. And I’d take it as a reflection of me PP.

I know someone like this. His parents divorced while young and his father, despite very educated and with a high position, was a “yes” dad ALL THE TIME. Paid for everything for him. His dad is also a very “yes” person to everyone, and ppl take advantage of him, particularly at work.

His son is still living in his basement at 35.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What about disappointment in a kid who dropped out of college, gets fired from retail jobs every three months, stoner, and dated a girl who works at Hooters until she dumped him? We’re not talking about superficial things like looks or income, but a character flaw (loser).

Not gonna lie. I would be disappointed. And I’d take it as a reflection of me PP.

I know someone like this. His parents divorced while young and his father, despite very educated and with a high position, was a “yes” dad ALL THE TIME. Paid for everything for him. His dad is also a very “yes” person to everyone, and ppl take advantage of him, particularly at work.

His son is still living in his basement at 35.

I would never consider my kid a loser no matter what. I would try to meet him where he's at and hope for the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, I would have to get some background info.

Yes a parent's job is to raise a kid but at some point it's put on the adult, however I hear this all the time from parents that just have different views of living life from their parents.

This is my parents. Their problem is that they have extremely narrow views of what constitutes a successful life. I think they expected their kids to follow exactly in their footsteps (marry young, have several children young, work in the same industry for 50 years, own a large house). When their kids made different choices or, in many cases, had different opportunities. they took it as a rejection of their life and as evidence their kids were on the wrong track.

I remember a few years back visiting my parents and my mom was going on and on about how worried she was about my younger brother and how they wished they could help him out more but he didn't want their help. I was honestly confused. My brother and his wife had recently paid cash for a rambling old house that they were slowly fixing up over time. They are both artists and they have messy, delightful studios in the home where they make art together when they aren't working their day jobs. They have a funny, sweet, life-loving little boy who they obviously take great care of. They don't have a ton of money (artists!) but they have everything they need, and I get the sense they are living precisely the life they want. Plus they've obviously made smart financial choices given their choice of lifestyle -- saving money and using a small inheritance to buy a home outright so that they don't have to pay a mortgage. It allows them a lot of freedom, even though their house is old and not "nice" the way my parents think a house should be. It's clean and functional for them.

It makes me so sad my parents can't look at my brother's life and see how successful he is, how joyful and how... himself he is. I am so proud of him. That my parents think somehow he is lacking is a reflection of their limitation, not my brother's life.

I am living a more conventional life and even that my parents treat is insufficient. We live in an apartment instead of a house (partially by choice -- we want to be in the city and can't afford a row home, so we choose to live in a condo instead of a house further out). This is embarrassing to them for some reason. We focus our money on saving for our kid's education and on traveling abroad, because those are our values. My parents instead feel we should drive a nicer car, wear nicer clothes, and own lots more material possession or upgrade more things in our home. When we gently say we'd rather visit Japan with our daughter in a few year's than get a really nice new dishwasher, they seem to think we have weird priorities.

Anyway, this is all on them. They value conformity and they want to be able to brag about certain things to their friends and siblings, and their children's happiness is secondary at best. It is a shame, but not in the way they think.

Your description of your brother's life is really beautiful and affirming. I would encourage you to send it to him if you have not already told him what you have said here. For folks growing up with parents like yours, it can make such a difference to know that people they care about see them and applaud their choices.

[Anonymous]

I am so happy that my Dad is very proud of my brother and I. We lost my Mom early on but she was happy to see me as an adult and passed when my daughter was 2.5. My father is pleased with me because I am happy, I survived a lot, own a few houses, have a decent career and he now is proud of my husband for forgoing a high-paying career and instead working as an accountant for a hotel company at night and caring for our daughters during the day. But, mainly, I am proud that he was happy and proud of my younger brother who suffered schizophrenia. He tried so hard, traveled the world, led a great life but it ended tragically. Even with the suicide, he says he is proud that he had a great life during his last 6 years.

For my child, I always tell her I want her to be happy, have no regrets, and will support her in whatever endeavors she pursues. I will also support her and help her if she should fall and help her get back on her feet. She is a high achieving 8th grader and headed to a magnet program with goals of going to an exclusive college, but I told her I would be happy with any decision she makes and I mean it. Life is too short for regrets, unhappiness, and foul feelings of disappointment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think someone who is disappointed with their children has lots of other issues.

How old are your dc?