Has anyone stayed with a spouse after they had an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH had a full blown affair with a co-worker. Expensive dinners, hotel stays, real feelings involved etc. I know everyone says this but I never thought I would find myself here. I have lost 10 pounds the past month from not eating, generally feel anxious and nauseous most of the day, and have a constant play of images of them together in my mind. We have 2 elementary age children and DH says that he is willing to go to counseling and wants to work on the marriage and has cut contact with the affair partner and given me access to all his passwords, phone, etc. I just don't know how I will ever get over this and wonder whether he is actually in love with this woman but feels compelled to stay and work on the marriage for the sake of the children. How do you decide whether to stay or go?

I've been through this - also a long-term affair that produced a child.

First, I'm really sorry you're going through this. It is very hurtful and I send you my hugs.

My view is that you're rushing this, and rushing yourself into a decision. Although this is perfectly understandable. Processing a long-term affair is a long-term process and you must allow it to unfold as it will. There will be tears and sleepless nights, and mad fluctuation between love and disgust and murderous instincts.

Here is my advice to you:

Do not speak to him unless necessary for logistics and childcare. Do not have any long heartfelt tearful conversations. Do not ask if he loves you, if he loves her, if this or that, that's all nonsense. Just stop. Retreat into your room. Withdraw completely, and stay withdrawn for as long as you need. You will know when you're ready to emerge.

Whether you can live through this will depend on whether your husband commits himself to righting the marriage. (Also, do not start down the path of "what did I do wrong?" Nothing. He damaged the marriage, it's on him to right it.) Now the critical part is that he MUST think you are ready to walk. It's OK if you are not, but it is critical that he believes it. Do not under any circumstances tell him "I can get over it if you XYZ". If he asks you, say you don't know. You're not ready. You're not sure. Then, wait and see.

It took us about a year, I'd say. I don't believe in therapy so we didn't do it. I think we have a strong marriage, a more realistic one. We both understand how critical this marriage is for everything we want to achieve, and we're much more protective of it than before.

Good luck to you, my dear. It's not easy. But it's not the end of the world.

what happened to the child?

Erm...it is growing? What exactly are you asking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This scenario happened to me almost exactly 2 years ago. Coworker affair for 1.5 years. We have 2 young kids. I went ballistic. We are divorced, and usually amicable now.

My advice - skip the useless couples therapy... skip having his passwords and ruining your mental health "monitoring" his phone... wondering what he's doing at work... where is he... why is he late... is that really a "work trip"... who is he calling... texting... eating lunch with. Am I pretty enough, sexy enough, exciting enough, loveable enough. You'll f-ing die inside.

Lawyer up, and then load him in the car and drop him off at HER house. He wanted this, he can have it.

You're worth more than this. NO I really dont think the sting of betrayal goes away. He tainted your marriage. It will never be the same.

20:35 here. This is so true. Do you want to live your life with all the password nonsense and monitoring everything? Which is useless, because these days anyone with half a brain will have burner phones, throwaway emails, and an extra credit card the spouse doesn’t know about.

[Anonymous]

^ they purchase visa gift cards at Whole Foods and CVS- get real! That’s what they use so no trace to an account and the purchase looks legit on the regular credit card Bill. They do t even bother with burner email after setup they use direct internet messaging so no trace—a million ways to do that as simple as Skype.

You cannot catch them...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH had a full blown affair with a co-worker. Expensive dinners, hotel stays, real feelings involved etc. I know everyone says this but I never thought I would find myself here. I have lost 10 pounds the past month from not eating, generally feel anxious and nauseous most of the day, and have a constant play of images of them together in my mind. We have 2 elementary age children and DH says that he is willing to go to counseling and wants to work on the marriage and has cut contact with the affair partner and given me access to all his passwords, phone, etc. I just don't know how I will ever get over this and wonder whether he is actually in love with this woman but feels compelled to stay and work on the marriage for the sake of the children. How do you decide whether to stay or go?

I've been through this - also a long-term affair that produced a child.

First, I'm really sorry you're going through this. It is very hurtful and I send you my hugs.

My view is that you're rushing this, and rushing yourself into a decision. Although this is perfectly understandable. Processing a long-term affair is a long-term process and you must allow it to unfold as it will. There will be tears and sleepless nights, and mad fluctuation between love and disgust and murderous instincts.

