Husband making comments about my dad's will

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow so many greedy and entitled children here.

Seriously. Our parents raised us. Let them enjoy their retirement and even better if they find love late in life. If she cares for him as he ages, then he *should* make sure she is looked after in his will. I firmly believe that kids expecting inheritances is the root of a lot of broken family relationships and missed opportunities for many happy memories.

OP, tell your DH to drop it and that what your dad does with his money is none of your DH’s business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:True story with a friend of mine.

Mom died.

Dad remarried than died of a heart attack within the year; his will had not been updated.

New wife got EVERYTHING, including all the jewelry that belonged to my friend’s mother.

It’s worth a what-if conversation with your dad.

My father updated his will right after my mother died. We also set up bank accounts for both my brother and I to allow the money to transfer should anything happen to him. (We don't live in the same country, so this had to be done.).

[Anonymous]

Your husband is right.

You can be happy for your dad and support him but don't be naive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:True story with a friend of mine.

Mom died.

Dad remarried than died of a heart attack within the year; his will had not been updated.

New wife got EVERYTHING, including all the jewelry that belonged to my friend’s mother.

It’s worth a what-if conversation with your dad.

My father updated his will right after my mother died. We also set up bank accounts for both my brother and I to allow the money to transfer should anything happen to him. (We don't live in the same country, so this had to be done.).

I should also add that all of this was initiated by my father. Not me or my brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You seem overly sensitive about this. Calm down.

Your husband has a practical and cynical outlook, but he's not necessarily wrong and is not blinded by filial devotion.

Keep loving and supporting your father, but respect that your husband is looking out for you financially.

Thanks for sharing your perspective and adding the part about calming down, which is always helpful.

I read a lot of the comments here with interest. I don't think there is a way for me to bring up my dad's will with him without seeming insensitive. Even if my intentions are good, asking someone about their will is very tricky - they should be bringing it up, not you. This is why I am offended by my husband's comments, even if his intentions were pure.

Do you have any good suggestions for how to approach this conversation?

I think you can say you’re happy he’s found someone, you look forward to them having a great long life together, but given that they’re marrying it’s important to have a serious and probably a little uncomfortable conversation about finances and estate planning. You can say, we’ve all heard horror stories about these situations and you want to be sure that he’s considering his responsibilities as a provider to his real family.

Or just watch Tommy Boy together and pause it when Big Tom dies. Like “say, Dad, I just thought of something...”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow so many greedy and entitled children here.

Meh. Throughout human history, across substantially all cultures (and in to the present for many of us), the concept of inheritance/generational wealth transfer has been a fundamental part of family, society and economy. It’s not a small thing. It is a bedrock aspect of organized society.

I know we all wish life were a whimsical rom-com now, but that ain’t reality. A 70 year old widower shouldn’t be rushing into marriage with a substantially younger woman and robbing from his line in order to fund her and her kids. They can be together, he can splurge on their life together, etc., but if he actually amends his will at the expense of his family he’s an ass and someone should tell him that. Often it’s going to be someone like a son in law who has the requisite distance to do so. (OP already said she’d be uncomfortable with that conversation.)

What is wrong with you? Wow.. just wow...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow so many greedy and entitled children here.

Meh. Throughout human history, across substantially all cultures (and in to the present for many of us), the concept of inheritance/generational wealth transfer has been a fundamental part of family, society and economy. It’s not a small thing. It is a bedrock aspect of organized society.

I know we all wish life were a whimsical rom-com now, but that ain’t reality. A 70 year old widower shouldn’t be rushing into marriage with a substantially younger woman and robbing from his line in order to fund her and her kids. They can be together, he can splurge on their life together, etc., but if he actually amends his will at the expense of his family he’s an ass and someone should tell him that. Often it’s going to be someone like a son in law who has the requisite distance to do so. (OP already said she’d be uncomfortable with that conversation.)

What is wrong with you? Wow.. just wow...

Arm chair sociological discussion coupled with some good old fashioned judgment. Gotta love it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is right.

You can be happy for your dad and support him but don't be naive.

Naïve about what though? It is his money, his decision. If he wants to change his will, I respect that. I just don't see myself as having a "right" here, or the right to tell him what to do with money he earned. My dad is smart enough to already have a will set up. He updated everything after my mother died. What more do you recommend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is right.

You can be happy for your dad and support him but don't be naive.

