Is my step-DC entitled?

[Anonymous]

Thanks, Op - sending your thread to my stepmom with a note expressing my gratitude she was never like this!

The big issue here is how you are handling finances with DH - even if you have separate accounts, I am confused about why you are gift-giving separately?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, Op - sending your thread to my stepmom with a note expressing my gratitude she was never like this!

The big issue here is how you are handling finances with DH - even if you have separate accounts, I am confused about why you are gift-giving separately?

You mean to say that you requested high-end gifts from your father and stepmother, knowing that your father gave nothing towards YOUR younger half-siblings? If that's not the case then sending your SM this thread is irrelevant as it has nothing to do with the issue at hand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What part of this is “entitled”? She asked for a gift (most kids ask for a gift, and don’t just leave their parents grasping at straws.) Her dad said okay. I don’t see any entitlement there. If you can’t give with a happy heart tell your husband he needs to cough up the money.

It’s entitled to expect your stepmom to contribute to a gift when the stepkid doesn’t do anything for her or her half siblings. I’m on team OP. Tell DH he can pony up 100% of the gift.

No part of the OP indicates that the birthday girl is expecting this to come from her stepmom. Based on previous years, where OP says she's given a gift card and DH gave an extravagant present, it seems pretty obvious that the teenager is asking for this present expecting it to come from her dad. OP and her DH keep separate finances, but she's STILL upset that her stepdd might have a nice 18th birthday on her dad's dime. That's what makes her nuts (well, that, and bragging about not charging her rent like it's a huge gift).

And I worked full time from about 15 onwards, didn't get big presents, yada yada yada. Doesn't change that OP sounds like a real jerk.

Are we reading the same thread? OP said she’s expected to contribute to this gift. That’s unfair to her.

She said "I'm expected to pony up" in the OP, but when asked to clarify whether the gift is coming from her, her DH, or both, she said:

OP--gave her a $50.00 gift card last year to the clothing store she likes/shops at and a nice card. Last year my husband spent over $600 bucks on her Birthday gifts and a party. I ended up buying all the Birthday gifts for my kids on my own.

So her DH is the one who actually spends the big bucks on the present. But she doesn't want to kick in at all, because she doesn't like that it's a bigger present than her (presumably significantly younger) kids will get, which she for whatever reason doesn't ask their dad to help pay for. This is childish nonsense that goes back to bean counting. Add in the "all of her expenses are covered" language and you've got an OP making a really good case for the Evil Stepmother caricature. There's a way to do separate finances well, and OP and her husband have not figured it out. That's not stepDD's fault, and no, asking for a spa day with two friends for a milestone birthday is not "entitled."

The idea that you think it's "unfair" that OP would be asked to contribute to a gift for her stepDD is pretty nuts too. So now we've got three options: 1) DH spends his own money, OP gives a token amount (what happened last year), and that pisses OP off; 2) DH spends his own money, OP spends nothing but still complains all over this board and assassinate's stepDD's character for asking for a present (what's happening now), or 3) DH and OP go in on a present for stepDD's 18th bday together, amounts to be determined amongst themselves, and that's unfair (according to you).

Have you considered that maybe you're just a bad family member?

It’s really a husband problem because he should know how this inequity affects the household. I’m saying it’s unfair to ask the stepmom to contribute to the gift when it’s not her kid, and her kids aren’t given much due consideration. Please don’t be a martyr and vilify the OP when she’s just really a second thought in her own household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, Op - sending your thread to my stepmom with a note expressing my gratitude she was never like this!

The big issue here is how you are handling finances with DH - even if you have separate accounts, I am confused about why you are gift-giving separately?

You mean to say that you requested high-end gifts from your father and stepmother, knowing that your father gave nothing towards YOUR younger half-siblings? If that's not the case then sending your SM this thread is irrelevant as it has nothing to do with the issue at hand.

18 is a big birthday.
We see you StepMonster.
Thankful I had kind stepparents. Both my parents have passed and I’m still family with both my stepparents. Because they treated me as one of the kids not as “not my kid.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, Op - sending your thread to my stepmom with a note expressing my gratitude she was never like this!

