Reply to Is my step-DC entitled?

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[quote=Anonymous]OP's stepdd sounds like a hard-working kid who hopes for a nice present from her parents. OP sounds like Cruella DeVille. You don't have to do anything for her op. But, if she ever helped with your kids, if she cleans the house or her room, if she helps you pick up your kids and allows you to run errands without taking them, you need to pause and say, "Hey, let me imagine her life." I went to school at this time, or DL, I went to work, I did this homework, etc.."
Try to be honest with yourself. Does she stay in her room when at home mostly, or does she roam around spending time with all of you? Staying in her room is normal at her age, but does she do it more than usual? This means she is not comfortable in her own house, which means she is avoiding some conflict. How is a teen in (if we assume you are not financially stricken), act not entitled, or like a teen from a poor Haiti family? 
Kids are not subjected to the same standards of behavior as adults. As a stepmom, you should participate in the same rituals bio parents do. As she lives with you, you shouldn't count every bite she takes. Before her steps' birthdays, you should ask her if she wants to get them something and if she needs money for it. That is what I do for my bio kids.
You should explain that we make nice small gestures so that siblings feel loved. That is what normally dad will help out for mother's day, and mom for father's dad. If you follow these rituals and traditions, 17 kids are more or less attuned to these small gestures and will get a card on their own. My own kids got me a cake for a birthday, DH, overseas, and facilitated this by reminding them to do so.
It seems that this whole issue is bcs you have different standards for step and bio kids. You thinking of this as some imposition is a sign that you dislike her immensely. Imagine if you were living in a house where mom/stepmom disliked you? You would know it, and she knows it.
Introspection is required here, op, on your part. This is a way people alienate other people. This is the core that you do not see her as a human being akin to yourself and your kids. You are creating here into some inhuman version of a girl. This allowed you to apply different expectations of her. Instead of a human, she should prove her humanity to you? Why? So, if she does not, you can apply a different standard to your perception of her. She is subhuman; hence your criticism of her is for her own good, to improve her. You are, in your own eyes, the righteous one, trying to show her the errors of her ways. To make her less subhuman, everything is acceptable to you as you improve the human race by treating her differently.
It is an effed up dynamic, op. It is a dynamic employed to Other people you dislike. It is you vs. a 17-year-old girl. If you are harsh, it is for her own good, right? No, it is actually to keep you thinking you have the moral high ground, bcs you are doing her a favor.
This dynamic is transferred to a larger scale, we call it nationalism. The othering of people and groups of people. She is not your people, she is not as good as your people, she must be corrected in her ways, or dealt with. It is an insidious way your mind justifies treating her with more criticism than those that you love. Here is a simple thing to try. Open your heart to her, her faults and everything, and try to love her.[/quote]

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