Husband has been financially a disappointment

[Anonymous]

Lol ypu are more of a disappointment than your husband!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't understand how I am supposed to kick-start a career at 32? I just wanted to have children and have a stress free part time job. My husband messed everything up. And now we are screwed.

People kickstart careers at 50 after they've raised children so it should be no problem for you to do it at 32. You are very young so you can be more aggressive about your career and wait on the baby. Both you and your husband may have to work two jobs to build up savings and pay down the debt. There is nothing wrong with wanting children and staying home or having a stress free job but that's not how it working out for you. If you think it's your husband's fault, maybe it is time for you to move on and find someone who can financially support you.

[Anonymous]

Do you love your dh? Did you marry for better or worse? Richer and poorer? Sickness and health? If the answer is no, get out but you will have to find some way to support yourself. If yes, talk to your dh and develop a plan. Did he just get laid off due to the Covid economy? Lots of people did. Is he looking for a job? Networking? Are you? If you live in the DMV, have you thought about moving to a LCOL area where it might be easier for you to be a SAHM bc the cost of housing is so much lower. But you need to look for some sort of job now to help with expenses. Look, your situation isn’t unique. We have been through layoffs, cancer, other illnesses, special needs kids (definitely can’t predict that) but it has all worked out and dh now makes more money than ever and I work very part time. If I had given up on him 20 years ago at the first bump in the road, I wouldn’t have the family or the life I have. We will be celebrating 25th anniversary soon. Think about whether this is your person. If not, go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't understand how I am supposed to kick-start a career at 32? I just wanted to have children and have a stress free part time job. My husband messed everything up. And now we are screwed.

Well, you messed up too. You picked a man who could not earn enough and has no financial sense! You had no backup plan. And you let it get this bad without intervening. Your passivity and bad choices are a big part of this problem.

Sorry but raising a family without financial stress is just not available to most families. Sometimes you don't get what you want! You can still have what you want if you are willing to go hard-core frugal and Dave Ramsey for the next few years. Stop thinking you are entitled to a cushy life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't understand how I am supposed to kick-start a career at 32? I just wanted to have children and have a stress free part time job. My husband messed everything up. And now we are screwed.

Well, you messed up too. You picked a man who could not earn enough and has no financial sense! You had no backup plan. And you let it get this bad without intervening. Your passivity and bad choices are a big part of this problem.

Sorry but raising a family without financial stress is just not available to most families. Sometimes you don't get what you want! You can still have what you want if you are willing to go hard-core frugal and Dave Ramsey for the next few years. Stop thinking you are entitled to a cushy life.

+1 I have a sister who was just like OP.

Picked a man whom she thought had possible earning potential, and all she wanted to do was work PT and raise children. In and of itself, that's not a horrible thing, BUT, the reality is that plans don't work out the way you want it, and the person whom you thought you married turns out to be a disappointment.

They are divorced now (divorced after 2 years marriage, maybe 3?). She has learned the hard lesson that you cannot rely on someone else for your happiness and plans.

A woman should *never* rely on a man for financial gain because you have no idea what could happen.

[Anonymous]

Ok, let’s drop discussing the wedding. That was a stupid mistake but it’s in the past. OP, hoe much is your combined total income and combined take home? You need to control all the money. I would be worried about having any shared accounts with someone this irresponsible. A man is not a plan. I know you want a kid but how will you pay for childcare. I kind of think you need to ditch this loser but that would impact your kid dream. Just know that having a kid and being the total money manger is going to make your stress levels and resentment sky rocket. So plan ahead for divorce. You need at least o e account that only you control. Would your parents put it in their name?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't understand how I am supposed to kick-start a career at 32? I just wanted to have children and have a stress free part time job. My husband messed everything up. And now we are screwed.

I just want a pony, but I made sure I had an actually plan. Time to grow up, OP.

[Anonymous]

What kind of work do you do, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, let’s drop discussing the wedding. That was a stupid mistake but it’s in the past. OP, hoe much is your combined total income and combined take home? You need to control all the money. I would be worried about having any shared accounts with someone this irresponsible. A man is not a plan. I know you want a kid but how will you pay for childcare. I kind of think you need to ditch this loser but that would impact your kid dream. Just know that having a kid and being the total money manger is going to make your stress levels and resentment sky rocket. So plan ahead for divorce. You need at least o e account that only you control. Would your parents put it in their name?

Why do we think that OP is so much more responsible than her husband? Why does she get to control the money, when she's apparently just as bad as he is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, let’s drop discussing the wedding. That was a stupid mistake but it’s in the past. OP, hoe much is your combined total income and combined take home? You need to control all the money. I would be worried about having any shared accounts with someone this irresponsible. A man is not a plan. I know you want a kid but how will you pay for childcare. I kind of think you need to ditch this loser but that would impact your kid dream. Just know that having a kid and being the total money manger is going to make your stress levels and resentment sky rocket. So plan ahead for divorce. You need at least o e account that only you control. Would your parents put it in their name?

