Has anyone stayed with a spouse after they had an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^skip Esther Pedro - she’s a cheater’s apologist. Not Just Friends is great.

The marriage can be reconciled, but your Dah has to do the heavy lifting. Rugsweeping will not work (as the PP who didn’t bring it up to her husband after the affair found out). Go to survivinginfidelity.com.

I couldn’t relate to “Surviving infidelity” as it gets a lot more baby daddy, trailer park types writing in. I second “Betrayed Wives Club”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry you are going through all this. I've been there and the pain and confusion can be overwhelming. Make sure you know the full extent of the affair and if your husband is truly remorseful and committed to you before you make any decisions. I did not want to blow up my children's lives and was planning on trying to make the marriage work. Then I found out my husband lied about how serious the extra-martial relationship really was and I had a nagging feeling he was never truly sorry about it, just that he got caught. We're divorced now which presents a new set of challenges, but I knew that I could never trust or respect him again and had to get out.

+1. Their was initial “remorse” but it was only because he got caught. I kept uncovering more lies and realizing I was never going to trust him again. We are divorced as well and I feel so much relief. So sorry OP but it will get better, just depends how much you can tolerate.

I got to the OW before she knew I knew. She spilled details that matched spouse’s almost exactly. He did drop her like a hot potato and the details of the affair were nearly identical so I avoided “trickle truth” or later surprises. You can’t trust the OW to give you truth—but if you blindside them and they don’t see you coming- they will talk. Some counselors even do lie detector during full disclosure.

[Anonymous]

This scenario happened to me almost exactly 2 years ago. Coworker affair for 1.5 years. We have 2 young kids. I went ballistic. We are divorced, and usually amicable now.

My advice - skip the useless couples therapy... skip having his passwords and ruining your mental health "monitoring" his phone... wondering what he's doing at work... where is he... why is he late... is that really a "work trip"... who is he calling... texting... eating lunch with. Am I pretty enough, sexy enough, exciting enough, loveable enough. You'll f-ing die inside.

Lawyer up, and then load him in the car and drop him off at HER house. He wanted this, he can have it.

You're worth more than this. NO I really dont think the sting of betrayal goes away. He tainted your marriage. It will never be the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I found out DH ever cheated it would over. I’d never trust him again. Why stay? I’m not a doormat.

That’s like saying you would never ever bottle feed before you have a baby or that you would never give your kid a cell phone in middle school when you are not a parent.

We all say that for chrissakes. Do you know anybody that says “hey, if my spouse cheats I’m staying!!”.

I’ve seen people swear up and down at the start of a marriage, but 20-years into a good marriage and three kids in the house and thinking of putting them first...you might be surprised how different you feel. It’s indescribable.

NP. When my DH and I talked about cheating while we were dating I was non-committal -- I didn't know what I'd do. I knew for sure if I was every physically abused I'd be gone. But cheating on me? It had never happened to me at that point. So I gave it a big I don't know.

As far as I know, DH has never cheated on me. But still. If he did I'm not sure what I'd do. I have really no idea what it would feel like or how I'd react. I'm not sure it is a deal breaker. But who knows.

[Anonymous]

OP- was this co-worker married too? Or is she single?

If she’s married, does her husband know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH had a full blown affair with a co-worker. Expensive dinners, hotel stays, real feelings involved etc. I know everyone says this but I never thought I would find myself here. I have lost 10 pounds the past month from not eating, generally feel anxious and nauseous most of the day, and have a constant play of images of them together in my mind. We have 2 elementary age children and DH says that he is willing to go to counseling and wants to work on the marriage and has cut contact with the affair partner and given me access to all his passwords, phone, etc. I just don't know how I will ever get over this and wonder whether he is actually in love with this woman but feels compelled to stay and work on the marriage for the sake of the children. How do you decide whether to stay or go?

I've been through this - also a long-term affair that produced a child.

First, I'm really sorry you're going through this. It is very hurtful and I send you my hugs.

My view is that you're rushing this, and rushing yourself into a decision. Although this is perfectly understandable. Processing a long-term affair is a long-term process and you must allow it to unfold as it will. There will be tears and sleepless nights, and mad fluctuation between love and disgust and murderous instincts.

Here is my advice to you:

Do not speak to him unless necessary for logistics and childcare. Do not have any long heartfelt tearful conversations. Do not ask if he loves you, if he loves her, if this or that, that's all nonsense. Just stop. Retreat into your room. Withdraw completely, and stay withdrawn for as long as you need. You will know when you're ready to emerge.

Whether you can live through this will depend on whether your husband commits himself to righting the marriage. (Also, do not start down the path of "what did I do wrong?" Nothing. He damaged the marriage, it's on him to right it.) Now the critical part is that he MUST think you are ready to walk. It's OK if you are not, but it is critical that he believes it. Do not under any circumstances tell him "I can get over it if you XYZ". If he asks you, say you don't know. You're not ready. You're not sure. Then, wait and see.

It took us about a year, I'd say. I don't believe in therapy so we didn't do it. I think we have a strong marriage, a more realistic one. We both understand how critical this marriage is for everything we want to achieve, and we're much more protective of it than before.

Good luck to you, my dear. It's not easy. But it's not the end of the world.

[Anonymous]

Go to https://www.survivinginfidelity.com

This site helped me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:mine cheated. it hurt a lot at first but we talked through it. i understand why it appeals to him (his mother abandoned him at age 2 and he has a fear of abandonment and doesnt believe he's actually lovable). i listened, really listened, and i totally forgave him. i don't even mind anymore. it forced us to have some really deep and painful conversations and it brought us closer than i could have ever imagined.

