Disappointed in your adult kids?...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For what it’s worth this does go both ways—I’m professionally successful and high income. My parents are hippies who don’t think I have my priorities straight.

LOL Thanks for the perspective. You just can't win...

I think if you live a very different life than how your parents lived, they feel rejected. In my case the “rejection” is a refusal to spend vacations camping and weekends weaving alpaca wool, but the dynamic is the same.

While this is true, some people are just determined to be disappointed no matter what because it's really about their own insecurity and feelings of disappointment in their own lives. My parents are disappointed my DH and I don't have more money or a nicer house, but they also think we are snobs because we read nonfiction and talk about current events at dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some parents are just determined to be disappointed. I have an Ivy law degree, but deliberately chose a low-paying career path. My parents were angry at me about that until they died. A cousin of mine is an Ivy-educated doctor who did every single thing his parents ever asked of him career-wise. They were angry and disappointed when he married another Ivy-educated doctor because... she wasn't hot enough. You can never, ever win. (Yes, we're Asian.)

If your kid is more or less mentally and physically healthy, and grows up to be able to hold down a job and be a functioning member of society, that's really not the worst thing in the world. I don't really care if my kids do anything prestigious or make a lot of money. I just want them to be happy, healthy, and well-adjusted.

What? Women can never win.

Korean? I married into a Korean family and this sounds exactly like something my extended family would say. (And no, I’m not hot enough or well educated enough for them, either.)

I’m Korean American Ivy educated and married a doctor. Dh’s brother is also a doctor. He once brought a girl home who was also a doctor and all of us thought she was kind of fat. We all thought BIL could do way better. She didn’t have a pretty face either.

I have 2 sons. I just want them to be happy and healthy. I probably would comment if I thought the girl was not pretty or not smart. I don’t think this is unique to Koreans. I don’t care about profession. If my son was in love, my opinion doesn’t matter.

Oh wow a real life K drama MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll speak for DH. His two sons dropped out of college, had issues with law enforcement, and really struggled as young adults. DH is very Type-A and success to him is making a million dollars on Wall Street. One son is a hard blue-collar worker and has a small business and the other is floundering with a drinking problem. So yes, he is disappointed but knows he cannot do much.

Why isn’t he proud of the hard working blue collar son with a business? Does he see his kids as extensions of himself instead of actual people?

Bingo

It's the downward social mobility that gets to DH. Both he and his ex-wife had Master's degrees and worked professional roles. But the small business son is doing back-breaking work in some podunk part of middle America and keeps on marrying single moms and the other works nights and complains all the time about how much he has to work. Both of them admit that they should have stayed in college.

That’s what divorce does. “But kids are resistant!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sound like the parents always set high goals, but did not spend time with their kids or show them how to obtain those goals. At this point there is not much he can do. Nothing wrong owning a small business. The drinking problem kid needs to be sent to rehab before it's too late.

The bolded bullcrap. You can do everything right as a parent and your children can still turn out to be clowns and unsuccessful or addicts or whatever. People like you come off so simple minded.

Op, sentiments like your friend are FAR MORE common than people want to truly acknowledge. Regretful parenthood is REAL and should be discussed more. It's a taboo topic for obvious reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is the utmost of evil to regret having them. That's on her.

She's making it all about her. She thinks they are a poor reflection on her. She thinks they owe her. She's got it all wrong. She's very screwed up.

Huh??? Regret is a normal human emotion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is the utmost of evil to regret having them. That's on her.

She's making it all about her. She thinks they are a poor reflection on her. She thinks they owe her. She's got it all wrong. She's very screwed up.

x10000

What is more offensive to a dysfunctional parent? The above, or a bunch of mini mes? There is self hatred, and there is also delusion and inflated sense of self. Granted, some people know they aren't too bright, so they try another route. For those who are bright, it really doesn't matter if you are hot or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some parents are just determined to be disappointed. I have an Ivy law degree, but deliberately chose a low-paying career path. My parents were angry at me about that until they died. A cousin of mine is an Ivy-educated doctor who did every single thing his parents ever asked of him career-wise. They were angry and disappointed when he married another Ivy-educated doctor because... she wasn't hot enough. You can never, ever win. (Yes, we're Asian.)

