Resentful that ILs only want to help DH’s son and not mine

[Anonymous]

OP how old was you son when you married you husband? How often does your son interact with his step grandparents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can be gracious and say that while you appreciate the offer, it would be problematic to treat the two brothers differently, so you will sort it out on your own with both of them.

Or you could accept the money with a grateful thank-you, and use it to offset the money you will spend toward the other young man's tuition.

Those are your options.

It is sad to me that the grandparents are so craven.

If the child ever wondered if relatives (on the husband's side) loved them both the same...they have their answer.

I think the husband should say this is awkward and inconsiderate to the other child. He can ask if they could give it as a blanket gift to the family's college expenses or turn it down.

The statement needs to be made that all the children in the family are solidly in the family, not some netherland of relationship.

Unfortunately, DH's son is not OP's son, and conversely, OP's son isn not DH's. It's unfortunate the DH's parents won't pay for OP's son's college education, but I don't see it as realistic that DH would turn down an opportunity for his son to make it fair for the stepson.

What I would hope at least, is the DH will help pay for OP's son's education since OP is saying she has helped raise his son. But my guess is that the writing has been on the wall regarding DH all along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your husband say?

Nothing. He’s just happy that his son wants to maintain this family tradition but is disinterested in my son’s future. My son’s bio dad isn’t in the picture and he has no living grandparents. The only grandparents he knows are DH’s parents and they are nice to him but it’s obvious they love their own grandson while taking a polite interest in my son. What hurts is that I cooked, cleaned, tutored and took care of both kids for many years but there’s no acknowledgement for my role in their grandson’s success and no acknowledgement for my son either.

Your husband is disinterested in his stepson’s future? Lady, THAT is what you need to be posting about. Forget the grandparents. They have no obligation to your child. But your spouse? That’s a whole different story.

+1! That was exactly what I was thinking! Wow, you stayed with a man who could not or chose not to love your son. That is the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your husband say?

Nothing. He’s just happy that his son wants to maintain this family tradition but is disinterested in my son’s future. My son’s bio dad isn’t in the picture and he has no living grandparents. The only grandparents he knows are DH’s parents and they are nice to him but it’s obvious they love their own grandson while taking a polite interest in my son. What hurts is that I cooked, cleaned, tutored and took care of both kids for many years but there’s no acknowledgement for my role in their grandson’s success and no acknowledgement for my son either.

Your husband is disinterested in his stepson’s future? Lady, THAT is what you need to be posting about. Forget the grandparents. They have no obligation to your child. But your spouse? That’s a whole different story.

+1! That was exactly what I was thinking! Wow, you stayed with a man who could not or chose not to love your son. That is the issue.

The real issue is that very few people will "love" someone else's child the same way they love their own. That's hard-wired in us. Sure, he may like the kid and sure, he may treat him like a son in some respects - but he is NOT his child and he will probably never love him like his child. If he did, he would have adopted him. But considering that brings with it legal and financial responsibilities until that child is an adult, there are not many stepparents who do that, either, for good reason:

The other fact is that almost 70% of second marriages that involve children may end up in divorce. The grandparents are perfectly justified in not financially supporting the stepson.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your husband say?

Nothing. He’s just happy that his son wants to maintain this family tradition but is disinterested in my son’s future. My son’s bio dad isn’t in the picture and he has no living grandparents. The only grandparents he knows are DH’s parents and they are nice to him but it’s obvious they love their own grandson while taking a polite interest in my son. What hurts is that I cooked, cleaned, tutored and took care of both kids for many years but there’s no acknowledgement for my role in their grandson’s success and no acknowledgement for my son either.

Your husband is disinterested in his stepson’s future? Lady, THAT is what you need to be posting about. Forget the grandparents. They have no obligation to your child. But your spouse? That’s a whole different story.

+1! That was exactly what I was thinking! Wow, you stayed with a man who could not or chose not to love your son. That is the issue.

The real issue is that very few people will "love" someone else's child the same way they love their own. That's hard-wired in us. Sure, he may like the kid and sure, he may treat him like a son in some respects - but he is NOT his child and he will probably never love him like his child. If he did, he would have adopted him. But considering that brings with it legal and financial responsibilities until that child is an adult, there are not many stepparents who do that, either, for good reason:

The other fact is that almost 70% of second marriages that involve children may end up in divorce. The grandparents are perfectly justified in not financially supporting the stepson.

^ As the OP, made clear, BTW. She feels resentful that her child is not treated the same, that she has invested time and energy into raising stepson, DH doesn't appear to have same opinion, grandparents don't treat the kids equally, etc.

Resentment stew ready to blow the lid off this marriage, IMHO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG you don't. It could conceivably be nice if they offered, but they didn't. It's not your money, and it's not your son's money. Take the money that you and DH would have spent on your stepson's tuition and apply the whole amount to your son.

If you want to hit someone up for tuition assistance, ask your family or or son's bio father's family.

+1

+1. No obligation whatsoever.

+2.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, messed up the quoting. Fixing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your husband say?