Here is my advice to you:

Do not speak to him unless necessary for logistics and childcare. Do not have any long heartfelt tearful conversations. Do not ask if he loves you, if he loves her, if this or that, that's all nonsense. Just stop. Retreat into your room. Withdraw completely, and stay withdrawn for as long as you need. You will know when you're ready to emerge.

Whether you can live through this will depend on whether your husband commits himself to righting the marriage. (Also, do not start down the path of "what did I do wrong?" Nothing. He damaged the marriage, it's on him to right it.) Now the critical part is that he MUST think you are ready to walk. It's OK if you are not, but it is critical that he believes it. Do not under any circumstances tell him "I can get over it if you XYZ". If he asks you, say you don't know. You're not ready. You're not sure. Then, wait and see.

It took us about a year, I'd say. I don't believe in therapy so we didn't do it. I think we have a strong marriage, a more realistic one. We both understand how critical this marriage is for everything we want to achieve, and we're much more protective of it than before.

Good luck to you, my dear. It's not easy. But it's not the end of the world.

what happened to the child?

Erm...it is growing? What exactly are you asking?

I think she means is it involved in you and your kid’s life as a half sibling, step child. Is your husband paying child support?

[Anonymous]

Do yourself a favor and leave him. Get yourself some counseling. This comes from an XW who’s XDH said he’d stay to work it out. He had the affairs. He was lying, it didn’t work out. Wasted time and $ on counseling and honesty I couldn’t ever trust him again and became miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH had a full blown affair with a co-worker. Expensive dinners, hotel stays, real feelings involved etc. I know everyone says this but I never thought I would find myself here. I have lost 10 pounds the past month from not eating, generally feel anxious and nauseous most of the day, and have a constant play of images of them together in my mind. We have 2 elementary age children and DH says that he is willing to go to counseling and wants to work on the marriage and has cut contact with the affair partner and given me access to all his passwords, phone, etc. I just don't know how I will ever get over this and wonder whether he is actually in love with this woman but feels compelled to stay and work on the marriage for the sake of the children. How do you decide whether to stay or go?

I've been through this - also a long-term affair that produced a child.

First, I'm really sorry you're going through this. It is very hurtful and I send you my hugs.

My view is that you're rushing this, and rushing yourself into a decision. Although this is perfectly understandable. Processing a long-term affair is a long-term process and you must allow it to unfold as it will. There will be tears and sleepless nights, and mad fluctuation between love and disgust and murderous instincts.

Here is my advice to you:

Do not speak to him unless necessary for logistics and childcare. Do not have any long heartfelt tearful conversations. Do not ask if he loves you, if he loves her, if this or that, that's all nonsense. Just stop. Retreat into your room. Withdraw completely, and stay withdrawn for as long as you need. You will know when you're ready to emerge.

Whether you can live through this will depend on whether your husband commits himself to righting the marriage. (Also, do not start down the path of "what did I do wrong?" Nothing. He damaged the marriage, it's on him to right it.) Now the critical part is that he MUST think you are ready to walk. It's OK if you are not, but it is critical that he believes it. Do not under any circumstances tell him "I can get over it if you XYZ". If he asks you, say you don't know. You're not ready. You're not sure. Then, wait and see.

It took us about a year, I'd say. I don't believe in therapy so we didn't do it. I think we have a strong marriage, a more realistic one. We both understand how critical this marriage is for everything we want to achieve, and we're much more protective of it than before.

Good luck to you, my dear. It's not easy. But it's not the end of the world.

what happened to the child?

Erm...it is growing? What exactly are you asking?

I think she means is it involved in you and your kid’s life as a half sibling, step child. Is your husband paying child support?

It's not involved in my life. DH is paying child support and the kids see her on a somewhat regular basis.

[Anonymous]

^wow. Does your husband visit with the ex-affair partner when kids visit ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^wow. Does your husband visit with the ex-affair partner when kids visit ?

How do you even explain that to kids in the context of your marriage? Some other lady is giving birth to their sister, but you were married the entire time?

That is unavoidable when they are older. I’m so sorry. That has to be incredibly tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^wow. Does your husband visit with the ex-affair partner when kids visit ?

How do you even explain that to kids in the context of your marriage? Some other lady is giving birth to their sister, but you were married the entire time?

That is unavoidable when they are older. I’m so sorry. That has to be incredibly tough.

