Where do private schools really get you in life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's about fit and your child's needs, not about outcomes. If you're interested in Sidwell because of college admissions, you're not choosing a school for the right reasons.

Why is this such a bad thing? Don't we all want our kids to go to the best colleges?

We all know the name on your degree matters to getting into the most elite professions.

It is what it is, why can't we just acknowledge that?

If I read pp correctly, they mean that if you’re choosing elite schools for elite college admissions, you should also consider buying a bridge in Brooklyn.

[Anonymous]

I don’t send my kids to private school to get into the best college. I want them to enjoy learning, know how to write and analyze, gain exposure and experience with a broad curriculum of subjects, and go to school in a culture where kids and families prioritize education and learning.

My husband and I grew up in two different worlds. He went to private school and I went to public school. He was an average student in high school, I did very well. We both went to a big 10 university. Despite the fact that we went to the same college, we did not have the same experience or career outcomes. His knowledge of the world and how to navigate it far exceeded mine and pretty much any person we know that went to public school. He is now the successful CEO of his own company. I went on to get another degree and still don’t have his level of connections and knowledge. I attribute much of his success to the lifelong educational experiences and culture he grew up in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your child was looking for a school where he/she would be happy and have a great high school experiences. Sounds like you were looking for "elite school" bragging rights. Get over that. It's certainly up to you whether you want to spend the money at any private school, but the best outcomes in terms of college and such generally occur when the student is at or near the top of the class regardless of whether that's public, Sidwell, or a "lesser private".

OP here. Our concerns were more that this particular child needed thr rigor and structure of an elite same sex school to push them to work harder and smarter. After languishing in online DL in a public for a year and a half, my bright kid has developed bad habits from being confined inside to a computer all day and night. We were looking for the structure, rigor and the competitive kick in the pants. The not so competitive school is going to be more fun and a better overall high school experience and we love that but worried that it will not have the rigor and structure kid needs emerging from the pandemic. Our other kid has already been in a sane sex private and it has done wonders for her. Miles better than our public experience and now other kid won’t get sane experience. So wondering, does it matter?

We don’t necessarily want kid to go to an Ivy. But all of this did get me thinking about what any of this means and if it really gets you anywhere in life. Some parents on this board act like getting into these schools is literal life or death. I know why we wanted the school but I want to know why they feel that way. I admit judging. Just curios. What is the thought process? What am I missing?

Parents send their kids to private schools for different reasons. Most don’t think it’s life or death or because it gets you into a better college. Some do. For us, we wanted our kids to have smaller classes, a focus on writing, more discussions and less “teaching to the tests.”

+1

The HS we chose also is very service oriented. Gets the kids to think outside of themselves. The size of the grades was also a biggie. The class is a 1/4 of the size that it would be at our large public. They aren’t just a number and a tech teacher isn’t teaching honors English.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I sat in class, bored out of my mind in all the AP classes in my high performing suburban high school. I didn’t experience academic challenge in the classroom until college. So if you can find a private school that saves kids from that, it saves them from wasting years of their lives not learning anything interesting.

Well aren't you special.

This is a valid point. If you are never challenged, you never learn the skills needed to work above your current level. This is why the transition to a rigorous school with traditional grading is often a huge wake up call to smart kids accustomed to coasting. Many kids work hard in traditional public high schools and do very well in life. But there is a category of kids who don't have to work hard there to get by, and they often need a different environment, where teachers don't let them coast, to learn how to apply themselves and stretch the limits of their abilities. These are your classic underachievers who need more to thrive.

I’m the pp and I wasn’t special. I struggled mightily in college, compared to my peers who had attended boarding schools and top private schools. They knew how to study, how to take notes, how to write well, how to do formal math proofs, how to write lab reports. I was completely lost and it took me a couple of years to find my footing. Unlike one of the other posters who sought help, I was completely resistant (embarrassed for some reason? I didn’t even know how office hours worked) to talk to my professors. It was really hard. Not to mention I have random gaps in the knowledge I should have learned in history, etc. High school was a breeze because the standard was low, not because I was special.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t send my kids to private school to get into the best college. I want them to enjoy learning, know how to write and analyze, gain exposure and experience with a broad curriculum of subjects, and go to school in a culture where kids and families prioritize education and learning.

