I told DW it’s time for her to return to work FT

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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What if she's fine living on a lower income? You can't make someone work for a lifestyle they don't want, OP. This is my husband. He has a high IQ, multiple terminal degrees, and earns very little in a little business working for NIH scientists. It's maddening that he thinks everything is peachy when all his peers have actual careers and make much more.

Or, he could get a better paying job. That is what my husband did.

You don't understand. My husband is FINE with this situation. He's been refusing to budge for years. This is why it's maddening.
And he doesn't help around the house either.

OP can make more money. Your husband probably has a good income just not good enough for you.

25K for the year, in the DC area. He has a PhD. His business is not working, he just doesn't want to admit it and likes the low pressure. What was that you said about a good income?

Why did you marry him?

This is hilarious. It’s the OP situation in reverse.

Breadwinner spouse complaining about low income spouse not working to make more money; only genders are reversed.

But no one goes ‘why did you marry her’.

OP was happy to have a SAH spouse when his kids were younger so could invest in his career and never worry about daycare drop offs or sick days. His wife handled everything at home. The PP never had a supportive spouse like that - she specifically says he doesn’t help around the house or with the kids. She’s doing everything AND subsidizing his hobby. Now THAT is crazy.

What are you talking about, he is GS15, so drop off, pick up, sick days pretty flexible.

It’s not like he was big law gone for weeks at a time.

The OP specifically said that he wanted his wife to stay home when their kids were little. I am taking him at his word, just like I believe him when he says he wants her to go to work full time now.

Let’s not rewrite history.

They had an agreement she'd stay home and now he's not honoring the agreement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read about over-functioning and under-functioning in relationships. Instead of issuing an ultimatum for change, see if there are changes that you can make that will shift some of the balances. This might mean that you Do more with the kids while she looks for new jobs, etc.

Do more with the kids? What the hell do you do with high schoolers? I see mine at dinner if I’m lucky. They don’t need rides b/c they either drive or take the county or late bus.

Ours don't drive yet so they need rides every night to sports and other activities. And, to school and back. Plus, we actually spend time together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Hahaha!!!!

OP if your wife makes 18K part time, she’s going to be lucky to find a 45k full time job. And keep in mind that’s going to be taxed at your GS15 tax bracket.

You are seriously considering blowing up your life over the possibility of increasing your take home income by less than 20K. Let that sink in. You’re willing to risk half your retirement, all of your savings, sell your house and move somewhere cheaper. Not to mention the emotional impact on your kids.

Wow, just wow.

I can see it now. Your kid will ask why you got divorced and you’ll say “Your mother wasn’t making enough money to contribute to your 529 so I decided to divorce her and spend all the money we had saved on legal fees! That showed her!”

It will not be $20 post taxes and everything else. Maybe $10K at best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ultimatum? You value money over all else. You don’t care if she’s in your life or not. She was just your unpaid tool. You’d be equally happy with a life insurance payout for her.

Actually, if he got rid of her, she'd have one less person to take care of.. that would make things easier for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ultimatum? You value money over all else. You don’t care if she’s in your life or not. She was just your unpaid tool. You’d be equally happy with a life insurance payout for her.

Actually, if he got rid of her, she'd have one less person to take care of.. that would make things easier for her.

True.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read about over-functioning and under-functioning in relationships. Instead of issuing an ultimatum for change, see if there are changes that you can make that will shift some of the balances. This might mean that you Do more with the kids while she looks for new jobs, etc.

Do more with the kids? What the hell do you do with high schoolers? I see mine at dinner if I’m lucky. They don’t need rides b/c they either drive or take the county or late bus.

Ours don't drive yet so they need rides every night to sports and other activities. And, to school and back. Plus, we actually spend time together.

To school and back? Thats on you for making work for yourself.

Rides to sports every night?

Fine, he's a GS15, so he can punch out at 5, and then drive the kids to sports. Or they can do carpool like 99% of parents.

During the work week, the kids have homework, sports, etc, its not like you have family bowling or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can she really make that much? I had two masters and never cracked 50k. It sounds like if she worked full time that is about what she would make. Her salary would go to the commute and take out unless the kids make dinner.

If she makes $18 part time she'll make $40, maybe 50K. After taxes, a housekeeper and extra expenses due to work it may not be as much as he thinks.