The big issue here is how you are handling finances with DH - even if you have separate accounts, I am confused about why you are gift-giving separately?

You mean to say that you requested high-end gifts from your father and stepmother, knowing that your father gave nothing towards YOUR younger half-siblings? If that's not the case then sending your SM this thread is irrelevant as it has nothing to do with the issue at hand.

18 is a big birthday.
We see you StepMonster.
Thankful I had kind stepparents. Both my parents have passed and I’m still family with both my stepparents. Because they treated me as one of the kids not as “not my kid.”

OP, does your husband celebrate your birthday?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What part of this is “entitled”? She asked for a gift (most kids ask for a gift, and don’t just leave their parents grasping at straws.) Her dad said okay. I don’t see any entitlement there. If you can’t give with a happy heart tell your husband he needs to cough up the money.

It’s entitled to expect your stepmom to contribute to a gift when the stepkid doesn’t do anything for her or her half siblings. I’m on team OP. Tell DH he can pony up 100% of the gift.

No part of the OP indicates that the birthday girl is expecting this to come from her stepmom. Based on previous years, where OP says she's given a gift card and DH gave an extravagant present, it seems pretty obvious that the teenager is asking for this present expecting it to come from her dad. OP and her DH keep separate finances, but she's STILL upset that her stepdd might have a nice 18th birthday on her dad's dime. That's what makes her nuts (well, that, and bragging about not charging her rent like it's a huge gift).

And I worked full time from about 15 onwards, didn't get big presents, yada yada yada. Doesn't change that OP sounds like a real jerk.

Are we reading the same thread? OP said she’s expected to contribute to this gift. That’s unfair to her.

She said "I'm expected to pony up" in the OP, but when asked to clarify whether the gift is coming from her, her DH, or both, she said:

OP--gave her a $50.00 gift card last year to the clothing store she likes/shops at and a nice card. Last year my husband spent over $600 bucks on her Birthday gifts and a party. I ended up buying all the Birthday gifts for my kids on my own.

So her DH is the one who actually spends the big bucks on the present. But she doesn't want to kick in at all, because she doesn't like that it's a bigger present than her (presumably significantly younger) kids will get, which she for whatever reason doesn't ask their dad to help pay for. This is childish nonsense that goes back to bean counting. Add in the "all of her expenses are covered" language and you've got an OP making a really good case for the Evil Stepmother caricature. There's a way to do separate finances well, and OP and her husband have not figured it out. That's not stepDD's fault, and no, asking for a spa day with two friends for a milestone birthday is not "entitled."

The idea that you think it's "unfair" that OP would be asked to contribute to a gift for her stepDD is pretty nuts too. So now we've got three options: 1) DH spends his own money, OP gives a token amount (what happened last year), and that pisses OP off; 2) DH spends his own money, OP spends nothing but still complains all over this board and assassinate's stepDD's character for asking for a present (what's happening now), or 3) DH and OP go in on a present for stepDD's 18th bday together, amounts to be determined amongst themselves, and that's unfair (according to you).

Have you considered that maybe you're just a bad family member?

It’s really a husband problem because he should know how this inequity affects the household. I’m saying it’s unfair to ask the stepmom to contribute to the gift when it’s not her kid, and her kids aren’t given much due consideration. Please don’t be a martyr and vilify the OP when she’s just really a second thought in her own household.

Everything after your first sentence is disgusting. It's not unfair to be expected to contribute to your stepkids' birthday present. And you're the one "martyring" OP because she ::checks notes:: bought a $50 gift card one year ago and is still whining about it. Seriously, you're not a good family member. OP isn't either, but your defense of her goes even further than she did: at least she had the sense to vacate the thread when consensus was reached.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What part of this is “entitled”? She asked for a gift (most kids ask for a gift, and don’t just leave their parents grasping at straws.) Her dad said okay. I don’t see any entitlement there. If you can’t give with a happy heart tell your husband he needs to cough up the money.

