Spouses sleeping in separate bedrooms

[Anonymous]

It seems to work for so many PPs, but it’s totally valid if you don’t like it OP. We all have different needs and I wouldn’t like it either. Sharing a marital bed is important to me, increases intimacy and connection for me, and I don’t like being alone when I sleep. That’s half the reason I got married, sleepover buddy for life!

Early on in our marriage my husband became cavalier with falling asleep on the couch and not coming to bed, deciding to sleep on the couch because he was too hot or uncomfortable or whatever. Every once in a while is nbd, everybody has off nights, but it became a slippery slope where eventually I was spending more nights alone than not. I basically said that absent medical issues or severe snoring that was a dealbreaker for me and we would need to problem solve any issues that cause us to sleep apart—wear earplugs, get a portable AC in the room, buy a bigger or better bed, get a sleep study, whatever. I drew a pretty hard line and would have considered divorce over it (no kids yet). It hasn’t been much of an issue since and hope it won’t be for a long time at least.

I don’t know what I would do in your shoes; I would be very unhappy too but this is a long entrenched practice for you guys after 8 years! Is there anything you can do to make it easier for him to sleep in bed with you? Is he open to trying?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I sleep in the guest room because: a) I sleep better; and b) I can masturbate in peace.

I used to endure the trouble I have falling asleep in the hopes that being in the bedroom would help our sex life. But it didn't. (Once every 4-6 weeks before, same after.)

I know my wife would like me to sleep in bed with her, but overall our marriage is better if I'm better rested & not sexually frustrated.

Wow, this is so dead on to my marriage I thought I wrote it. I tried to make it a habit of going back to sleep with my wife but all it led to was sexual frustration a d resentment. So back to the guest room for me

In all seriousness, this is exactly it. My DW and I have had issues with sex lately to the point where I'm lucky if it happens 1x month. She's borderline asexual and never initiates. Going to bed is fraught with issues - it's depressing/frustrating getting into bed with her b/c there is no chance for sex even when I'm crazy for her. I can see how sleeping in a guest bedroom would help in that regard but it's certainly not a long term solution

^^ all 3 of you PPs: Your problem isn't your choice of bedrooms. Your problem is calling somebody a "wife" who doesn't want sex with you. The proper word for that is a "room mate". And the normal/healthy solution to sexual frustration is then you go find a "girlfriend".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I sleep in the guest room because: a) I sleep better; and b) I can masturbate in peace.

I used to endure the trouble I have falling asleep in the hopes that being in the bedroom would help our sex life. But it didn't. (Once every 4-6 weeks before, same after.)

I know my wife would like me to sleep in bed with her, but overall our marriage is better if I'm better rested & not sexually frustrated.

Wow, this is so dead on to my marriage I thought I wrote it. I tried to make it a habit of going back to sleep with my wife but all it led to was sexual frustration a d resentment. So back to the guest room for me

In all seriousness, this is exactly it. My DW and I have had issues with sex lately to the point where I'm lucky if it happens 1x month. She's borderline asexual and never initiates. Going to bed is fraught with issues - it's depressing/frustrating getting into bed with her b/c there is no chance for sex even when I'm crazy for her. I can see how sleeping in a guest bedroom would help in that regard but it's certainly not a long term solution

^^ all 3 of you PPs: Your problem isn't your choice of bedrooms. Your problem is calling somebody a "wife" who doesn't want sex with you. The proper word for that is a "room mate". And the normal/healthy solution to sexual frustration is then you go find a "girlfriend".

I'm one of the PPs - you're wrong. I was pretty unhappy for awhile there, but now I'm in my 50s and my libido isn't so urgent. I'm pretty content with my wife and intact family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I sleep in the guest room because: a) I sleep better; and b) I can masturbate in peace.

I used to endure the trouble I have falling asleep in the hopes that being in the bedroom would help our sex life. But it didn't. (Once every 4-6 weeks before, same after.)

I know my wife would like me to sleep in bed with her, but overall our marriage is better if I'm better rested & not sexually frustrated.

Wow, this is so dead on to my marriage I thought I wrote it. I tried to make it a habit of going back to sleep with my wife but all it led to was sexual frustration a d resentment. So back to the guest room for me

In all seriousness, this is exactly it. My DW and I have had issues with sex lately to the point where I'm lucky if it happens 1x month. She's borderline asexual and never initiates. Going to bed is fraught with issues - it's depressing/frustrating getting into bed with her b/c there is no chance for sex even when I'm crazy for her. I can see how sleeping in a guest bedroom would help in that regard but it's certainly not a long term solution

^^ all 3 of you PPs: Your problem isn't your choice of bedrooms. Your problem is calling somebody a "wife" who doesn't want sex with you. The proper word for that is a "room mate". And the normal/healthy solution to sexual frustration is then you go find a "girlfriend".

I'm one of the PPs - you're wrong. I was pretty unhappy for awhile there, but now I'm in my 50s and my libido isn't so urgent. I'm pretty content with my wife and intact family.

I am another of the PPs. I had an affair, and I can tell you they are not all fun and roses. If all you are looking for is sex, it's a massive headache with all the sneaking around and the constant disappointed AP who always wants more from you.

