morning routine is KILLING us (5.5 year old)

[Anonymous]

I don't know if this is possible for you to do, but the one time my kid did not want to go to school, I didn't make him go to school. I took him to work in pajamas and he sat in a corner with one shade of paper and a black crayon. It was so boring that ever since, he's been up and dressed himself and zipped into the car for school

[Anonymous]

I do a race with my DD to get dressed in the morning when she's stalling. She's very competitive so this motivates her to move fast. I make a big thing of it too so its fun for her.

[Anonymous]

My spirited child was actually suffering from anxiety which wasn't treated until she was a preteen. Her behavior was like this at that age. She too enjoyed school, but that didn't stop the stress she would experience prior to any changes in environment...which I would experience as her meltdowns.

Is it possible your son has anxiety? Maybe you could really spend some time talking with him about it and working up ways together to calm his jittery feelings. Again, the fact that he enjoys school or is happy afterwards doesn't mean he isn't anxious about leaving home to start his day there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm.. op there is an option... not to get angry and not to think hitting is the only option. Imagine staying calm? Like an adult should?
Perhaps you are not an adult?

OP here and DH and I have really improved on this. We don’t get angry. I might sound angry here, because I’m tired. My SON screams at us, but we have been better about not angry back.

Definitely a step in the right direction. Please do not dismiss 1, 2, 3 Magic. This sounds like too simple of advice, but it truly is about changing your behavior. You said your kid is typical, so give it a try.

[Anonymous]

I feel like you are letting him be in charge. He is 5 not 2. Why is he allowed to scream at you? Or scream in general?
He needs to get dressed in the morning as soon as he gets up. If he does this he can have X ( whatever currency works, screens, piece of candy in lunch etc) If he does not then he loses X. X can be later in the day, it doesnt have to be immediate for a 5yo.
My kid hates the idea of going to bed early so that is something we use, along with screens.
I would not tolerate screaming at his age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm.. op there is an option... not to get angry and not to think hitting is the only option. Imagine staying calm? Like an adult should?
Perhaps you are not an adult?

OP here and DH and I have really improved on this. We don’t get angry. I might sound angry here, because I’m tired. My SON screams at us, but we have been better about not angry back.

If he scream, he goes to his room, shut the door. He can scream there. When he calms down and stops screaming he may come out. He is welcome to stay in his room and scream all the way until you need to leave. Then he goes to school as-is.

I don't scream to my children and I expect them to not scream at me. It isn't how we communicate

Or... when he wakes up, after a cuddle in bed, which most kids love, OP says, "now, once you get up you will not scream. There is no screaming in this house. If you scream, you will go back in your room and stay there until you calm down."
Then she has him repeat it. She gives consequence, calmly. Such as , after your third warning not to scream, make sure he has three warnings, do not enforce consequence without the third warning, you will enforce the consequence you gave.
Let's say he has a Mctoy from his happy meal, "if after the third warning you do not calm down and do...(outlines one step at a time, do not give him an order like he is 18, put clothes on, or eat, one at a time....) this toy will go into the garbage and will never come back.(make sure this is not a valuable toy, never punish with something he adores and is important to him, do not take away blankie or favorite toy, something unimportant that will be important only in that moment). Then throw it away, for real, do not yell, scream, ask a 4th time. Throw it away so that he can see it. It will take 2,3 times tops and he will think he wants to get dressed on his own and eat on his own. Outline what you are doing and what he is doing ahead of time. He is becoming an older kid and he gets it. It is always barking ordered when kids want self-rule that causes the problem. Imagine if you were watching a show you love, and you are an adult and your DH came in and barked at you to get up and put your shoes on? What would you do? Give your kid the same benefit you would and adult, with these easy steps and knowing you are in charge but allowing him to feel in control.

[Anonymous]

Is he like this for all transitions or just the morning one? If just the morning one, is there a reason for it? Ask him. For my DD, she was so worried she would miss outside play before school that it would work her up before we even got to getting dressed. Just knowing she could miss it set her off every morning. Once we figured that out, we could work to address that, versus just pestering about steps.

If all transitions are like that, teach timer and kitchen timer. Teach timer for the entire amount of time left and then kitchen timer for each segment. Sticker if he beats the timer. Ten stickers is a prize.

Whatever you pick, remember it takes 30 days of exactly the same thing to see results. And before you get permeance, there is an extinction burst of terrible behavior and backlash to get you to break. Stay the course and it will work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Natural consequences is what I'd do here.

Let him go out the door in his pjs, with no shoes, and no breakfast. Pack all that stuff with you. See what happens. It's likely he'll ask to wear shoes because his feet will get cold, his friends will ask him why he's wearing pajamas instead of regular clothes, and he'll probably be starving by lunch. Then you can tell him this is why you make him do these things.

We have considered this. But I also can’t imagine picking him up and dragging him to the car and forcing him into his car seat… That kind of stuff. Sounds violent and physically exhausting. If he would willingly get in the car in pajamas, and unfed, then I would consider this option.

