Mixed collar dating- need relationship advice please!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not going to work so enjoy the ride while it lasts.

If I were you, I'd put this time and energy into becoming self-sufficient. You are newly single and your child is very young. Now is not the time to jump into another relationship, which you may be tempted to do , considering your limited dating experience and marriage. You are divorced without a real career; if your ex husband pays alimony, now is a great time to figure out how to stand on your own two feet financially. I say this without bitterness. Independence is a great feeling.

Good point!

It is a great point, but that's not what OP wants. OP wants another meal ticket. And that meal ticket also needs to fit in with her friends so that she can keep up appearances.

[Anonymous]

It can work, OP. I had a cousin who came from a very "high society" background with an advanced degree from an Ivy, and she was very well-off. She started dating a roofer or handyman who she met because he did work on her vacation home.

The family was initially mystified and a little scared that it sounded like a gold-digger situation on his part. But over time, everyone realized that they loved each other despite their differences, and they had a great relationship for many, many years. He would occasionally come to her fancy cocktail parties, and she would occasionally go camping with him, but for the most part they had separate hobbies.

The real key, though, is that she never, ever judged him or treated him as "less than" because of his blue collar background. And she wouldn't tolerate anyone else doing that either. I honestly never saw her worried about the things that you're worried about. (It also didn't hurt that he was a very happy-go-lucky guy who wasn't the type to worry whether people in her circle were judging him. He just didn't care.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. This cannot work.

+1

If a generic discussion category (like "politics") is "off the table" from the start, than it's a huge no go for me.

I'm also an intellectual snob who couldn't ever date someone without, say, a passport, so take this with a huge grain of salt.

If you're happy for now, I'd roll with it. But I'd always be thinking in the back of my mind that there was a better fit out there for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dr Phil says the only thing you need to have in common is that you love each other. He says he and his wife have no interests or hobbies alike, yet they have been married for years.

This can be true, and why I felt it may not work. She is not deeply in love with him. Spoken as a woman married to a man with a different education level, background and a variety of other differences. But we were deeply in love when we met and it has carried us through 25 years.(We also had children, sought therapy, were committed, did not want to lose our financial status, etc etc). But the Deep Love and our children was what made it hard to ever truly let go. This is where first "True Love" marriages have an advantage.

It's a common misconception that you need to share hobbies/ interests. I highly recommend reading Dr. Meg Jay when it comes to summarizing the keys to a successful long-term relationship. The main take always, though, are that you need to have some sort of convergence along the five factors for how people interact with the world: Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, Neuroticism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dr Phil says the only thing you need to have in common is that you love each other. He says he and his wife have no interests or hobbies alike, yet they have been married for years.

Well, if Dr. Phil says it, then it MUST be so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BTDT. The political differences will matter more than the social class ones.

Yes, to me the political piece says more about values. And if your values aren't aligned, that's tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dr Phil says the only thing you need to have in common is that you love each other. He says he and his wife have no interests or hobbies alike, yet they have been married for years.

This can be true, and why I felt it may not work. She is not deeply in love with him. Spoken as a woman married to a man with a different education level, background and a variety of other differences. But we were deeply in love when we met and it has carried us through 25 years.(We also had children, sought therapy, were committed, did not want to lose our financial status, etc etc). But the Deep Love and our children was what made it hard to ever truly let go. This is where first "True Love" marriages have an advantage.

It's a common misconception that you need to share hobbies/ interests. I highly recommend reading Dr. Meg Jay when it comes to summarizing the keys to a successful long-term relationship. The main take always, though, are that you need to have some sort of convergence along the five factors for how people interact with the world: Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, Neuroticism.

It's not a "misconception" for someone who finds shared hobbies and interests important! It's not equally important to everyone but sounds important to OP. Also, OP does not seem to be in love with this person. Therefore, I think OP should break it off. I also recommend financial independence for OP.

[Anonymous]

There's no perfect formula. All my friends have some sort of issue with their husbands, so it's going to be "something" at some point.

