Adult to Adult: Is saying "I'm proud of you" condescending?

[Anonymous]

A friend just achieved a milestone. Another friend said "I am so proud of you, Larla!" in a group email. I'm sure she meant no harm but it came across as condescending to me. "I'm proud of you!" is what parents say to children, or what the coach says to the player, or what you say to somebody who has maintained sobriety. Peer to peer comes across as condescending.

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

I've recently had several personal accomplishments and have never taken "I'm so proud of you" to be condescending

[Anonymous]

Not condescending.

[Anonymous]

I probably wouldn't say it for every accomplishment but I can certainly see times when it would be appropriate.

If you say it to someone who maintains sobriety why wouldn't you say it to someone who achieved another milestone? Do you think recovering alcoholics are not your peers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend just achieved a milestone. Another friend said "I am so proud of you, Larla!" in a group email. I'm sure she meant no harm but it came across as condescending to me. "I'm proud of you!" is what parents say to children, or what the coach says to the player, or what you say to somebody who has maintained sobriety. Peer to peer comes across as condescending.

Thoughts?

Depends on the nature of the friendship. Also if you tweak a word or two, it may come across less condescending.

Examples:
I am so proud for you!
I am so happy for you!

Usually people who find it condescending think the person saying it is probably an arrogant person.

[Anonymous]

No, you're being paranoid and over-sensitive.

[Anonymous]

Not condescending. Sounds like you might be carrying a ton of your own baggage/insecurities.

I’m proud of many of my friends for different things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not condescending. Sounds like you might be carrying a ton of your own baggage/insecurities.

I’m proud of many of my friends for different things.

No baggage, I'm just accustomed to hearing it or saying it from a place of authority. From a peer, it comes across as patronizing. "I'm so happy for you!" seems good enough to convey the congratulatory message of glee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not condescending. Sounds like you might be carrying a ton of your own baggage/insecurities.

I’m proud of many of my friends for different things.

No baggage, I'm just accustomed to hearing it or saying it from a place of authority. From a peer, it comes across as patronizing. "I'm so happy for you!" seems good enough to convey the congratulatory message of glee.

NP. But the message isn't "glee." Being proud of someone is not teally the same thing as being happy for them. The two things of course can coexist but the terms refer to different things. I'm proud my friend stood up for her beliefs when she was challenged for going to a protest. I'm happy same friend was able to see her mom at her sick mom's (entirely virtual!) birthday party. Not the greatest examples, but you get the point--? I might be both proud and happy if my spouse gets a promotion -- proud of the fact the hard work got recognized, happy that spouse is pleased. Etc.

[Anonymous]

I guess it depends on the friendship. I never take it to be patronizing, especially when it comes from a friend who knows I struggle with the particular thing I just did.

[Anonymous]

I’m sincerely proud of my friends and family for their accomplishments. What comes from a sincere and genuine place can’t be condescending, in my opinion. And I’m very touched when people I care about express that they are proud of me.

It just goes to show you - people are so vastly different in the perceptions. If someone takes offense to something I express with sincerity and the best intentions, I’m just not going to twist myself into a pretzel worrying about it.

[Anonymous]

On Tuesday, November 3, I will tell my friend Joe that I am very proud of him. I will tell him that immediately after his victory is declared. I hope he doesn't find me condescending!

[Anonymous]

I use it all the time. It seems less clumsy than “I imagine you must be very proud and because I empathize, I feel pride on your behalf as well.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I use it all the time. It seems less clumsy than “I imagine you must be very proud and because I empathize, I feel pride on your behalf as well.”

OMG. LOL. Thanks!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I use it all the time. It seems less clumsy than “I imagine you must be very proud and because I empathize, I feel pride on your behalf as well.”

OMG. LOL. Thanks!!!

+1 hahahaha