Sister and her constant health “issues”

[Anonymous]

OP, you are gaslighting. That's emotional abuse. Please dont do it to your sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom spent my entire life mocking her older sister for ill-defined health issues dating back to childhood. Then, my youngest was born with all of the same health issues and our doctor wanted to get a full family health history and genetic tests. Turned out my aunt had a disorder not normally associated with our social race, but because we are mixed race, she inherited it. My mom had one copy and passed it to me who passed it to DD who got a second copy from her dad. For fifty years, my aunt was undiagnosed because of racism and then reviled within her own family as shirking school/work and being melodramatic. 50 years. I cry every time I think of my DD in the same position. The only difference between them was the year they were born. Both are doing well now with medication and monitoring. My mom has never apologized to her sister.

Sickle cell anemia?

I’m genuinely curious what the condition could be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I realize I have made myself sound like an awful person. Perhaps I do hold some resentment towards her drama queen behavior that is making it hard for me to be sympathetic. Our relationship has always been one-sided with me constantly trying to talk her down, reassure and help her navigate life. I do need to push those feelings aside and be more supportive. Leave it do DCUM to hold people accountable.

-OP

How old is your sister? And you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two things can be true: your sister had unremitting mysterious pain AND your sister has dramatic / high maintenance tendencies. Did you sister have these tendencies earlier/in other aspects of life or only with regard to this problem?

I agree with PP that you should try to be supportive w/o feeding the drama, starting with "I am so happy for you that you found an explanation. How can I help you get through the surgery?"

I agree with this. Just because the pain is real doesn't mean that everything else stops for everyone else. I say this as someone who lives in constant pain because of a car accident when I was a child. I have no right to disrupt others' lives with my complaints just because I hurt. Unfortunately it doesn't sound like OP's sister got that message. I see both sides of this and I don't think that OP is out of line in her wanting the sister to get a better handle on her emotions and to reel back the drama.

You don’t understand because people believed you since you had a car accident.

Not really. People who know me today know nothing about the accident because I haven't told them. I also don't tell them about the pain. My point is that some people wear their emotions on their skin and they feel that everyone has to know what they're feeling come hell or high water. And that isn't so. OP's sister has done as much damage to herself emotionally and her relationships with others by her actions as probably the health problem has done to her body.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I realize I have made myself sound like an awful person. Perhaps I do hold some resentment towards her drama queen behavior that is making it hard for me to be sympathetic. Our relationship has always been one-sided with me constantly trying to talk her down, reassure and help her navigate life. I do need to push those feelings aside and be more supportive. Leave it do DCUM to hold people accountable.

-OP

How old is your sister? And you?

Maybe her behavior is not as drama queen as you remember it, when seen in the light of her real and serious medical issue. It must be so awful and frightening to suffer facial paralysis and not be believed by your own family. If she got upset now and then it's completely understandable.

[Anonymous]

I can tell you a lot of people I know who turned out to be quite ill started out going doctor to doctor with everyone making them feel melodramatic and lots of reassurance all was well. My cousin who died of cancer had this happen for years. By the time she was diagnosed she was late stage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I can tell you a lot of people I know who turned out to be quite ill started out going doctor to doctor with everyone making them feel melodramatic and lots of reassurance all was well. My cousin who died of cancer had this happen for years. By the time she was diagnosed she was late stage.

This happened to my friend. She saw multiple doctors, who after finding no diagnosis, each suggested she might have a relapse of her previous cancer years ago, BUT the oncologist pooh-poohed that for more than a year. It's only when she became disabled by her symptoms that the oncologists admitted the cancer had come back.
She pulled through, seemingly. But I'm very much afraid that this delay allowed some cells to hide somewhere and that it will lead to yet another relapse in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two things can be true: your sister had unremitting mysterious pain AND your sister has dramatic / high maintenance tendencies. Did you sister have these tendencies earlier/in other aspects of life or only with regard to this problem?

I agree with PP that you should try to be supportive w/o feeding the drama, starting with "I am so happy for you that you found an explanation. How can I help you get through the surgery?"

I agree with this. Just because the pain is real doesn't mean that everything else stops for everyone else. I say this as someone who lives in constant pain because of a car accident when I was a child. I have no right to disrupt others' lives with my complaints just because I hurt. Unfortunately it doesn't sound like OP's sister got that message. I see both sides of this and I don't think that OP is out of line in her wanting the sister to get a better handle on her emotions and to reel back the drama.

You don’t understand because people believed you since you had a car accident.

Not really. People who know me today know nothing about the accident because I haven't told them. I also don't tell them about the pain. My point is that some people wear their emotions on their skin and they feel that everyone has to know what they're feeling come hell or high water. And that isn't so. OP's sister has done as much damage to herself emotionally and her relationships with others by her actions as probably the health problem has done to her body.

You have no way of knowing this. People can't help having the personality they have anyway. But what you CAN tell from this thread is that OP has no empathy or sympathy whatsoever, so instead of criticizing a woman you don't know, why don't you condemn OP, who has shown you who she is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I realize I have made myself sound like an awful person. Perhaps I do hold some resentment towards her drama queen behavior that is making it hard for me to be sympathetic. Our relationship has always been one-sided with me constantly trying to talk her down, reassure and help her navigate life. I do need to push those feelings aside and be more supportive. Leave it do DCUM to hold people accountable.

