Should my mom come to stay for the first month after birth?

[Anonymous]

My mom is offering to do this to help out with baby- she would cook for me, clean, help with the newborn. The main downsides I can see are that it may make DH feel less necessary and involved from the get go. We will both be on parental leave that first month and if mom didn’t come, DH would be my main source of support. The other downside is that we have a very small apartment so Mom will have to sleep in the living room, or she will have to rent a room close by, which she is willing to do. I’m not concerned about potential conflict with her so that’s not an issue- she’s extremely sweet and flexible and will be there for me 100%. Main issues are whether its better for DH to be as hands on as possible from the get go and space.

[Anonymous]

Yes. My mom came and it did not make DH feel less needed by any means. It meant we could both take naps! We could focus on the baby, she could help with laundry, meals, etc. We even got to go on a "date" to a coffee shop for 30 minutes (obi pre COVID). I would totally take her up on the offer.

[Anonymous]

I'd ask her to help with all the OTHER things, outside of baby care. Shopping, cooking, cleaning bottles or pump parts, doing a little laundry.

If she holds the baby for a few naps, that'd be awesome too.

But if she is the type who ONLY wants to hold the baby, and won't do anything else, then NO. If she'll help with other stuff, then YES.

You could also have her come out after 2 weeks. By then you both will be rightfully exhausted and your DH will welcome her so he can get a full nights sleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd ask her to help with all the OTHER things, outside of baby care. Shopping, cooking, cleaning bottles or pump parts, doing a little laundry.

If she holds the baby for a few naps, that'd be awesome too.

But if she is the type who ONLY wants to hold the baby, and won't do anything else, then NO. If she'll help with other stuff, then YES.

You could also have her come out after 2 weeks. By then you both will be rightfully exhausted and your DH will welcome her so he can get a full nights sleep.

Yeah I would suggest 2/3 weeks-6/7 weeks timeframe, maybe even month 2. Thats when the adrenaline has worn off and you just need to take a nap.

[Anonymous]

Have her come out once DH goes back to work.

[Anonymous]

my mom is going to come for a month starting when the baby is two weeks old (my first). I really want my husband and I to go through the first few days together, but am realistic enough to know I'm going to want the help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:my mom is going to come for a month starting when the baby is two weeks old (my first). I really want my husband and I to go through the first few days together, but am realistic enough to know I'm going to want the help

3 adults for a newborn?

[Anonymous]

It always baffles me when people say they want to go through the first days together just as a nuclear family. Those are the worst! I come from a culture where women are looked after by their parents for at least 40 days after childbirth, and I can tell you that it helps you recover much faster. My parents came and stayed with me, looked after all of the cooking, laundry, etc. My husband handled the shopping while he was on paternity leave but once he went back to work I took over that task, but otherwise just being able to rest in between feeding the baby was great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It always baffles me when people say they want to go through the first days together just as a nuclear family. Those are the worst! I come from a culture where women are looked after by their parents for at least 40 days after childbirth, and I can tell you that it helps you recover much faster. My parents came and stayed with me, looked after all of the cooking, laundry, etc. My husband handled the shopping while he was on paternity leave but once he went back to work I took over that task, but otherwise just being able to rest in between feeding the baby was great.

Don’t you think DH would step up more without the help? If things are relatively easy during the first month, I’m concerned that he’ll underestimate how hard it is for me alone once he goes back to work. Plus he’ll be used to not doing the things my mom would help with for the first month and once he’s back to work, I would have to take over those tasks. Whereas if he did them from the start, he would at least know how much more I would have to take on once he’s away

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It always baffles me when people say they want to go through the first days together just as a nuclear family. Those are the worst! I come from a culture where women are looked after by their parents for at least 40 days after childbirth, and I can tell you that it helps you recover much faster. My parents came and stayed with me, looked after all of the cooking, laundry, etc. My husband handled the shopping while he was on paternity leave but once he went back to work I took over that task, but otherwise just being able to rest in between feeding the baby was great.

Don’t you think DH would step up more without the help? If things are relatively easy during the first month, I’m concerned that he’ll underestimate how hard it is for me alone once he goes back to work. Plus he’ll be used to not doing the things my mom would help with for the first month and once he’s back to work, I would have to take over those tasks. Whereas if he did them from the start, he would at least know how much more I would have to take on once he’s away

You make it sound like your husband has one brain cell who can't be retrained once set into motion.

[Anonymous]

As long as you don't mind her seeing your boobs. I was topless for at least a month.

I told my DH and Mom-- I take care of baby, DH takes care of me, Mom takes care of house and us. This doesn't mean I took care of baby 24/7, because sometimes in order to take care of me, DH needed to take care of baby. But it helped him realize that he needed to make sure I had food and water.
And my Mom knew to focus on cooking and cleaning and not just holding the baby.

But if I had to do over again, I'd have her wait 1-2 weeks. DH went back to work after 2 weeks and she was here for a little while, but it would've been nice to have her a little bit longer (and not around in the first week or two while we figured things out ourselves.)

[Anonymous]

Have her come! There's more than enough work for you all to do. Probably renting a room nearby is the best choice. You could also consider having your DH take his leave after your mom leaves to extend the time with more help. So he'd just take a day or two off after the birth, and then the whole month after your mom leaves.

[Anonymous]

My mom came AND my DH took 3 months leave with our first.

Unless you’re very lucky there’s usually more than enough work to go around. And my fondest memories are of nursing and going for walks with baby AND DH while my mom cooked and cleaned and did our laundry. If your DH is doing housework, he’s going to be less available to be hands on with the baby.

Also don’t underestimate your recovery, with ice between your legs and clots passing and cramps like labor contractions... oh lord. It was a whole situation every time I had to pee, with the warm spray bottle of water and the pad/ice/creams/sprays between my legs... that’s when DH holds baby or is by your side. Let alone if complications come up and you need to see a lactation consultant or get thrush or mastitis or get bad postpartum hemorrhoids (all things I’ve had over the course of 3 babies). Often the cooking and cleaning and laundry are the LEAST of your worries, but it sure is nice to have them done!

Yes, your mom should come.

[Anonymous]

Yes. My parents came to help out and stayed for 6 months for the first baby and it was glorious. My DH and I, both cried when they went back.

Depends though on what kind of people your parents are and what is the family dynamics. We are very close knit family and my parents and DH are very fond of each other. My parents were super helpful and we have a big enough house. We also are very functional and we'll adjusted people and there is a lot of respect for each other.

If you have a DCUM dysfunctional family...you should avoid.

[Anonymous]

Wow, a baby is really not that hard.