Is my step-DC entitled?

[Anonymous]

This all boils down to money...if you can’t figure out how to jointly manage money with someone, you have no business getting married and creating a blended family dynamic. The stepdaughter was there first, she doesn’t deserve to be treated poorly because her dad and newwife can’t figure their relationship out.

[Anonymous]

My Dh fixed his dad's truck when he was 16 and got nothing other than pneumonia for it. Except, of course, his dad could go to work, so DH had a roof over his head and food provided by parents. At 16, DH worked ina hardware store and worked on getting his electrician's license at a community college.

[Anonymous]

OP's stepdd sounds like a hard-working kid who hopes for a nice present from her parents. OP sounds like Cruella DeVille. You don't have to do anything for her op. But, if she ever helped with your kids, if she cleans the house or her room, if she helps you pick up your kids and allows you to run errands without taking them, you need to pause and say, "Hey, let me imagine her life." I went to school at this time, or DL, I went to work, I did this homework, etc.."
Try to be honest with yourself. Does she stay in her room when at home mostly, or does she roam around spending time with all of you? Staying in her room is normal at her age, but does she do it more than usual? This means she is not comfortable in her own house, which means she is avoiding some conflict. How is a teen in (if we assume you are not financially stricken), act not entitled, or like a teen from a poor Haiti family?
Kids are not subjected to the same standards of behavior as adults. As a stepmom, you should participate in the same rituals bio parents do. As she lives with you, you shouldn't count every bite she takes. Before her steps' birthdays, you should ask her if she wants to get them something and if she needs money for it. That is what I do for my bio kids.
You should explain that we make nice small gestures so that siblings feel loved. That is what normally dad will help out for mother's day, and mom for father's dad. If you follow these rituals and traditions, 17 kids are more or less attuned to these small gestures and will get a card on their own. My own kids got me a cake for a birthday, DH, overseas, and facilitated this by reminding them to do so.
It seems that this whole issue is bcs you have different standards for step and bio kids. You thinking of this as some imposition is a sign that you dislike her immensely. Imagine if you were living in a house where mom/stepmom disliked you? You would know it, and she knows it.
Introspection is required here, op, on your part. This is a way people alienate other people. This is the core that you do not see her as a human being akin to yourself and your kids. You are creating here into some inhuman version of a girl. This allowed you to apply different expectations of her. Instead of a human, she should prove her humanity to you? Why? So, if she does not, you can apply a different standard to your perception of her. She is subhuman; hence your criticism of her is for her own good, to improve her. You are, in your own eyes, the righteous one, trying to show her the errors of her ways. To make her less subhuman, everything is acceptable to you as you improve the human race by treating her differently.
It is an effed up dynamic, op. It is a dynamic employed to Other people you dislike. It is you vs. a 17-year-old girl. If you are harsh, it is for her own good, right? No, it is actually to keep you thinking you have the moral high ground, bcs you are doing her a favor.
This dynamic is transferred to a larger scale, we call it nationalism. The othering of people and groups of people. She is not your people, she is not as good as your people, she must be corrected in her ways, or dealt with. It is an insidious way your mind justifies treating her with more criticism than those that you love. Here is a simple thing to try. Open your heart to her, her faults and everything, and try to love her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is 17 year old supposed to buy you and her half or step siblings presents? Usuallyparents buy present for kids. If kids do buy something for a parent it is usually something small. If she has no money, how is she to do this?
She is expecting a present from her parent who is your spouse. As she should, not from you really. She does not sound entitled. She could be wanting a Range Rover. Plus, pony up? She is your family, do you dread ponying up for your won kids presents? How many presents do you receive from your own children?

+1. Her request sounds reasonable and this is a big birthday for her. Considering she can't go to a club to celebrate, a spa day with a couple of close friends is a nice way to spend her 18th bday. I bet you're holding her to a standard that you don't even hold your husband to. Do you buy gifts on his and/or the family's behalf for others? Probably. It's unfortunate that you don't see her as one of your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand. Why does it matter to you what her own dad spends on her from his own money? Tell him you will contribute $100 for lunch and let him pay for the spa treatment if he wants to. Done. IMO, all gifts to all kids should be from both of you, so why the hand-wringing over the present from “you and the kids”? It’s like you are trying to separate the family more than is necessary.

