Reply to Husband is silent when I most desperately need reassurance and acknowledgment

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I have been there and also find this frustrating. My DH is also very silent and can freeze up when I’m upset. We are still working on it, and we’ve had lots of conversations about what we both need in terms of support and how to give it to each other. I will say that I’ve accepted my DH will never be the kind of person to easily offer physical consoling or verbal encouragement. I have learned to ask for physical reassurance when I need it (can I have a hug?) and to accept that his silence is not a judgment when I am struggling. Sometimes I can tell him what my needs are, and he can come back after 20-30 minutes and offer some reassurance, once he’s had time to think about what to say.

Something that helps us finding a therapist I can talk to when I’m struggling to get some of the support I can’t get from my DH. He’s very supportive of this because he knows he can’t provide the emotional support I need. So in a way my therapy feels like a way my DH can offer support, because he helps facilitate it by making sure we have childcare during my appointments and encouraging me to go. [/quote]

Op here. Thank you. Good suggestions.

What is the reason for the silence? Honestly I would prefer he say the wrong thing than sit there in silence.

Is it selective mutism? Is it a kind of autism? Is it lack of intelligence??[/quote]

Do you really lack this much insight?  You just described a history of telling your husband that he doesn't respond in the way you want and then you say that you would prefer he say the wrong thing than nothing?  If you want to resolve this, you really have to be more honest with yourself, rather than try to pathologize him.

I'm going to try and say this kindly, but you have some pathologies yourself.  Please seek therapy for anxiety and panic disorder.

Also, if you think your life seems impossibly hard, it probably is.  A new job with two kids under K age is hard for anyone and if you don't have family around you need to be paying for some of the following -- aftercare, a babysitter who provides after aftercare or after care pickup, a house cleaner, someone who does some grocery shopping and cooking or a meal in a box service, a babysitter so you can have evenings out together or time to yourself, a gym with childcare, etc.

And, you need an attitude adjustment re work.  If you are injured, you absolutely need to take time off to follow up on that.  Do you have sick days?  Use them.  You are not indispensable at work, and it's your boss's or HR's job to help you figure out how to shift your responsibilities when you need to use sick leave.

Your DH may be silent because there is really nothing he can say that is going to fix a panic attack or make you take sick leave and go to the urgent care for your injury.  In that moment of panic, you are beyond reason. (I know because my DD has panic attacks.  Once she agreed to go to therapy, she could benefit from my talking her through how to calm down.  Before therapy, she was unreachable.) 
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