16-year-old told me he had sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At 16, my DS is studying for SAT. Where are these kids having secx and with whom? Its pandemic everywhere.

Omg I know! At 16 I had only just kissed a boy. Most of the close friends I made in college were still virgins their first year (I’m 35). Teen sex is actually at an all time low. This is not normal or healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is what I told my son:

1. Always use a condom. Even if she says you don't have to. Even if you can't feel everything as much (you'd sure feel the STD you catch, or the baby spit up or worse at 4am). Even if she says she's on birth control (people lie, bc fails sometimes)
2. If you're having sex with someone you're in a relationship with, offer to split the cost of birth control - it's both your responsibility, not just hers
3. Just because you have sex once (or ten times) with someone doesn't mean you have to have sex with them again if you don't want to
4. Just because you have sex in one relationship or with one person doesn't mean you have to have sex with everyone else after them
5. Even though you're a boy you can say no too.
6. If a girl ever says no or stop or seems like she wants to say those things but can't, stop. Err on the side of caution.
7. Do NOT film it
8. Have sex with people who are sober. If you're not sure, don't risk it.
9. If you are worried something is wrong, see a doctor.. Ask me. Ask your dad. We will send you to a doctor, or go with you if you want.
10. Planned Parenthood sees men also.
11. Doctors and nurses have seen EVERYTHING. No matter what you could have possibly done or shoved anywhere, nothing will phase them. Be honest. I swear they will not laugh.
12. If you're about to have sex with someone and something doesn't look right, don't do it.

+1
This is great advice

Agreed. I would also add a few things:

- as the male in the relationship, be aware that if your partner gets pregnant you have literally no control of what happens. She gets to decide whether or not to have an abortion, give the baby up for adoption, or keep it. If she chooses the third option, you are on the hook financially for the next 18+ years.

- Once a relationship becomes sexual, it becomes more difficult to end it. Do not stay in a relationship simply because you have had sex if it isn't a good relationship for you.

Yes! These are the reasons 16 year olds should not be having sex. They are still kids. It’s just too much emotionally for them to handle. They should be focused on school and sports and college or their future and having fun. Sex is fun but it’s also heavy and complicated.

[Anonymous]

I really have my own hang ups with sex. I guess thats what 13 years of Catholic schools does. My friends and I were all having sex with kids from the boys school (both always mentioned on here) and we weren't even in the party crowd. SOmehow I think I've failed as a parent if my kid is having sex at 16 yet I did it....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is what I told my son:

1. Always use a condom. Even if she says you don't have to. Even if you can't feel everything as much (you'd sure feel the STD you catch, or the baby spit up or worse at 4am). Even if she says she's on birth control (people lie, bc fails sometimes)
2. If you're having sex with someone you're in a relationship with, offer to split the cost of birth control - it's both your responsibility, not just hers
3. Just because you have sex once (or ten times) with someone doesn't mean you have to have sex with them again if you don't want to
4. Just because you have sex in one relationship or with one person doesn't mean you have to have sex with everyone else after them
5. Even though you're a boy you can say no too.
6. If a girl ever says no or stop or seems like she wants to say those things but can't, stop. Err on the side of caution.
7. Do NOT film it
8. Have sex with people who are sober. If you're not sure, don't risk it.
9. If you are worried something is wrong, see a doctor.. Ask me. Ask your dad. We will send you to a doctor, or go with you if you want.
10. Planned Parenthood sees men also.
11. Doctors and nurses have seen EVERYTHING. No matter what you could have possibly done or shoved anywhere, nothing will phase them. Be honest. I swear they will not laugh.
12. If you're about to have sex with someone and something doesn't look right, don't do it.

+1
This is great advice

Agreed. I would also add a few things:

- as the male in the relationship, be aware that if your partner gets pregnant you have literally no control of what happens. She gets to decide whether or not to have an abortion, give the baby up for adoption, or keep it. If she chooses the third option, you are on the hook financially for the next 18+ years.

- Once a relationship becomes sexual, it becomes more difficult to end it. Do not stay in a relationship simply because you have had sex if it isn't a good relationship for you.

Yes! These are the reasons 16 year olds should not be having sex. They are still kids. It’s just too much emotionally for them to handle. They should be focused on school and sports and college or their future and having fun. Sex is fun but it’s also heavy and complicated.

I'm the person who wrote out the 12 point list. My son went to college at 16. He had his first girlfriend in his senior year of high school. He was focused on school, music, college, and having fun. Part of having fun was dating and going into the city and exploring his independence. Different kids are at different maturity levels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's wonderful, that he told you. Good job mom/dad! Nothing really to do except make sure he has access to condoms and fully understands the implications and meaning of unprotected sex and non-consentual sex.

THIS THIS THIS!

Again, This!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At 16, my DS is studying for SAT. Where are these kids having secx and with whom? Its pandemic everywhere.

Omg I know! At 16 I had only just kissed a boy. Most of the close friends I made in college were still virgins their first year (I’m 35). Teen sex is actually at an all time low. This is not normal or healthy.

I’m 43. When I went to college, I was the only virgin amongst my group of friends. High school sex was the norm back in the 90s. I understand now that most teens aren’t having sex, but OP’s son is still very much within the norm historically and developmentally speaking. There is a range.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to say I am shocked by the liberal views here but I guess I’m not. I waited until I was 20, by choice, because I knew no matter how much planning you do, things could go wrong, so I wanted to wait until I felt like I was reasonably capable of handling an unplanned pregnancy, STD, etc. I was also the type that researched the crap out of drugs like marijuana before choosing to partake. I want to have similar conversations with my children about the value of timing and ability to handle unintended consequences. So personally I’d be disappointed if my 16 year old made that choice and would let them know that.