NP here. Unfortunately, a lot of parenting involves playing the long game. You’re in a cycle of constant screaming abd battles. If you try the above, things will be temporarily worse but then they will get better. It’s going to be a crap day. Your kid will scream. Stop being afraid of his screams. You need to decide to be calm abd enforce this. Tell him it’s time to go when it’s time to go. Repeat calmly “Time to get in the car and go to school” I would only have shoes available in the car — no food (or a slice of plain bread if you must, nothing enjoyable like granola bars)

This is where you have to be the parent. Unfortunately, a lot of parenting takes effort and work. You can decide if you want to have a few bad days or a few bad YEARS. Your call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. No playing in the morning, unless *maybe* if everything else is done
2. Put him to sleep in his clothes for the next day
3. Breakfast immediately after waking up

+1

And, no expecting him to do anything by himself, and absolutely NO shaming him for his need for your attention and companionship while he is going through your family's morning routine. He's uncomfortable with separating from you and, by his behavior, is telling you thus non-verbally

He will progress out of this phase, but the phase will resurface later. He won't remember why or how he was difficult when he's older unless you emphasize to him repeatedly now that he is difficult. He's capable of feeling intense shame but he's not capable of changing his behavior on his own yet. His inadequacy to cope 'successfully' with his painful reality, which he is communicating to you, is developmentally appropriate.

[Anonymous]

OP I would try partnering with him for some problem solving outside of morning time. This book has some good ways to do the problem solving with kids: https://www.amazon.com/Raising-Human-Beings-Collaborative-Partnership/dp/1476723761

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Natural consequences is what I'd do here.

Let him go out the door in his pjs, with no shoes, and no breakfast. Pack all that stuff with you. See what happens. It's likely he'll ask to wear shoes because his feet will get cold, his friends will ask him why he's wearing pajamas instead of regular clothes, and he'll probably be starving by lunch. Then you can tell him this is why you make him do these things.

We have considered this. But I also can’t imagine picking him up and dragging him to the car and forcing him into his car seat… That kind of stuff. Sounds violent and physically exhausting. If he would willingly get in the car in pajamas, and unfed, then I would consider this option.

NP here. Unfortunately, a lot of parenting involves playing the long game. You’re in a cycle of constant screaming abd battles. If you try the above, things will be temporarily worse but then they will get better. It’s going to be a crap day. Your kid will scream. Stop being afraid of his screams. You need to decide to be calm abd enforce this. Tell him it’s time to go when it’s time to go. Repeat calmly “Time to get in the car and go to school” I would only have shoes available in the car — no food (or a slice of plain bread if you must, nothing enjoyable like granola bars)

This is where you have to be the parent. Unfortunately, a lot of parenting takes effort and work. You can decide if you want to have a few bad days or a few bad YEARS. Your call.

He's too young to understand natural consequences beyond his need for his parent's attention, otherwise he would choose to eat to survive. He thinks he needs parental attention to survive, and he does! He can't make breakfast for himself yet otherwise he would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Natural consequences is what I'd do here.

Let him go out the door in his pjs, with no shoes, and no breakfast. Pack all that stuff with you. See what happens. It's likely he'll ask to wear shoes because his feet will get cold, his friends will ask him why he's wearing pajamas instead of regular clothes, and he'll probably be starving by lunch. Then you can tell him this is why you make him do these things.

We have considered this. But I also can’t imagine picking him up and dragging him to the car and forcing him into his car seat… That kind of stuff. Sounds violent and physically exhausting. If he would willingly get in the car in pajamas, and unfed, then I would consider this option.

NP here. Unfortunately, a lot of parenting involves playing the long game. You’re in a cycle of constant screaming abd battles. If you try the above, things will be temporarily worse but then they will get better. It’s going to be a crap day. Your kid will scream. Stop being afraid of his screams. You need to decide to be calm abd enforce this. Tell him it’s time to go when it’s time to go. Repeat calmly “Time to get in the car and go to school” I would only have shoes available in the car — no food (or a slice of plain bread if you must, nothing enjoyable like granola bars)

This is where you have to be the parent. Unfortunately, a lot of parenting takes effort and work. You can decide if you want to have a few bad days or a few bad YEARS. Your call.

He's too young to understand natural consequences beyond his need for his parent's attention, otherwise he would choose to eat to survive. He thinks he needs parental attention to survive, and he does! He can't make breakfast for himself yet otherwise he would.

He's not too young to understand that if he misses a meal, he gets hungry.

[Anonymous]

Breakfast and clothes are optional. He can go to school in PJ’s and bring some dry cereal in the car. I definitely would not have this battle every morning. I would just keep repeating how long until we are leaving. “We are leaving in 30 minutes, 20, 10...etc.”

Seriously just drop the rope.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, no advice just commiseration, OP! I was starting to worry, but thanks for making me realize it’s normal.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all of the replies but I will say that my kid had ADHD and is terrible in the mornings. I would wake him up with a protein snack and his clothes in my hands and literally dress him while he was still lying in bed. When he got out of bed he put his shoes on and brushed his teeth and washed his face -- until 3rd grade, when he started getting dressed himself. Which is ridiculous, I know. But it meant that we were done with the whole thing in the first 15 minutes of waking and it gave him the most time to relax, play, chill, eat breakfast, prior to going to school. His mood increased immensely.