morning routine is KILLING us (5.5 year old)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Then there needs to be incentive to come out of his room. Keep toys out of his room. .

1. My kid has no toys in his bedroom but the stuffies he sleeps with. This makes mornings and bedtimes significantly easier. In addition, it allows us to use his bedroom as a time-out space, when he refuses to sit in a time-out chair.

2. My DC, 4, was a nightmare just a year ago. I bared it all on this board, and got ripped a new one, but one poster suggested the Kazdin method, and it was game-changing for us. It sounds very similar to 123 magic in that you look for ways to give the kid positive attention. I am also working with a professional therapist. I would not have made the progress that I did without my kid’s therapist.

3. My time-out procedure: kid sits in chair for 4 minutes. If he gets off the chair, the timer restarts. If he gets off again, he goes to his room to calm down. I lock the door with a Monkie Lock. He can come out when he’s calm, and then he had to sit in the time-out chair for four minutes.

4. The Kazdin Method. Alan Kazdin is the head of the Yale Parenting Group, and former president of the APA. I use his book “ The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child.” The book reads like a psych textbook, and includes a short DVD that’s super-helpful. My kid has changed tremendously. Please don’t give up on your kid. The well-intentioned pp who said “ some kids are just wired that way” sounds like she’s giving you permission to keep doing what you’re doing. You obviously have a tougher child, which means that you need to be a better than average parent. No shame in that. But I haven’t heard you talk about any comprehensive parenting system yet. Your kid needs it. 123 magic and the Kazdin method are both well-reputed. If you have the funds, I would buy both books (make sure you get a Kazdin book with the DVD), read both, and choose one. After you choose one, have your spouse read it, too. It sucks that this will be how you use your free time for a few days, but your daily life will get so. much. easier.

5. If spouse won’t read the books ( mine wouldn’t), get a roll of chart paper and summarize the book on posters. Tell your partner that these are the notes you need to remind yourself of your new parenting style. I’ve said it on other threads, but parents need to work together. My resistant spouse was burned out, thought nothing would work anyway, and didn’t want to waste his free time reading a book. I needed him on board, so I developed this poster method. He has never been resistant to the posters. The fact that the most important facts were behind my head at the breakfast table never seemed to occur to him.

[Anonymous]

Again, without the blue.

1. My kid has no toys in his bedroom but the stuffies he sleeps with. This makes mornings and bedtimes significantly easier. In addition, it allows us to use his bedroom as a time-out space, when he refuses to sit in a time-out chair.

2. My DC, 4, was a nightmare just a year ago. I bared it all on this board, and got ripped a new one, but one poster suggested the Kazdin method, and it was game-changing for us. It sounds very similar to 123 magic in that you look for ways to give the kid positive attention. I am also working with a professional therapist. I would not have made the progress that I did without my kid’s therapist.

3. My time-out procedure: kid sits in chair for 4 minutes. If he gets off the chair, the timer restarts. If he gets off again, he goes to his room to calm down. I lock the door with a Monkie Lock. He can come out when he’s calm, and then he had to sit in the time-out chair for four minutes.

4. The Kazdin Method. Alan Kazdin is the head of the Yale Parenting Group, and former president of the APA. I use his book “ The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child.” The book reads like a psych textbook, and includes a short DVD that’s super-helpful. My kid has changed tremendously. Please don’t give up on your kid. The well-intentioned pp who said “ some kids are just wired that way” sounds like she’s giving you permission to keep doing what you’re doing. You obviously have a tougher child, which means that you need to be a better than average parent. No shame in that. But I haven’t heard you talk about any comprehensive parenting system yet. Your kid needs it. 123 magic and the Kazdin method are both well-reputed. If you have the funds, I would buy both books (make sure you get a Kazdin book with the DVD), read both, and choose one. After you choose one, have your spouse read it, too. It sucks that this will be how you use your free time for a few days, but your daily life will get so. much. easier.

5. If spouse won’t read the books ( mine wouldn’t), get a roll of chart paper and summarize the book on posters. Tell your partner that these are the notes you need to remind yourself of your new parenting style. I’ve said it on other threads, but parents need to work together. My resistant spouse was burned out, thought nothing would work anyway, and didn’t want to waste his free time reading a book. I needed him on board, so I developed this poster method. He has never been resistant to the posters. The fact that the most important facts were behind my head at the breakfast table never seemed to occur to him.

[Anonymous]

Bah! It’s just the age. Mine does the same. What’s worked a little is that we’ve empowered our 5 yr old to do it themselves with choices. Leave breakfast in a grab and go container so DD can make it herself (I.e. pour milk into cereal in Tupperware; take premade toast w/jelly out of fridge). I have a girl who is particular about clothes so we let her pick hers out herself and as long as it is weather appropriate we just go with whatever crazy outfit she picks - likely with a tutu, contrasting patterns of unicorns and a tiara.. same for shoes and coat.
Honestly, there are days we toss the shoes and coat in the car and deal with it when we arrive at school (private so in person).

Good luck. See if “empowered” works better than being forced. If not, this will pass eventually..

[Anonymous]

Update OP?

8 pages of tips, suggestions, and commiserations - did you try any of them?
Did you have a better morning today?

[Anonymous]

I am not going to read all 8 pages, sorry, but what we do that works. And when you say you have tried charts etc sorry if this is repeating those ideas but maybe its the way you do it.

1) We have a chart that rewards a variety of morning behavior. They get a gold star for almost every part of the morning routine. Putting away their dishes, taking off a pull up on their own before asked when they get up, getting dressed with a smile etc.

2) TV. TV distracts them from their toys and has hard end points that can be timed with turning off the TV. If they are having a bad morning and being bad it distracts them enough to let me dress them.

3) Counting for sure helps. And I give my kids loads and loads of choices. They choose their cereal, they can choose their clothes if they want to, they have input into their lunches. They get many choices, but if they start giving me crap, the choices stop coming. They know this.

4) Punishment sometimes. They go to time out if they are being really bad.

[Anonymous]

OP here. THANK YOU for the good ideas and advice. I do appreciate it and read every response.

Some applied more than others. We know our child highly values connection. I agree that the behavior is connection seeking. DH runs the morning and his weakness, for sure, is connection (due to his own upbringing, he's not a dad who comes downstairs and cuddles the kids with good morning kisses). DH and I talked about this and DH will try to meet this need with DS.

We asked his teacher if our child has difficulty at school and he said no, and was surprised to hear about our difficulties at home. Because it is a small, amazing school, the teacher offered to support us by checking in with our son about the morning and offering some 1:1 time as a "reward" for a good morning. Our son is delighted with this plan as it also includes connection, and he can feel proud about his behavior.

At home, we decided to change the schedule so that my DH is showered, dishwasher unloaded, BEFORE the morning rush begins. This way he, too, can connect with DS any moment he gets. As mentioned above, DH will work on physical touch and love with DS. This was all very good advice.

We also asked DS what makes him so angry in the morning and he said putting on his shoes. So, we agreed that DH will do the shoes as long as DS gets dressed first.

We also utilized a visual timer.

We HOPE it doesn't come down to dragging him to the car in his PJs.

I am going to lock this thread now. Thank you all, very much, for your advice. I can tell many were thoughtful and in our best interest. All the best!