Resentful that ILs only want to help DH’s son and not mine

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son is not their grandson!

But he is! He’s grown up in that family- he should for all purposes be considered a grandson of theirs.

They clearly do not see if that way and from your account of things they have made that clear all along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son is not their grandson!

But he is! He’s grown up in that family- he should for all purposes be considered a grandson of theirs.

But he’s not.

[Anonymous]

Get a second job. Have son start working at 16 to pay for college. It is how most of America pays for college.

The bigger question is why you don't have a college fund for son.

[Anonymous]

^ He most definitely would be considered one in my family. My parents gave three “step” grandchildren who have never been treated any differently than any other grandchild. I just assumed that’s how families work. Now I realize it’s how strong families work.

[Anonymous]

File for child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:if someone wanted to pay for one and only one of my kids' college I'd say--GREAT THANK YOU. now I can pay for the other child more easily.

Yes! I wish someone wanted to contribute any amount let alone full tuition! You are way out of bounds, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol. My parents paid over $100,000 for my brother's education and he couldn't even finish his BS.

They contributed exactly $0 to my education.

We are full blood siblings.

Shit happens.

Can you please explain why your parents did such a shitty thing? What’s your relationship with them like now?

OP, are you a troll?

I'm not OP, I am PP with the unfair parents. My best explanation is that my mother is a narcissist. I've always been the scapegoat. Brother, GC. Sister, I didn't mention because it wasn't relevant to education (she never pursued a higher education), mommy dearest purchased a ~$200k home outright for. My sister and her family lived there rent-free for 11 years until her tragic death. My father only recently contributed $28k to my home purchase, which I am very grateful for, but he did so without her knowing (they're still married). I'm told when she found out, he caught hell for it.

I have a decent relationship with my father, but distant. I treat my mom as I would anyone with mental illness, polite indifference. I see them on major holidays for a short time.

[Anonymous]

No, I can see that. I don't agree with it but, I can see it happening. Take the resources you would have put to their bio grandson's college and put it toward your son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't approach it with them - ever. If you wanted some of your son's education paid for then you should have started saving towards it years ago. Has this ever been discussed with your husband?

This.

Not to mention they may have put the money aside before your son was in the picture. I’m with the other posters to view it as a gift that eases your tuition burden. You choose how to see it, be generous in your interpretation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your husband say?

Nothing. He’s just happy that his son wants to maintain this family tradition but is disinterested in my son’s future. My son’s bio dad isn’t in the picture and he has no living grandparents. The only grandparents he knows are DH’s parents and they are nice to him but it’s obvious they love their own grandson while taking a polite interest in my son. What hurts is that I cooked, cleaned, tutored and took care of both kids for many years but there’s no acknowledgement for my role in their grandson’s success and no acknowledgement for my son either.

Your husband is disinterested in his stepson’s future? Lady, THAT is what you need to be posting about. Forget the grandparents. They have no obligation to your child. But your spouse? That’s a whole different story.

This. I understand your frustration and sympathize with you if your son’s biological dad is uninvolved and he has no living grandparents on your side. However, it seems your husband is the problem if he doesn’t care about your son’s future.

Yes, your DH is the problem. Did he help raise your son?

+1. You have a husband problem. Your in laws are being pretty generous already.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can understand why you'd be resentful that your son is being treated differently when you've put in so much effort to treat both boys fairly. But your ILs aren't under any obligation to treat your son the same way they treat their own grandson.

You need to figure out a way to minimize the effect this may have on your son and the boys' relationship with each other. You set the tone here. If you are bitter and resentful, your son is going to pick up on that. If you view this as a benefit to your family as a whole, your son will likely view it similarly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can be gracious and say that while you appreciate the offer, it would be problematic to treat the two brothers differently, so you will sort it out on your own with both of them.

Or you could accept the money with a grateful thank-you, and use it to offset the money you will spend toward the other young man's tuition.

Those are your options.

It is sad to me that the grandparents are so craven.

If the child ever wondered if relatives (on the husband's side) loved them both the same...they have their answer.

I think the husband should say this is awkward and inconsiderate to the other child. He can ask if they could give it as a blanket gift to the family's college expenses or turn it down.

The statement needs to be made that all the children in the family are solidly in the family, not some netherland of relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your husband say?

Nothing. He’s just happy that his son wants to maintain this family tradition but is disinterested in my son’s future. My son’s bio dad isn’t in the picture and he has no living grandparents. The only grandparents he knows are DH’s parents and they are nice to him but it’s obvious they love their own grandson while taking a polite interest in my son. What hurts is that I cooked, cleaned, tutored and took care of both kids for many years but there’s no acknowledgement for my role in their grandson’s success and no acknowledgement for my son either.

What a sad twisted family dynamic.

Your poor child will need therapy for years to come.

I hope this is an uncommon patterns in so-called blended families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your husband say?

Nothing. He’s just happy that his son wants to maintain this family tradition but is disinterested in my son’s future. My son’s bio dad isn’t in the picture and he has no living grandparents. The only grandparents he knows are DH’s parents and they are nice to him but it’s obvious they love their own grandson while taking a polite interest in my son. What hurts is that I cooked, cleaned, tutored and took care of both kids for many years but there’s no acknowledgement for my role in their grandson’s success and no acknowledgement for my son either.

What a sad twisted family dynamic.

Your poor child will need therapy for years to come.

I hope this is an uncommon patterns in so-called blended families.

OP should have expected this given that she’s been married to the husband for a long time. It’s also greedy to expect non blood relatives to pay for stepchildren. What if they divorce? Grandparents don’t benefit from investing in a step grandchildren. Not their legacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol. My parents paid over $100,000 for my brother's education and he couldn't even finish his BS.

They contributed exactly $0 to my education.

We are full blood siblings.

Shit happens.

Can you please explain why your parents did such a shitty thing? What’s your relationship with them like now?

OP, are you a troll?

Not the PP, but in some cultures, the male is the favored and golden child.

In my family and culture, it is frowned upon for the women to be too smart or educated. It was not at all uncommon for my dad to say things like, "no, stop studying!" and take my books away because if my grades were too good, I would be seen as too smart. Women who are too smart are seen as too difficult and less desirable for marriage. Also, smarter women are seen as less beautiful for some reason. The men are very much coddled and huge mama's boys. When my brother turned 16, he was given a brand new BMW, any trouble he got into was just "teenage mischief", and money was thrown at his problems to make them go away like it was no big deal. His Ivy league education was 100% paid for by my parents (and there was definitely a heavy amount of cheating going on there to get him to pass/through university because he is an idiot). Now, he "works" for my father's business but is pretty much useless. My father and I barely speak because I paid for college, my Masters, and PhD all on my own and am a HUGE disappointment to him. Can you imagine?