Husbands family entitlement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps it is a cultural thing. Shows you have been accepted.
It is not unusual to ask family members, it is how their society has managed for centuries

OP is not their family though.

I wouldn't pay the whole bill and I am always bothered by entitlement, though I am forgiving of grieving people. But, the whole not being family thing is really strange to me. Part of my family by marriage (my brother's wife and some others) are Hispanic and from Puerto Rico. We would consider these people family and our definition of family would consider others even further removed to be family. I guess some people have a limited definition of what family is.

As a PP said, I'd offer to buy a couple of plane tickets or pay the hotel bill. It takes a lot for someone to ask for help and, since I could, I would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. This seems like a family relationship problem.


1. I am skeptical of this post as it seems designed to say " see non white people are racist too!"

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your writing is very poor. I cant understand it

+1. If you want input, you have to communicate clearly enough for people to grasp the situation.

[Anonymous]

Some of y’all don’t have poor extended family members and it shows. It is ridiculous to expect OP to fund this. These type of family members think we’re all rolling around in our cash every night and the requests never stop once you help. If someone in your family dies and they can’t afford to bury them, yep, help pay. Flying in laws over seas and such? Pssshh no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be like "we can afford four one-way tickets or two round trip tickets."

I think it's weird that people don't plan for deaths. Last weekend I was talking to my dad about how his sister and her husband (my aunt and uncle) are almost 80 and I've set aside $2k for flight and hotel for when they die. He was like "maybe they'll die during quarantine and then you'll just have to do a zoom funeral and it'll save you money."

Um, really? I think that’s MUCH weirder than not planning for people’s deaths.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps it is a cultural thing. Shows you have been accepted.
It is not unusual to ask family members, it is how their society has managed for centuries

OP is not their family though.

I wouldn't pay the whole bill and I am always bothered by entitlement, though I am forgiving of grieving people. But, the whole not being family thing is really strange to me. Part of my family by marriage (my brother's wife and some others) are Hispanic and from Puerto Rico. We would consider these people family and our definition of family would consider others even further removed to be family. I guess some people have a limited definition of what family is.

As a PP said, I'd offer to buy a couple of plane tickets or pay the hotel bill. It takes a lot for someone to ask for help and, since I could, I would.

This. I'd offer to pay two of the $83 plane tickets and tell them that is all you can afford to offer to pay and not think anything more of it. That would cover for BIL and SIL. They would be on their own for the rest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know they make a lot more money than you, and why do they think you have more money than them, and what does race have to do with any of this

There are financial expectations/assumptions of family, even extended, in certain cultures.

God I am glad I was not raised in such a culture. So much entitlement and enmeshment. Gross!

This is absolutely true. Some cultures have absolutely no problem asking other people for money.

I remember when I worked in a restaurant in college, one of the dishwashers (can’t remember exactly where, but he was from one of the islands - Jamaica or such) came out and asked me for money to buy his daughter a computer. Needless to say, I was in college, this was my only job, and I didn’t have much cash, so I was astounded that he asked. I said no. Apparently, in his culture, it’s ok to ask other people for money. Even if you hardly know them.

[Anonymous]

OP, you don’t have to help out these people. And I’m appalled that they expect you to pay because ‘you’re white and you have money’. That is purely racist. You being white does not make you responsible for their expenses. And no, I am not white, if anyone is wondering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a history of them using you for money? Do they want nothing to do with you unless they need something?

OP here. No. We are cordial but we only see them 1-2 times a year. It’s not just for her and my husbands brother. We would do it for them but we will not do it for people we barely know. We are talking about paying for a air fare, hotel, and expenses for like 10 people for a week. No.

You’re being kind of ridiculous. If they treated you poorly, I could understand getting irritated. But a beloved family member died and you’re pissed at them because they want to attend the funeral? Where’s your compassion?

If you can’t afford it, that’s fine. But getting angry and calling them entitled is way over the top.

OP here. So you would find a weeks worth of air fare, hotels, and food expenses for 10 people that you barley know or have never met?

I didn't say you should fund it. I said if you can't, that's fine.

But your reaction is way out of proportion. You say no and move on with your life. You don't stew over it and call people entitled - especially when you've never spent any time with them, so you have no idea if they actually are entitled or not.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'd be offended too. Some wouldn't - that's fine. But I would be really annoyed with SIL. I think you set a precedent by giving them money in the past. No way I'd hand over any money for this. They can figure it out themselves without a hand-out from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a history of them using you for money? Do they want nothing to do with you unless they need something?

I have in laws like this and handle their asks for money like this.

If you say no, it ALWAYS ends with a funeral.

[Anonymous]

They thought it was ok for a brother to ask a brother for money. Your feelings about it are yours and obviously you and your husband share the money. But to them i think it was about asking your husband because he is the brother. Does this help you be less offended? In some families this is acceptable eespecially at a time of death. In some cultures it is typical for people to give money, perhaps they felt desperate op.

[Anonymous]

Wow, some of y'all are shady af. If OP didn't say she was white and inlaw was Hispanic, y'all would absolutely be telling her she has no obligation pay for them, WHICH SHE DOESN'T.

I understand OP. My family is South Asian and when there are certain major expenses back home, we get phone calls for help with expenses. I'm talking from second, third cousins, not just main family members. Sometimes we help, sometimes we don't. It's MY money and if I wanted to give $0, within my right too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, some of y'all are shady af. If OP didn't say she was white and inlaw was Hispanic, y'all would absolutely be telling her she has no obligation pay for them, WHICH SHE DOESN'T.

I understand OP. My family is South Asian and when there are certain major expenses back home, we get phone calls for help with expenses. I'm talking from second, third cousins, not just main family members. Sometimes we help, sometimes we don't. It's MY money and if I wanted to give $0, within my right too.

This x 100
My DH family lives in Europe and they used to think nothing of asking us for money for all kinds of things until they got the point that we weren't footing the bill for weddings, funerals, baptisms, cars, etc.
OP is under NO obligation to pay for her SIL's extended family to go to a funeral. Would all of you piling on to the OP be willing to shell out international airfare for 10 people that you barely know? Flights from DC to PR run about $400 RT. Maybe OP doesn't have an extra 4K just sitting around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you not help them out?

OP here. It’s not our responsibility. We are cordial but only see them 1-2 times a year at holiday parties. We are not paying for 10 people to go to Puerto Rico for a week.

NP. You are entirely correct. They are trying to take advantage. Maintain your boundaries and cease contact if necessary. What a completely inappropriate thing to ask.