Husband has been financially a disappointment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't understand how I am supposed to kick-start a career at 32? I just wanted to have children and have a stress free part time job. My husband messed everything up. And now we are screwed.

Well, you messed up too. You picked a man who could not earn enough and has no financial sense! You had no backup plan. And you let it get this bad without intervening. Your passivity and bad choices are a big part of this problem.

Sorry but raising a family without financial stress is just not available to most families. Sometimes you don't get what you want! You can still have what you want if you are willing to go hard-core frugal and Dave Ramsey for the next few years. Stop thinking you are entitled to a cushy life.

+1 I have a sister who was just like OP.

Picked a man whom she thought had possible earning potential, and all she wanted to do was work PT and raise children. In and of itself, that's not a horrible thing, BUT, the reality is that plans don't work out the way you want it, and the person whom you thought you married turns out to be a disappointment.

They are divorced now (divorced after 2 years marriage, maybe 3?). She has learned the hard lesson that you cannot rely on someone else for your happiness and plans.

A woman should *never* rely on a man for financial gain because you have no idea what could happen.

God... this x 1,000. My advice to my daughters: Never be financially dependent on anyone because there are zero guarantees in life and you never know when you'll need to provide for yourself.

(reposting as I f'ed up the first attempt to quote PPs)

Lots of people pouncing on OP here. My first instinct was the same. These two posters though, are totally right. OP -- you have to be a whole before you can be a half. That means knowing what you can/want to contribute, and reassessing those boundaries at all times. If you want to be the part-time/SAHM, then know you're along for the ride. I see so many women who chose that, and actively continue to choose that, and have found the ways to bolster their SO to make that work for their intentions (and the opposite - she works, he is home). Similarly, the two-career, balls-to-the-wall-seemingly-no-time-for-kids-but-everyones-ok.... All options are choices, and all options require continuous choosing.

Bottom line -- you are an active participant in your life. Don't play the victim. Own your choices, because that's all any of us has.

[Anonymous]

OP:

Remember what my father sad: "It takes about $65 to get married That pays for the license, the judge, and the parking. If you want a party, well, that's on your own dime."

My father covered the down payment on our mortgage. Listen to financially wise people, not people selling you a dress and a party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Thank you for your feedback. I thought we would be making more money as he had good degrees and a stable job when we married. I...did not plan on a high earning career as I wanted to be a mom first. He got stuck in the 80k-100k range for a few years while we got married. Then, he got laid off.

Now we are 32 and 33 and in very bad shape.

Here's the bottom line: You need to work. More.

Your DH needs to find full-time employment ASAP.

Furthermore, each of you needs to find a second job no matter what it is. Waitstaff, cleaning offices, cashier jobs, whatever... You don't have children so now is the time to play catch-up.

If each of you gets a part-time job earning at least $15 per hour then that can be $30K (or more) per year.

In the meantime, slash all your expenses so that you are living bare-bones. Yes, it may be hard but you can do that too. No eating out, buy only what you absolutely need, keep old vehicles, no vacations, etc.

Commit to doing it, no matter how hard or tired you are, for one year.

This. Hang out on Mr. Money Mustache and DAve RAmsey. Y'all need to stop spending and start working. There are jobs everywhere
in my town. Target in my town has a large banner now hiring $15 per hour. I drive past help wanted signs in my town all day long.
There is a direct correlation to having money and having worked jobs. Working jobs, brings in cash.
Sell a car. Sell both if you can walk to your jobs.
MR. Money Mustache would tell you to sell your house and relocate so you can bike or walk to your jobs.

Y'all are young. Don't become the 75 year olds that HAVE TO WORK because they did not put aside money when they were younger.

[Anonymous]

Why are you working part time when you don't have children?
You need to take on a full time 40 hour per week job and then a second job for 18 - 20 hours.

Believe me you don't want to be the 78 year old lady that has to work at the grocery store because she did not put in the hours as a young person and her husband and all the other men have died off.

[Anonymous]

Mr. Money Mustache has a case study section. YOu will get good input if you post your story there.

He also has a section on how to talk to your spouse about money and getting on the same page as a couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are going to get a lot of, what is your part from people.

I’d start with Dave Ramsey. I dislike his world views but for people drowning in debt trying to make the first right step his plan is pretty spot on. Listening to the callers to his show can also make you feel a lot better about your situation. But don’t stop with him and don’t listen to anything he says about investing.

I would also research Bogleheads and start listening to Clark Howard.

Make a financial plan together. It will start with a monthly budget. Work from there.

Well my husband made about 100k up until last year. Now he is starting his own consulting business and for the past 2 months has been having a cash flow of about 15k or so... we don’t know what his new monthly income will be. I bring in 3k a month.

What happened to the $800,000 y'all earned over the last 8 years? That is high wage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What steps are you taking TODAY?

-Cut cable, netflix, etc
-Cut gym or other memberships
-Can you eliminate a vehicle
-Any frivolous or extra things or services like cleaning lady or eating out should be gone
-Start following Dave Ramsey religiously

This. You need to be taking hard core steps. Change your cell plans to the cheapest on the planet. (See Mr. Money Mustache)
Eliminate, cable, amazon prime, (in fact stop buying from amazon), netflix etc

What are your vehicles? Sell a vehicle.

