Should my mom come to stay for the first month after birth?

[Anonymous]

My parents came and stayed with us for 6 months when our baby was born. DH took 3 weeks off, I had a 3-month leave and we started daycare a few weeks before my parents left. It was wonderful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. Why do you need three adults for one baby. If you and YOUR DH can't take care of your child then you shouldn't have had it.

Don’t be jealous.

[Anonymous]

Omg I cried when my mom left. And I can’t remember how long she stayed but it was a while, and DH wasn’t working.

Yes you “can” handle it alone but ideally a new mother gets to rest and recuperate and enjoy the time with her baby and her partner.

[Anonymous]

This thread is fascinating. I thought we modern women were supposed to be tougher than this.

OP it will be harder when baby becomes mobile. In any event if you need help, I would wait a few weeks at least when you’re really tired. I had 3rd-and 4th- degree tears with my kids. It sucked but it was manageable. No way I’d have my mom or someone else here to help, because for the rest of my life I’d hear about I HAD to have help / couldn’t handle it alone. Mom would help but it would come at a serious cost. The truth is I could handle it and did. Any additional support would’ve been a nice to have — maybe. Depends on how much of an emotional drain your own mother is (or will be). My mom is the martyr type. YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is fascinating. I thought we modern women were supposed to be tougher than this.

OP it will be harder when baby becomes mobile. In any event if you need help, I would wait a few weeks at least when you’re really tired. I had 3rd-and 4th- degree tears with my kids. It sucked but it was manageable. No way I’d have my mom or someone else here to help, because for the rest of my life I’d hear about I HAD to have help / couldn’t handle it alone. Mom would help but it would come at a serious cost. The truth is I could handle it and did. Any additional support would’ve been a nice to have — maybe. Depends on how much of an emotional drain your own mother is (or will be). My mom is the martyr type. YMMV.

This is so toxic. There is no shame in having help after going through childbirth and taking care of you and your baby. Attitudes like this are what drive women to depression and anxiety. UGH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is fascinating. I thought we modern women were supposed to be tougher than this.

OP it will be harder when baby becomes mobile. In any event if you need help, I would wait a few weeks at least when you’re really tired. I had 3rd-and 4th- degree tears with my kids. It sucked but it was manageable. No way I’d have my mom or someone else here to help, because for the rest of my life I’d hear about I HAD to have help / couldn’t handle it alone. Mom would help but it would come at a serious cost. The truth is I could handle it and did. Any additional support would’ve been a nice to have — maybe. Depends on how much of an emotional drain your own mother is (or will be). My mom is the martyr type. YMMV.

This is so toxic. There is no shame in having help after going through childbirth and taking care of you and your baby. Attitudes like this are what drive women to depression and anxiety. UGH

+1

[Anonymous]

I love my mom but I couldn’t handle having her with us through those first days and nights.

When DH goes back to work, yes to help during the day.

Also hire a house cleaner if that’s not something you do normally.

[Anonymous]

Well, my bitchy MIL came at DH's insistence with our first and she not only wanted to only hold the baby, but also kept saying she would take my 2 day old baby back to her hotel with her "so we could rest." She wouldn't STFU about it. Also expected to be served all meals. Scoffed when I told her to wash her hands. So I'm soured on the whole thing. Wouldn't even let her see our second for 6 months (she did other horrible things in between). Hope she never meets our third, if I'm honest.

But in your case, have mom come on week 3 and stay while DH goes back to work.

[Anonymous]

Your mom sounds lovely OP. If she wants to come and help for a few weeks let her! That would be awesome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is fascinating. I thought we modern women were supposed to be tougher than this.

OP it will be harder when baby becomes mobile. In any event if you need help, I would wait a few weeks at least when you’re really tired. I had 3rd-and 4th- degree tears with my kids. It sucked but it was manageable. No way I’d have my mom or someone else here to help, because for the rest of my life I’d hear about I HAD to have help / couldn’t handle it alone. Mom would help but it would come at a serious cost. The truth is I could handle it and did. Any additional support would’ve been a nice to have — maybe. Depends on how much of an emotional drain your own mother is (or will be). My mom is the martyr type. YMMV.

This is so toxic. There is no shame in having help after going through childbirth and taking care of you and your baby. Attitudes like this are what drive women to depression and anxiety. UGH

+1

Sorry you don't get along with your mom, but many of us do. I really enjoyed the time bonding with my mom and appreciated her help. Throughout history, women have had help after childbirth, usually from other female relatives like mothers, aunts, grandmothers, and older sisters. I COULD have taken care of my newborn on my own, but it was much more pleasant to have company and a little extra TLC. And if you had complications of any kind, extra help is even more useful. I agree -- there is no shame in having help, and the idea that women should do it alone -- and want to do it alone -- is really toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is fascinating. I thought we modern women were supposed to be tougher than this.

OP it will be harder when baby becomes mobile. In any event if you need help, I would wait a few weeks at least when you’re really tired. I had 3rd-and 4th- degree tears with my kids. It sucked but it was manageable. No way I’d have my mom or someone else here to help, because for the rest of my life I’d hear about I HAD to have help / couldn’t handle it alone. Mom would help but it would come at a serious cost. The truth is I could handle it and did. Any additional support would’ve been a nice to have — maybe. Depends on how much of an emotional drain your own mother is (or will be). My mom is the martyr type. YMMV.

This is so toxic. There is no shame in having help after going through childbirth and taking care of you and your baby. Attitudes like this are what drive women to depression and anxiety. UGH

+1

Sorry you don't get along with your mom, but many of us do. I really enjoyed the time bonding with my mom and appreciated her help. Throughout history, women have had help after childbirth, usually from other female relatives like mothers, aunts, grandmothers, and older sisters. I COULD have taken care of my newborn on my own, but it was much more pleasant to have company and a little extra TLC. And if you had complications of any kind, extra help is even more useful. I agree -- there is no shame in having help, and the idea that women should do it alone -- and want to do it alone -- is really toxic.

Sure some other women helped, but I think not all of those situations were as warm and nurturing as some here like to believe. In some cultures the mother were the lowest ranking members of the household. Again YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have her come out once DH goes back to work.

This times a million. The three of you should have that valuable time to bond as a family. You don’t need three adults.

[Anonymous]

I would have her come about a week before DH goes back to work. That way you two will have some time to bond as a family and learn the ropes and your DH will get to be the expert on the baby who teaches grandma instead of the reverse. But it gives him a week to get some sleep and run errands and generally gear up for returning to work and it gives you help when you need it most.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, a baby is really not that hard.

Speaking as someone who had c-sections, a spouse who had to go back to work immediately and no living parents to help: Yes, the newborn days were hard.

But that’s not OP’s situation. Her husband is staying home for a whole month.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure your mother will be as "helpful" as you think she's going to be?
She may not be as eager to do all your dirty work (laundry, meals, cleaning) as you might think and more smitten with her grandchild. There have been countless posts asking if Mom or MIL should come postpartum only to read how mom/MIL did nothing but give unsolicited advice, hover, and otherwise be a 3rd wheel.
Just say'n.