Does you relationship change if you stay home ( for moms)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s annoying to me to keep seeing these posts from
Women. Why don’t you go back to work and see how it is? You had 6 months off and suddenly you’re ready to throw away your career and put in your resignation. No wonder employers don’t like women. I felt the same with my first, yes it sucks and yes it felt wrong to leave. But I didn’t jump to it’s time to stay home mentality but rather can I do this and see how it is and then decide? I cobbled some childcare for the next few months and guess what? I liked working and my baby wasn’t a baby anymore and I continued my career.

To your original question, of course things will change for the worse, you are not solely financially dependent on your spouse, I GUARANTEE you you’ll have fights about chores, and you’ll feel guilty about asking for help or things to do. I’m fine if you want to pick this course of action, but damn, go back to your job a bit don’t just end it because you spent a few months home with a newborn.

Or vice versa.
Take another six months off and see if you are more comfortable with leaving a toddler, rather than a newborn, and going back to work.
There is no reason this has to be an all or nothing decision.

OP here. I haven’t made any decision about staying at home. I extended my maternity leave until 6 months, but I might go back at least PT.

[Anonymous]

If you like asking your husband for an allowance you will enjoy it. It totally changes the relationship dynamic over time. Also I plan to retire so having my own retirement is extremely nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lol at PP “throw away your career”. I can smell your insecurity and shallowness through my screen. Chill out. Nobody cares what you do, OP. That’s the truth to all these people hand wringing about it. Anything anyone feels is based 100% on their own issues. Do what you want in your heart.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While you’re on maternity leave, what do you talk about when he gets home from work? That will tell you if you’re likely to be less interesting.

What do you envision SAHP to look like? Are you going to take classes and visit museums (post Covid) and have a structure or are you going to sleep in and “figure it out” day by day. Do you have SAHM friends?

Of my friends who have made SAHP work and not lost their identities, some have kept a toe in the workplace, some have taken on a side project that needs time and attention (remodeled a bathroom, finished a basement) one wrote a book but she’s a massive overachiever, one did an immersive language study with her son. None of them were “just” a mom.

OP here. We talk about his day, my day, the baby, world events, etc. I do have two friends who just had babies too. They will be staying home for 6+ months too. I plan to do many activities like workout classes and infant classes when it’s safe.

I don’t even sleep in now. My son ( almost 3 months old) is already on a schedule. We get up at 7am everyday and still do daily walks and weekly hang out with friends.

You have your 3 month old on a schedule? He is way too young for that. I hope you don’t do CIO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you like asking your husband for an allowance you will enjoy it. It totally changes the relationship dynamic over time. Also I plan to retire so having my own retirement is extremely nice.

I SAHMed for two years and never once asked my DH for "an allowance." We have a joint checking account and a shared credit card. I even put money into my individual savings during that time (we keep separate savings accounts) because if we had excess money beyond our expenses and joint savings, we'd just divide it between or accounts.

I mean, if the question was "Will staying home change my relationship with my husband? By the way, we don't communicate at all, don't share finances, and are competitive and resentful towards one another." then I would get some of these responses. But it sounds like OP and her DH have a strong relationship with a good foundation. She should do what she wants, and that might be going back to work, but when you say that staying home means she'll have to ask for an allowance or that it will totally upend her relationship, that actually says a lot more about you than her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you like asking your husband for an allowance you will enjoy it. It totally changes the relationship dynamic over time. Also I plan to retire so having my own retirement is extremely nice.

Most couples see it as “ their money”, not the husbands money.

[Anonymous]

My work dried up in the fall of 2020, partly due to covid. It was convenient to be home while kids were distance learning. One child is now back FT and the other unfortunately is still stuck at home. My being unemployed technically enables me to help my family at this strange time, but I’ll be honest— I’m bored, going crazy and becoming a bit of a neurotic housewife. I don’t call myself a SAHM because that was never my intention. This happened to me be of circumstance and was not a choice. Having a clean and organized home is nice, eating at home more is nice, going to gym (now that I’m vaccinated) has been nice, but gah! I am so bored. I used to ear $140k, about the same as my spouse. Now applying for jobs in the hope something will work out. I might accept less money in exchange for more flexibility or just less money in exchange for not being a bored housewife!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you like asking your husband for an allowance you will enjoy it. It totally changes the relationship dynamic over time. Also I plan to retire so having my own retirement is extremely nice.

