Disappointed in your adult kids?...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll speak for DH. His two sons dropped out of college, had issues with law enforcement, and really struggled as young adults. DH is very Type-A and success to him is making a million dollars on Wall Street. One son is a hard blue-collar worker and has a small business and the other is floundering with a drinking problem. So yes, he is disappointed but knows he cannot do much.

Why isn’t he proud of the hard working blue collar son with a business? Does he see his kids as extensions of himself instead of actual people?

Bingo

It's the downward social mobility that gets to DH. Both he and his ex-wife had Master's degrees and worked professional roles. But the small business son is doing back-breaking work in some podunk part of middle America and keeps on marrying single moms and the other works nights and complains all the time about how much he has to work. Both of them admit that they should have stayed in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some parents are just determined to be disappointed. I have an Ivy law degree, but deliberately chose a low-paying career path. My parents were angry at me about that until they died. A cousin of mine is an Ivy-educated doctor who did every single thing his parents ever asked of him career-wise. They were angry and disappointed when he married another Ivy-educated doctor because... she wasn't hot enough. You can never, ever win. (Yes, we're Asian.)

If your kid is more or less mentally and physically healthy, and grows up to be able to hold down a job and be a functioning member of society, that's really not the worst thing in the world. I don't really care if my kids do anything prestigious or make a lot of money. I just want them to be happy, healthy, and well-adjusted.

What? Women can never win.

Korean? I married into a Korean family and this sounds exactly like something my extended family would say. (And no, I’m not hot enough or well educated enough for them, either.)

I’m Korean American Ivy educated and married a doctor. Dh’s brother is also a doctor. He once brought a girl home who was also a doctor and all of us thought she was kind of fat. We all thought BIL could do way better. She didn’t have a pretty face either.

I have 2 sons. I just want them to be happy and healthy. I probably would comment if I thought the girl was not pretty or not smart. I don’t think this is unique to Koreans. I don’t care about profession. If my son was in love, my opinion doesn’t matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some parents are just determined to be disappointed. I have an Ivy law degree, but deliberately chose a low-paying career path. My parents were angry at me about that until they died. A cousin of mine is an Ivy-educated doctor who did every single thing his parents ever asked of him career-wise. They were angry and disappointed when he married another Ivy-educated doctor because... she wasn't hot enough. You can never, ever win. (Yes, we're Asian.)

If your kid is more or less mentally and physically healthy, and grows up to be able to hold down a job and be a functioning member of society, that's really not the worst thing in the world. I don't really care if my kids do anything prestigious or make a lot of money. I just want them to be happy, healthy, and well-adjusted.

What? Women can never win.

Korean? I married into a Korean family and this sounds exactly like something my extended family would say. (And no, I’m not hot enough or well educated enough for them, either.)

I’m Korean American Ivy educated and married a doctor. Dh’s brother is also a doctor. He once brought a girl home who was also a doctor and all of us thought she was kind of fat. We all thought BIL could do way better. She didn’t have a pretty face either.

I have 2 sons. I just want them to be happy and healthy. I probably would comment if I thought the girl was not pretty or not smart. I don’t think this is unique to Koreans. I don’t care about profession. If my son was in love, my opinion doesn’t matter.

It might not be unique to Koreans. It is definitely unique to assholes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some parents are just determined to be disappointed. I have an Ivy law degree, but deliberately chose a low-paying career path. My parents were angry at me about that until they died. A cousin of mine is an Ivy-educated doctor who did every single thing his parents ever asked of him career-wise. They were angry and disappointed when he married another Ivy-educated doctor because... she wasn't hot enough. You can never, ever win. (Yes, we're Asian.)

If your kid is more or less mentally and physically healthy, and grows up to be able to hold down a job and be a functioning member of society, that's really not the worst thing in the world. I don't really care if my kids do anything prestigious or make a lot of money. I just want them to be happy, healthy, and well-adjusted.