It's not ideal, of course. There are many small annoyances. But I've put in the boundaries that work for me. I don't see it as my job to explain it to the kids. DH brought this situation about so it's on him to explain it. I'll support as necessary. I'm sure we'll figure out something that works for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Op, you’re not alone. I recently found out about DH’s affair. He says he was not in love at all but it lasted years. I don’t have answers for you as we are both on the same track but I will say that reading all the comments on this thread, it’s clear that it depends on the marriage and the people involved. I live day by day right now. As does he. If I don’t feel like he’s trying anymore, I’m ready to call it quits. I see it as up to him at this point. I don’t have much energy beyond taking care of my kids and working. Any energy I do have I input into myself. I rest, read, nap, exercise, whatever I can, to help myself. I’m processing and my body is feeling the brunt of this lie. He is remorseful but I’m not ready to even care about that.

Take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you’re not alone. I recently found out about DH’s affair. He says he was not in love at all but it lasted years. I don’t have answers for you as we are both on the same track but I will say that reading all the comments on this thread, it’s clear that it depends on the marriage and the people involved. I live day by day right now. As does he. If I don’t feel like he’s trying anymore, I’m ready to call it quits. I see it as up to him at this point. I don’t have much energy beyond taking care of my kids and working. Any energy I do have I input into myself. I rest, read, nap, exercise, whatever I can, to help myself. I’m processing and my body is feeling the brunt of this lie. He is remorseful but I’m not ready to even care about that.

Take care of yourself.

How long did it go on?! I’m so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you’re not alone. I recently found out about DH’s affair. He says he was not in love at all but it lasted years. I don’t have answers for you as we are both on the same track but I will say that reading all the comments on this thread, it’s clear that it depends on the marriage and the people involved. I live day by day right now. As does he. If I don’t feel like he’s trying anymore, I’m ready to call it quits. I see it as up to him at this point. I don’t have much energy beyond taking care of my kids and working. Any energy I do have I input into myself. I rest, read, nap, exercise, whatever I can, to help myself. I’m processing and my body is feeling the brunt of this lie. He is remorseful but I’m not ready to even care about that.

Take care of yourself.

I could have written this post. I have the same exact situation. I also am only doing my work and taking care of myself. The trauma is physically exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^wow. Does your husband visit with the ex-affair partner when kids visit ?

How do you even explain that to kids in the context of your marriage? Some other lady is giving birth to their sister, but you were married the entire time?

That is unavoidable when they are older. I’m so sorry. That has to be incredibly tough.

It's not ideal, of course. There are many small annoyances. But I've put in the boundaries that work for me. I don't see it as my job to explain it to the kids. DH brought this situation about so it's on him to explain it. I'll support as necessary. I'm sure we'll figure out something that works for everyone.

As teens they can do the math and realize this sibling was conceived abs birthed during your marriage. Please be aware, they might need counseling to deal with this deceit and lies from your spouse. Kids internalize a lot...and it comes out in their adult relationships later in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you’re not alone. I recently found out about DH’s affair. He says he was not in love at all but it lasted years. I don’t have answers for you as we are both on the same track but I will say that reading all the comments on this thread, it’s clear that it depends on the marriage and the people involved. I live day by day right now. As does he. If I don’t feel like he’s trying anymore, I’m ready to call it quits. I see it as up to him at this point. I don’t have much energy beyond taking care of my kids and working. Any energy I do have I input into myself. I rest, read, nap, exercise, whatever I can, to help myself. I’m processing and my body is feeling the brunt of this lie. He is remorseful but I’m not ready to even care about that.

Take care of yourself.

How long did it go on?! I’m so sorry.

4 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you’re not alone. I recently found out about DH’s affair. He says he was not in love at all but it lasted years. I don’t have answers for you as we are both on the same track but I will say that reading all the comments on this thread, it’s clear that it depends on the marriage and the people involved. I live day by day right now. As does he. If I don’t feel like he’s trying anymore, I’m ready to call it quits. I see it as up to him at this point. I don’t have much energy beyond taking care of my kids and working. Any energy I do have I input into myself. I rest, read, nap, exercise, whatever I can, to help myself. I’m processing and my body is feeling the brunt of this lie. He is remorseful but I’m not ready to even care about that.

Take care of yourself.

How long did it go on?! I’m so sorry.

4 years.

I’m the one that is in the same situation. 3.5 years here, but they had many months of no contact each year over that time span.