-OP

I’m just speechless that you believe she opinion shopped until someone gave her a diagnosis. It isn’t like she got a diagnosis and a prescription. They told her to have neurosurgery as multiple pp’s said. You probably weren’t listening to her when she told you the risks but I’m sure they told her there are plenty associated with her surgery - like maybe paralysis. I doubt a doctor would do this type of surgery unless it was absolutely needed, especially now since most hospitals are only doing life saving surgeries (at least where I live). I sure hope that your sister has at least one of your parents bc you are a poor substitute and that she has good friends who can help her after the surgery. You should leave her alone since you have zero sympathy for what she is going through. Have you needed her? Maybe you have a family op and could have used her help when your kids were young. Are you resentful that she was in college and wasn’t available to babysit like a good sister? You seem to have a big problem with her. Maybe you need therapy to find out why you don’t have an empathy chip. Or is it missing only with her?

[Anonymous]

OP, I think this is what you meant to write:
"My much younger sister has had a host of health problems, so many that I stopped paying much attention to the texts and phone calls. I'm ashamed to say I even tried to convince her she was overreacting. Well apparently she has a syrinx in her spinal cord that has caused significant damage. I feel awful that I lectured her so much, and dismissed so many of her concerns. I am really concerned about her. How can I make amends and let her know I am sorry for belittling her very real medical issues for so many years?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I realize I have made myself sound like an awful person. Perhaps I do hold some resentment towards her drama queen behavior that is making it hard for me to be sympathetic. Our relationship has always been one-sided with me constantly trying to talk her down, reassure and help her navigate life. I do need to push those feelings aside and be more supportive. Leave it do DCUM to hold people accountable.

-OP

How old is your sister? And you?

OP is 44, sister is 30.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are gaslighting. That's emotional abuse. Please dont do it to your sister.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two things can be true: your sister had unremitting mysterious pain AND your sister has dramatic / high maintenance tendencies. Did you sister have these tendencies earlier/in other aspects of life or only with regard to this problem?

I agree with PP that you should try to be supportive w/o feeding the drama, starting with "I am so happy for you that you found an explanation. How can I help you get through the surgery?"

I agree with this. Just because the pain is real doesn't mean that everything else stops for everyone else. I say this as someone who lives in constant pain because of a car accident when I was a child. I have no right to disrupt others' lives with my complaints just because I hurt. Unfortunately it doesn't sound like OP's sister got that message. I see both sides of this and I don't think that OP is out of line in her wanting the sister to get a better handle on her emotions and to reel back the drama.

You don’t understand because people believed you since you had a car accident.

Not really. People who know me today know nothing about the accident because I haven't told them. I also don't tell them about the pain. My point is that some people wear their emotions on their skin and they feel that everyone has to know what they're feeling come hell or high water. And that isn't so. OP's sister has done as much damage to herself emotionally and her relationships with others by her actions as probably the health problem has done to her body.

If you don’t tell people about your pain, that’s on you. You sound damaged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I am really concerned about her but at the same time I know she’s going to turn this into an attention grab

How do you know that she is reaching out to you because she wants attention? Maybe she's afraid or lonely and needs support, someone to talk to or reassurance. Maybe she has anxiety. Migraines and constant neck pain can be intensely painful at their worst.

What your sister has right now could be caused by meningitis or a tumor, among other things. Hopefully it isn't. If she is upset and needs a lot of support, that is completely understandable.

Please be kind to your sister.

THIS. I don’t have a sister. It seems I am not missing out on any support or help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two things can be true: your sister had unremitting mysterious pain AND your sister has dramatic / high maintenance tendencies. Did you sister have these tendencies earlier/in other aspects of life or only with regard to this problem?

I agree with PP that you should try to be supportive w/o feeding the drama, starting with "I am so happy for you that you found an explanation. How can I help you get through the surgery?"

I agree with this. Just because the pain is real doesn't mean that everything else stops for everyone else. I say this as someone who lives in constant pain because of a car accident when I was a child. I have no right to disrupt others' lives with my complaints just because I hurt. Unfortunately it doesn't sound like OP's sister got that message. I see both sides of this and I don't think that OP is out of line in her wanting the sister to get a better handle on her emotions and to reel back the drama.

You don’t understand because people believed you since you had a car accident.

Not really. People who know me today know nothing about the accident because I haven't told them. I also don't tell them about the pain. My point is that some people wear their emotions on their skin and they feel that everyone has to know what they're feeling come hell or high water. And that isn't so. OP's sister has done as much damage to herself emotionally and her relationships with others by her actions as probably the health problem has done to her body.

You have no way of knowing this. People can't help having the personality they have anyway. But what you CAN tell from this thread is that OP has no empathy or sympathy whatsoever, so instead of criticizing a woman you don't know, why don't you condemn OP, who has shown you who she is?

Uh, people most certainly CAN control their personality. One person didn't just suddenly wake up one morning and have a sunny personality while another is the complainer. These are patterns of behavior that have developed over years of acts. OP's sister has chosen to act the way she has and that has greatly contributed to the poor way people perceive her. She needs to own it and if she wants to change it then she needs to take the steps to do it. She isn't a feather in the wind and she needs to stop believing/acting like she is. She now has a diagnosis. She needs to own it and take charge to act on it to resolve her physical health issue.

And I'm not going to condemn OP because I understand her position. She has reacted the way most people probably have around OP's sister.