Why would they need a housekeeper?! Lady you are crazy.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:
What if she's fine living on a lower income? You can't make someone work for a lifestyle they don't want, OP. This is my husband. He has a high IQ, multiple terminal degrees, and earns very little in a little business working for NIH scientists. It's maddening that he thinks everything is peachy when all his peers have actual careers and make much more.

Or, he could get a better paying job. That is what my husband did.

You don't understand. My husband is FINE with this situation. He's been refusing to budge for years. This is why it's maddening.
And he doesn't help around the house either.

OP can make more money. Your husband probably has a good income just not good enough for you.

25K for the year, in the DC area. He has a PhD. His business is not working, he just doesn't want to admit it and likes the low pressure. What was that you said about a good income?

Why did you marry him?

This is hilarious. It’s the OP situation in reverse.

Breadwinner spouse complaining about low income spouse not working to make more money; only genders are reversed.

But no one goes ‘why did you marry her’.

OP was happy to have a SAH spouse when his kids were younger so could invest in his career and never worry about daycare drop offs or sick days. His wife handled everything at home. The PP never had a supportive spouse like that - she specifically says he doesn’t help around the house or with the kids. She’s doing everything AND subsidizing his hobby. Now THAT is crazy.

What are you talking about, he is GS15, so drop off, pick up, sick days pretty flexible.

It’s not like he was big law gone for weeks at a time.

The OP specifically said that he wanted his wife to stay home when their kids were little. I am taking him at his word, just like I believe him when he says he wants her to go to work full time now.

Let’s not rewrite history.

They had an agreement she'd stay home and now he's not honoring the agreement.

Forgot rewriting history, you can't even follow the OP.

His first line is about how they had a discussion and the agreement was that she would return to the workforce.

No where did he specify HE wanted to have her stay home when the kids were little. I suspect DW desperately wanted to stay home and he was willing to humor her if she agreed it was temporary.

He's a GS15 now, probably worked in gov for a long time, and that is not the type of person who is career driven and expects a SAHM to support them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read about over-functioning and under-functioning in relationships. Instead of issuing an ultimatum for change, see if there are changes that you can make that will shift some of the balances. This might mean that you Do more with the kids while she looks for new jobs, etc.

Do more with the kids? What the hell do you do with high schoolers? I see mine at dinner if I’m lucky. They don’t need rides b/c they either drive or take the county or late bus.

Ours don't drive yet so they need rides every night to sports and other activities. And, to school and back. Plus, we actually spend time together.

To school and back? Thats on you for making work for yourself.

Rides to sports every night?

Fine, he's a GS15, so he can punch out at 5, and then drive the kids to sports. Or they can do carpool like 99% of parents.

During the work week, the kids have homework, sports, etc, its not like you have family bowling or something.

Not all publics provide buses. How else will they get to school? Not carpooling and having to drive other kids. Far more inconvenient.

That only works if your kids have later sports. Ours are at 5:15, so he'll make it home and to the practice in 15 minutes. Good for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can she really make that much? I had two masters and never cracked 50k. It sounds like if she worked full time that is about what she would make. Her salary would go to the commute and take out unless the kids make dinner.

If she makes $18 part time she'll make $40, maybe 50K. After taxes, a housekeeper and extra expenses due to work it may not be as much as he thinks.

Why would they need a housekeeper?! Lady you are crazy.

He's not offering to do the work she does 50/50 so either he does it or they hire someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read about over-functioning and under-functioning in relationships. Instead of issuing an ultimatum for change, see if there are changes that you can make that will shift some of the balances. This might mean that you Do more with the kids while she looks for new jobs, etc.

Do more with the kids? What the hell do you do with high schoolers? I see mine at dinner if I’m lucky. They don’t need rides b/c they either drive or take the county or late bus.

Ours don't drive yet so they need rides every night to sports and other activities. And, to school and back. Plus, we actually spend time together.

To school and back? Thats on you for making work for yourself.

Rides to sports every night?

Fine, he's a GS15, so he can punch out at 5, and then drive the kids to sports. Or they can do carpool like 99% of parents.

During the work week, the kids have homework, sports, etc, its not like you have family bowling or something.

Not all publics provide buses. How else will they get to school? Not carpooling and having to drive other kids. Far more inconvenient.