If your kid is more or less mentally and physically healthy, and grows up to be able to hold down a job and be a functioning member of society, that's really not the worst thing in the world. I don't really care if my kids do anything prestigious or make a lot of money. I just want them to be happy, healthy, and well-adjusted.

+1.

+2

[Anonymous]

Adult kids usually are also disappointed with their parents and need therapy for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adult kids usually are also disappointed with their parents and need therapy for it.

This. Have you heard all the complaining about those who didn’t have parents pay for college or down payments?

I’m not sure if I was disappointed but I was often embarrassed by my parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll speak for DH. His two sons dropped out of college, had issues with law enforcement, and really struggled as young adults. DH is very Type-A and success to him is making a million dollars on Wall Street. One son is a hard blue-collar worker and has a small business and the other is floundering with a drinking problem. So yes, he is disappointed but knows he cannot do much.

Why isn’t he proud of the hard working blue collar son with a business? Does he see his kids as extensions of himself instead of actual people?

Bingo

It's the downward social mobility that gets to DH. Both he and his ex-wife had Master's degrees and worked professional roles. But the small business son is doing back-breaking work in some podunk part of middle America and keeps on marrying single moms and the other works nights and complains all the time about how much he has to work. Both of them admit that they should have stayed in college.

That’s what divorce does. “But kids are resistant!”

They divorced when the kids were 17. It’s not like they grew up in a single parent household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep my parents are disappointed in me because I'm not married, don't have a traditional family (shared custody situation w/ 1 kid), so my life doesn't look like what they imagined -- DH + 2 kids + family dinner nightly + living in a big house etc.

So because of that nothing I do matters. Not the big career. Not the money I make. Not the vacations I take. And I KNOW them if I only had a DH and it was a WE living this life, they'd brag to everyone about their D/SIL being sooo rich, living in a new house blah blah. It's definitely caused some distance as I see them gushing about their niece and nephew who have these things and can thus do no wrong. Yet me - eh whatever. Except when someone needs to do deal with their bullshit, then of course it's me.

Can I ask if you’re from an immigrant background?

PP here -- yes of course I am. One where divorce is shame for the whole family, you should just stay with the man and be unhappy your whole life. It's a culture where your happiness (on any issue) is much much less important than "what will people say."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being disappointed is one thing, but regretting you had them is quite another, and that speaks to how screwed up the parent is, barring a child who is a murderer or incapacitated or something.

Hell even Chris Watt’s parents are still standing by his side after the horrific crimes he has committed.

Shows how looney people can be.
I would be more than disappointed if my child did what he did.

I would not support my child at this point.
I would hate them for the rest of my own life for murdering my precious grandchildren.

And I definitely would regret having him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep my parents are disappointed in me because I'm not married, don't have a traditional family (shared custody situation w/ 1 kid), so my life doesn't look like what they imagined -- DH + 2 kids + family dinner nightly + living in a big house etc.

So because of that nothing I do matters. Not the big career. Not the money I make. Not the vacations I take. And I KNOW them if I only had a DH and it was a WE living this life, they'd brag to everyone about their D/SIL being sooo rich, living in a new house blah blah. It's definitely caused some distance as I see them gushing about their niece and nephew who have these things and can thus do no wrong. Yet me - eh whatever. Except when someone needs to do deal with their bullshit, then of course it's me.

Can I ask if you’re from an immigrant background?

PP here -- yes of course I am. One where divorce is shame for the whole family, you should just stay with the man and be unhappy your whole life. It's a culture where your happiness (on any issue) is much much less important than "what will people say."

Nph
That is my mom's mantra and I have a real struggle to not act/feel the same as an instilled value.

[Anonymous]

Grown children are a reflection on the parents in most cases and so it's understandable that parents feel a certain kind of way about how they turned out. Kids are a product of the genes parents gave them and the example they set for them and education they provided, etc. Yet, the offspring still make their lives up as they go and so parents aren't 100 responsible for outcomes - but it feels that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grown children are a reflection on the parents in most cases and so it's understandable that parents feel a certain kind of way about how they turned out. Kids are a product of the genes parents gave them and the example they set for them and education they provided, etc. Yet, the offspring still make their lives up as they go and so parents aren't 100 responsible for outcomes - but it feels that way.

Nope. Just hope.