Should my mom come to stay for the first month after birth?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have her come about a week before DH goes back to work. That way you two will have some time to bond as a family and learn the ropes and your DH will get to be the expert on the baby who teaches grandma instead of the reverse. But it gives him a week to get some sleep and run errands and generally gear up for returning to work and it gives you help when you need it most.

+1

[Anonymous]

I know you already have lots of responses, OP, but I thought I'd add my opinion. My mom was only able to come for a week after my DD was born. I was hormonal so she comforted me. She also cooked, which I appreciated very much. We spent a lot of time just laying around holding the baby, chatting and eating. I really enjoyed that time.

My DH took off a couple of months when I went back to work. That was his bonding time with DD. He taught her to take a bottle and developed his own routine wiht her.

It's up to you but I'd definitely want my mom there. I don't know if a whole month is necessary when the baby is first born though but it would be nice.

[Anonymous]

Yes, but I'd have her help with other stuff than baby. Most grandparents know nothing about healthy sleep habits for newborns and instill really bad habits. I had a doula through Balanced Bellies and my mom, if it weren't for my doula my baby girl would have never slept in her crib and through the night by 6 weeks.

[Anonymous]

100%

[Anonymous]

Nothing magical about the first few days. Get your mom to come, you will be tired and she will be a great help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, a baby is really not that hard.

Such an American attitude. Grandmas come to visit, not to help with the baby but to help the mother recover. Read up on Asian culture. We do it the RIGHT way.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely, I am Indian and it is customary for the mother to have a month of doing absolutely nothing outside of caring for the baby and herself after the baby is born. My mom came and cooked for us, helped around the house, helped with the baby at night, and all around pampered me (and with my second child, helped with my first). It was amazing. If you don't have a caring mom, then don't do it, but in my culture, this is grandma's job. The new mother shouldn't have to lift a finger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It always baffles me when people say they want to go through the first days together just as a nuclear family. Those are the worst! I come from a culture where women are looked after by their parents for at least 40 days after childbirth, and I can tell you that it helps you recover much faster. My parents came and stayed with me, looked after all of the cooking, laundry, etc. My husband handled the shopping while he was on paternity leave but once he went back to work I took over that task, but otherwise just being able to rest in between feeding the baby was great.

Don’t you think DH would step up more without the help? If things are relatively easy during the first month, I’m concerned that he’ll underestimate how hard it is for me alone once he goes back to work. Plus he’ll be used to not doing the things my mom would help with for the first month and once he’s back to work, I would have to take over those tasks. Whereas if he did them from the start, he would at least know how much more I would have to take on once he’s away

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but I'd have her help with other stuff than baby. Most grandparents know nothing about healthy sleep habits for newborns and instill really bad habits. I had a doula through Balanced Bellies and my mom, if it weren't for my doula my baby girl would have never slept in her crib and through the night by 6 weeks.

Since you revived this thread, please describe how your doula helped you get your baby to sleep in a crib and through the night. I'm on my 3rd child and still haven't figured this out. Sadly, can't afford a doula.

Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A co-worker from China send her baby to her husband's family back in China for the first year. She was not happy about it.

OMG are you friends with Frugal Asian Finance? https://frugalasianfinance.com/2017/06/28/sent-our-baby-to-china/

That is thoroughly messed up. I have 3 and we've never had family help, and if they offered to take a baby way from me I would never speak to them again.

It's fine if you don't understand it and it's not something you would do, but you don't need to insult other cultures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow I can't believe the number of woman that can't givebirth and take care of baby themselves.

Why do it alone when you can have someone come help and take care of you? I don't understand why you wouldn't want the help - you must be such a bitch if your family doesn't want to come help you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is fascinating. I thought we modern women were supposed to be tougher than this.

OP it will be harder when baby becomes mobile. In any event if you need help, I would wait a few weeks at least when you’re really tired. I had 3rd-and 4th- degree tears with my kids. It sucked but it was manageable. No way I’d have my mom or someone else here to help, because for the rest of my life I’d hear about I HAD to have help / couldn’t handle it alone. Mom would help but it would come at a serious cost. The truth is I could handle it and did. Any additional support would’ve been a nice to have — maybe. Depends on how much of an emotional drain your own mother is (or will be). My mom is the martyr type. YMMV.

Sounds like your mom sucks, my mom is amazing. America is a really weird place - we're one of the only places in the entire world where women are expected to or even WANT to go it alone. I don't understand why you would want to do it alone if you have a loving, caring mother who wants to come help you! How bizarre!!!

[Anonymous]

Why do you need your mom if DH is there? Seriously, it’s not that hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my mom is going to come for a month starting when the baby is two weeks old (my first). I really want my husband and I to go through the first few days together, but am realistic enough to know I'm going to want the help

3 adults for a newborn?

New poster. It’s so easy to forget how hard the first baby is!! I mean in retrospect it should be so easy with one newborn and 2 adults but in reality it was , at least for me, the most exhausting newborn stage of my 3 kids and the one where I needed the most help to feel functional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have her come out once DH goes back to work.

+1 to this.