morning routine is KILLING us (5.5 year old)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Breakfast and clothes are optional. He can go to school in PJ’s and bring some dry cereal in the car. I definitely would not have this battle every morning. I would just keep repeating how long until we are leaving. “We are leaving in 30 minutes, 20, 10...etc.”

Seriously just drop the rope.

What would you do then at 7:45 if your child is not dressed and has not eaten and does not have shoes on? Do you just pick them up screaming and kicking and put them in the car? I am legitimately asking. I struggle to see past not doing anything for him and seeing how this plays out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like you are letting him be in charge. He is 5 not 2. Why is he allowed to scream at you? Or scream in general?
He needs to get dressed in the morning as soon as he gets up. If he does this he can have X ( whatever currency works, screens, piece of candy in lunch etc) If he does not then he loses X. X can be later in the day, it doesnt have to be immediate for a 5yo.
My kid hates the idea of going to bed early so that is something we use, along with screens.
I would not tolerate screaming at his age.

I have no idea where he learned to scream. We actually have a very quiet house. It’s like his morning power move. It is infuriating. I don’t know how we allowed it? We don’t know how to get him to stop. Other than to lock him in his room?

He does not behave this way at school, and he does not have difficulty with any other transitions. It is the mornings that are absolutely terrible. Every morning. It’s like he is surprised he has to get dressed again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all of the replies but I will say that my kid had ADHD and is terrible in the mornings. I would wake him up with a protein snack and his clothes in my hands and literally dress him while he was still lying in bed. When he got out of bed he put his shoes on and brushed his teeth and washed his face -- until 3rd grade, when he started getting dressed himself. Which is ridiculous, I know. But it meant that we were done with the whole thing in the first 15 minutes of waking and it gave him the most time to relax, play, chill, eat breakfast, prior to going to school. His mood increased immensely.

One other thing. I would try to think of something interesting to talk about it while I was dressing him to help distract him from what we were doing. Maybe talk about a favorite class he had that day, or mention the book we were reading at night and ask him what he thought would happen next, that kind of thing.

[Anonymous]

I have a difficult 4 yr old and what has been working is motivation charts. Like I type up 5 things I would like him to work on and he gets stickers for when he achieves them. 50 stickers earn a specific toy or whatever he wants. If he doesn't do it, no sticker and no discussion/attention. This technique is discussed in detail in this book, which I found helpful: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0547085826/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o03_s01?ie=UTF8&psc=1.

Agree that the choice thing is no longer working and you just have to be super clear and positive about what you expect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like you are letting him be in charge. He is 5 not 2. Why is he allowed to scream at you? Or scream in general?
He needs to get dressed in the morning as soon as he gets up. If he does this he can have X ( whatever currency works, screens, piece of candy in lunch etc) If he does not then he loses X. X can be later in the day, it doesnt have to be immediate for a 5yo.
My kid hates the idea of going to bed early so that is something we use, along with screens.
I would not tolerate screaming at his age.

I have no idea where he learned to scream. We actually have a very quiet house. It’s like his morning power move. It is infuriating. I don’t know how we allowed it? We don’t know how to get him to stop. Other than to lock him in his room?

He does not behave this way at school, and he does not have difficulty with any other transitions. It is the mornings that are absolutely terrible. Every morning. It’s like he is surprised he has to get dressed again.

I always think parents who say things like: "I would not tolerate screaming" are living in a different world. What does that even mean? If you have a kid who is too disregulated or impulsive to respond to consequences, you cannot stop it, short of muzzling the kid.

[Anonymous]

Connect, connect, connect.
To do this, it's crucial that you get up earlier. Get yourself completely ready. Then connect with your kid and take your time moving through the morning. Likely, your kid senses that you're stressed / worried about being late / irritated. That makes kids' brains even more reactive.
Honestly, this is what finally worked for us. Can definitely empathize - most of the mornings during Kindergarten were stressful for us because similar behavior. It's tough. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've done sleep in school clothes, but what worked better for us was, everything, EVERYTHING, set out on Sunday night. 5 "rolls" of clothes, including underwear and socks, are in a row on a special tray in DC's room. 5 days of breakfasts are in the fridge, ready to eat at home or car. Choice was actually a problem. Complete consistency, predictability, and nothing to fight about was the solution.

Good luck. DC is now 8 and these days are long behind us.

I'm the immediate pp. I am going to try this with my 5yo next week. Picking an outfit the night before hasnt worked, but I am thinking you were on to something with the "rolls" and the special tray...

I'll note my kid picks the clothes out for the rolls, not me, plus the breakfast items. So there's buy-in.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he doesn’t like getting dressed because of all the fine motor stuff that he hast to do? I don’t know. That’s why my kid doesn’t like it. I just help him with it. It takes less than one minute to get him dressed. When we have more time, I’ll leave him to get dressed himself. But when it’s a rush to get up? Just get him dressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Natural consequences is what I'd do here.

Let him go out the door in his pjs, with no shoes, and no breakfast. Pack all that stuff with you. See what happens. It's likely he'll ask to wear shoes because his feet will get cold, his friends will ask him why he's wearing pajamas instead of regular clothes, and he'll probably be starving by lunch. Then you can tell him this is why you make him do these things.

