Resentful that ILs only want to help DH’s son and not mine

[Anonymous]

I know grandparents who chose to help one child and not others when all of the kids involved were biological grandchildren. In most of these cases, it was the oldest son who received assistance while the others didn't.

I haven't heard of a single case in which the parents didn't take the money. They may have thought it was "unfair," but they accepted the money and did the best they could for their other kids. I suggest OP do the same.

OP still hasn't answered how old her son was when she married her current H. if he was past preschool age, it is unlikely that the step-grandparents ever developed the same emotional bond with the step as with the bio. She also hasn't said why HER step-son's mom isn't in the picture. Did dad's first wife die? Was the first wife the dad's "love of his life," and was the second marriage a more practical arrangement because dad felt he needed help raising a young child? If so, his parents may be well aware of his attitude and influenced by it. If their S doesn't really view the OP's kid as his kid, why should they?

Step-kids and kids aren't the same. And, yes, adoption is different than step. I actually know of a case where a couple chose not to marry, but live together, but after a certain number of years, the man asked to adopt his "girlfriend's" child. He wanted to make sure that if his girlfriend died, he would get custody of the child he had raised as his own. He died first and he left his not inconsiderable estate to the child. He really DID view the child as his--and guess what? His girlfriend had adopted the child as a single mom when she neared 40 and realized she was unlikely to become a bio mom. A few years later, she met a nice guy.

OP has no say in how the step-grandparents spend their money. They also have no say in how the step-grandparents feel about her son. I don't think they are horrible human beings because they feel a greater responsibility to their own grandson than to his step-brother.

[Anonymous]

No offense but I am a step grandparent and I want to offer a few reasons as to why those in my position choose NOT to extend any financial help to step grandchildren. First, there really is nothing in it for step grandparents emotionally to invest in their step grandchildren. It’s no different than donating to charity because this could be any persons child. Second, the return on investment is also nil, financially speaking. With your own grandchildren, you see upward mobility or continued success and can feel proud of it. With step grandchildren, it doesn’t carry through future generations. There are people who do try to treat everyone equally but it just creates resentment to put on a facade. Hope this helps OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No offense but I am a step grandparent and I want to offer a few reasons as to why those in my position choose NOT to extend any financial help to step grandchildren. First, there really is nothing in it for step grandparents emotionally to invest in their step grandchildren. It’s no different than donating to charity because this could be any persons child. Second, the return on investment is also nil, financially speaking. With your own grandchildren, you see upward mobility or continued success and can feel proud of it. With step grandchildren, it doesn’t carry through future generations. There are people who do try to treat everyone equally but it just creates resentment to put on a facade. Hope this helps OP.

Presumably your son or daughter loves this child. The child is part of the family your child is building.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No offense but I am a step grandparent and I want to offer a few reasons as to why those in my position choose NOT to extend any financial help to step grandchildren. First, there really is nothing in it for step grandparents emotionally to invest in their step grandchildren. It’s no different than donating to charity because this could be any persons child. Second, the return on investment is also nil, financially speaking. With your own grandchildren, you see upward mobility or continued success and can feel proud of it. With step grandchildren, it doesn’t carry through future generations. There are people who do try to treat everyone equally but it just creates resentment to put on a facade. Hope this helps OP.

Presumably your son or daughter loves this child. The child is part of the family your child is building.

Bull crap. People can spend their money how they wish and on whom they wish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No offense but I am a step grandparent and I want to offer a few reasons as to why those in my position choose NOT to extend any financial help to step grandchildren. First, there really is nothing in it for step grandparents emotionally to invest in their step grandchildren. It’s no different than donating to charity because this could be any persons child. Second, the return on investment is also nil, financially speaking. With your own grandchildren, you see upward mobility or continued success and can feel proud of it. With step grandchildren, it doesn’t carry through future generations. There are people who do try to treat everyone equally but it just creates resentment to put on a facade. Hope this helps OP.

