Disappointed in your adult kids?...

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who feels this way about one of her three sons. She was a SAHM in an intact happy marriage (for what that’s worth).


And I’m very disappointed in my one niece and nephew. Not to the point where I wish they hadn’t been born but they had such promise and we’re such great kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who feels this way about one of her three sons. She was a SAHM in an intact happy marriage (for what that’s worth).


And I’m very disappointed in my one niece and nephew. Not to the point where I wish they hadn’t been born but they had such promise and we’re such great kids.

What happened with your friend’s kid and your niece and nephew?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll speak for DH. His two sons dropped out of college, had issues with law enforcement, and really struggled as young adults. DH is very Type-A and success to him is making a million dollars on Wall Street. One son is a hard blue-collar worker and has a small business and the other is floundering with a drinking problem. So yes, he is disappointed but knows he cannot do much.

Why isn’t he proud of the hard working blue collar son with a business? Does he see his kids as extensions of himself instead of actual people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll speak for DH. His two sons dropped out of college, had issues with law enforcement, and really struggled as young adults. DH is very Type-A and success to him is making a million dollars on Wall Street. One son is a hard blue-collar worker and has a small business and the other is floundering with a drinking problem. So yes, he is disappointed but knows he cannot do much.

Why isn’t he proud of the hard working blue collar son with a business? Does he see his kids as extensions of himself instead of actual people?

Bingo

[Anonymous]

Some parents are just determined to be disappointed. I have an Ivy law degree, but deliberately chose a low-paying career path. My parents were angry at me about that until they died. A cousin of mine is an Ivy-educated doctor who did every single thing his parents ever asked of him career-wise. They were angry and disappointed when he married another Ivy-educated doctor because... she wasn't hot enough. You can never, ever win. (Yes, we're Asian.)

If your kid is more or less mentally and physically healthy, and grows up to be able to hold down a job and be a functioning member of society, that's really not the worst thing in the world. I don't really care if my kids do anything prestigious or make a lot of money. I just want them to be happy, healthy, and well-adjusted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some parents are just determined to be disappointed. I have an Ivy law degree, but deliberately chose a low-paying career path. My parents were angry at me about that until they died. A cousin of mine is an Ivy-educated doctor who did every single thing his parents ever asked of him career-wise. They were angry and disappointed when he married another Ivy-educated doctor because... she wasn't hot enough. You can never, ever win. (Yes, we're Asian.)

If your kid is more or less mentally and physically healthy, and grows up to be able to hold down a job and be a functioning member of society, that's really not the worst thing in the world. I don't really care if my kids do anything prestigious or make a lot of money. I just want them to be happy, healthy, and well-adjusted.

She wasn’t hot enough? Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some parents are just determined to be disappointed. I have an Ivy law degree, but deliberately chose a low-paying career path. My parents were angry at me about that until they died. A cousin of mine is an Ivy-educated doctor who did every single thing his parents ever asked of him career-wise. They were angry and disappointed when he married another Ivy-educated doctor because... she wasn't hot enough. You can never, ever win. (Yes, we're Asian.)

If your kid is more or less mentally and physically healthy, and grows up to be able to hold down a job and be a functioning member of society, that's really not the worst thing in the world. I don't really care if my kids do anything prestigious or make a lot of money. I just want them to be happy, healthy, and well-adjusted.

+1.

[Anonymous]

My parents will never be satisfied. They are now unhappy because my husband is not as friendly with them as they think he should be. Seriously, they never ever stop finding things to be sad about. We’re well educated and well off. We have a child with special needs and my mom thinks we make them up and never stops criticizing how we parent, and my MIL thinks he should be sent to an institution and never stops criticizing him. It’s fun. We are both oldest children and our younger siblings are giant f ups and get free passes.

[Anonymous]

It is the utmost of evil to regret having them. That's on her.

She's making it all about her. She thinks they are a poor reflection on her. She thinks they owe her. She's got it all wrong. She's very screwed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being disappointed is one thing, but regretting you had them is quite another, and that speaks to how screwed up the parent is, barring a child who is a murderer or incapacitated or something.

Exactly. My parents are disappointed that I did not get a terminal degree and pursue a wonderful career, have a large, beautiful home and just one hot-housed, high-achieving kid, but of course they love me, despite my stay-at-home life, tiny, creaky house and two children, one of whom has special needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some parents are just determined to be disappointed. I have an Ivy law degree, but deliberately chose a low-paying career path. My parents were angry at me about that until they died. A cousin of mine is an Ivy-educated doctor who did every single thing his parents ever asked of him career-wise. They were angry and disappointed when he married another Ivy-educated doctor because... she wasn't hot enough. You can never, ever win. (Yes, we're Asian.)