Reading between the lines it sounds like her DH expects her (the stepmom) to contribute significantly to this present. That’s a big part of why she’s annoyed.

The second part is a feeling of inequity towards her own children. She said that she was the only one who bought presents for her and DH’s 2 children. I would not be okay with having separate finances and my husband spending nothing on our shared children. Watching him spend lavishly on his firstborn would be like rubbing salt in the wound. However, AND this is a big caveat — this is a husband problem! Yes, it must be dealt with and you should talk about it — BUT it has NOTHING to do with your stepdaughter.

Your stepdaughter’s gift should come “from both of you” It doesn’t matter if you contribute $50 or $950 to fund her spa day. Both of you sign the same card and you give her ONE gift certificate from both of you. How you divide up who pays for it is private. And I agree with PP, you should offer what you’re comfortable with, and it’s on him to cover the rest — if he wants to.

+1 to this

Everyone is calling OP an evil stepmom but I don't think SHE should be expected to pay (what will likely be) $1,000 for a spa day for three teen girls (especially once gratuity is included). Its weird to me that your DH spent $600 on her gifts and party last year but didnt contribute to the gifts for your kids together (amount doesnt matter here, its him contributing zero that's weird). I'm sure there is more to this story that has caused this financial divide and tit-for-tat between you and your DH. It doesnt make you an evil stepmom but it does make you a non-forthcoming wife. The time you spent posting here could've been used to talk to your DH about the situation.

Older kids have more "big" gift requests, the spa day for an 18th birthday with two friends isn't crazy (although I will say I wouldn't have expected my mom to pony up for the whole gift, I would've liked her to have paid for me and talked to the other moms about paying their daughters' way as my gift so I could be with my friends… then again, we weren't rolling in money, far from it in fact).

[Anonymous]

I don't recall me or my siblings getting anything special for our 18th birthdays. My parents were too busy earning a living.

Agree the privilege here is beyond believable. Is this a troll post?

[Anonymous]

You sound like a stepmonster! What kind of entitled ADULT expects children to give them presents? Grow up.

[Anonymous]

What part of this is “entitled”? She asked for a gift (most kids ask for a gift, and don’t just leave their parents grasping at straws.) Her dad said okay. I don’t see any entitlement there. If you can’t give with a happy heart tell your husband he needs to cough up the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't recall me or my siblings getting anything special for our 18th birthdays. My parents were too busy earning a living.

Agree the privilege here is beyond believable. Is this a troll post?

Were your parents poor? My UMC parents gave me generous gifts every year 18-22. As did all my UMC peers’ parents. Agree that’s my privileged background, but I assume OP is UMC too, since this is DCUMland.

[Anonymous]

We were not poor at all. We had lovely home, 2 cars, and a 1 -week vacay at the beach or the ski slopes each year. Dad was management and mom was an office manager. My parents did not believe in spoiling children. I do the same with my own.

For my 18th my parents gave me a lovely birthday card with $25 tucked in it and a long personal *handwritten* message about how much I mean to them-- that is a treasure to me. The 25$ I got is long gone, but that card stays in my top drawer for years, to be read over and over. Dad is now gone, and mom is in her 80s. I couldn't give a crap what material item I bought with that money on my 18th birthday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What part of this is “entitled”? She asked for a gift (most kids ask for a gift, and don’t just leave their parents grasping at straws.) Her dad said okay. I don’t see any entitlement there. If you can’t give with a happy heart tell your husband he needs to cough up the money.

It’s entitled to expect your stepmom to contribute to a gift when the stepkid doesn’t do anything for her or her half siblings. I’m on team OP. Tell DH he can pony up 100% of the gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't recall me or my siblings getting anything special for our 18th birthdays. My parents were too busy earning a living.

Agree the privilege here is beyond believable. Is this a troll post?

Were your parents poor? My UMC parents gave me generous gifts every year 18-22. As did all my UMC peers’ parents. Agree that’s my privileged background, but I assume OP is UMC too, since this is DCUMland.

DP but my parents were middle class and never celebrated my birthdays in any significant way, milestone or otherwise. Strange that you assume that means we were poor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What part of this is “entitled”? She asked for a gift (most kids ask for a gift, and don’t just leave their parents grasping at straws.) Her dad said okay. I don’t see any entitlement there. If you can’t give with a happy heart tell your husband he needs to cough up the money.

