Work 65+hour weeks + young baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - here's my schedule to avoid comments that I ignore my child:

M-Thurs - work 6-7,8-6,8-10 -- 13 hours.

Fri - I finish work at 5 to spend more time with baby. Login again for a couple of hours

Weekends - work 7-10 am and 7-10 pm both days. In between I spend time with baby.

That adds up to 65 hours but still spend a good chunk of time with baby, yes, not like a parent with a PT job, but still like most other parents work 45 hours per week.

I worked 45 hours a week but my schedule was more like 9-4, 8-10 on weekdays and weekends off for family time. I WAH the first year of my babies’ life with a nanny and nursed them on my breaks. With their nap schedule they were awake with the nanny for ~3 hrs when not feeding, and the rest of the time with me or their dad. I could see them when they first crawled, first ate solids, first clapped... their first word was mama and often the first face when they woke up from a nap was mine for feeding.

I am not someone who thinks you need to be with your baby 24/7 to bond with them but it seems to me that if they don’t see you most of the day and you miss their milestones, it’s hard on both of you. I was lucky to have the flexibility, and even then I do feel like with my first my mind was a little more occupied with juggling than would have been ideal. I did not have the option of pausing and I knew if I could push through there would be a lot of benefits. By the time my second came I was senior enough to really flex my schedule and that has allowed me to be even more available. These early years fly by. When your child is 6 and off to school, you’ll wonder where the time went. It just goes by very fast so whatever you do make sure you’ll have no regrets.

Yes I am afraid of that too.

It’s your life and your happiness. Don’t be afraid to be selfish... you have a child, why not enjoy him? Cutting back your hours isn’t about giving up your career, just reallocating your priorities for the next five years to find more balance. If your husband wants fancier vacations he can work more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How exactly does one “coordinate milestones and educational opportunities” for a baby? And what does it mean to “research food”?

Just stop with the make-work pretension and spend more time with your kid.

I’m not OP. But I assume she means find a baby music or swim class, make an area in the house where the baby can crawl and roll freely with mirrors and other stimulating toys, figure out a solids schedule to introduce the baby to food and track any reactions. Reading about and researching that stuff is also work. Some people go to school to learn about how to design environments for babies at different stages. It’s great that OP is taking responsibility for all that right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s your HHI and what would it be at 45 hours per week. If you are really working 65 hours per week that’s not going to work long term. You need a long term plan. Is your plan really work work work and then die? Life is meant to be lived a little. Your kid can go to your state school and still be a doctor or lawyer, k?

OP: we’re at 400 right now. We are both in our late 30s and until recently we were at 250. my husband also would want us to move to a bigger place (I don’t) and he likes taking nicer vacations than I do. He would not want to downshift.

I’m not really sure what you are looking for, OP. You really don’t need $400k to live a nice life, promise. I used to work in a big law firm and our HHI was almost $500k. We both work for the government now and make $300k. We have a lovely life—a nice house, some nice trips, we’re saving to re-do our kitchen, etc. I took a $200k pay cut to be able to exercise everyday, bake or read at night, and spend time with my kids on weekends and the many, many days school age kids have off. And it was worth it. Unfortunately, kids actually require more time as they get older. Their activities and emotional needs become more complex. They crave one on one time and notice when you are busy at work unlike a baby. Basically what I’m trying to say is there is no trick to earning $400k yet spending as much time with your kids or on you as someone making less.

[Anonymous]

What do you do OP? You sound like me. It’s a sad life. Every so often I just duck out of work for a bit (which I can do since I’m almost always on call, so no one questions when I step away for a short bit when nothing urgent is going on) and take the kids to the park early or go run errands so I don’t need to on the weekend. I basically don’t sleep. dH and I don’t spend that much time together, which sucks, or we won’t until we get in bed which just means less sleep.

As your kid gets older abs you get more senior I’d start pushing back more on logging off earlier. I spent 3-4 hours each day w my toddlers and normally means I’m up way later than I’d like but to me the trade off is worthwhile right now

[Anonymous]

I would put a time frame on working like this. At most I would do this until the little guy is two.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who used to have a young woman who lived right nearby pass by once a day for an hour or so and throw in a load of laundry, do up the dishes and wipe the counters/table/etc and then put the laundry in the dryer. The next day she would fold while putting another load in, etc. In addition to a weekly cleaning lady it really took the bulk of the household labor off the 2 hard=working, travelling parents. I would look into something like that. Maybe even a SAHM who wants a couple of extra dollars and could bring her baby to play while she tidies up and makes your life easier. Then DH can reduce his load, you don't feel so guilty, and you can focus on your priorities. When baby gets older you'll get a few more minutes for yourself and one day you'll be begging baby to spend 5 minutes with you!

[Anonymous]

You’re doing great mama, keep up the good work!

[Anonymous]

OP I think you probably are at a breaking point or you wouldn't be posting, but I don't think you necessarily need to drastically scale back. I recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Know-How-She-Does-Successful/dp/0143109723

And Laura Vanderkam in general - she has a podcast called Best of Both Worlds that is good. I'd start with the earlier episodes, which deal more with basic work/life kind of topics.

What I am hearing is that you don't feel like you have the time you want for yourself and your family and that is the rub. A geographic move to get yourself out of the big city rat race could help majorly.

Sending you support - these things are hard and you will sort them out.

[Anonymous]

I have a baby and I'm now wondering what food research I need to be doing. I just buy baby food at the store. Did I miss something?

[Anonymous]

My spouse makes $150k, and I stay home with our 2 kids. We live in a high cost of living area, too, and are doing well financially. We don’t waste money on stupid things, we paid off school debt as quickly as possible, etc, but we still travel & so forth. We save for college & retirement, and our kids get a lot of time with their parents.

Your priorities are misplaced. A strong bond and TIME with loving parents is more important than having college paid for, but you don’t even have to choose. You could cut back on hours snd still make more than enough money while spending more time together as a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a baby and I'm now wondering what food research I need to be doing. I just buy baby food at the store. Did I miss something?

This is totally fine, but you don’t even have to do that— just mash up what the rest of the family is eating. Look up baby led weaning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a baby and I'm now wondering what food research I need to be doing. I just buy baby food at the store. Did I miss something?

This is totally fine, but you don’t even have to do that— just mash up what the rest of the family is eating. Look up baby led weaning.

Mash up pizza and wings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Which do you think your baby would prefer?

A. Fully funded college
B. Less stressed mom who was around more and happier? Year after year of having no time to yourself as well as DH having to pick up more and more of the slack will wear on you


I mean , it's great you want to have college fully funded. But your priorities seems seriously messed up to me.

OMG! They have ONE kid. They can fund college and downshift their careers. SMH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a baby and I'm now wondering what food research I need to be doing. I just buy baby food at the store. Did I miss something?

This is totally fine, but you don’t even have to do that— just mash up what the rest of the family is eating. Look up baby led weaning.

Mash up pizza and wings?

I've heard you have to chew them up carefully and then spit them into the baby's mouth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel so bad for your husband and baby. You sound like an absolutely miserable person to be married to. No wonder your Dh just says everything is fine. If your responses to posters here are any indication of how you handle someone not agreeing with you, he probably just doesn't find it worth it to tell you he's unhappy.

+1 to above. Also it’s all about the money. OP’s priorities are messed up. I say this as someone who cut back on her hours and took a 20% pay cut when DC was born and never looked back.

They make freakin 400k. It’s not like they are making 75k and don’t have choices. Hours are insane and not sustainable. I see potential divorce coming and feel bad for the child.