Naïve about what though? It is his money, his decision. If he wants to change his will, I respect that. I just don't see myself as having a "right" here, or the right to tell him what to do with money he earned. My dad is smart enough to already have a will set up. He updated everything after my mother died. What more do you recommend?

+1. I don’t think you are naive about anything. I don’t understand why people are acting like you dad - only 68 years old has lost his mind!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:tell him that you expect nothing from your father's estate. I have family that is banking on something while I am taking care of my own finances so I don't have to worry about that.

It is your father's estate, he can donate it all to some charity or leave it all to the new wife. bottom line is your husband is looking for a payday.

+1

How much are we talking, OP?

I am not comfortable sharing amounts, sorry. It isn't pittance, or the conversation would not have come up.

I'm assuming you (the not comfortable one) are OP?

I noticed you've addressed most of the concerns, but haven't addressed things pertaining to your Dad's death/burial if he dies before his new wife.
Does your family have religious or cultural beliefs that determine what happens to the body when someone dies? Does this woman have the same beliefs?

Is she also a widow? Do you know where her husband is buried? Does she have children who would want their parents to be buried together?

If your mom is buried do you expect your dad to be buried with her? What if his new wife decided to have him cremated and have his ashes scattered somewhere?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:True story with a friend of mine.

Mom died.

Dad remarried than died of a heart attack within the year; his will had not been updated.

New wife got EVERYTHING, including all the jewelry that belonged to my friend’s mother.

It’s worth a what-if conversation with your dad.

Similar thing happened in my extended family. New wife got everything, and then left it all to her own kids (Dad and new wife were in their 60s, both already had grown children, didn’t have any more together). So the Dad’s daughters (my relatives) got to watch their step-siblings inherit their own mother’s wedding band, set of silver that had been in their mom’s family for a few generations, some quilts from their great-grandmother, and other family heirlooms that meant nothing to the step-sibs beyond what they could sell it for. A box of photo albums from their mom’s childhood went into the trash because the step-sibs didn’t know the people in the pictures. It was devastating to watch.

OP, I get respecting your dad’s wishes. My own dad is remarried, and I fully support his right to make those decisions. But I would encourage you to think about whether there’s any sentimental items from your mom that you would like to have someday. If so, maybe just work that into the conversation one day. “I’ve always loved these earrings of hers, I remember she wore them to my wedding. When you are ready to pass these along, would you mind if I keep them?” That might lead to a bigger conversation about how they are designating items for the various kids, or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You seem overly sensitive about this. Calm down.

Your husband has a practical and cynical outlook, but he's not necessarily wrong and is not blinded by filial devotion.

Keep loving and supporting your father, but respect that your husband is looking out for you financially.

Thanks for sharing your perspective and adding the part about calming down, which is always helpful.

I read a lot of the comments here with interest. I don't think there is a way for me to bring up my dad's will with him without seeming insensitive. Even if my intentions are good, asking someone about their will is very tricky - they should be bringing it up, not you. This is why I am offended by my husband's comments, even if his intentions were pure.

Do you have any good suggestions for how to approach this conversation?

I think you can say you’re happy he’s found someone, you look forward to them having a great long life together, but given that they’re marrying it’s important to have a serious and probably a little uncomfortable conversation about finances and estate planning. You can say, we’ve all heard horror stories about these situations and you want to be sure that he’s considering his responsibilities as a provider to his real family.

Or just watch Tommy Boy together and pause it when Big Tom dies. Like “say, Dad, I just thought of something...”

Do not, under any circumstances, say the PP’s bit about your dad’s “responsibilities as a provider to his real family.” What the hell, PP? “Real family”? You sound like a piece of work.

OP, I just had this conversation with my dad (he didn’t remarry but he had a health scare that caused him to start putting his affairs in order and communicating about it). What I said when I asked was, “I would like to understand what you would like to happen to your estate so that I can honor your wishes about what goes where.” At that point, he told me what he wanted and where it all was. I made it about how I, as his daughter, could honor his wishes and his life after he passes. Maybe you could try that.

[Anonymous]

At 68, he should calm his hormones. He doesn't need a wife. He is just horny. It is disgraceful to your mom's memory. He had his love. Now he should focus on being a grandpa.

Everything your mom worked for will go to this new wife and HER kids.

[Anonymous]

Will your dad be buried with your mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At 68, he should calm his hormones. He doesn't need a wife. He is just horny. It is disgraceful to your mom's memory. He had his love. Now he should focus on being a grandpa.

Everything your mom worked for will go to this new wife and HER kids.

Because you say so?