I am late 40s and like PP said my libido has slowed from sex being an obsession to it just being a need and not worth cheating over. Perhaps we amicably divorce at some point if we can't find a compromise but my wife is very content with celibacy

[Anonymous]

Out of curiosity, I have a question for men in sexless marriages. Since your wives deny you intimacy, are they struggling with issues such as personal hygiene or poor body odour? I know some women who struggle with hygiene/ poor BO and they refuse intimacy because they don't want their husband's to get repulsed. In addition, their clothes are frumpy. Do your wives perhaps fit that description?

[Anonymous]

Once in awhile I like sleeping alone so I can watch late night TV or read but I really love having my husband next to me. It’s not just about sex but it is about comfort and companionship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Out of curiosity, I have a question for men in sexless marriages. Since your wives deny you intimacy, are they struggling with issues such as personal hygiene or poor body odour? I know some women who struggle with hygiene/ poor BO and they refuse intimacy because they don't want their husband's to get repulsed. In addition, their clothes are frumpy. Do your wives perhaps fit that description?

None of those issues and she is far from frumpy. She just says that sex doesn’t do for her what it once did and it’s not about being bored with me sexually after 25 years. Other than the lack of sex she is a very good wife which must sound crazy. She knows that I have a FWB and other than that I’m a good husband to her and we always sleep in the same bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Out of curiosity, I have a question for men in sexless marriages. Since your wives deny you intimacy, are they struggling with issues such as personal hygiene or poor body odour? I know some women who struggle with hygiene/ poor BO and they refuse intimacy because they don't want their husband's to get repulsed. In addition, their clothes are frumpy. Do your wives perhaps fit that description?

I think my wife is very attractive, but she is overweight and really struggles with her own body image. She's told me that part of the reason she struggles with sex is that she's horrified at the idea of me looking at her naked body. Doesn't really matter how often I tell her I like looking at her -- it's about her relationship with herself, not about me.

[Anonymous]

I don’t see why it COULDN’T work, if both partners are happy with the arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Out of curiosity, I have a question for men in sexless marriages. Since your wives deny you intimacy, are they struggling with issues such as personal hygiene or poor body odour? I know some women who struggle with hygiene/ poor BO and they refuse intimacy because they don't want their husband's to get repulsed. In addition, their clothes are frumpy. Do your wives perhaps fit that description?

Nope, my wife is in excellent shape and flirty and healthy. Looks great. Not on birth control, kids are older. She just has zero sex drive or at least none for me. She doesn't masturbate either

[Anonymous]

I appreciate the replies from the men who answered my question about sexless marriages. I'm really sorry about your situations and hope things improves between your wives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I appreciate the replies from the men who answered my question about sexless marriages. I'm really sorry about your situations and hope things improves between your wives.

Thanks, it is what it is. It's not going to improve. I used to hold out hope that after the infant, toddler, elementary school years, etc it would improve but it hasn't, it's gotten worse. Even after she got off BC, still worse.

There is this perception that some people just get fat or there are issues in the marriage but some people really just lose their drive and it's no one's fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I appreciate the replies from the men who answered my question about sexless marriages. I'm really sorry about your situations and hope things improves between your wives.

Thanks, it is what it is. It's not going to improve. I used to hold out hope that after the infant, toddler, elementary school years, etc it would improve but it hasn't, it's gotten worse. Even after she got off BC, still worse.

There is this perception that some people just get fat or there are issues in the marriage but some people really just lose their drive and it's no one's fault.

+1. Similar situation. It's far from ideal, but my marriage has a lot of positives that offset the minimal sex to some degree. You take the good with the bad. I think it's important for people to understand that sometimes it's a less than pleasant part of marriage that can happen without anyone being particularly at fault. It's easy to perceive lack of sexual interest by a spouse as an act of malice or as commentary on one's own worth. And sometimes it is that! But other times, it's just not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I appreciate the replies from the men who answered my question about sexless marriages. I'm really sorry about your situations and hope things improves between your wives.

Thanks, it is what it is. It's not going to improve. I used to hold out hope that after the infant, toddler, elementary school years, etc it would improve but it hasn't, it's gotten worse. Even after she got off BC, still worse.

There is this perception that some people just get fat or there are issues in the marriage but some people really just lose their drive and it's no one's fault.

+1. Similar situation. It's far from ideal, but my marriage has a lot of positives that offset the minimal sex to some degree. You take the good with the bad. I think it's important for people to understand that sometimes it's a less than pleasant part of marriage that can happen without anyone being particularly at fault. It's easy to perceive lack of sexual interest by a spouse as an act of malice or as commentary on one's own worth. And sometimes it is that! But other times, it's just not.

We are in our late 50’s and my wife and I still have sex once and sometimes twice a week. She definitely seems to enjoy it and she will initiate maybe 25% of the time. If if it’s pity or obligation sex she is good at faking it but regardless I enjoy it. I’m certainly not going to ask her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this often? We are in early forties, have been sleeping apart 8 years now. I hate it. DH can't sleep well at night. Our sex life has never been great but last 2 years or so got really bad. I am in great shape and he loves me a lot. He is a loyal husband but I hate this arrangement.

Anyone sleeping in separate bedrooms and happily married?

Yes we do but our marriage is great. DH tosses all night in his sleep and has a CPAP.