That only works if your kids have later sports. Ours are at 5:15, so he'll make it home and to the practice in 15 minutes. Good for him.

You are literally just making up scenarios now. You have no idea what OP does or doesn’t do with the kids, what his wife does or doesn’t do, and what his kids’ schedules are. All do these posts disparaging OP for imaginary sins are off the deep end, and I’m used to this board being ridiculously pro-wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read about over-functioning and under-functioning in relationships. Instead of issuing an ultimatum for change, see if there are changes that you can make that will shift some of the balances. This might mean that you Do more with the kids while she looks for new jobs, etc.

Do more with the kids? What the hell do you do with high schoolers? I see mine at dinner if I’m lucky. They don’t need rides b/c they either drive or take the county or late bus.

Ours don't drive yet so they need rides every night to sports and other activities. And, to school and back. Plus, we actually spend time together.

To school and back? Thats on you for making work for yourself.

Rides to sports every night?

Fine, he's a GS15, so he can punch out at 5, and then drive the kids to sports. Or they can do carpool like 99% of parents.

During the work week, the kids have homework, sports, etc, its not like you have family bowling or something.

Not all publics provide buses. How else will they get to school? Not carpooling and having to drive other kids. Far more inconvenient.

That only works if your kids have later sports. Ours are at 5:15, so he'll make it home and to the practice in 15 minutes. Good for him.

Okay, if you construct extreme situations (do any publics around here not have buses) AND they have early practice AND he just can't get to work an hour earlier (b/c most likely he can and leave at 4), then yes, you have successfully constructed a life where you SAH is crucial to the daily life of proto-adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You still have kids at home. To you it’s a no-brainer. For her - it will turn her whole world upside down. Will the kids come home to an empty house? Are they old enough to drive themselves to practices? Are you prepared to miss work to cover 50% of the crap that comes up during the day that she’s likely been covering herself for years? What do the kids do all summer while school’s out?

When a mom goes back to work FT after 15 years, everyone suffers a little bit. It will be a big adjustment for the whole family.

There’s more to life than money. Personally I’d rather eat beans than be forced back to work FT against my will so my teens can go home to an empty house from 2-6 every day. It’s not about keeping up with the rainmaker friends. It’s about maintaining connections with the kids while they’re still at home. They’re only under your roof for a couple more years. Can’t you catch up on savings once the kids are gone?

New poster here- This comment above nailed it. Calculate all the unpaid labor she does at home. Does she cook, clean, make doctor appointments, take the cars to get serviced, shuttle kids to and from events, do birthday gifts magically appeared wrapped up, fridge full of food, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You still have kids at home. To you it’s a no-brainer. For her - it will turn her whole world upside down. Will the kids come home to an empty house? Are they old enough to drive themselves to practices? Are you prepared to miss work to cover 50% of the crap that comes up during the day that she’s likely been covering herself for years? What do the kids do all summer while school’s out?

When a mom goes back to work FT after 15 years, everyone suffers a little bit. It will be a big adjustment for the whole family.

There’s more to life than money. Personally I’d rather eat beans than be forced back to work FT against my will so my teens can go home to an empty house from 2-6 every day. It’s not about keeping up with the rainmaker friends. It’s about maintaining connections with the kids while they’re still at home. They’re only under your roof for a couple more years. Can’t you catch up on savings once the kids are gone?

New poster here- This comment above nailed it. Calculate all the unpaid labor she does at home. Does she cook, clean, make doctor appointments, take the cars to get serviced, shuttle kids to and from events, do birthday gifts magically appeared wrapped up, fridge full of food, etc.

Or, just make a list and have OP agree to doing half, more if necessary so she can focus on her career.

Don't forget clothing for kids, last minute school supplies, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can she really make that much? I had two masters and never cracked 50k. It sounds like if she worked full time that is about what she would make. Her salary would go to the commute and take out unless the kids make dinner.

If she makes $18 part time she'll make $40, maybe 50K. After taxes, a housekeeper and extra expenses due to work it may not be as much as he thinks.

Why would they need a housekeeper?! Lady you are crazy.

He's not offering to do the work she does 50/50 so either he does it or they hire someone.

Where are you getting that he won’t help? Somehow my husband and I both manage to work full time with two little kids AND do laundry, cook, and clean. I’m not seeing how it would be impossible for OPs family, especially since the kids are old enough to help.