Adult to Adult: Is saying "I'm proud of you" condescending?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You'd never say "I'm proud of you!" to the CEO of a successful company when they achieve something new. It's something you say when you don't really respect the person or you're above them in an obvious way (e.g. parent or boss).

I would if the CEO was my friend, which was the context of the OP. Of course you wouldn’t say it to your boss.

+1 I don't say it to random people, co-workres, or acquaintances, but to my actual friends? Yes. I actually have a friend who is a specialized cardiologist and way more accomplished than I am (I didn't graduate college). She just achieved a career goal and I absolutely told her I was proud of her. I know how hard she worked to reach this goal and it was a long and hard road.

[Anonymous]

If you understand the meaning of the word, proud, you would understand why it doesn't make sense and why it is condescending to tell people you're proud of their accomplishments. In some circumstances, a parent can be proud of a child's accomplishments, or maybe a boss or mentor of a mentee. But to be proud of someone else's accomplishments implies that you had something to do with it. Friends can be happy for each others' accomplisments, or impressed, etc. Or they can be proud to be friends of such accomplished people, but one cannot be proud of someone else and what they have achieved. Being proud refers only to one's self. I can't believe how many people here don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Perfectly fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you understand the meaning of the word, proud, you would understand why it doesn't make sense and why it is condescending to tell people you're proud of their accomplishments. In some circumstances, a parent can be proud of a child's accomplishments, or maybe a boss or mentor of a mentee. But to be proud of someone else's accomplishments implies that you had something to do with it. Friends can be happy for each others' accomplisments, or impressed, etc. Or they can be proud to be friends of such accomplished people, but one cannot be proud of someone else and what they have achieved. Being proud refers only to one's self. I can't believe how many people here don't get it.

What you don’t get is that language and culture evolve to mean what people want it to mean. Think of the evolution of the word “nice” over a century, for example.

[Anonymous]

When friends say this, it is with affection.

Like, "I am proud to know you."

"I am proud of (i.e. admire) the hard work that got you here."

I think your question is odd.

[Anonymous]

In a work setting, I might be more likely to say, "You should be so proud of yourself/that accomplishment."

With someone I know well/a friend, I will often so, "I am so proud of you."

Because you know the back story. You knew them when...and now this!

[Anonymous]

I generally think this is normal and fine and have said it myself to friends, siblings, even coworkers I’m close to where I knew how hard they’d worked to achieve something and wanted to express that I knew how much they’d earned it.

BUT

I have had a couple people say it to me where it felt really weird. It’s a really familiar thing to say to someone, and I can think if two people (one a supervisor and the other a colleague) who said this to me with some frequency and I hated it. It felt like they were saying it to position themselves as wiser and further along the path of life than me, and it just made me want to roll my eyes. I remember the supervisor saying she was proud of me when I got married, for instance. I think she felt as someone who has been married for a while, it was her role to bring me along or something. But (1) we were colleagues and not friends and she has zero to do with my personal life, and (2) getting married is a milestone but not really something you earn, I could see a parent being proud in that situation but otherwise it’s a “happy for you” occasion.

So I could imagine other situations where it would be equally weird. Very context dependent and probably not something you should say unless you are confident that the other person will take it as a compliment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perfectly fine.

Perfectly racist, if a white says it to a BIPOC person.

[Anonymous]

I do think it’s a bit awkward. But sometimes a friend does something so great you just can’t help but say you are proud of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not condescending. Sounds like you might be carrying a ton of your own baggage/insecurities.

I’m proud of many of my friends for different things.

No baggage, I'm just accustomed to hearing it or saying it from a place of authority. From a peer, it comes across as patronizing. "I'm so happy for you!" seems good enough to convey the congratulatory message of glee.

But the two mean slightly different things.

Being proud of someone is acknowledging that they have made an achievement. It's is recognition of an accomplishment. Being happy for someone is pleasure for them. You can be happy that someone is going on vacation or someone got lucky or had something good happen to them that they had no effect. Being proud is noticing that they put in some work or effort and achieved a good result from their work/effort. They mean different things.

And for those who think that there is some sort of class, power or level distinction implied by being proud for someone, the dictionary does not note any such inequities. Additionaly, for those who think that only the individual can be proud of themselves, the dictionary also recognizes that one can be proud of someone that one is closely associated with.

proud
/proud/
Learn to pronounce
adjective
1.
feeling deep pleasure or satisfaction as a result of one's own achievements, qualities, or possessions or those of someone with whom one is closely associated.
"a proud grandma of three boys"

I regularly use the phrase to acknowledge that someone's work paid off and gave them a good return. It's a compliment. Those who think that it is not, need to revise their understanding of the word and phrase.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perfectly fine.

Perfectly racist, if a white says it to a BIPOC person.

Not necessarily. It can be in some situations, but not all. Yes, it can be when there is an adversarial or inequal level between the two and the implications are that the actual good result was not achieved, but there are many cases where people of different races, even whites to minorities, where it doesn't have that connotation.

Context is everything in these situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perfectly fine.

Perfectly racist, if a white says it to a BIPOC person.

PP you replied to. SPARE ME. I'm a mixed-race person, and I reject your so-race-sensitive-I'm-actually-racist worldview.

Most humans are well-meaning and kind. Sometimes their words don't adequately reflect their sentiments. Learn to read the heart and not the words. You won't find yourself in perpetual agony over every little thing that comes out of people's mouths...

[Anonymous]

No! My friends and I say this regularly to each other, in response to accomplishments. Why would it be condescending?

I swear some people just look for reasons to be upset. So strange.

[Anonymous]

Good Lord - someone makes a positive, affirming statement and you’re looking for some reason to take offense? Stop overthinking random comments, assume the best with their intent.

[Anonymous]

I love you and I am proud of you.