I SAHMed for two years and never once asked my DH for "an allowance." We have a joint checking account and a shared credit card. I even put money into my individual savings during that time (we keep separate savings accounts) because if we had excess money beyond our expenses and joint savings, we'd just divide it between or accounts.

I mean, if the question was "Will staying home change my relationship with my husband? By the way, we don't communicate at all, don't share finances, and are competitive and resentful towards one another." then I would get some of these responses. But it sounds like OP and her DH have a strong relationship with a good foundation. She should do what she wants, and that might be going back to work, but when you say that staying home means she'll have to ask for an allowance or that it will totally upend her relationship, that actually says a lot more about you than her.

OP here. We have a very similar situation. We both have a savings account that we had coming into the relationship. We kept those and have a joint checking account. We put the same money into both. One is now a savings account and the other is an emergency fund. The rest do our money is divided into a joint account, retirement, stocks, etc.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I are both in healthcare. We have three children and I’ve been a SAHM for 10 yrs. I don’t feel our relationship has changed at all. We have three incredible kids, a great social life, nice house that is well maintained and I’m available. Available for whatever comes our way; which can be unpredictable. He also appreciated the great strides he has been able to make at his career by having me be available at home.

At this point I don’t know if I will ever go back to work.

[Anonymous]

Op, would your view of your DH change if the roles were reversed?

[Anonymous]

I quit full-time work after my first, and WFH part-time. Then I quit entirely after the second baby. I love staying at home with my young children. My DH was very supportive of the decision and has left it up to me if I want to return to work or not after they start school. I just spoke to my former boss who asked if I would consider returning to the same position, so I’m not sure where the threats of the-jobs-will-be-gone! comes from. Our home is very relaxed and happy, because there is a clear division of labor. I go to parks and the library and museums with my kids and they nap in their own beds. It is really positive and I hope you have the same experience, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While you’re on maternity leave, what do you talk about when he gets home from work? That will tell you if you’re likely to be less interesting.

What do you envision SAHP to look like? Are you going to take classes and visit museums (post Covid) and have a structure or are you going to sleep in and “figure it out” day by day. Do you have SAHM friends?

Of my friends who have made SAHP work and not lost their identities, some have kept a toe in the workplace, some have taken on a side project that needs time and attention (remodeled a bathroom, finished a basement) one wrote a book but she’s a massive overachiever, one did an immersive language study with her son. None of them were “just” a mom.

OP here. We talk about his day, my day, the baby, world events, etc. I do have two friends who just had babies too. They will be staying home for 6+ months too. I plan to do many activities like workout classes and infant classes when it’s safe.

I don’t even sleep in now. My son ( almost 3 months old) is already on a schedule. We get up at 7am everyday and still do daily walks and weekly hang out with friends.

You have your 3 month old on a schedule? He is way too young for that. I hope you don’t do CIO.

+1. This is sad.

[Anonymous]

It didn't change too much. We were happier overall. I love being home though. I've been a SAHM for 10 years, but I was older when I quit working (40). I probably won't go back to work. I don't need or really want to. DH is retiring in a couple years and we plan on traveling more with our kid who will be a teenager then.

If you plan on going back to work in the future, I'd keep a toe in the water.

[Anonymous]

If you’re secure in your decision, you will stress less about how others, including your husband, perceive you. Healthcare is admirable, valuable work, and so is taking care of a child. Some people will say otherwise and there is nothing you can do about it. Just be confident in your decision and take pride in what you do, and your husband will probably follow.

But keep in mind that you might want to go back to work quickly anyway, so this could be a whole lot of worry for nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always yell women to work to PT. You won’t have a large gap in your career, you will have an income, and you get out of the house. Stay home for another 3 months and then go back 2-3 days. You will miss going to work and talking to adults. As much as I enjoyed my baby, I was bored out of my mind most of the day.

This is so true!
Ps - you ladies who married supportive, helpful husbands - I am envious (but glad you have a good example to set for the kids!)