My husband and I grew up in two different worlds. He went to private school and I went to public school. He was an average student in high school, I did very well. We both went to a big 10 university. Despite the fact that we went to the same college, we did not have the same experience or career outcomes. His knowledge of the world and how to navigate it far exceeded mine and pretty much any person we know that went to public school. He is now the successful CEO of his own company. I went on to get another degree and still don’t have his level of connections and knowledge. I attribute much of his success to the lifelong educational experiences and culture he grew up in.

Let me guess, does your DH has rich parents who can pass on wealth and connections to your DH?
It’s nothing to do with private schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is a privilege to go to the very best private schools O.P. Less than five percent of students go to private schools. The top privates provide a posh + prestigious experience. Students feel valued + are confident. It would be nice if every kid were valued, but they are not.

People always strive for the best. Why does that confuse you. Who would not want to drive a luxury car over an everyday one?

Sure, some publics provide good educations. But they are not elite since anyone can go there.

Because a luxury car costs a ton more than a regular car and it doesn’t get you there any faster in the end. All it does is empty your pockets for somethi8ng that loses value the longer you own it.

Was that really the analogy you were striving for? Because it comes off as you just want to show off. But hey, it’s your money on a 50K tuition, or car.

That’s a very limited perspective. As a young professional, I drove regular cars. Then I drove luxury cars. It’s a much better experience driving a luxury car, and I’m in my car enough time every day that I appreciate the difference. It drives better, the sound system is built for audiophiles, and it’s just aesthetically more pleasing inside and out. It may not get me where I want to go faster, but it gives me a very different experience.

I do not drive this car to show off, but because I enjoy it. It doesn’t empty my pockets, because my pockets are a bit deeper than the value of my car.

Your analogy is a total fail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t send my kids to private school to get into the best college. I want them to enjoy learning, know how to write and analyze, gain exposure and experience with a broad curriculum of subjects, and go to school in a culture where kids and families prioritize education and learning.

My husband and I grew up in two different worlds. He went to private school and I went to public school. He was an average student in high school, I did very well. We both went to a big 10 university. Despite the fact that we went to the same college, we did not have the same experience or career outcomes. His knowledge of the world and how to navigate it far exceeded mine and pretty much any person we know that went to public school. He is now the successful CEO of his own company. I went on to get another degree and still don’t have his level of connections and knowledge. I attribute much of his success to the lifelong educational experiences and culture he grew up in.

Let me guess, does your DH has rich parents who can pass on wealth and connections to your DH?
It’s nothing to do with private schools.

Where do you think the connections are made?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your child was looking for a school where he/she would be happy and have a great high school experiences. Sounds like you were looking for "elite school" bragging rights. Get over that. It's certainly up to you whether you want to spend the money at any private school, but the best outcomes in terms of college and such generally occur when the student is at or near the top of the class regardless of whether that's public, Sidwell, or a "lesser private".

OP here. Our concerns were more that this particular child needed thr rigor and structure of an elite same sex school to push them to work harder and smarter. After languishing in online DL in a public for a year and a half, my bright kid has developed bad habits from being confined inside to a computer all day and night. We were looking for the structure, rigor and the competitive kick in the pants. The not so competitive school is going to be more fun and a better overall high school experience and we love that but worried that it will not have the rigor and structure kid needs emerging from the pandemic. Our other kid has already been in a sane sex private and it has done wonders for her. Miles better than our public experience and now other kid won’t get sane experience. So wondering, does it matter?

