Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother

[Anonymous]

At this point, I think asking a neighbor and pay a small fee is the best bet. Your mom would know the person and it would be more feasible than any alternative.

Regarding your wife, you said your family has not extended even a finger during some really difficult times, so I understand her anger. Personally, I'd ask your dad to come down hard on your sister. She's really acting disgracefully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother has multiple chronic illnesses and it’s been recommended that she not be left alone for more than four hours at a time. She needs someone to check in on her, make sure she’s taken her meds and has eaten.

My Dad is still working, he’s 63 and has 2 years left until he can retire. If he took a retirement now he would take a cut of his pension.

This means it’s up to either my sister or I to check in on our mother. My dad can’t afford to take an early retirement or leave work early because of their mounting medical bills.

My mom took care of my sisters children for 10+ years so they never had to be put in daycare. My wife is "putting her foot down" and refusing to increase the costs we are paying for our after school nanny to adjust our work schedules to check in on my mom. Basically someone needs to check in on my mom at 12 and 4. My dad gets off work at 4 but my mom starts to sundown by that time and gets agitated. My dad checks in on her on his lunch break but he can’t always be there at 4 so he has asked me and my sister to do so.

My wife is saying this is my sisters responsibility. She holds a grudge against my sister because she always felt my sister was taking advantage of our mother. I don’t disagree with this. My mom basically raised my sisters kids.

Except my sister says they can’t adjust their work schedules 5 days/week to check in on mom. She has offered to do 1 or 2 days/week but my wife says they should be taking care of my mom now that my mom took care of their children for 10 years.

If we did 3 days/week, we would have to change our hours at work at either start earlier or pay our after school care an extra hour or two, 3 days/week. My wife refuses to absorb the cost. I understand her anger, but feels it’s misplaced. Now is not the time to "stick it to my sister", it’s about my mom.

We did not receive any help from my family when my wife went through a difficult pregnancy and childbirth/post partum. My wife’s parents are deceased and we didn’t have any help or support in raising our children in the way my sister has. My wife has always been vocally critical of my sister. My sister has now checked out and has never understood the gravity of our mothers health. Im caught in the middle.

So, you can change your hours at work for 3 days and have it covered or pay a little extra for after school care for 3 days a week. This sounds to me not that big of a deal. We are not talking thousands of dollars here.
I find it hard to believe your wife is objecting to this. Your wife seems really really bitter about the day care. Honestly your wife needs to let her anger go. In a way it is about helping your Dad.

Other option is just find a neighbor in the area you can pay.

[Anonymous]

So you are blaming your wife instead of having a heart to heart with your asshole sister? Are you insane? Your sister does not want to be inconvenienced even though it's HER mother who raised your sister's kids. Your sister is selfish and entitled. You either have a conversation with your sister and put your foot down or you do the work yourself.

You said yourself your family wasn't supporting when you guys had kids and your wife had PPD. Karma is a bitch.

Team wife all the way.

[Anonymous]

Another one here with Team Wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At this point, I think asking a neighbor and pay a small fee is the best bet. Your mom would know the person and it would be more feasible than any alternative.

Regarding your wife, you said your family has not extended even a finger during some really difficult times, so I understand her anger. Personally, I'd ask your dad to come down hard on your sister. She's really acting disgracefully.

Oh, I'd say OP's family extended a finger to the wife. The middle finger. I think what you mean is they haven't lifted a finger to help her.

[Anonymous]

I'm confused about a few things. You keep saying "we" would have to change our hours and "we" would check on your mom. Why would your wife have to change her hours? Why can't you change your hours so you can check on your mother? Why can't your father hire a home health aide to come in and help your mother in the afternoon?

And what are you going to do when your mom inevitably gets worse and needs more regular check-ins, and more hours of care?

Also, you're letting your sister off the hook while scapegoating your wife. Your sister has just checked out? And you're going to just let that happen?

I think your wife might be holding a grudge, but I sort of don't blame her. Your parents didn't help her, why is she expected to sacrifice to help them, when the person they did help is checking out?