It’s entitled to expect your stepmom to contribute to a gift when the stepkid doesn’t do anything for her or her half siblings. I’m on team OP. Tell DH he can pony up 100% of the gift.

No part of the OP indicates that the birthday girl is expecting this to come from her stepmom. Based on previous years, where OP says she's given a gift card and DH gave an extravagant present, it seems pretty obvious that the teenager is asking for this present expecting it to come from her dad. OP and her DH keep separate finances, but she's STILL upset that her stepdd might have a nice 18th birthday on her dad's dime. That's what makes her nuts (well, that, and bragging about not charging her rent like it's a huge gift).

And I worked full time from about 15 onwards, didn't get big presents, yada yada yada. Doesn't change that OP sounds like a real jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What part of this is “entitled”? She asked for a gift (most kids ask for a gift, and don’t just leave their parents grasping at straws.) Her dad said okay. I don’t see any entitlement there. If you can’t give with a happy heart tell your husband he needs to cough up the money.

It’s entitled to expect your stepmom to contribute to a gift when the stepkid doesn’t do anything for her or her half siblings. I’m on team OP. Tell DH he can pony up 100% of the gift.

No part of the OP indicates that the birthday girl is expecting this to come from her stepmom. Based on previous years, where OP says she's given a gift card and DH gave an extravagant present, it seems pretty obvious that the teenager is asking for this present expecting it to come from her dad. OP and her DH keep separate finances, but she's STILL upset that her stepdd might have a nice 18th birthday on her dad's dime. That's what makes her nuts (well, that, and bragging about not charging her rent like it's a huge gift).

And I worked full time from about 15 onwards, didn't get big presents, yada yada yada. Doesn't change that OP sounds like a real jerk.

Are we reading the same thread? OP said she’s expected to contribute to this gift. That’s unfair to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What part of this is “entitled”? She asked for a gift (most kids ask for a gift, and don’t just leave their parents grasping at straws.) Her dad said okay. I don’t see any entitlement there. If you can’t give with a happy heart tell your husband he needs to cough up the money.

It’s entitled to expect your stepmom to contribute to a gift when the stepkid doesn’t do anything for her or her half siblings. I’m on team OP. Tell DH he can pony up 100% of the gift.

No part of the OP indicates that the birthday girl is expecting this to come from her stepmom. Based on previous years, where OP says she's given a gift card and DH gave an extravagant present, it seems pretty obvious that the teenager is asking for this present expecting it to come from her dad. OP and her DH keep separate finances, but she's STILL upset that her stepdd might have a nice 18th birthday on her dad's dime. That's what makes her nuts (well, that, and bragging about not charging her rent like it's a huge gift).

And I worked full time from about 15 onwards, didn't get big presents, yada yada yada. Doesn't change that OP sounds like a real jerk.

Are we reading the same thread? OP said she’s expected to contribute to this gift. That’s unfair to her.

She said "I'm expected to pony up" in the OP, but when asked to clarify whether the gift is coming from her, her DH, or both, she said:

OP--gave her a $50.00 gift card last year to the clothing store she likes/shops at and a nice card. Last year my husband spent over $600 bucks on her Birthday gifts and a party. I ended up buying all the Birthday gifts for my kids on my own.

So her DH is the one who actually spends the big bucks on the present. But she doesn't want to kick in at all, because she doesn't like that it's a bigger present than her (presumably significantly younger) kids will get, which she for whatever reason doesn't ask their dad to help pay for. This is childish nonsense that goes back to bean counting. Add in the "all of her expenses are covered" language and you've got an OP making a really good case for the Evil Stepmother caricature. There's a way to do separate finances well, and OP and her husband have not figured it out. That's not stepDD's fault, and no, asking for a spa day with two friends for a milestone birthday is not "entitled."

The idea that you think it's "unfair" that OP would be asked to contribute to a gift for her stepDD is pretty nuts too. So now we've got three options: 1) DH spends his own money, OP gives a token amount (what happened last year), and that pisses OP off; 2) DH spends his own money, OP spends nothing but still complains all over this board and assassinate's stepDD's character for asking for a present (what's happening now), or 3) DH and OP go in on a present for stepDD's 18th bday together, amounts to be determined amongst themselves, and that's unfair (according to you).

Have you considered that maybe you're just a bad family member?