We don’t necessarily want kid to go to an Ivy. But all of this did get me thinking about what any of this means and if it really gets you anywhere in life. Some parents on this board act like getting into these schools is literal life or death. I know why we wanted the school but I want to know why they feel that way. I admit judging. Just curios. What is the thought process? What am I missing?

The quality of education and the culture of a school matters. That’s where your child is going to be experiencing peer pressure. Who are their peers?

Yes, it matters if their values are being set by peers who care about academic excellence and being good people. Yes, an environment where character education is consistently reinforced matters. It’s not so much about attending Ivies as ensuring that the influences that prevalent during your child’s most formative years are positive ones. High school is where kids begin to establish a sense of their adult selves. It sets them up for success in college and in life .. or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, to me it's pretty simple. If you can afford it without stretching, go for it. There are worse things to spend your money on.

But you really have to have a lot of money not to stretch for it. The top privates in this area costs more than 50k in after tax dollars, so you're having to gross, what, 75k per year per kid for that? When I was a partner in Biglaw I knew many partners who were spending $150k-$200k a year in after tax dollars for literally decades to educate their families from K through college. Quite literally millions of dollars in pre-tax earnings. That's a stretch even for wealthy people. Yes, in the end this resulted in more frequent admissions to top private colleges (not always Ivy, though), but adulthood really is the great equalizer. We went the public school and state college route, and as a result I was able to retire 15 years early. On top of that, the younger children of the partners I used to work with now reach out to my highly successful kids to network in the same fields.

To each her own, of course, but you'll never convince me that private school is the smart choice for anyone but the super wealthy, especially if you live in a strong public school district.

I tend to agree with this. My family could never have afforded private, and I went to all public schools, and pp would say adulthood resulted in my “equalizing.” I send my kids private without financial hardship because of all the reasons stated before about smaller classes, more individualized attention, better facilities, more writing focus, better programs that are close to where we live, etc. kids will have to work hard and earn their place in adulthood as they compete with tons of other kids from different backgrounds—including kids a lot like me. If I didn’t have the means, I’d find a good public and not give it a second thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I sat in class, bored out of my mind in all the AP classes in my high performing suburban high school. I didn’t experience academic challenge in the classroom until college. So if you can find a private school that saves kids from that, it saves them from wasting years of their lives not learning anything interesting.

Well aren't you special.

This is a valid point. If you are never challenged, you never learn the skills needed to work above your current level. This is why the transition to a rigorous school with traditional grading is often a huge wake up call to smart kids accustomed to coasting. Many kids work hard in traditional public high schools and do very well in life. But there is a category of kids who don't have to work hard there to get by, and they often need a different environment, where teachers don't let them coast, to learn how to apply themselves and stretch the limits of their abilities. These are your classic underachievers who need more to thrive.

I’m the pp and I wasn’t special. I struggled mightily in college, compared to my peers who had attended boarding schools and top private schools. They knew how to study, how to take notes, how to write well, how to do formal math proofs, how to write lab reports. I was completely lost and it took me a couple of years to find my footing. Unlike one of the other posters who sought help, I was completely resistant (embarrassed for some reason? I didn’t even know how office hours worked) to talk to my professors. It was really hard. Not to mention I have random gaps in the knowledge I should have learned in history, etc. High school was a breeze because the standard was low, not because I was special.

PP here who went to elite school from public without any AP or college prep. This is it exactly. It went from being the big fish without even trying to a drowning bird with out any idea how to swim. It was awful.

I do think office hour would have helped (and I know some students who went to office hours often), but I was so embarrassed at how behind I was I wanted to “prep” for office hours before I went, but I never was able to catch up b/c I was trying to make up for 4years of academic deficits in 1-2 semesters.

Also, I realize now the office hours were all cute girls. Maybe it’s because they are pretty they are used to getting help from others (this is well documented) or a different reception/encouragement from the (mostly male) professors.

[Anonymous]

*realize now the office hour regulars...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have struggled with this. My kid was waitlisted this year at several privates. Got into their first choice, but out (the parents) second. We had our hearts set on one if the more elite schools were they were waitlisted.

