Should my mom come to stay for the first month after birth?

[Anonymous]

A co-worker from China send her baby to her husband's family back in China for the first year. She was not happy about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, a baby is really not that hard.

Speaking as someone who had c-sections, a spouse who had to go back to work immediately and no living parents to help: Yes, the newborn days were hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It always baffles me when people say they want to go through the first days together just as a nuclear family. Those are the worst! I come from a culture where women are looked after by their parents for at least 40 days after childbirth, and I can tell you that it helps you recover much faster. My parents came and stayed with me, looked after all of the cooking, laundry, etc. My husband handled the shopping while he was on paternity leave but once he went back to work I took over that task, but otherwise just being able to rest in between feeding the baby was great.

DP. I think the problem is precisely that we don't have the culture of supporting the new mother. When I tried to have my MIL come help a few days after the baby was born, it was terrible. We weren't used to living with her, and we had no cultural context for the things she was supposed to do and I was supposed to do. This may be a MIL-DIL issue as well (my biological mother is not in the picture). I desperately wanted help, but it ended up being easier in the short term to cope on my own, because my MIL was making it worse.

You were supposed to breastfeed the baby. They MIL was supposed to do everything else as pp mentioned: cooking, laundry, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have her come out once DH goes back to work.

Came here to say this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A co-worker from China send her baby to her husband's family back in China for the first year. She was not happy about it.

OMG are you friends with Frugal Asian Finance? https://frugalasianfinance.com/2017/06/28/sent-our-baby-to-china/

[Anonymous]

I think you should have your mom come after DH goes back. I had a c-section with my first one and my husband and I were just fine when he was home on paternity leave (for 3 weeks). We made some freezer meals beforehand, so that helped, too. I think it's really nice to just have time alone to get to know your baby without interference.

If your mom comes, definitely have her do housework while you take care of baby and DH takes care of baby + you. Don't let your mom hold the baby endlessly while you do other stuff, and make sure DH gets plenty of time with the baby, too. If your mother is at all interfering or making you doubt your instincts or feel insecure, get her out of there ASAP (as nicely as you can).

[Anonymous]

Maybe you and your mum for your leave.
Then you partner stays with the baby for his leave. Then, you will have a parent with the baby for longer at home.

[Anonymous]

I didn't know that I would want my Mom until I went into labor, and really wanted my mother. She flew in (luckily it was something she was able to do)

And I wanted her to stay for awhile. No amount of thinking about this beforehand would have mattered.

[Anonymous]

My Mom came for the first couple weeks but I would not do that again. We have a good relationship and she tried so hard to be helpful but it just didn't work out. For example, she would want to cook for us but she would ask me where every tool and ingredient was in the process. I really needed her to just do it without involving me in every step of the process. She caused me so much stress when I was already having a hard time as a first time Mom. I feel guilty saying this but I was so happy when she left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It always baffles me when people say they want to go through the first days together just as a nuclear family. Those are the worst! I come from a culture where women are looked after by their parents for at least 40 days after childbirth, and I can tell you that it helps you recover much faster. My parents came and stayed with me, looked after all of the cooking, laundry, etc. My husband handled the shopping while he was on paternity leave but once he went back to work I took over that task, but otherwise just being able to rest in between feeding the baby was great.

DP. I think the problem is precisely that we don't have the culture of supporting the new mother. When I tried to have my MIL come help a few days after the baby was born, it was terrible. We weren't used to living with her, and we had no cultural context for the things she was supposed to do and I was supposed to do. This may be a MIL-DIL issue as well (my biological mother is not in the picture). I desperately wanted help, but it ended up being easier in the short term to cope on my own, because my MIL was making it worse.

You were supposed to breastfeed the baby. They MIL was supposed to do everything else as pp mentioned: cooking, laundry, etc.

Nope. What I actually needed was someone to take the baby so I could sleep. And for my MIL to just do what I asked instead of fighting me on every detail! Think, the type of MIL who reflexively argues with you when you request anything be done in a certain way. Some people just are not cut out to be nurturers and helpers, which is totally fine ... just not in the immediate post partum period!

[Anonymous]

Absolutely

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It always baffles me when people say they want to go through the first days together just as a nuclear family. Those are the worst! I come from a culture where women are looked after by their parents for at least 40 days after childbirth, and I can tell you that it helps you recover much faster. My parents came and stayed with me, looked after all of the cooking, laundry, etc. My husband handled the shopping while he was on paternity leave but once he went back to work I took over that task, but otherwise just being able to rest in between feeding the baby was great.

DP. I think the problem is precisely that we don't have the culture of supporting the new mother. When I tried to have my MIL come help a few days after the baby was born, it was terrible. We weren't used to living with her, and we had no cultural context for the things she was supposed to do and I was supposed to do. This may be a MIL-DIL issue as well (my biological mother is not in the picture). I desperately wanted help, but it ended up being easier in the short term to cope on my own, because my MIL was making it worse.

You were supposed to breastfeed the baby. They MIL was supposed to do everything else as pp mentioned: cooking, laundry, etc.

Nope. What I actually needed was someone to take the baby so I could sleep. And for my MIL to just do what I asked instead of fighting me on every detail! Think, the type of MIL who reflexively argues with you when you request anything be done in a certain way. Some people just are not cut out to be nurturers and helpers, which is totally fine ... just not in the immediate post partum period!

Pp, agree and that too. Good god, that was so unhelpful.

[Anonymous]

God. I am so glad for my parents. They came 6 weeks before baby was born. Between 4 adults, we figured out all the organizational stuff before baby was born. More than the logistics, it was their companionship that was fantastic. Also, I did not trust my baby with anyone but my DH and parents.

Thanks to my mom being there I was able to follow the special care for myself and baby postpartum that is common in my culture. My kiddo was given infant massages several times a day by grandma and he loved it!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my mom is going to come for a month starting when the baby is two weeks old (my first). I really want my husband and I to go through the first few days together, but am realistic enough to know I'm going to want the help

3 adults for a newborn?

could you be ruder? I'm excited to bond with my mom and my baby. I've never had a baby, so it'll be nice to have somebody who I love who has been there, done that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A co-worker from China send her baby to her husband's family back in China for the first year. She was not happy about it.

OMG are you friends with Frugal Asian Finance? https://frugalasianfinance.com/2017/06/28/sent-our-baby-to-china/

That is thoroughly messed up. I have 3 and we've never had family help, and if they offered to take a baby way from me I would never speak to them again.