They will do what their friends do. This is why I send my kids to single gender schools. Less opportunity.

They can still get into trouble, but I'm more likely to see it coming.

I think you can instill values in your child that allow them to make choices different than their friends. I get it’s not the norm but it is possible to teach values around understanding pros and cons and making conscious choices to delay gratification and make choices different than those around you because the risks would significantly alter their ability to achieve certain goals. I’m not saying it is a perfect choice but it worked for me and I will take a similar path with my child.

Yes, but you can instill those values and your child might still make his/her own choices that do not align with yours. It is folly not to acknowledge that. You seem to be equating PPs' reaction of "it is what it is" with a lack of instruction in values, but it may also be the voice of experienced parents saying: sometimes your teen does things he KNOWS you disapprove of and there's not a lot you can do about it. You teach your children to make their own choices and not be led by the crowd? that's great (I'm trying to do that myself), but you have to recognize that a kid who thinks for himself might not follow *your* lead either.

This. I was goody-two shoes. Met husband young great relationship all around and have only had sex with him.
My kids will choose a path. I hope I can instill in them much mentioned here so they are prepared when they face these decisions- but again their path, not mine..... though I do hope they take my lead......
Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I'm going to make a suggestion to every parent of a teen, boy or girl but especially boy, to read Peggy Orenstein's Book "Boys and Sex." She is a feminist social critic/writer who has done some great work on girls and young women in the last 20 years. In her latest book interviews a large number of boys about their sexuality/relationships/decision-making etc. It is SO important to think about boys developing a healthy sense of their own sexuality if they are going to be good partners to other people. This is way more important than whether their first time is at 16, 18, or 25.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to say I am shocked by the liberal views here but I guess I’m not. I waited until I was 20, by choice, because I knew no matter how much planning you do, things could go wrong, so I wanted to wait until I felt like I was reasonably capable of handling an unplanned pregnancy, STD, etc. I was also the type that researched the crap out of drugs like marijuana before choosing to partake. I want to have similar conversations with my children about the value of timing and ability to handle unintended consequences. So personally I’d be disappointed if my 16 year old made that choice and would let them know that.

They will do what their friends do. This is why I send my kids to single gender schools. Less opportunity.

They can still get into trouble, but I'm more likely to see it coming.

Lol. I went to s single gender school. Classmates were wild

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to say I am shocked by the liberal views here but I guess I’m not. I waited until I was 20, by choice, because I knew no matter how much planning you do, things could go wrong, so I wanted to wait until I felt like I was reasonably capable of handling an unplanned pregnancy, STD, etc. I was also the type that researched the crap out of drugs like marijuana before choosing to partake. I want to have similar conversations with my children about the value of timing and ability to handle unintended consequences. So personally I’d be disappointed if my 16 year old made that choice and would let them know that.

They will do what their friends do. This is why I send my kids to single gender schools. Less opportunity.

They can still get into trouble, but I'm more likely to see it coming.

LOLLLL. My brother went to an all-boys school that is frequently mentioned on this site. Those guys were not at all chaste. They may have stayed away from girls during the school day, but they made up for it on nights and weekends. I went to H-B and it was practically Victorian by comparison.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At 16, my DS is studying for SAT. Where are these kids having secx and with whom? Its pandemic everywhere.

Omg I know! At 16 I had only just kissed a boy. Most of the close friends I made in college were still virgins their first year (I’m 35). Teen sex is actually at an all time low. This is not normal or healthy.

It is normal and healthy.

No reason to shame consensual, natural behavior. Teens have been having sex since the beging of time. You and your 'virgin' friends were outside the scope of norm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:totally normal.

Awesome parenting. He told you that is huge! Give him all the tools and he will be fine. Condoms, Condoms, Condoms, and talk to him about STD's. Make sure he understands how much it costs to take care of a child.

how can educated people still actually push condoms on kids. you understand it is basically a guaranteed pregnancy? must be a boomer.

Condoms also prevent STDs, you know.

Some but not all. You can’t prevent herpes and genital warts with condoms. Make sure your child knows this and it is a risk they are taking

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a hall linen closet where you typically store extra soap, shampoo, that type of thing? Have condoms. Easy to access. Out of the box. Lots of them so he doesn't think you're counting (and you don't really want to know if any are gone) Make sure the expiration date is good.

This. But I'd just put the condoms in his room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a hall linen closet where you typically store extra soap, shampoo, that type of thing? Have condoms. Easy to access. Out of the box. Lots of them so he doesn't think you're counting (and you don't really want to know if any are gone) Make sure the expiration date is good.

This. But I'd just put the condoms in his room.

I’m assuming he has a car and is driving around, hence how he is having sex. He should be buying his own condoms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to say I am shocked by the liberal views here but I guess I’m not. I waited until I was 20, by choice, because I knew no matter how much planning you do, things could go wrong, so I wanted to wait until I felt like I was reasonably capable of handling an unplanned pregnancy, STD, etc. I was also the type that researched the crap out of drugs like marijuana before choosing to partake. I want to have similar conversations with my children about the value of timing and ability to handle unintended consequences. So personally I’d be disappointed if my 16 year old made that choice and would let them know that.

They will do what their friends do. This is why I send my kids to single gender schools. Less opportunity.

They can still get into trouble, but I'm more likely to see it coming.

LOLLLL. My brother went to an all-boys school that is frequently mentioned on this site. Those guys were not at all chaste. They may have stayed away from girls during the school day, but they made up for it on nights and weekends. I went to H-B and it was practically Victorian by comparison.

My DH went to Catholic school in this area, including an all boy Catholic HS. He and his friends definitely were not chaste!