[Anonymous]

I'm still waiting to find out if the sister's husband's expected to help.

[Anonymous]

On one hand, without knowing how much the additional child care would cost, it's impossible to say if your wife is being reasonable.

On the other, hand, if I understand correctly, your mother didn't work and watched your sister's kids for free, and your parents took out a reverse mortgage. That's a couple of terrible financial decisions there, and I absolutely see yoru wife's point that the person who benefited from and created this financial strain - your sister - should be the one who addresses it.

Finally, if your mother should be in a home, and your father and sister are in denial, letting them deal with this without your help now may give them a much-needed wakeup call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your wife most certainly should help. If she won’t DO NOT SHARE your inheritance check with her. It’s only fair. Parents should NOT leave money to those that won’t help them. Period.

Op's dad is only 63 years old. I doubt that the adult children are going to be getting an inheritance any time soon.

This is more about doing the right thing. My dad got very sick when he was in his 60's. My mom was still working full time, I was working full time, my siblings had work/families, too, and it was just a really difficult time. You can see when a situation has become overwhelming to the point where someone is drowning. That was the situation for my mom. I stepped up and did what I could - just keeping an eye on dad for an afternoon was such a help, it wasn't much by comparison to what my mom was doing but I think it meant the world to her that I did step up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your wife most certainly should help. If she won’t DO NOT SHARE your inheritance check with her. It’s only fair. Parents should NOT leave money to those that won’t help them. Period.

Op's dad is only 63 years old. I doubt that the adult children are going to be getting an inheritance any time soon.

This is more about doing the right thing. My dad got very sick when he was in his 60's. My mom was still working full time, I was working full time, my siblings had work/families, too, and it was just a really difficult time. You can see when a situation has become overwhelming to the point where someone is drowning. That was the situation for my mom. I stepped up and did what I could - just keeping an eye on dad for an afternoon was such a help, it wasn't much by comparison to what my mom was doing but I think it meant the world to her that I did step up.

That's interesting -- because it seems a bit like the flip side of that is happening here. The husband's family did NOT step up when OP and his wife were struggling. And it meant a lot to the wife, too, it's just that what it meant was not good. And I kind of can't blame someone who watched her in-laws leave her to struggle when she was having a hard time resist sacrificing for the in-laws when they are struggling. These parents DIDN'T help their son, but they sure expect him to help them. OP's wife maybe should be a better person than they were to her, but she's only human, and it sounds like she's pretty busy herself, if she's working and has kids.

[Anonymous]

I am glad that I don't live in a marriage where someone holds onto resentment as long as this wife did. I am not sure why this husband doesn't think his job can be more flexible but only hers.

I think it is time for you, your dad, and your sister to do some hiring for the afternoon visits.

[Anonymous]

You do what you need to do for your mom. Your wife is being unreasonable and petty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am glad that I don't live in a marriage where someone holds onto resentment as long as this wife did. I am not sure why this husband doesn't think his job can be more flexible but only hers.

I think it is time for you, your dad, and your sister to do some hiring for the afternoon visits.

Eh, I wonder what else the in-laws or the SIL have done since then. Maybe the MIL played obvious favorites with SIL's kids in unhealthy ways. Maybe there were lots of comments about working parents who "let strangers raise their kids" or that kind of nonsense. Maybe she already feels like she gets too little time with her own kids, and doesn't want to give more of that up.

I do also wonder about the husband's job -- why can't he just move his hours earlier on the days he needs to check in on his mom? Why would they need extra childcare? Why would his wife need to change her hours?

I also think they need to hire someone -- MIL's situation is going to get worse, and they aren't going to be able to handle it themselves for long.

[Anonymous]

Team wife 100%. My husband's family always helped his sister and never us because I had a better job than she did, even though I went through two high risk pregnancies. You reap what you sow.

[Anonymous]

Team Wife here. Your mom provided thousands and thousands of dollars worth of free childcare to your sister. (Say, 2 kids x 5 years each x $16,000 = $160k at a minimum). She can pay for a service now.