Should my mom come to stay for the first month after birth?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my mom is going to come for a month starting when the baby is two weeks old (my first). I really want my husband and I to go through the first few days together, but am realistic enough to know I'm going to want the help

3 adults for a newborn?

why not? sounds lovely! there's not reason that childbirth and post-partum needs to be the exhausting hellscape it is for many moms, especially for the first one. and it's a great chance for grandma to get to spend that time with the baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It always baffles me when people say they want to go through the first days together just as a nuclear family. Those are the worst! I come from a culture where women are looked after by their parents for at least 40 days after childbirth, and I can tell you that it helps you recover much faster. My parents came and stayed with me, looked after all of the cooking, laundry, etc. My husband handled the shopping while he was on paternity leave but once he went back to work I took over that task, but otherwise just being able to rest in between feeding the baby was great.

DP. I think the problem is precisely that we don't have the culture of supporting the new mother. When I tried to have my MIL come help a few days after the baby was born, it was terrible. We weren't used to living with her, and we had no cultural context for the things she was supposed to do and I was supposed to do. This may be a MIL-DIL issue as well (my biological mother is not in the picture). I desperately wanted help, but it ended up being easier in the short term to cope on my own, because my MIL was making it worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my mom is going to come for a month starting when the baby is two weeks old (my first). I really want my husband and I to go through the first few days together, but am realistic enough to know I'm going to want the help

3 adults for a newborn?

why not? sounds lovely! there's not reason that childbirth and post-partum needs to be the exhausting hellscape it is for many moms, especially for the first one. and it's a great chance for grandma to get to spend that time with the baby.

+ 1

It’s actually two adults for a newborn and a mother who just went through a serious medical event...

[Anonymous]

I am on t.he flip side, I needed a lot of alone time to bond with baby. I felt having a third adult around interfered with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. My parents came to help out and stayed for 6 months for the first baby and it was glorious. My DH and I, both cried when they went back.

Depends though on what kind of people your parents are and what is the family dynamics. We are very close knit family and my parents and DH are very fond of each other. My parents were super helpful and we have a big enough house. We also are very functional and we'll adjusted people and there is a lot of respect for each other.

If you have a DCUM dysfunctional family...you should avoid.

will you adopt me?

[Anonymous]

My parents stayed on for a year because my ILs were not able to come. We have been lucky and my siblings and I have always had both sets of grandparents who have helped out majorly after child birth and anytime support was needed ...education, career, child raising, illness etc. I love my culture where this is the norm.

[Anonymous]

No. Why do you need three adults for one baby. If you and YOUR DH can't take care of your child then you shouldn't have had it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, a baby is really not that hard.

I'm going to assume you had an easy baby. My second DD is very easy - started sleeping through the night at 3 weeks, no colic, no reflux, happy all the time, breastfeeding went well, naps like clockwork, etc.
My first DD nearly broke my DH and I. Seriously. She had severe reflux and only slept when held, she nursed every 2 hours around the clock for the first few months, and she had horrible colic and screamed for hours every evening. I ended up with severe PPA/PPD. If it hadn't been for help from our mothers, I honestly don't think I would have survived it.

[Anonymous]

I am of the opinion that most people don’t need a ton of help for a newborn. And I loved having the time just with DH and DD and me figuring things out together. I wasn’t exhausted or overworked- newborns just don’t do that much and DH and I took turns with her at night. Breastfeeding wasn’t difficult for me- I can see it being much harder if you are struggling with bfing.

[Anonymous]

I ended up having a csection and the extra help was great.

[Anonymous]

I would ask her to come 2 weeks after birth. Let your DH gets his hand-on experience and see how hard it can be. Then he will appreciate her help.

[Anonymous]

This is sort of my situation, except my mom is not the easiest to get along with and can be overbearing in an annoying way—she doesn’t know when to stop or back off. I can’t imagine adding her to the stress of a new baby so we are thinking of having them come down to meet the baby right away, then coming back two weeks later. My mom also fears the big bad city so I don’t want to hear all day long about how I need to move for the baby! Now if I could get my MIL to come move in with us...THAT I would take!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have her come out once DH goes back to work.

+1 that what my mom did and it was amazing.

[Anonymous]

The baby will bond with you no matter what. It might be better if she came after DH went to work. There are some very special moments but there are also not special moments which are work. So much depends on what kind of mom you have ! Congrats on the baby !

[Anonymous]

If both you and DH will be on parental leave and this is your only child, you would probably manage. It also depends on how helpful would he be. A lot of the help needed would not be baby related but housekeeping related: cook, clean, do laundry. Especially if you breastfeed, there would be less for your DH to do, beyond burp and change diapers, but you’d want him full force on the cooking, laundry and cleaning. So if he’s the type who can organize and do it, then the two of you will manage fine. If not, then your mom would be very helpful.

Also, how long is DH’s parental leave? Your mom could come after he’s back at work, cause you’d still want support.

In any case, if she doesn’t have limits on how long she can be around, then she could be there from the start.