You sound horrible. These are kids being raised by your child, coming to family gatherings, yet in your eyes they are just like anyone’s children/a charity cause?? How sad for them and how craven/cold of you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lol. My parents paid over $100,000 for my brother's education and he couldn't even finish his BS.

They contributed exactly $0 to my education.

We are full blood siblings.

Shit happens.

Same here, except I have 2 younger siblings, so multiple that my 2. I graduated with over $100,000 in debt for undergrad and grad school and paid it all off myself. My siblings both got free rides. Thems the breaks sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No offense but I am a step grandparent and I want to offer a few reasons as to why those in my position choose NOT to extend any financial help to step grandchildren. First, there really is nothing in it for step grandparents emotionally to invest in their step grandchildren. It’s no different than donating to charity because this could be any persons child. Second, the return on investment is also nil, financially speaking. With your own grandchildren, you see upward mobility or continued success and can feel proud of it. With step grandchildren, it doesn’t carry through future generations. There are people who do try to treat everyone equally but it just creates resentment to put on a facade. Hope this helps OP.

Presumably your son or daughter loves this child. The child is part of the family your child is building.

Until they divorce and the stepparent never sees the kid again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No offense but I am a step grandparent and I want to offer a few reasons as to why those in my position choose NOT to extend any financial help to step grandchildren. First, there really is nothing in it for step grandparents emotionally to invest in their step grandchildren. It’s no different than donating to charity because this could be any persons child. Second, the return on investment is also nil, financially speaking. With your own grandchildren, you see upward mobility or continued success and can feel proud of it. With step grandchildren, it doesn’t carry through future generations. There are people who do try to treat everyone equally but it just creates resentment to put on a facade. Hope this helps OP.

Presumably your son or daughter loves this child. The child is part of the family your child is building.

Until they divorce and the stepparent never sees the kid again.

I don’t know any adults who care for step grandparents. There is nothing it for those grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No offense but I am a step grandparent and I want to offer a few reasons as to why those in my position choose NOT to extend any financial help to step grandchildren. First, there really is nothing in it for step grandparents emotionally to invest in their step grandchildren. It’s no different than donating to charity because this could be any persons child. Second, the return on investment is also nil, financially speaking. With your own grandchildren, you see upward mobility or continued success and can feel proud of it. With step grandchildren, it doesn’t carry through future generations. There are people who do try to treat everyone equally but it just creates resentment to put on a facade. Hope this helps OP.

Presumably your son or daughter loves this child. The child is part of the family your child is building.

Until they divorce and the stepparent never sees the kid again.

I don’t know any adults who care for step grandparents. There is nothing it for those grandparents.

How distastefully...transactional.

I don't know how young you have kids in your family but my grandparents (and step grandparents) had passed of old age before I was an adult. It usually falls to kids to take care of their own parents.

At least, in warm loving families that welcome their children's spouses and kids with open arms and hearts.

[Anonymous]

Second marriages are often doomed for failure. I wouldn't get so financially and emotionally invested in a step grandchild.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a second job. Have son start working at 16 to pay for college. It is how most of America pays for college.

The bigger question is why you don't have a college fund for son.

It’s not 1976 anymore. A part time job from age 16-18 would barely buy your books, much less tuition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a second job. Have son start working at 16 to pay for college. It is how most of America pays for college.

The bigger question is why you don't have a college fund for son.

It’s not 1976 anymore. A part time job from age 16-18 would barely buy your books, much less tuition.

So what? The kid needs to contribute. Nothing is free, and the sooner they learn that, the better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe OP's son by another man is as obnoxious as OP.

OP is out of line, but you are a mean little bitch packing on a kid.

[Anonymous]

New poster. I am amazed at how kind many Americans are to their steps, treating them as their own, almost to the point of being naive tbh. I guess it creates entitlement in some people.
Honestly I would not even consider giving significant amounts of effort or money to a step grandchild (not that I have any but who knows what the future brings).

[Anonymous]

Wait, one question, OP. Does your son look very different than his step family?! If so, that unfortunately explains a lot,.. also if they are from a different culture and not second+ gen Americans!