Why are you only separated and NOT divorced. You need to get divorced first, and date this guy until you know him better.

You're not a career person obviously, if he's been responsible with money that's a big one right there. We know couples that piss a lot of money away and have little to show for their high incomes.

Finally I wouldn't get on a motorcycle unless you have a death wish. And get your ex out of the picture so you can move forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes this post is too long.

I don’t see this lasting... he’s probably really into you, which feels damn good after an unfulfilling marriage... but after that wears off, you don’t have anything in common.

It’s ok to be single.

This.

It will be hard not to have things in common with not only him but his friends and family.

Enjoy it while it lasts but know these feelings of concern are there for a reason....Bad news on the horizon.

[Anonymous]

He makes good money, which, may not be a popular opinion, but is important to me. NOWHERE near how I used to live or what my ex made, so I'm not a gold digger- but I do want to have a modicum of standards and dont' want to struggle financially.

So I am truly mystified by this approach. OP do you not feel you can support yourself? You don't want to? While you may not want to work, your last plan of being supported by someone didn't work out. So why take this approach a second time? I won't touch your "modicum of standards" remark. And I'm a single mom so I do know what I'm saying by suggesting you "support yourself". It's not easy, but you sleep much better at night.

I will also point out that you are potentially hanging not just your life plan on this dude, but your baby's. If you can't do better for yourself, do it for the kiddo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes this post is too long.

I don’t see this lasting... he’s probably really into you, which feels damn good after an unfulfilling marriage... but after that wears off, you don’t have anything in common.

It’s ok to be single.

This.

It will be hard not to have things in common with not only him but his friends and family.

Enjoy it while it lasts but know these feelings of concern are there for a reason....Bad news on the horizon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

He makes good money, which, may not be a popular opinion, but is important to me. NOWHERE near how I used to live or what my ex made, so I'm not a gold digger- but I do want to have a modicum of standards and dont' want to struggle financially.

So I am truly mystified by this approach. OP do you not feel you can support yourself? You don't want to? While you may not want to work, your last plan of being supported by someone didn't work out. So why take this approach a second time? I won't touch your "modicum of standards" remark. And I'm a single mom so I do know what I'm saying by suggesting you "support yourself". It's not easy, but you sleep much better at night.

I will also point out that you are potentially hanging not just your life plan on this dude, but your baby's. If you can't do better for yourself, do it for the kiddo.

I think it's natural to want to work less and to be able to do fun things together. But you guys enjoy different things. Do you like cheap wine OP? Because if you do, that is what you will likely be able to do together comfortably within the budget and life view of this guy. Maybe an occasional winery trip to like the wineries along the east coast., upstate ny etc. Maybe buying a cool.RV down the road. If this works for you, go for it. But if not, enjoy it while you can and let it go naturally when the time comes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It can work, OP. I had a cousin who came from a very "high society" background with an advanced degree from an Ivy, and she was very well-off. She started dating a roofer or handyman who she met because he did work on her vacation home.

The family was initially mystified and a little scared that it sounded like a gold-digger situation on his part. But over time, everyone realized that they loved each other despite their differences, and they had a great relationship for many, many years. He would occasionally come to her fancy cocktail parties, and she would occasionally go camping with him, but for the most part they had separate hobbies.

The real key, though, is that she never, ever judged him or treated him as "less than" because of his blue collar background. And she wouldn't tolerate anyone else doing that either. I honestly never saw her worried about the things that you're worried about. (It also didn't hurt that he was a very happy-go-lucky guy who wasn't the type to worry whether people in her circle were judging him. He just didn't care.)

But there are several key differences here - She loved him; they had a great relationship; she didn't worry about the things that OP is worried about. OP should not try and make this work b/c it is not working for OP.

[Anonymous]

I'm really surprised a SAHM thinks they're white collar. It's the the most pink collar job ever?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm really surprised a SAHM thinks they're white collar. It's the the most pink collar job ever?!

Yes. Although I guess that would still be “mixed collar”?