Nothing. He’s just happy that his son wants to maintain this family tradition but is disinterested in my son’s future. My son’s bio dad isn’t in the picture and he has no living grandparents. The only grandparents he knows are DH’s parents and they are nice to him but it’s obvious they love their own grandson while taking a polite interest in my son. What hurts is that I cooked, cleaned, tutored and took care of both kids for many years but there’s no acknowledgement for my role in their grandson’s success and no acknowledgement for my son either.

Is he actually disinterested in your son's future? Or does he not see the problem with unequal treatment of the boys from his parents? Those are two separate things. I could understand if he did not see a problem with the unequal treatment of the boys and would accept the financial assistance from his parents for his son, but then turn around be interested in giving your son an equal chance by paying for your son's education out of your own household finances. This is personally how I would handle it. As others have pointed out, the financial help from your in-laws mean that any money that you have set aside for both boys college education can now be applied to your son, so it is still a benefit for your blended family, just unbalanced by the source. You can still make it equal out of your personal finances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your husband say?

Nothing. He’s just happy that his son wants to maintain this family tradition but is disinterested in my son’s future. My son’s bio dad isn’t in the picture and he has no living grandparents. The only grandparents he knows are DH’s parents and they are nice to him but it’s obvious they love their own grandson while taking a polite interest in my son. What hurts is that I cooked, cleaned, tutored and took care of both kids for many years but there’s no acknowledgement for my role in their grandson’s success and no acknowledgement for my son either.

What a sad twisted family dynamic.

Your poor child will need therapy for years to come.

I hope this is an uncommon patterns in so-called blended families.

OP should have expected this given that she’s been married to the husband for a long time. It’s also greedy to expect non blood relatives to pay for stepchildren. What if they divorce? Grandparents don’t benefit from investing in a step grandchildren. Not their legacy.

What are we living on Feudal manors??? I have an adopted child. My entire family treats her EXACTLY the same as other children in the family. Because she is family. This is not about getting some type of blood test to prove you merit their love and support. How archaic and inhumane

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your husband say?

Nothing. He’s just happy that his son wants to maintain this family tradition but is disinterested in my son’s future. My son’s bio dad isn’t in the picture and he has no living grandparents. The only grandparents he knows are DH’s parents and they are nice to him but it’s obvious they love their own grandson while taking a polite interest in my son. What hurts is that I cooked, cleaned, tutored and took care of both kids for many years but there’s no acknowledgement for my role in their grandson’s success and no acknowledgement for my son either.

What a sad twisted family dynamic.

Your poor child will need therapy for years to come.

I hope this is an uncommon patterns in so-called blended families.

OP should have expected this given that she’s been married to the husband for a long time. It’s also greedy to expect non blood relatives to pay for stepchildren. What if they divorce? Grandparents don’t benefit from investing in a step grandchildren. Not their legacy.

What are we living on Feudal manors??? I have an adopted child. My entire family treats her EXACTLY the same as other children in the family. Because she is family. This is not about getting some type of blood test to prove you merit their love and support. How archaic and inhumane

Yes, ADOPTED child. Very different than stepchild and step grandchild.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your husband say?

Nothing. He’s just happy that his son wants to maintain this family tradition but is disinterested in my son’s future. My son’s bio dad isn’t in the picture and he has no living grandparents. The only grandparents he knows are DH’s parents and they are nice to him but it’s obvious they love their own grandson while taking a polite interest in my son. What hurts is that I cooked, cleaned, tutored and took care of both kids for many years but there’s no acknowledgement for my role in their grandson’s success and no acknowledgement for my son either.

What a sad twisted family dynamic.

Your poor child will need therapy for years to come.

I hope this is an uncommon patterns in so-called blended families.

OP should have expected this given that she’s been married to the husband for a long time. It’s also greedy to expect non blood relatives to pay for stepchildren. What if they divorce? Grandparents don’t benefit from investing in a step grandchildren. Not their legacy.

What are we living on Feudal manors??? I have an adopted child. My entire family treats her EXACTLY the same as other children in the family. Because she is family. This is not about getting some type of blood test to prove you merit their love and support. How archaic and inhumane

OP's husband didn't adopt her son. Adopted kids are not the same as step kids at all.

[Anonymous]

Decline the assistance and pay for both boys yourself or send them to public.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Decline the assistance and pay for both boys yourself or send them to public.

I don't see how OP could decline on behalf of a child who isn't hers... does not sound as if she and the husband adopted one another's children. And her husband isn't on the same page so he certainly isn't going to decline anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG you don't. It could conceivably be nice if they offered, but they didn't. It's not your money, and it's not your son's money. Take the money that you and DH would have spent on your stepson's tuition and apply the whole amount to your son.

If you want to hit someone up for tuition assistance, ask your family or or son's bio father's family.

This. They are freeing up money for you to use for your son. Think of it as if they were paying half for each kid. Money is fungible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Decline the assistance and pay for both boys yourself or send them to public.

Good lord. Don't do this. Money is money. Accept the money for DH's son and spend the money you saved on DW's son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lol. My parents paid over $100,000 for my brother's education and he couldn't even finish his BS.

They contributed exactly $0 to my education.

We are full blood siblings.



Shit happens.

Me too!