It’s entitled to expect your stepmom to contribute to a gift when the stepkid doesn’t do anything for her or her half siblings. I’m on team OP. Tell DH he can pony up 100% of the gift.

No part of the OP indicates that the birthday girl is expecting this to come from her stepmom. Based on previous years, where OP says she's given a gift card and DH gave an extravagant present, it seems pretty obvious that the teenager is asking for this present expecting it to come from her dad. OP and her DH keep separate finances, but she's STILL upset that her stepdd might have a nice 18th birthday on her dad's dime. That's what makes her nuts (well, that, and bragging about not charging her rent like it's a huge gift).

And I worked full time from about 15 onwards, didn't get big presents, yada yada yada. Doesn't change that OP sounds like a real jerk.

Are we reading the same thread? OP said she’s expected to contribute to this gift. That’s unfair to her.

She said "I'm expected to pony up" in the OP, but when asked to clarify whether the gift is coming from her, her DH, or both, she said:

OP--gave her a $50.00 gift card last year to the clothing store she likes/shops at and a nice card. Last year my husband spent over $600 bucks on her Birthday gifts and a party. I ended up buying all the Birthday gifts for my kids on my own.

So her DH is the one who actually spends the big bucks on the present. But she doesn't want to kick in at all, because she doesn't like that it's a bigger present than her (presumably significantly younger) kids will get, which she for whatever reason doesn't ask their dad to help pay for. This is childish nonsense that goes back to bean counting. Add in the "all of her expenses are covered" language and you've got an OP making a really good case for the Evil Stepmother caricature. There's a way to do separate finances well, and OP and her husband have not figured it out. That's not stepDD's fault, and no, asking for a spa day with two friends for a milestone birthday is not "entitled."

The idea that you think it's "unfair" that OP would be asked to contribute to a gift for her stepDD is pretty nuts too. So now we've got three options: 1) DH spends his own money, OP gives a token amount (what happened last year), and that pisses OP off; 2) DH spends his own money, OP spends nothing but still complains all over this board and assassinate's stepDD's character for asking for a present (what's happening now), or 3) DH and OP go in on a present for stepDD's 18th bday together, amounts to be determined amongst themselves, and that's unfair (according to you).

Have you considered that maybe you're just a bad family member?

It’s really a husband problem because he should know how this inequity affects the household. I’m saying it’s unfair to ask the stepmom to contribute to the gift when it’s not her kid, and her kids aren’t given much due consideration. Please don’t be a martyr and vilify the OP when she’s just really a second thought in her own household.

Everything after your first sentence is disgusting. It's not unfair to be expected to contribute to your stepkids' birthday present. And you're the one "martyring" OP because she ::checks notes:: bought a $50 gift card one year ago and is still whining about it. Seriously, you're not a good family member. OP isn't either, but your defense of her goes even further than she did: at least she had the sense to vacate the thread when consensus was reached.

No one owes anyone anything. The sooner you get that into your head, life will be easier for you. This is what the SD needs to learn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is not doing her self any favors here! This is why people say stepmoms suck! Bcs this one sure does.
"She is not paying for room and board. All her expensense are covered."
Would you say the same for your bio kid, op? This girl has been working since 16, yet you are aware that she is not paying for room and board! Who, who but evil stepmom says things like this???

OP did NOT say she doesn't pay room and board. She said that all of this child's expenses are covered - meaning, if she is working five days a week, what is happening to all of that money? Why is she not able to save for a token gift for steps siblings/stepmom.

Which, is fine if she doesn't want to do that, I suppose - but she shouldn't expect lavish gifts if she herself isn't even willing to make a small effort to gift others. She's turning 18, not 8 - she should have some grasp on giving.

Yes, we give because we want to, without expectation of anything in return for several reasons. Love, appreciation, because we like to see others happy, etc. But if there is a dynamic where SD is not appreciative/loving to/of the others in her family, why are they obligated to act any differently?

DP Does you children give gifts to her?

