Disappointed in your adult kids?...

[Anonymous]

A friend recently disclosed to me that she is disappointed in her kids and regrets having them.... does anyone else feel this way? if so, why?

[Anonymous]

I mean, I would have to get some background info.

Yes a parent's job is to raise a kid but at some point it's put on the adult, however I hear this all the time from parents that just have different views of living life from their parents.

[Anonymous]

I have heard people say stuff like this. It's sad in many ways because there is blame, guilt and apathy within the family. I don't tend to spend much time with those parents though, they are usually very outwardly depressed.

[Anonymous]

I'll speak for DH. His two sons dropped out of college, had issues with law enforcement, and really struggled as young adults. DH is very Type-A and success to him is making a million dollars on Wall Street. One son is a hard blue-collar worker and has a small business and the other is floundering with a drinking problem. So yes, he is disappointed but knows he cannot do much.

[Anonymous]

It sound like the parents always set high goals, but did not spend time with their kids or show them how to obtain those goals. At this point there is not much he can do. Nothing wrong owning a small business. The drinking problem kid needs to be sent to rehab before it's too late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, I would have to get some background info.

Yes a parent's job is to raise a kid but at some point it's put on the adult, however I hear this all the time from parents that just have different views of living life from their parents.

This is my parents. Their problem is that they have extremely narrow views of what constitutes a successful life. I think they expected their kids to follow exactly in their footsteps (marry young, have several children young, work in the same industry for 50 years, own a large house). When their kids made different choices or, in many cases, had different opportunities. they took it as a rejection of their life and as evidence their kids were on the wrong track.

I remember a few years back visiting my parents and my mom was going on and on about how worried she was about my younger brother and how they wished they could help him out more but he didn't want their help. I was honestly confused. My brother and his wife had recently paid cash for a rambling old house that they were slowly fixing up over time. They are both artists and they have messy, delightful studios in the home where they make art together when they aren't working their day jobs. They have a funny, sweet, life-loving little boy who they obviously take great care of. They don't have a ton of money (artists!) but they have everything they need, and I get the sense they are living precisely the life they want. Plus they've obviously made smart financial choices given their choice of lifestyle -- saving money and using a small inheritance to buy a home outright so that they don't have to pay a mortgage. It allows them a lot of freedom, even though their house is old and not "nice" the way my parents think a house should be. It's clean and functional for them.

It makes me so sad my parents can't look at my brother's life and see how successful he is, how joyful and how... himself he is. I am so proud of him. That my parents think somehow he is lacking is a reflection of their limitation, not my brother's life.

I am living a more conventional life and even that my parents treat is insufficient. We live in an apartment instead of a house (partially by choice -- we want to be in the city and can't afford a row home, so we choose to live in a condo instead of a house further out). This is embarrassing to them for some reason. We focus our money on saving for our kid's education and on traveling abroad, because those are our values. My parents instead feel we should drive a nicer car, wear nicer clothes, and own lots more material possession or upgrade more things in our home. When we gently say we'd rather visit Japan with our daughter in a few year's than get a really nice new dishwasher, they seem to think we have weird priorities.

Anyway, this is all on them. They value conformity and they want to be able to brag about certain things to their friends and siblings, and their children's happiness is secondary at best. It is a shame, but not in the way they think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend recently disclosed to me that she is disappointed in her kids and regrets having them.... does anyone else feel this way? if so, why?

I know someone whose child has serious mental health issues and cannot function independently, but is violent and extremely difficult to deal with. There are virtually no services and assistance. She has expressed regret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sound like the parents always set high goals, but did not spend time with their kids or show them how to obtain those goals. At this point there is not much he can do. Nothing wrong owning a small business. The drinking problem kid needs to be sent to rehab before it's too late.

NP - not sure how you inferred that.

Yes, most parents have high goals for their kids, even without trying there is a future that you've imagined for them in your head. PP's husband had both boys accepted into and attending college. After that it's on the adult kid to do his/her part. Many young adults drop out of college, you can look at graduation rates to see that kids drop out, or take 6 years to finish a four year degree. College itself does not equal success.

At some point you have to let go. It's difficult, especially now that I think we might over parent too much when they are teenagers.