My question is the elite privates are supposed to give you a to the Ivies and best colleges. But does where your kid goes to school really matter?? And why? Seems to me that if you have a bright innovative kid that they will succeed in life regardless of where they go to college?

Why the stress? Why the expense? Looking for real world examples.

Maybe 10-20 years ago but no longer.

Is it worth the expense? Depends entirely on your finances. I think it's worth it ONLY if 50k a year is not a stretch for you. If you have to give up things to make it happen (especially important things like saving for retirement and college), NO it is not worth it at all unless there are special needs or some other special circumstances in play.

It's a luxury for the RICH. Why do people not get this?

I just don't understand why middle class- UMC people don't get this.

High quality education is unfortunately become a luxury.

[Anonymous]

Private school grad here who has not changed the world. The answer is, like others have said, not really any further than public school.
But, speaking as a parent of kids at a decrepit MCPS school, private is an overall better experience. I hated all the horrible people with whom I went to HS, but the facilities, teachers and hand holding was nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I sat in class, bored out of my mind in all the AP classes in my high performing suburban high school. I didn’t experience academic challenge in the classroom until college. So if you can find a private school that saves kids from that, it saves them from wasting years of their lives not learning anything interesting.

Well aren't you special.

This is a valid point. If you are never challenged, you never learn the skills needed to work above your current level. This is why the transition to a rigorous school with traditional grading is often a huge wake up call to smart kids accustomed to coasting. Many kids work hard in traditional public high schools and do very well in life. But there is a category of kids who don't have to work hard there to get by, and they often need a different environment, where teachers don't let them coast, to learn how to apply themselves and stretch the limits of their abilities. These are your classic underachievers who need more to thrive.

I’m the pp and I wasn’t special. I struggled mightily in college, compared to my peers who had attended boarding schools and top private schools. They knew how to study, how to take notes, how to write well, how to do formal math proofs, how to write lab reports. I was completely lost and it took me a couple of years to find my footing. Unlike one of the other posters who sought help, I was completely resistant (embarrassed for some reason? I didn’t even know how office hours worked) to talk to my professors. It was really hard. Not to mention I have random gaps in the knowledge I should have learned in history, etc. High school was a breeze because the standard was low, not because I was special.

PP here who went to elite school from public without any AP or college prep. This is it exactly. It went from being the big fish without even trying to a drowning bird with out any idea how to swim. It was awful.

I do think office hour would have helped (and I know some students who went to office hours often), but I was so embarrassed at how behind I was I wanted to “prep” for office hours before I went, but I never was able to catch up b/c I was trying to make up for 4years of academic deficits in 1-2 semesters.

Also, I realize now the office hours were all cute girls. Maybe it’s because they are pretty they are used to getting help from others (this is well documented) or a different reception/encouragement from the (mostly male) professors.

+1

I don’t think pretty girls realize how much their attractiveness helps predispose old(er) men to look kindly on them. I noticed that PP mentioned two male teachers who went out of their way to help her. She was probably presenting herself as a damsel in distress.

Pretty girls expect the world to help them because the world has always helped them. They get what they want and are more willing to ask for it based on their history of getting what they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have struggled with this. My kid was waitlisted this year at several privates. Got into their first choice, but out (the parents) second. We had our hearts set on one if the more elite schools were they were waitlisted.

My question is the elite privates are supposed to give you a to the Ivies and best colleges. But does where your kid goes to school really matter?? And why? Seems to me that if you have a bright innovative kid that they will succeed in life regardless of where they go to college?

Why the stress? Why the expense? Looking for real world examples.

You win; you’ve made the right choice. Private schools are a total waste of money. Most of the children in them are below average and they will have emotional scars that your children will have escaped. All of us who choose to spend significant portions of our income on private schools are fools who are just wasting money. Because obviously anyone who spends their money that way are just status conscious assholes who don’t care about our children.

Does that make you feel better? Happy to help!