Adult to Adult: Is saying "I'm proud of you" condescending?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ excellent point

Hey go ahead and say, "I'm so proud of you!" to a Boss
and see how that's received.

Yep. No one would say this to a CEO-- not even the most tone deaf amongst us. You'd say something like I'm proud to work for such an insightful boss who knows what direction to take our company.

There are a lot of things I wouldn't say to some bosses that I would say to someone I have a more collegial or more personal relationship with. It all depends on the relationship between the two and not necessarily their role or position. If the CEO of my organization, someone I only know professionally, where to discuss the challenges he overcame to achieve and maintain sobriety, I would absolutely tell him I am proud of him. Substance abuse is an equal opportunity destroyer and transcends professional roles. It's a personal achievement even if the support of others helped. By the time someone is a CEO, knocking a presentation out of the park is what is expected.

[Anonymous]

Mom has late stage alzheimers. When I say "I'm proud of you" after she walks from the bedroom to the kitchen for breakfast she smiles and beams.

Life is tough. Who does not like a compliment?

[Anonymous]

I don't think so, no. Hey, I appreciate hearing it sometimes.

[Anonymous]

You'd never say "I'm proud of you!" to the CEO of a successful company when they achieve something new. It's something you say when you don't really respect the person or you're above them in an obvious way (e.g. parent or boss).

I would if the CEO was my friend, which was the context of the OP. Of course you wouldn’t say it to your boss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom has late stage alzheimers. When I say "I'm proud of you" after she walks from the bedroom to the kitchen for breakfast she smiles and beams.

Life is tough. Who does not like a compliment?

I loved this.

OP, I have always felt the wording was odd just as you apparently do. However, it seems to be offered in good will almost all the time, and I don't look for trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel weird saying it to adult friends but sometimes I AM so proud of them for something they did.

Impressed would be the more befitting word. Impressed shows admiration or respect. "I'm proud of you" is very paternal.

Yes better word. It actually hard to congratulate adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You'd never say "I'm proud of you!" to the CEO of a successful company when they achieve something new. It's something you say when you don't really respect the person or you're above them in an obvious way (e.g. parent or boss).

I would if the CEO was my friend, which was the context of the OP. Of course you wouldn’t say it to your boss.

Same. I also heard someone recently tell an A-gamer that she bet his wife and kids were very proud of him. The man literally BEAMED at her he was so pleased with her compliment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom has late stage alzheimers. When I say "I'm proud of you" after she walks from the bedroom to the kitchen for breakfast she smiles and beams.

Life is tough. Who does not like a compliment?

Oh that's super sweet. Hugs to you and your mom!

[Anonymous]

What a crappy thing to find condescending!

I think it’s a very kind, if somewhat intimate, thing to say, and I say it to my husband and sisters and closest girlfriend, and they say it to me.

[Anonymous]

About the CEO comment, a friend worked on the Hill and he said to his boss, "I'm proud of you, Senator". This after a tough vote. Maybe this is somehow different because an elected official is suppose to be representing us - they should wish for us to be proud of them. Maybe if there is a moral component, it's different?

But I agree, you would not say "proud of you" to an ordinary boss.

[Anonymous]

It's only condescending if it's condescending. Not because an adult said it to another adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's only condescending if it's condescending. Not because an adult said it to another adult.

+1

I think it's situationally dependent, but if it read as condescending to OP (who actually knows the people involved and the situation), there's a good chance it was.

But since one friend said it to another friend, I also chalk this up to "none of your business." I had a friend once who was super condescending in this exact manner. She treated everyone in our friend group like a child who needed her approval. When she said "I'm proud of you." what she meant was "I'm so glad you are finally doing what I've been telling you to do all along." I hated it, but I learned that not everyone did. A lot of people in that group liked that dynamic and didn't mind that this woman was being condescending. So now I'm not friends with them and I'm sure she's still condescending to the others, but hey, that's their problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why we say, “I am very happy for you!” They are the one to feel proud…it was THEIR accomplishment. If you had a hand in that success then I think it is ok to say, “I am so proud of you” as it does imply that the speaker played a part. It makes sense for a mentor or parent to say this, or a friend or other who served in some coaching role.

Otherwise, if you don’t fit into any of the aforesaid categories, the correct response would be “ YOU should be proud of yourself!” Saying “I’m proud of you” when you weren’t a part of the investing is cringe-worthy.

+1

You'd never say "I'm proud of you!" to the CEO of a successful company when they achieve something new. It's something you say when you don't really respect the person or you're above them in an obvious way (e.g. parent or boss).

+2 ABSOLUTELY

It's condescending because if you are prideful of someone for an accomplishment, it suggests that you had a hand in the achieving the outcome. A teacher says this to a student who has done well on a test after she assisted teaching them difficult material. A parent says this to a child when they have committed an unprompted act of kindness, because it was a result of a good upbringing. For a friend or acquaintance to say this, it seems like they're inserting themselves, taking credit, and giving themself the authority to pass a judgement on the outcome instead of acknowledging how your hard work and actions have brought about an outcome. Maybe it's not intended to be infantilizing, but there are many better ways to express a congratulations that doesn’t insert yourself into their moment.

Also the phrase “I’m proud of you” shifts the focus away from the person you are feeling pride for, and makes it about how you are feeling. There are better phrases like “Congratulations” or “that’s amazing” or “you worked so hard and you deserved this!”

Glad I found a thread of people who understand this -- it's been irking me like crazy and now I know why

[Anonymous]

Not just condescending, it’s racist when a white says it to any BIPOC person.

[Anonymous]

It's condescending to tell another adult you're proud of them for buckling their seatbelt or not spilling their drink.

It's not condescending (on inappropriate) to be proud of another adult for achieving a milestone, getting a promotion, running a marathon, etc.