What? Women can never win.

Korean? I married into a Korean family and this sounds exactly like something my extended family would say. (And no, I’m not hot enough or well educated enough for them, either.)

I’m Korean American Ivy educated and married a doctor. Dh’s brother is also a doctor. He once brought a girl home who was also a doctor and all of us thought she was kind of fat. We all thought BIL could do way better. She didn’t have a pretty face either.

I have 2 sons. I just want them to be happy and healthy. I probably would comment if I thought the girl was not pretty or not smart. I don’t think this is unique to Koreans. I don’t care about profession. If my son was in love, my opinion doesn’t matter.

Nope, that BS won't fly, sorry. If you only want your kids to be happy and healthy, why would it matter if their girlfriend weren't pretty or smart enough for you? And if your opinion doesn't matter anyway, why would you share it?

The reality is that you want your kids to be happy and healthy as long as they are with a girl who you think is pretty and smart, and you DO think your opinion matters.

[Anonymous]

For what it’s worth this does go both ways—I’m professionally successful and high income. My parents are hippies who don’t think I have my priorities straight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For what it’s worth this does go both ways—I’m professionally successful and high income. My parents are hippies who don’t think I have my priorities straight.

LOL Thanks for the perspective. You just can't win...

[Anonymous]

Yep my parents are disappointed in me because I'm not married, don't have a traditional family (shared custody situation w/ 1 kid), so my life doesn't look like what they imagined -- DH + 2 kids + family dinner nightly + living in a big house etc.

So because of that nothing I do matters. Not the big career. Not the money I make. Not the vacations I take. And I KNOW them if I only had a DH and it was a WE living this life, they'd brag to everyone about their D/SIL being sooo rich, living in a new house blah blah. It's definitely caused some distance as I see them gushing about their niece and nephew who have these things and can thus do no wrong. Yet me - eh whatever. Except when someone needs to do deal with their bullshit, then of course it's me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep my parents are disappointed in me because I'm not married, don't have a traditional family (shared custody situation w/ 1 kid), so my life doesn't look like what they imagined -- DH + 2 kids + family dinner nightly + living in a big house etc.

So because of that nothing I do matters. Not the big career. Not the money I make. Not the vacations I take. And I KNOW them if I only had a DH and it was a WE living this life, they'd brag to everyone about their D/SIL being sooo rich, living in a new house blah blah. It's definitely caused some distance as I see them gushing about their niece and nephew who have these things and can thus do no wrong. Yet me - eh whatever. Except when someone needs to do deal with their bullshit, then of course it's me.

Can I ask if you’re from an immigrant background?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some parents are just determined to be disappointed. I have an Ivy law degree, but deliberately chose a low-paying career path. My parents were angry at me about that until they died. A cousin of mine is an Ivy-educated doctor who did every single thing his parents ever asked of him career-wise. They were angry and disappointed when he married another Ivy-educated doctor because... she wasn't hot enough. You can never, ever win. (Yes, we're Asian.)

If your kid is more or less mentally and physically healthy, and grows up to be able to hold down a job and be a functioning member of society, that's really not the worst thing in the world. I don't really care if my kids do anything prestigious or make a lot of money. I just want them to be happy, healthy, and well-adjusted.

What? Women can never win.

Korean? I married into a Korean family and this sounds exactly like something my extended family would say. (And no, I’m not hot enough or well educated enough for them, either.)

I’m Korean American Ivy educated and married a doctor. Dh’s brother is also a doctor. He once brought a girl home who was also a doctor and all of us thought she was kind of fat. We all thought BIL could do way better. She didn’t have a pretty face either.

I have 2 sons. I just want them to be happy and healthy. I probably would comment if I thought the girl was not pretty or not smart. I don’t think this is unique to Koreans. I don’t care about profession. If my son was in love, my opinion doesn’t matter.

Then why offer such a nasty opinion on something so ridiculous.

