Mixed collar dating- need relationship advice please!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am not as bad a person as y'all think I am, goodness. I was raised to get an education but then to take care of a house and home. I cooked meals and kept a spotless house every single day for my husband who worked long hours at a law firm. Many of his co workers, male and female, said they wished they had a wife life me or some of the women said they would like to do what i was doing. We were a single income family happily. He did make a lot of money so I didn't "have" to work. It worked for us. A year after I got married, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. I took care of her for close to 10 years. I put off having children the last few years of her life because of that. I sat by her bedside, cooked her meals, changed her bandages after brain surgery, made her doctor's appointments, dealt with her insurance, so all of you who think I sat around and took my husband's money are dead wrong. Cultural relativism works inside the US, too. We tried for children for almost 3 years so that caused further delays, and during that time my father was diagnosed. So ALL i know how to do, or want to do, is take care of people I love. My boyfriend and I get along great I just wonder if we can make it because of our differences and his lack of money management. I am not a snob, nor lazy. No, I do not want to work outside the home but if that's what I had to do to put my food in my child't mouth, I would. To those that had helpful comments, thank you.

I'm glad being a housewife worked out for you.

But you were not a SAHM until very recently, since you have a very young child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am not as bad a person as y'all think I am, goodness. I was raised to get an education but then to take care of a house and home. I cooked meals and kept a spotless house every single day for my husband who worked long hours at a law firm. Many of his co workers, male and female, said they wished they had a wife life me or some of the women said they would like to do what i was doing. We were a single income family happily. He did make a lot of money so I didn't "have" to work. It worked for us. A year after I got married, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. I took care of her for close to 10 years. I put off having children the last few years of her life because of that. I sat by her bedside, cooked her meals, changed her bandages after brain surgery, made her doctor's appointments, dealt with her insurance, so all of you who think I sat around and took my husband's money are dead wrong. Cultural relativism works inside the US, too. We tried for children for almost 3 years so that caused further delays, and during that time my father was diagnosed. So ALL i know how to do, or want to do, is take care of people I love. My boyfriend and I get along great I just wonder if we can make it because of our differences and his lack of money management. I am not a snob, nor lazy. No, I do not want to work outside the home but if that's what I had to do to put my food in my child't mouth, I would. To those that had helpful comments, thank you.

You sound like a good person, OP. DCUM is a harsh crowd, don't let them get to you. Good luck in figuring things out, wishing you the best.

+1. OP, you sound like you're trying to do the right thing here. You do sound a bit sheltered and naive. I posted earlier that you should take this time to focus on you and your son and that your bf sounds like a bad idea because he's extremely co-dependent at best. No need to defend your past; just focus on your future.

In response to your original question: Drop the guy. You have a son and you don't need to add in a grown man so irresponsible that he needs you to manage his finances and his whole life other than his construction work. I mean this gently, but you have some growing up to do. Plan out how to ensure a good life for you and your son, and grow up without a significant other until you're comfortable standing on your own two feet. You're now faced with gaining the maturity and independence that many women gained in their 20's. I'm rooting for you and I think you can do this. Take care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am not as bad a person as y'all think I am, goodness. I was raised to get an education but then to take care of a house and home. I cooked meals and kept a spotless house every single day for my husband who worked long hours at a law firm. Many of his co workers, male and female, said they wished they had a wife life me or some of the women said they would like to do what i was doing. We were a single income family happily. He did make a lot of money so I didn't "have" to work. It worked for us. A year after I got married, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. I took care of her for close to 10 years. I put off having children the last few years of her life because of that. I sat by her bedside, cooked her meals, changed her bandages after brain surgery, made her doctor's appointments, dealt with her insurance, so all of you who think I sat around and took my husband's money are dead wrong. Cultural relativism works inside the US, too. We tried for children for almost 3 years so that caused further delays, and during that time my father was diagnosed. So ALL i know how to do, or want to do, is take care of people I love. My boyfriend and I get along great I just wonder if we can make it because of our differences and his lack of money management. I am not a snob, nor lazy. No, I do not want to work outside the home but if that's what I had to do to put my food in my child't mouth, I would. To those that had helpful comments, thank you.

I don't think you are a bad person, OP. But you are not being realistic about your prospects. No, you are probably not going to be happy with this guy in the long term, given your differences and his questionable financial stability. However, given that you are a 40-year-old single parent with no money and no career, I don't think the kind of man you ultimately want is going to be interested in you unless you are an absolute goddess physically, and frankly probably not even then, because you're competing with younger women without children. You either have to settle for a husband that isn't quite what you want, like this guy, or you have to go get a job.