My cousin recently told me that parenting doesn't end when your kid turns 18 or moves out. That you parent your kid forever. I disagree. At some point it's time to stop parenting unless they come back to you for advice/shelter. My husband is in his mid 40s, and very successful. He immediately shuts down the conversation once his mom starts parenting. She should have let go 25 years ago, but she's still trying to control the outcome of his life.

The disappointment a person feels toward their adult children is *usually* about them, not their kids.

[Anonymous]

Even with an alcoholic adult child, you have to let go. The most you can do as a parent is help them get into rehab or AA, if they indeed WANT to change.

Adults make adult choices and need to live with the consequences. That is not on the parent.

[Anonymous]

I think someone who is disappointed with their children has lots of other issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll speak for DH. His two sons dropped out of college, had issues with law enforcement, and really struggled as young adults. DH is very Type-A and success to him is making a million dollars on Wall Street. One son is a hard blue-collar worker and has a small business and the other is floundering with a drinking problem. So yes, he is disappointed but knows he cannot do much.

Perhaps if he had spent less time on Wall Street and more time raising his children, they would have turned out better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll speak for DH. His two sons dropped out of college, had issues with law enforcement, and really struggled as young adults. DH is very Type-A and success to him is making a million dollars on Wall Street. One son is a hard blue-collar worker and has a small business and the other is floundering with a drinking problem. So yes, he is disappointed but knows he cannot do much.

Perhaps if he had spent less time on Wall Street and more time raising his children, they would have turned out better.

Go away. Do you get a rush from being rude?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll speak for DH. His two sons dropped out of college, had issues with law enforcement, and really struggled as young adults. DH is very Type-A and success to him is making a million dollars on Wall Street. One son is a hard blue-collar worker and has a small business and the other is floundering with a drinking problem. So yes, he is disappointed but knows he cannot do much.

Perhaps if he had spent less time on Wall Street and more time raising his children, they would have turned out better.

That's what I thought when I read that post...

[Anonymous]

Being disappointed is one thing, but regretting you had them is quite another, and that speaks to how screwed up the parent is, barring a child who is a murderer or incapacitated or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, I would have to get some background info.

Yes a parent's job is to raise a kid but at some point it's put on the adult, however I hear this all the time from parents that just have different views of living life from their parents.

This is my parents. Their problem is that they have extremely narrow views of what constitutes a successful life. I think they expected their kids to follow exactly in their footsteps (marry young, have several children young, work in the same industry for 50 years, own a large house). When their kids made different choices or, in many cases, had different opportunities. they took it as a rejection of their life and as evidence their kids were on the wrong track.

I remember a few years back visiting my parents and my mom was going on and on about how worried she was about my younger brother and how they wished they could help him out more but he didn't want their help. I was honestly confused. My brother and his wife had recently paid cash for a rambling old house that they were slowly fixing up over time. They are both artists and they have messy, delightful studios in the home where they make art together when they aren't working their day jobs. They have a funny, sweet, life-loving little boy who they obviously take great care of. They don't have a ton of money (artists!) but they have everything they need, and I get the sense they are living precisely the life they want. Plus they've obviously made smart financial choices given their choice of lifestyle -- saving money and using a small inheritance to buy a home outright so that they don't have to pay a mortgage. It allows them a lot of freedom, even though their house is old and not "nice" the way my parents think a house should be. It's clean and functional for them.

It makes me so sad my parents can't look at my brother's life and see how successful he is, how joyful and how... himself he is. I am so proud of him. That my parents think somehow he is lacking is a reflection of their limitation, not my brother's life.

I am living a more conventional life and even that my parents treat is insufficient. We live in an apartment instead of a house (partially by choice -- we want to be in the city and can't afford a row home, so we choose to live in a condo instead of a house further out). This is embarrassing to them for some reason. We focus our money on saving for our kid's education and on traveling abroad, because those are our values. My parents instead feel we should drive a nicer car, wear nicer clothes, and own lots more material possession or upgrade more things in our home. When we gently say we'd rather visit Japan with our daughter in a few year's than get a really nice new dishwasher, they seem to think we have weird priorities.

Anyway, this is all on them. They value conformity and they want to be able to brag about certain things to their friends and siblings, and their children's happiness is secondary at best. It is a shame, but not in the way they think.

This was my mom in a nutshell as well. Very disappointed, but I have a fairly successful life--just not the one she wanted me to have. And no prison, no addictions, not even a single tattoo--and I am a white color professional with a nice dh and a home- yet she was disappointed til she died.