I come from a big family on both sides, and no one has ever made comments about a potential wife's/girlfriend's looks. It's absurd. Your attitude might not be be uniquely Korean, but it is uniquely horrible.

[Anonymous]

It takes a special kind of person to regret having children who do not live up to expectations.

I don't think any of us(five children) lived up to my parents' original expectations(they've made lots of adjustments along the way. lol). But our parents are happy for us and hopeful for our future. They love their many grandchildren and are grateful that all 5 of their children are mostly happy and healthy.

[Anonymous]

Everyone has an opinion. Whether a guy doesn’t make enough money or come from the right family or a woman is not very smart. Everyone is allowed to feel disappointment. No one is perfect. That doesn’t mean the child is not loved. What a strange thread.

I am Ivy educated and professionally successful. I married well and have a beautiful family. My parents love my DH and proud of us.

My BIL has mental illness and has been on off unemployed and stresses out my parents. They love him and worry about him all the time.

I will accept the spouse my children choose but I am entitled to my opinion. At the end, we just want what is best for our children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone has an opinion. Whether a guy doesn’t make enough money or come from the right family or a woman is not very smart. Everyone is allowed to feel disappointment. No one is perfect. That doesn’t mean the child is not loved. What a strange thread.

I am Ivy educated and professionally successful. I married well and have a beautiful family. My parents love my DH and proud of us.

My BIL has mental illness and has been on off unemployed and stresses out my parents. They love him and worry about him all the time.

I will accept the spouse my children choose but I am entitled to my opinion. At the end, we just want what is best for our children.

Why are your parents worrying about your BIL? Is your sister in danger?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep my parents are disappointed in me because I'm not married, don't have a traditional family (shared custody situation w/ 1 kid), so my life doesn't look like what they imagined -- DH + 2 kids + family dinner nightly + living in a big house etc.

So because of that nothing I do matters. Not the big career. Not the money I make. Not the vacations I take. And I KNOW them if I only had a DH and it was a WE living this life, they'd brag to everyone about their D/SIL being sooo rich, living in a new house blah blah. It's definitely caused some distance as I see them gushing about their niece and nephew who have these things and can thus do no wrong. Yet me - eh whatever. Except when someone needs to do deal with their bullshit, then of course it's me.

Sorry, pp. I give you permission to move away from them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone has an opinion. Whether a guy doesn’t make enough money or come from the right family or a woman is not very smart. Everyone is allowed to feel disappointment. No one is perfect. That doesn’t mean the child is not loved. What a strange thread.

I am Ivy educated and professionally successful. I married well and have a beautiful family. My parents love my DH and proud of us.

My BIL has mental illness and has been on off unemployed and stresses out my parents. They love him and worry about him all the time.

I will accept the spouse my children choose but I am entitled to my opinion. At the end, we just want what is best for our children.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but parents often express disapproval but not love. It is very alienating to feel like you are not accepted or welcomed in your own family. Parents who treat their adult children like failures because they did not live up to their specific expectations are making a choice to alienate their children. And they often do it because they have pinned their own hopes for happiness or satisfaction on the expectation that their adult children accomplish specific things. It's a corrosive attitude.

People in this thread are not talking about "having an opinion." They are talking about people who refuse to accept their adult children for who they are or see the good in the lives they have built for themselves, even when they have built lovely lives. And a common thread is disappointment in their children's earnings or material goods. These are shallow concerns. Being disappointed because your child chose a blue collar career and a simple life versus white collar success is a failure of parenting. Meet your kids where they are at.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For what it’s worth this does go both ways—I’m professionally successful and high income. My parents are hippies who don’t think I have my priorities straight.

LOL Thanks for the perspective. You just can't win...

I think if you live a very different life than how your parents lived, they feel rejected. In my case the “rejection” is a refusal to spend vacations camping and weekends weaving alpaca wool, but the dynamic is the same.