I have a gorgeous single (no kids) 40-year-old friend with similar standards. She wants a man who is well off but also tall, educated, liberal, and no kids, and she's been looking for that man for close to a decade with zero luck. She is already naturally beautiful, has had minor work done that keeps her looking 30, and works out constantly to maintain her body. She gets male attention everywhere she goes, is always going on dates, and has no trouble getting boyfriends, but none have led to marriage. The guys that fit her criteria will date her for up to a year and then move on to quickly marry younger women or women within their own socioeconomic circle (usually both).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am not as bad a person as y'all think I am, goodness. I was raised to get an education but then to take care of a house and home. I cooked meals and kept a spotless house every single day for my husband who worked long hours at a law firm. Many of his co workers, male and female, said they wished they had a wife life me or some of the women said they would like to do what i was doing. We were a single income family happily. He did make a lot of money so I didn't "have" to work. It worked for us. A year after I got married, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. I took care of her for close to 10 years. I put off having children the last few years of her life because of that. I sat by her bedside, cooked her meals, changed her bandages after brain surgery, made her doctor's appointments, dealt with her insurance, so all of you who think I sat around and took my husband's money are dead wrong. Cultural relativism works inside the US, too. We tried for children for almost 3 years so that caused further delays, and during that time my father was diagnosed. So ALL i know how to do, or want to do, is take care of people I love. My boyfriend and I get along great I just wonder if we can make it because of our differences and his lack of money management. I am not a snob, nor lazy. No, I do not want to work outside the home but if that's what I had to do to put my food in my child't mouth, I would. To those that had helpful comments, thank you.

But OP, you did take your husband's money. I'm not saying there weren't extenuating circumstances, but you did simply rely on his income your entire adult life, basically. Some of us have had to take care of people AND work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am not as bad a person as y'all think I am, goodness. I was raised to get an education but then to take care of a house and home. I cooked meals and kept a spotless house every single day for my husband who worked long hours at a law firm. Many of his co workers, male and female, said they wished they had a wife life me or some of the women said they would like to do what i was doing. We were a single income family happily. He did make a lot of money so I didn't "have" to work. It worked for us. A year after I got married, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. I took care of her for close to 10 years. I put off having children the last few years of her life because of that. I sat by her bedside, cooked her meals, changed her bandages after brain surgery, made her doctor's appointments, dealt with her insurance, so all of you who think I sat around and took my husband's money are dead wrong. Cultural relativism works inside the US, too. We tried for children for almost 3 years so that caused further delays, and during that time my father was diagnosed. So ALL i know how to do, or want to do, is take care of people I love. My boyfriend and I get along great I just wonder if we can make it because of our differences and his lack of money management. I am not a snob, nor lazy. No, I do not want to work outside the home but if that's what I had to do to put my food in my child't mouth, I would. To those that had helpful comments, thank you.

But OP, you did take your husband's money. I'm not saying there weren't extenuating circumstances, but you did simply rely on his income your entire adult life, basically. Some of us have had to take care of people AND work.

Yep. My mother cared for my ailing grandparents who lived with us, raised two kids, AND held down a management level job in IT. It's great that OP did that, but people do it and work full time. Lots of people. Look at this site alone. You aren't some sort of unsung hero, OP, you're a very privileged person who lived a sheltered life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why did you get divorced?

Not OP, here. That is really non of your business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why did you get divorced?

Not OP, here. That is really non of your business.

None of this is our business, but she's asking for advice and thoughts, so a request for further information is not out of the question. Untwist your knickers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am not as bad a person as y'all think I am, goodness. I was raised to get an education but then to take care of a house and home. I cooked meals and kept a spotless house every single day for my husband who worked long hours at a law firm. Many of his co workers, male and female, said they wished they had a wife life me or some of the women said they would like to do what i was doing. We were a single income family happily. He did make a lot of money so I didn't "have" to work. It worked for us. A year after I got married, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. I took care of her for close to 10 years. I put off having children the last few years of her life because of that. I sat by her bedside, cooked her meals, changed her bandages after brain surgery, made her doctor's appointments, dealt with her insurance, so all of you who think I sat around and took my husband's money are dead wrong. Cultural relativism works inside the US, too. We tried for children for almost 3 years so that caused further delays, and during that time my father was diagnosed. So ALL i know how to do, or want to do, is take care of people I love. My boyfriend and I get along great I just wonder if we can make it because of our differences and his lack of money management. I am not a snob, nor lazy. No, I do not want to work outside the home but if that's what I had to do to put my food in my child't mouth, I would. To those that had helpful comments, thank you.

You sound like a good person, OP. DCUM is a harsh crowd, don't let them get to you. Good luck in figuring things out, wishing you the best.