I genuinely admire you. Being able to let go of pain and resentment is a real testament to your strength and courage and capacity for actual joy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry you are going through all this. I've been there and the pain and confusion can be overwhelming. Make sure you know the full extent of the affair and if your husband is truly remorseful and committed to you before you make any decisions. I did not want to blow up my children's lives and was planning on trying to make the marriage work. Then I found out my husband lied about how serious the extra-martial relationship really was and I had a nagging feeling he was never truly sorry about it, just that he got caught. We're divorced now which presents a new set of challenges, but I knew that I could never trust or respect him again and had to get out.

+1. Their was initial “remorse” but it was only because he got caught. I kept uncovering more lies and realizing I was never going to trust him again. We are divorced as well and I feel so much relief. So sorry OP but it will get better, just depends how much you can tolerate.

I got to the OW before she knew I knew. She spilled details that matched spouse’s almost exactly. He did drop her like a hot potato and the details of the affair were nearly identical so I avoided “trickle truth” or later surprises. You can’t trust the OW to give you truth—but if you blindside them and they don’t see you coming- they will talk. Some counselors even do lie detector during full disclosure.

This is psychotic.

[Anonymous]

^agree to the convincing you are ready to walk.

My spouse 100% believed I was divorcing him and he was terrified and almost suicidal.

Even 7 months out, he mentioned to therapist he’s not sure I will take him back. He’s been working his @ss off to do anything and everything. And not expecting anything from me for it. He threw himself into individual therapy does all of the cooking and cleaning and laundry and carpooling and is doing everything to keep my plate clean because of how hurt and distraught I was and he feels guilty as hell for that.

Truth is, I really love him and we have a great marriage, sex life, kids and family. I can’t imagine divorcing- but he doesn’t know that. They need to hit rock bottom and face the consequences of what they did...so that it can never happen again.

If you forgive, rug sweep soon- they will take it as a “free pass”. And, if it ever happened again...you can definitely walk immediately. 1 strike rule, no second chances. But be tough now. It’s unacceptable what he did. You never have to forgive it even if you reconcile. I will never forgive the actions.

[Anonymous]

1) do the 180
2) kick him out, you both need space to process
3) no figuring out the marriage or emotions until vasectomy and post nuptial
4) don’t work harder at repairing the marriage than him. He broke it, he can fix it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) do the 180
2) kick him out, you both need space to process
3) no figuring out the marriage or emotions until vasectomy and post nuptial
4) don’t work harder at repairing the marriage than him. He broke it, he can fix it.

Forgot to add—whatever the outcome stay married or divorce, you will be okay. You will survive this. Unfortunately, the only way to the other side is through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH had a full blown affair with a co-worker. Expensive dinners, hotel stays, real feelings involved etc. I know everyone says this but I never thought I would find myself here. I have lost 10 pounds the past month from not eating, generally feel anxious and nauseous most of the day, and have a constant play of images of them together in my mind. We have 2 elementary age children and DH says that he is willing to go to counseling and wants to work on the marriage and has cut contact with the affair partner and given me access to all his passwords, phone, etc. I just don't know how I will ever get over this and wonder whether he is actually in love with this woman but feels compelled to stay and work on the marriage for the sake of the children. How do you decide whether to stay or go?

I've been through this - also a long-term affair that produced a child.

First, I'm really sorry you're going through this. It is very hurtful and I send you my hugs.

My view is that you're rushing this, and rushing yourself into a decision. Although this is perfectly understandable. Processing a long-term affair is a long-term process and you must allow it to unfold as it will. There will be tears and sleepless nights, and mad fluctuation between love and disgust and murderous instincts.

Here is my advice to you:

Do not speak to him unless necessary for logistics and childcare. Do not have any long heartfelt tearful conversations. Do not ask if he loves you, if he loves her, if this or that, that's all nonsense. Just stop. Retreat into your room. Withdraw completely, and stay withdrawn for as long as you need. You will know when you're ready to emerge.

Whether you can live through this will depend on whether your husband commits himself to righting the marriage. (Also, do not start down the path of "what did I do wrong?" Nothing. He damaged the marriage, it's on him to right it.) Now the critical part is that he MUST think you are ready to walk. It's OK if you are not, but it is critical that he believes it. Do not under any circumstances tell him "I can get over it if you XYZ". If he asks you, say you don't know. You're not ready. You're not sure. Then, wait and see.

It took us about a year, I'd say. I don't believe in therapy so we didn't do it. I think we have a strong marriage, a more realistic one. We both understand how critical this marriage is for everything we want to achieve, and we're much more protective of it than before.

Good luck to you, my dear. It's not easy. But it's not the end of the world.

what happened to the child?

[Anonymous]

Not trying to derail the thread, but to the PP's saying to kick him out, that's not always an option. When I found out about the affair, I asked my cheater ex-husband to move out to give me some space to think and he refused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I decided to stay. The thing is this from my experience. It's one thing for a man to cheat and have sex and a little fun and then try to work through it, but it's an entire different ball of wax when there are feelings involved. He said that he cut contact w/her, but I always wondered. Even having access to passwords, etc. is still an icky feeling because who wants to feel like that have to constantly check-in on what their spouse is doing? I stopped bringing up his affair once we decided to move past it and try to heal the marriage, but it was always there in the back of my mind. I had constant triggers. Places that we had never gone to, but they did and then he wanted me to go too. The mind movies are unreal. But again, I tried to push forward. Then out of the blue, he left to be with her again after two years of us reconciling. It was devastating in the beginning, but what a relief to not have to worry about him and her and them. I would never take a cheater back again. It was far too mentally draining for me.

Thank you for this brave, honest answer. I am so very sorry that you went through what you did with that guy. I'm terrified of this scenario happening as well.

Agree with PP. Leave before you get hit with D-Day #2. Or 3. Don’t waste another year of your happiness and well-being on this guy.

—BTDT, should’ve walked out the first time