Eat rice and beans.

Etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are going to get a lot of, what is your part from people.

I’d start with Dave Ramsey. I dislike his world views but for people drowning in debt trying to make the first right step his plan is pretty spot on. Listening to the callers to his show can also make you feel a lot better about your situation. But don’t stop with him and don’t listen to anything he says about investing.

I would also research Bogleheads and start listening to Clark Howard.

Make a financial plan together. It will start with a monthly budget. Work from there.

Well my husband made about 100k up until last year. Now he is starting his own consulting business and for the past 2 months has been having a cash flow of about 15k or so... we don’t know what his new monthly income will be. I bring in 3k a month.

So you both were just pissing away his 100k a year? How much is your rent? What are your other expenses?

If you had $130K/year, and no kids, there's no reason you couldn't have been saving money and paying down his student debt. You need to sit down and figure out where you money is going, and what spending you are going to cut/eliminate. I agree about Dave Ramsey -- there are limits to his advice, but he offers good first steps for people in your situation.

You have been makeing $130,000 per year over the last 8 years. That is 1,040,000 over the last 8 years. His college loans could have been
paid off by now and you could have a good house payment saved up. Where is the money going?

If your spouse is making $100,000 and you 30,000 that is big money for most couples in the US today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are going to get a lot of, what is your part from people.

I’d start with Dave Ramsey. I dislike his world views but for people drowning in debt trying to make the first right step his plan is pretty spot on. Listening to the callers to his show can also make you feel a lot better about your situation. But don’t stop with him and don’t listen to anything he says about investing.

I would also research Bogleheads and start listening to Clark Howard.

Make a financial plan together. It will start with a monthly budget. Work from there.

Well my husband made about 100k up until last year. Now he is starting his own consulting business and for the past 2 months has been having a cash flow of about 15k or so... we don’t know what his new monthly income will be. I bring in 3k a month.

So you both were just pissing away his 100k a year? How much is your rent? What are your other expenses?

He doesn't sound like a disappointment if he is bringing in 100k per year. IT sounds like both of you are frittering it away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, let’s drop discussing the wedding. That was a stupid mistake but it’s in the past. OP, hoe much is your combined total income and combined take home? You need to control all the money. I would be worried about having any shared accounts with someone this irresponsible. A man is not a plan. I know you want a kid but how will you pay for childcare. I kind of think you need to ditch this loser but that would impact your kid dream. Just know that having a kid and being the total money manger is going to make your stress levels and resentment sky rocket. So plan ahead for divorce. You need at least o e account that only you control. Would your parents put it in their name?

Why do we think that OP is so much more responsible than her husband? Why does she get to control the money, when she's apparently just as bad as he is?

Oh, we don't. But she doesn't just get to call him a failure and take zero responsibility for their financial situation because "she just wanted to be a mom". SAH doesn't magically absolve you of all financial responsibilities to your family. I WOH but have a good number of SAH friends - most of them manage the family budget and even investments in some cases. Financial goals are a family matter even if you decide one spouse stays home to care for children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't understand how I am supposed to kick-start a career at 32? I just wanted to have children and have a stress free part time job. My husband messed everything up. And now we are screwed.

Well, you messed up too. You picked a man who could not earn enough and has no financial sense! You had no backup plan. And you let it get this bad without intervening. Your passivity and bad choices are a big part of this problem.

Sorry but raising a family without financial stress is just not available to most families. Sometimes you don't get what you want! You can still have what you want if you are willing to go hard-core frugal and Dave Ramsey for the next few years. Stop thinking you are entitled to a cushy life.

+1 I have a sister who was just like OP.

Picked a man whom she thought had possible earning potential, and all she wanted to do was work PT and raise children. In and of itself, that's not a horrible thing, BUT, the reality is that plans don't work out the way you want it, and the person whom you thought you married turns out to be a disappointment.

They are divorced now (divorced after 2 years marriage, maybe 3?). She has learned the hard lesson that you cannot rely on someone else for your happiness and plans.

+1

A woman should *never* rely on a man for financial gain because you have no idea what could happen.

God... this x 1,000. My advice to my daughters: Never be financially dependent on anyone because there are zero guarantees in life and you never know when you'll need to provide for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of women don’t even see how the patriarchy has impaired them. If a wife is financially literate, she should take the reigns, even if her spouse is financially illiterate. Stop expecting him to figure it out. You figure it out.

Reins

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you working part time when you don't have children?
You need to take on a full time 40 hour per week job and then a second job for 18 - 20 hours.

Believe me you don't want to be the 78 year old lady that has to work at the grocery store because she did not put in the hours as a young person and her husband and all the other men have died off.

Because she does not want to work and only men are expected to work in “stressful” jobs.

[Anonymous]

Why in the F do couples spend so GD much on an engagement, wedding and honeymoon? I don’t feel sorry for you two for making such a poor decision. Now deal with the consequences.

[Anonymous]

Most adults in this country are not making anywhere near 100K per year. Where's the money??

I laugh when I hear people have things like 2 televisions in their home and they complain about being short of cash.

OP do you know what a budget is?? My mom taught me when I was 9 years old. I knew what I could and could not buy on my $1 a week allowance.