+1. OP, you sound like you're trying to do the right thing here. You do sound a bit sheltered and naive. I posted earlier that you should take this time to focus on you and your son and that your bf sounds like a bad idea because he's extremely co-dependent at best. No need to defend your past; just focus on your future.

In response to your original question: Drop the guy. You have a son and you don't need to add in a grown man so irresponsible that he needs you to manage his finances and his whole life other than his construction work. I mean this gently, but you have some growing up to do. Plan out how to ensure a good life for you and your son, and grow up without a significant other until you're comfortable standing on your own two feet. You're now faced with gaining the maturity and independence that many women gained in their 20's. I'm rooting for you and I think you can do this. Take care.

This. Do you want your son to grow up with this man as a role model? Someone who can't manage basic finances and whose political beliefs/values are so vastly different than yours?

Also, I am not trying to be mean, but I hope you are not seeing this man, having him to your home, etc., while he is likely still working and thus at a higher risk of contracting Coronavirus. If I were your ex and I found this out, I would be absolutely livid.

I agree that you sound like a decent person, just sheltered and naive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am not as bad a person as y'all think I am, goodness. I was raised to get an education but then to take care of a house and home. I cooked meals and kept a spotless house every single day for my husband who worked long hours at a law firm. Many of his co workers, male and female, said they wished they had a wife life me or some of the women said they would like to do what i was doing. We were a single income family happily. He did make a lot of money so I didn't "have" to work. It worked for us. A year after I got married, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. I took care of her for close to 10 years. I put off having children the last few years of her life because of that. I sat by her bedside, cooked her meals, changed her bandages after brain surgery, made her doctor's appointments, dealt with her insurance, so all of you who think I sat around and took my husband's money are dead wrong. Cultural relativism works inside the US, too. We tried for children for almost 3 years so that caused further delays, and during that time my father was diagnosed. So ALL i know how to do, or want to do, is take care of people I love. My boyfriend and I get along great I just wonder if we can make it because of our differences and his lack of money management. I am not a snob, nor lazy. No, I do not want to work outside the home but if that's what I had to do to put my food in my child't mouth, I would. To those that had helpful comments, thank you.

You’re still not any kind of “collar” that’s better than blue collar, sweetie.

[Anonymous]

You sound codependent OP. What kind of mother lets her daughter take care of her at the expense of everything else for TEN years?! That sounds horrifically dysfunctional. I would seek therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound codependent OP. What kind of mother lets her daughter take care of her at the expense of everything else for TEN years?! That sounds horrifically dysfunctional. I would seek therapy.

I disagree. It doesn't sound like OP was very career-focused before her mother got sick (OP, correct me if I'm wrong). If OP had the ability to care for her sick mother and her DH was on board with it, then why wouldn't she? She didn't want a career anyway, so what better use of her time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound codependent OP. What kind of mother lets her daughter take care of her at the expense of everything else for TEN years?! That sounds horrifically dysfunctional. I would seek therapy.

I disagree. It doesn't sound like OP was very career-focused before her mother got sick (OP, correct me if I'm wrong). If OP had the ability to care for her sick mother and her DH was on board with it, then why wouldn't she? She didn't want a career anyway, so what better use of her time?

She put off kids until her 40’s to care for her mother!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am not as bad a person as y'all think I am, goodness. I was raised to get an education but then to take care of a house and home. I cooked meals and kept a spotless house every single day for my husband who worked long hours at a law firm. Many of his co workers, male and female, said they wished they had a wife life me or some of the women said they would like to do what i was doing. We were a single income family happily. He did make a lot of money so I didn't "have" to work. It worked for us. A year after I got married, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. I took care of her for close to 10 years. I put off having children the last few years of her life because of that. I sat by her bedside, cooked her meals, changed her bandages after brain surgery, made her doctor's appointments, dealt with her insurance, so all of you who think I sat around and took my husband's money are dead wrong. Cultural relativism works inside the US, too. We tried for children for almost 3 years so that caused further delays, and during that time my father was diagnosed. So ALL i know how to do, or want to do, is take care of people I love. My boyfriend and I get along great I just wonder if we can make it because of our differences and his lack of money management. I am not a snob, nor lazy. No, I do not want to work outside the home but if that's what I had to do to put my food in my child't mouth, I would. To those that had helpful comments, thank you.

You are a good person. Elder care is difficult. Don’t listen to the criticisms on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Your EXDH was an angel to support you while you took care of your own ailing relatives. Now you expect some other guy to take care of you and someone else's kid? Wow, just wow. Let this guy go. He'll dodge a bullet.

[Anonymous]

Will you blame it all on his roots, if he shows up in boots and ruins your black-tie affair?