Sister and her constant health “issues”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can certainly see how OP could be in the wrong here.

I can also totally see how OP might have a nightmare of a sister, who also happens to have legitimate health concerns. Doesn't mean she won't still be nightmare even if the surgery is successful.

I don't like the piling on when we don't have enough info to actually judge things.

Thanks OP for your input.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I realize I have made myself sound like an awful person. Perhaps I do hold some resentment towards her drama queen behavior that is making it hard for me to be sympathetic. Our relationship has always been one-sided with me constantly trying to talk her down, reassure and help her navigate life. I do need to push those feelings aside and be more supportive. Leave it do DCUM to hold people accountable.

-OP

You're her BIG sister. As someone with major age gaps between my siblings (up to 18 years) I am always constantly reassuring and helping my younger (and older) siblings navigate life. That is part of what it means to be a sibling. If you can't negotiate that then you have no business being in her life. She is SICK - she's been dealing with this chronic pain for what sounds like years and you are still trying to dismiss that? No. That's just messed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two things can be true: your sister had unremitting mysterious pain AND your sister has dramatic / high maintenance tendencies. Did you sister have these tendencies earlier/in other aspects of life or only with regard to this problem?

I agree with PP that you should try to be supportive w/o feeding the drama, starting with "I am so happy for you that you found an explanation. How can I help you get through the surgery?"

I agree with this. Just because the pain is real doesn't mean that everything else stops for everyone else. I say this as someone who lives in constant pain because of a car accident when I was a child. I have no right to disrupt others' lives with my complaints just because I hurt. Unfortunately it doesn't sound like OP's sister got that message. I see both sides of this and I don't think that OP is out of line in her wanting the sister to get a better handle on her emotions and to reel back the drama.

You don’t understand because people believed you since you had a car accident.

Not really. People who know me today know nothing about the accident because I haven't told them. I also don't tell them about the pain. My point is that some people wear their emotions on their skin and they feel that everyone has to know what they're feeling come hell or high water. And that isn't so. OP's sister has done as much damage to herself emotionally and her relationships with others by her actions as probably the health problem has done to her body.

You have no way of knowing this. People can't help having the personality they have anyway. But what you CAN tell from this thread is that OP has no empathy or sympathy whatsoever, so instead of criticizing a woman you don't know, why don't you condemn OP, who has shown you who she is?

Uh, people most certainly CAN control their personality. One person didn't just suddenly wake up one morning and have a sunny personality while another is the complainer. These are patterns of behavior that have developed over years of acts. OP's sister has chosen to act the way she has and that has greatly contributed to the poor way people perceive her. She needs to own it and if she wants to change it then she needs to take the steps to do it. She isn't a feather in the wind and she needs to stop believing/acting like she is. She now has a diagnosis. She needs to own it and take charge to act on it to resolve her physical health issue.

And I'm not going to condemn OP because I understand her position. She has reacted the way most people probably have around OP's sister.

No. You tell yourself that most people would react this way because you want to excuse your own awful behavior, but you are wrong. You excuse OP because you are like OP. Both of you are awful.

We had a family member with a history like this. We never questioned or invalidated the family member the way you and OP defend. Years later, it turns out that my family member has a condition so rare that academics write papers about her. I am so glad we didn't gaslight and emotionally abuse our family member! Both of you are terrible people.

Well bless your heart. Coming from you that's a compliment!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, you're an asshole. I read your second sentence and immediately thought, "Pinched nerve? Something pressing on spine?"

She wants attention because nobody has cared about her, you idiot. You're the worst sister ever. She SHOULD be getting lots of attention and fussed over - she has something wrong with her spine and needs surgery. She's scared as hell and in tons of pain.

Agree. Basically she’s been dealing with health issues and you’ve been totally unsympathetic and dismissive. And your focus is now not on her now that she has a diagnosis but rather on preventing her from grabbing attention. You’re a jerk. And a terrible sister.

[Anonymous]

Why is "issues" in quotes? Your sister has a legitimate health issue.

[Anonymous]

What kind of responses were you anticipating when you posted this? Did you except some kind of validation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister is somewhat like this, too. There's always some sort of drama or crisis. It makes it challenging to know when it's a real emergency or pressing situation, or her attention seeking dramatics.

Over the years I've learned to acknowledge, but not give advice, and draw boundaries when she constantly complains - by limiting my responses to a few words.

Might it be anxiety that is not necessarily be about seeking attention from you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Invisible pain - pain that is constant and unremitting - wears you down. Your sister probably just needed the validation of someone she loves and thought would be supportive. Did she ask you to drop all and come to these ER visits? Did she expect you to pay her rent? Nerve pain - especially when it’s just there and your quality of life just slowly degrades makes it hard to see any bright side in your day.

You can’t take back the coldness you’ve shown but perhaps you could check in without being asked and think of how you can add a little joy and connection to her life.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, your sister is literally going to have brain surgery and you’re calling her a drama queen for going to the doctor???!!??

Really????

I don’t know where to begin.

Did you always lack empathy? Did you always not have a moral compass or is this new?

[Anonymous]

It wasn't attention seeking. She had a medical condition which led to a serious diagnosis which may require surgery to fix. Her symptoms would have been awful.

You sound like you don't want to be overly bothered by her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, you're an asshole. I read your second sentence and immediately thought, "Pinched nerve? Something pressing on spine?"

She wants attention because nobody has cared about her, you idiot. You're the worst sister ever. She SHOULD be getting lots of attention and fussed over - she has something wrong with her spine and needs surgery. She's scared as hell and in tons of pain.

Agree. Basically she’s been dealing with health issues and you’ve been totally unsympathetic and dismissive. And your focus is now not on her now that she has a diagnosis but rather on preventing her from grabbing attention. You’re a jerk. And a terrible sister.

X1000

The normal reaction is - DAMN I've been a real B to my sister. I'm going to apologize for not listening and being a B.

NOT how do I further make her feel unheard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can certainly see how OP could be in the wrong here.

I can also totally see how OP might have a nightmare of a sister, who also happens to have legitimate health concerns. Doesn't mean she won't still be nightmare even if the surgery is successful.

I don't like the piling on when we don't have enough info to actually judge things.

Yes, agreed. But there is a lot of emotional investment in the thread, for whatever reason, and regardless of whether justified.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have family like you who just dismissed my endometriosis pain. I "tolerate" my in-laws, but I don't feel anything for them. They are all the drama queens who can't even handle something as basic as a UTI or the flu. OP, you need to get your ish together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can certainly see how OP could be in the wrong here.

I can also totally see how OP might have a nightmare of a sister, who also happens to have legitimate health concerns. Doesn't mean she won't still be nightmare even if the surgery is successful.

I don't like the piling on when we don't have enough info to actually judge things.

Yes, agreed. But there is a lot of emotional investment in the thread, for whatever reason, and regardless of whether justified.

It's called **ableism**.

[Anonymous]

NP and haven’t read all of the responses but man - the fact that OP puts the word “issues” in quotes when her sister has a very real and serious illness. So cold.