+1

[Anonymous]

We do no breakfast until most of the morning routine is done. My kids wake up hungry, so they aren't inclined to play until they've eaten first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you, everyone.

A few things:
1. It doesn’t seem if he wakes up hungry. Breakfast seems to be another obstacle on his way. Should we do breakfast right away? Or breakfast in the car? I am not sure.

2. I won hundred percent agree with the no playing. How do we introduce this? How do we enforce it without more screaming?

3. He cannot sleep in his clothes. He runs very hot.

Is there a way to use the Hatch light to give a visual cue of time to leave? I think maybe you need to put him to bed earlier and see if that helps. Then there is less time for play.

I also didn't like the feel of my clothes-I grew fast and they were too tight or itchy or just unpleasant. Getting older and buying better/softer clothes when I could better articulate it helped a lot.

A friend had better luck with the kids eating in the car than in the mornings. They love the siggi's yogurts and that was used as a bribe. The preschool ended around 10:30/11a and they were ravenous when they got out so a snack then and a bigger brunch 30min later when they got home worked well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Natural consequences is what I'd do here.

Let him go out the door in his pjs, with no shoes, and no breakfast. Pack all that stuff with you. See what happens. It's likely he'll ask to wear shoes because his feet will get cold, his friends will ask him why he's wearing pajamas instead of regular clothes, and he'll probably be starving by lunch. Then you can tell him this is why you make him do these things.

We have considered this. But I also can’t imagine picking him up and dragging him to the car and forcing him into his car seat… That kind of stuff. Sounds violent and physically exhausting. If he would willingly get in the car in pajamas, and unfed, then I would consider this option.

NP here. Unfortunately, a lot of parenting involves playing the long game. You’re in a cycle of constant screaming abd battles. If you try the above, things will be temporarily worse but then they will get better. It’s going to be a crap day. Your kid will scream. Stop being afraid of his screams. You need to decide to be calm abd enforce this. Tell him it’s time to go when it’s time to go. Repeat calmly “Time to get in the car and go to school” I would only have shoes available in the car — no food (or a slice of plain bread if you must, nothing enjoyable like granola bars)

This is where you have to be the parent. Unfortunately, a lot of parenting takes effort and work. You can decide if you want to have a few bad days or a few bad YEARS. Your call.

He's too young to understand natural consequences beyond his need for his parent's attention, otherwise he would choose to eat to survive. He thinks he needs parental attention to survive, and he does! He can't make breakfast for himself yet otherwise he would.

Are you OP???

If your kid is 5 years old he can definitely understand the above. In fact, even if he had SN he would understand. It would take severe developmental delays for him not to understand this.

The problem is YOU.

[Anonymous]

OP, when my oldest was that age (He has adhd and is a master procrastinator) we did two things. First we created a social story (basically a picture of each step that happens from wake up to getting to school). Then we “read” it over with him and made sure he understood it-we did this nightly for a long time (we can put each page up on his wall in his room). Then we also did incentives. No punishment; nothing negative. You figure out your kids currency and use that. Maybe it’s iPad time, or special breakfast or a trip to curbside pickup for a favorite snack after school—whatever. You don’t get mad or angry at him. You also give warnings (breakfast is in 5 minutes—set a timer in his room (analog so he can watch it). This isn’t magic and it will not change things overnight. But it will change things and make things more positive for both you and him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've done sleep in school clothes, but what worked better for us was, everything, EVERYTHING, set out on Sunday night. 5 "rolls" of clothes, including underwear and socks, are in a row on a special tray in DC's room. 5 days of breakfasts are in the fridge, ready to eat at home or car. Choice was actually a problem. Complete consistency, predictability, and nothing to fight about was the solution.

Good luck. DC is now 8 and these days are long behind us.

This worked for us as well.
+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like you are letting him be in charge. He is 5 not 2. Why is he allowed to scream at you? Or scream in general?
He needs to get dressed in the morning as soon as he gets up. If he does this he can have X ( whatever currency works, screens, piece of candy in lunch etc) If he does not then he loses X. X can be later in the day, it doesnt have to be immediate for a 5yo.
My kid hates the idea of going to bed early so that is something we use, along with screens.
I would not tolerate screaming at his age.

I have no idea where he learned to scream. We actually have a very quiet house. It’s like his morning power move. It is infuriating. I don’t know how we allowed it? We don’t know how to get him to stop. Other than to lock him in his room?

He does not behave this way at school, and he does not have difficulty with any other transitions. It is the mornings that are absolutely terrible. Every morning. It’s like he is surprised he has to get dressed again.

I always think parents who say things like: "I would not tolerate screaming" are living in a different world. What does that even mean? If you have a kid who is too disregulated or impulsive to respond to consequences, you cannot stop it, short of muzzling the kid.

Lol

NP here. I have one NT kid and one with nonverbal autism. Guess what? I don’t tolerate screaming from either one. It just takes a lot more therapy and effort to communicate with the autistic child. It’s a cakewalk with the NT child — just a few days of focused parenting.

Nobody can make you choose to parent your child if you refuse.