Yeah, he's such a loser. His wife who makes $30K a year and never intended to have a career at all should definitely be in charge of the money.

Show me one smart financial decision the OP has made, and then I might believe that she is more qualified to be in charge of their finances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you need to be the money manager here. You also need to start making more money on your own. How are you only making $36k/year in your 30s?

Shows how out of touch DCUM crowd is. [Median monthly earnings for women over 25 is $956 : https://www.bls.gov/news.release/pdf/wkyeng.pdf.
That's $3,834 per month, roughly. After you take out taxes OP is certainly near the middle of the pack.
OP has plenty of company.

Not everyone has a law degree, a second home and sends their kids to private school.

Those people are also not spending a year’s salary on their wedding. And not earning 110-130k only to end up with zero savings.

I’m not blaming OP for not earning more. I’m blaming OP for not planning at all, relying on her husband to be the earner, and accusing him of failure when she clearly did not articulate to him or even herself what their financial future goals looked like.

[Anonymous]

Did you buy a house or do you still have the $250k in cash?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Umm, just a month ago I saw a letter (long story but I legitimately was given it to read) from my ex-h’s business credit card explaining why they cut his credit limit.

His FICO score is 610.
I handed the letter back to the person who let me read and said “his credit score is 610?”

A few days ago this same person said, “XH’s name is financially irresponsible!”

I was married for 2 decades to someone who’s credit would be 610 if they didn’t have a wife to make sure the bills got paid.

I had no idea, I still have no idea how this happens

Credit score has zero correlation with wealth.

I don’t know what my credit score is and really don’t care because I don’t need one. I have someone that works for and has an 800 credit score, lives in a dump, has a couple of credit cards with 1 k limit and maybe 2,000 in the bank.

You're wrong. There is actually a very strong correlation between high FICO scores and wealth. But a strong FICO doesn't necessarily mean someone is wealthy, only that they pay their bills on time and don't overextend themselves credit-wise.

Most wealthy individuals have strong credit scores for obvious reasons... unless they're Charlie Sheen or some other rich trainwreck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't understand how I am supposed to kick-start a career at 32? I just wanted to have children and have a stress free part time job. My husband messed everything up. And now we are screwed.

Well, you messed up too. You picked a man who could not earn enough and has no financial sense! You had no backup plan. And you let it get this bad without intervening. Your passivity and bad choices are a big part of this problem.

Sorry but raising a family without financial stress is just not available to most families. Sometimes you don't get what you want! You can still have what you want if you are willing to go hard-core frugal and Dave Ramsey for the next few years. Stop thinking you are entitled to a cushy life.

+1 I have a sister who was just like OP.

Picked a man whom she thought had possible earning potential, and all she wanted to do was work PT and raise children. In and of itself, that's not a horrible thing, BUT, the reality is that plans don't work out the way you want it, and the person whom you thought you married turns out to be a disappointment.

They are divorced now (divorced after 2 years marriage, maybe 3?). She has learned the hard lesson that you cannot rely on someone else for your happiness and plans.

A woman should *never* rely on a man for financial gain because you have no idea what could happen.

God... this x 1,000. My advice to my daughters: Never be financially dependent on anyone because there are zero guarantees in life and you never know when you'll need to provide for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't understand how I am supposed to kick-start a career at 32? I just wanted to have children and have a stress free part time job. My husband messed everything up. And now we are screwed.

Well, you messed up too. You picked a man who could not earn enough and has no financial sense! You had no backup plan. And you let it get this bad without intervening. Your passivity and bad choices are a big part of this problem.

Sorry but raising a family without financial stress is just not available to most families. Sometimes you don't get what you want! You can still have what you want if you are willing to go hard-core frugal and Dave Ramsey for the next few years. Stop thinking you are entitled to a cushy life.

+1 I have a sister who was just like OP.

Picked a man whom she thought had possible earning potential, and all she wanted to do was work PT and raise children. In and of itself, that's not a horrible thing, BUT, the reality is that plans don't work out the way you want it, and the person whom you thought you married turns out to be a disappointment.

They are divorced now (divorced after 2 years marriage, maybe 3?). She has learned the hard lesson that you cannot rely on someone else for your happiness and plans.

A woman should *never* rely on a man for financial gain because you have no idea what could happen.

Lots of people pouncing on OP here. My first instinct was the same. These two posters though, are totally right. OP -- you have to be a whole before you can be a half. That means knowing what you can/want to contribute, and reassessing those boundaries at all times. If you want to be the part-time/SAHM, then know you're along for the ride. I see so many women who chose that, and actively continue to choose that, and have found the ways to bolster their SO to make that work for their intentions (and the opposite - she works, he is home). Similarly, the two-career, balls-to-the-wall-seemingly-no-time-for-kids-but-everyones-ok.... All options are choices, and all options require continuous choosing.

Bottom line -- you are an active participant in your life. Don't play the victim. Own your choices, because that's all any of us has.



God... this x 1,000. My advice to my daughters: Never be financially dependent on anyone because there are zero guarantees in life and you never know when you'll need to provide for yourself.