Adult to Adult: Is saying "I'm proud of you" condescending?

[Anonymous]

I do think it can have a condescending connotation, if the person saying it is not that close. Like if a dear friend I've known for years, and who is very familiar with what it took to accomplish something, says "I'm proud of you," I don't find it condescending at all. If it's someone I don't know that well, or who maybe I only met recently and doesn't actually understand the background of how that milestone came to be, I find it maybe presumptuous, and possibly condescending.

I also think almost anything can be said condescendingly, so of course "I'm proud of you" could be. It could be said earnestly, sarcastically, condescendingly, adoringly, etc. It depends on the people involved, the tone it's said with, the context.

The idea that it's always a supportive or kind statement ignores the fact that people can be weird jerks who ruin everything sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Depends on context. Someone earning something they’ve worked for - a “proud of you” is well warranted because you’re acknowledging they’ve put in effort

[Anonymous]

I think it is a little odd. Why does that person feel pride for your accomplishments?

Parents feel pride because they are raising the kids. Coaches feel pride because they are coaching. Pride makes sense as they have contributed to the achievement. If you contributed to the success, then being proud of it and the person who achieved it with your time, money, support, instruction, etc makes sense.

A friend saying it. Why? What have they done to feel a sense of pride in what I do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is a little odd. Why does that person feel pride for your accomplishments?

Parents feel pride because they are raising the kids. Coaches feel pride because they are coaching. Pride makes sense as they have contributed to the achievement. If you contributed to the success, then being proud of it and the person who achieved it with your time, money, support, instruction, etc makes sense.

A friend saying it. Why? What have they done to feel a sense of pride in what I do?

Agree with this. It does kind of sound like a pat on the head. I think in context it could make sense -- say a friend you'd consulted when work was really tough and discussed maybe changing jobs or departments because you were frustrated or burnt out, that person might be proud of you for sticking it out and getting the promotion after coming close to quitting. Especially if they'd advised you to stick with it.

But just a regular friend who doesn't know the ins and outs of your job and played no role whatsoever in you getting the promotion? It sounds or too proprietary.

[Anonymous]

Not at all

[Anonymous]

It's a relative status thing.

Being proud of someone with higher status is sycophantic.

Being proud of someone with lower status is patronizing... which is fine, if you are their patron (boss coach, teacher, parent).

Most people are just using the words without thinking much about it.

You when your peer is proud of you, it makes them looks like they think they are above you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you understand the meaning of the word, proud, you would understand why it doesn't make sense and why it is condescending to tell people you're proud of their accomplishments. In some circumstances, a parent can be proud of a child's accomplishments, or maybe a boss or mentor of a mentee. But to be proud of someone else's accomplishments implies that you had something to do with it. Friends can be happy for each others' accomplisments, or impressed, etc. Or they can be proud to be friends of such accomplished people, but one cannot be proud of someone else and what they have achieved. Being proud refers only to one's self. I can't believe how many people here don't get it.

BIRGing. Basking In Reflected Glory.
People are proud when their champion wins. (Parent, sports hero, anyone star they've hitched their wagon to).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend just achieved a milestone. Another friend said "I am so proud of you, Larla!" in a group email. I'm sure she meant no harm but it came across as condescending to me. "I'm proud of you!" is what parents say to children, or what the coach says to the player, or what you say to somebody who has maintained sobriety. Peer to peer comes across as condescending.

Thoughts?

At work, or among personal friends?
Personal friends, with a close bond, are like parents and coaches, but mutual.

[Anonymous]

I say it all the time. I think fellow adults need to know that others are proud of them, because life is hard and stressful much of the time. When I say it, it's sincere.

[Anonymous]

Say “you should be so proud of yourself” instead.

[Anonymous]

This phrase should be banned frim modern speech because it is never OK to be condescending, even to children. You should simply acknowledge that they achieved the goal with a polite grunt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Say “you should be so proud of yourself” instead.

Yes, this is closer to what I would say. "You must be proud" or "you deserve to feel proud " I agree with other PPs that unless you played some role in the accomplishment, it's weird to claim pride over it.

[Anonymous]

I have never thought twice about it. Not condescending. I loathe how people can turn around a positive sentiment and think the worst of people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Say “you should be so proud of yourself” instead.

Yes, I say this. “You should be proud of yourself. That’s a big accomplishment.”

I don’t like I’m so proud of you. Makes it sound like the compliment giver had some role in the accomplishment.

[Anonymous]

It is paternalistic and not effective in a work environment. This is taught in many leadership programs.