If your kid is more or less mentally and physically healthy, and grows up to be able to hold down a job and be a functioning member of society, that's really not the worst thing in the world. I don't really care if my kids do anything prestigious or make a lot of money. I just want them to be happy, healthy, and well-adjusted.

What? Women can never win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some parents are just determined to be disappointed. I have an Ivy law degree, but deliberately chose a low-paying career path. My parents were angry at me about that until they died. A cousin of mine is an Ivy-educated doctor who did every single thing his parents ever asked of him career-wise. They were angry and disappointed when he married another Ivy-educated doctor because... she wasn't hot enough. You can never, ever win. (Yes, we're Asian.)

If your kid is more or less mentally and physically healthy, and grows up to be able to hold down a job and be a functioning member of society, that's really not the worst thing in the world. I don't really care if my kids do anything prestigious or make a lot of money. I just want them to be happy, healthy, and well-adjusted.

What? Women can never win.

Korean? I married into a Korean family and this sounds exactly like something my extended family would say. (And no, I’m not hot enough or well educated enough for them, either.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is the utmost of evil to regret having them. That's on her.

She's making it all about her. She thinks they are a poor reflection on her. She thinks they owe her. She's got it all wrong. She's very screwed up.

It’s not evil to regret having a child. A lot do us regret having children for a variety of reasons; not selfish or evil. My son is the greatest joy of my life and a good, good child but many days I regret having him. His father is a sociopathic narcissist whose rage makes our home unsafe. There is no future for my child that doesn’t involve enormous pain for him and there is no future for me that doesn’t involve this man because he is my child’s father. (Unless he dies soon which will be freeing for me but painful for my child.) I regret bringing such a precious, good, trusting, joyful creature into this family that is hurting him. I regret that I will forever be responsible for bringing a person into the world and being the cause of his pain. He brings me SO much joy wnd pleasure and goodness. But my terrible mistake in marrying his father resulted in his creation and also a lot of pain.

If my son turned out to be anything like his father: hateful, racist, misogynistic, angry - which is my worst fear - I would also regret having him. Whether he has tattoos or a high income or becomes a doctor is not important to me. What I hope for most is that he retains the empathy, sensitivity, kindness, courage, and desire to do good in the world that he has today.

I have known other good parents who have regretted bringing their children into the world. One of the parents of a wonderful teen I know - a refugee from a wan torn country - said bluntly one day in front of him that she regrets having him. Not that she doesn’t love him and know that his presence in the world makes it better, but that she is forever sorry that she brought him into the world only to suffer so much, and her be powerless to help. I get that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is the utmost of evil to regret having them. That's on her.

She's making it all about her. She thinks they are a poor reflection on her. She thinks they owe her. She's got it all wrong. She's very screwed up.

It’s not evil to regret having a child. A lot do us regret having children for a variety of reasons; not selfish or evil. My son is the greatest joy of my life and a good, good child but many days I regret having him. His father is a sociopathic narcissist whose rage makes our home unsafe. There is no future for my child that doesn’t involve enormous pain for him and there is no future for me that doesn’t involve this man because he is my child’s father. (Unless he dies soon which will be freeing for me but painful for my child.) I regret bringing such a precious, good, trusting, joyful creature into this family that is hurting him. I regret that I will forever be responsible for bringing a person into the world and being the cause of his pain. He brings me SO much joy wnd pleasure and goodness. But my terrible mistake in marrying his father resulted in his creation and also a lot of pain.

If my son turned out to be anything like his father: hateful, racist, misogynistic, angry - which is my worst fear - I would also regret having him. Whether he has tattoos or a high income or becomes a doctor is not important to me. What I hope for most is that he retains the empathy, sensitivity, kindness, courage, and desire to do good in the world that he has today.

I have known other good parents who have regretted bringing their children into the world. One of the parents of a wonderful teen I know - a refugee from a wan torn country - said bluntly one day in front of him that she regrets having him. Not that she doesn’t love him and know that his presence in the world makes it better, but that she is forever sorry that she brought him into the world only to suffer so much, and her be powerless to help. I get that.

Wow. Are you divorcing so you can make a safer home for your son?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents will never be satisfied. They are now unhappy because my husband is not as friendly with them as they think he should be. Seriously, they never ever stop finding things to be sad about. We’re well educated and well off. We have a child with special needs and my mom thinks we make them up and never stops criticizing how we parent, and my MIL thinks he should be sent to an institution and never stops criticizing him. It’s fun. We are both oldest children and our younger siblings are giant f ups and get free passes.

Sadly, predictable.