[Anonymous]

OP--update. I gave her $100 cash and a nice card just from me. I decided not to be petty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is turning 18 which is a huge milestone birthday. She is responsible enough to work 5 days a week since 16?

Why wouldn't you spend money on a spa day for her and her friends for her birthday? You don't realize how lucky you are to have a responsible step daughter. Who cares that she doesn't give you a present or her siblings? Don't be so petty.

OP--I am going to give $100 in cash, so they can go to lunch somewhere.

Omg op. You are just horrible. Is the bio mom in the picture? Anyway, the whole set up is strange. I or DH usually buy birthday gifts and it’s a gift from all of us, including the siblings. I may prompt the sibling to paint a picture or make a card, but whatever I or dh buys is a gift “from our family” - from all of us. Go ahead give her the 100$ for lunch, hope her bio mom and dad actually step up to gift her the gift she wants - especially that now with Black Friday coming up there will be offers. It doesn’t need to be 1000$, there are much cheaper options out there and more expensive ones as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dread this....step-DD's Birthday is next month and she wants a spa treatment for herself and two of her friends at a high-end spa. She has not given a gift to me or my kids (her brother and sister) for the past two years for our Birthdays, but I am expected to pony up. This year she said that she was going to make or bake something for her younger siblings, but ended up just showing up for the celebration and didn't contribute anything timewise or even tried to make/buy a small gift. I am just kind of sick of it and plan on giving her a nice Birthday card with a Happy Birthday note from me and the kids. Am I wrong here?

Your children should give her what she gave them.
But you should also give her what you gave your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, Op - sending your thread to my stepmom with a note expressing my gratitude she was never like this!

The big issue here is how you are handling finances with DH - even if you have separate accounts, I am confused about why you are gift-giving separately?

You mean to say that you requested high-end gifts from your father and stepmother, knowing that your father gave nothing towards YOUR younger half-siblings? If that's not the case then sending your SM this thread is irrelevant as it has nothing to do with the issue at hand.

18 is a big birthday.
We see you StepMonster.
Thankful I had kind stepparents. Both my parents have passed and I’m still family with both my stepparents. Because they treated me as one of the kids not as “not my kid.”

OP, does your husband celebrate your birthday?

OP—Yes. He does. Step-DD just sent a text for my Birthday AFTER DH asked her if she wished me a HB. To be honest, I don’t care if she wishes me a HB or not.

[Anonymous]

A teen who for two years has been working 5 days a week is not "entitled".

It appears you feel "entitled to your feelings".

Posting here seeking validation for these feelings as opposed to you seeking a resolution to the clear problem that you are having with your step daughter, a problem you also clearly blame on HER somehow, is unlikely to lead to anything but more feelings you feel entitled to have.

You've painted her and yourself very one dimensionally. If there is love and good will in you, show it. You can start by showing it here, but you really need to show it to your step daughter. Im sure there is way more to her than the big problem of wanting a spa day for her biggest birthday to date.

Finally: SPA DAY IS NOT POSSIBLE DURING COVID. Are you guys anti maskers or covid deniers???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is 17 year old supposed to buy you and her half or step siblings presents? Usuallyparents buy present for kids. If kids do buy something for a parent it is usually something small. If she has no money, how is she to do this?
She is expecting a present from her parent who is your spouse. As she should, not from you really. She does not sound entitled. She could be wanting a Range Rover. Plus, pony up? She is your family, do you dread ponying up for your won kids presents? How many presents do you receive from your own children?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is turning 18 which is a huge milestone birthday. She is responsible enough to work 5 days a week since 16?

Why wouldn't you spend money on a spa day for her and her friends for her birthday? You don't realize how lucky you are to have a responsible step daughter. Who cares that she doesn't give you a present or her siblings? Don't be so petty.

OP--I am going to give $100 in cash, so they can go to lunch somewhere.

Unless you live in an area where it's safe, going out for lunch at a restaurant now is not a good idea. Could she get takeout and have friends over at house instead, if that's allowed in your area?