I am heartbroken

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She does want the baby, so no abortion. She has been on the pill, the chip and was using condoms at various times. I think she wanted to get pregnant, just not sure why. This is not how she was raised, we are pretty open family.

OK. OP, it's not going to be the easiest path, but it is going to be OK. Have all the feelings. It's OK.

Some really amazing and successful adults I know in my life had babies at 15, 17. This isn't the end of her story by a long shot.

Ugh...the height of irresponsibility. She's going to have a baby that she can't take care of, and is going to expect her parents to step in and save her-- give her a place to live, raise her child, financially support her and her baby, etc.

Do you save her often? This is why I didn't get pregnant in HS-- I knew I was on my own if that happened. My mom was a single mom and very clear-- "you get pregnant, you figure it out. I can't and won't help."

Suggest you give her a lot of kind words, emotional support, and explain that she's made an adult decision so will need to be an adult now.

That's how you fail your child, PP, and theirs as well. It's stupid and based on completely twisted, short-sighted principles. If my child became pregnant, I would help her as much as possible. I did not have kids to abandon them in their time of need. I think in terms of family and generational success, so I am invested in my child's and any grandchildren's success. Your mother might not have had the financial and psychological bandwidth to help you, had you become pregnant as a teen, and that's perhaps not her fault, but it doesn't follow that this is a particularly praiseworthy moral position. Quite the opposite. Actually your mother may have tried to scare you straight, but she might very well have helped you to the best of her ability (sounds more likely).

OP here - This is all well as said, except the fact that I asked her to be careful and not to get pregnant, drove her to get pills. This was no accident. That's what makes me sad. To me, she is ruining her life.

The pill is not 100%. There are a lot of women who get pregnant on the pill. It isn't about mistakes in taking it, or engineering an accident. It fails sometimes. All methods, including vasectomy and IUDs, fail sometimes.

But if she says it was on purpose then I hope you can find a way to get her in to therapy. When teens do this there are psychological issues going on for them to make this choice. You have to address those and the pregnancy, not just the pregnancy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She does want the baby, so no abortion. She has been on the pill, the chip and was using condoms at various times. I think she wanted to get pregnant, just not sure why. This is not how she was raised, we are pretty open family.

OK. OP, it's not going to be the easiest path, but it is going to be OK. Have all the feelings. It's OK.

Some really amazing and successful adults I know in my life had babies at 15, 17. This isn't the end of her story by a long shot.

Ugh...the height of irresponsibility. She's going to have a baby that she can't take care of, and is going to expect her parents to step in and save her-- give her a place to live, raise her child, financially support her and her baby, etc.

Do you save her often? This is why I didn't get pregnant in HS-- I knew I was on my own if that happened. My mom was a single mom and very clear-- "you get pregnant, you figure it out. I can't and won't help."

Suggest you give her a lot of kind words, emotional support, and explain that she's made an adult decision so will need to be an adult now.

That's how you fail your child, PP, and theirs as well. It's stupid and based on completely twisted, short-sighted principles. If my child became pregnant, I would help her as much as possible. I did not have kids to abandon them in their time of need. I think in terms of family and generational success, so I am invested in my child's and any grandchildren's success. Your mother might not have had the financial and psychological bandwidth to help you, had you become pregnant as a teen, and that's perhaps not her fault, but it doesn't follow that this is a particularly praiseworthy moral position. Quite the opposite. Actually your mother may have tried to scare you straight, but she might very well have helped you to the best of her ability (sounds more likely).

OP here - This is all well as said, except the fact that I asked her to be careful and not to get pregnant, drove her to get pills. This was no accident. That's what makes me sad. To me, she is ruining her life.

Yeah that would make me sad too. I don’t think she is ruining her life but she is making it a whole lot more difficult. And if she is expecting you to provide childcare, that’s completely unfair of her. Yes parents have to take care of their kids but she isn’t a child anymore and you shouldn’t be expected to sacrifice your life (figuratively speaking) because of her apparently thought-out decisions.

Being helpful = good. Letting your kid take you completely for granted and sacrificing yourself = bad.

So frustrating when you do your best to help kids and they blow it.

I totally understand the shock and frustration OP. I want to give another perspective based on a family member's experience. My cousin got pregnant at 18, like you, her parents were extremely frustrated and shocked. Both families( of BF and GF) together with my cousin and his BF sat together and had a proper scolding. At that time, both of them were also overwhelmed and thinking of dropping of school and find a job to support their family, since they chose to keep the baby and want to be married. Both set of parents are firm that they both need to finish college and that they will be supported financially. They were expected to do this while raising their child( with support from parents). They got married, and lived with my cousin's parents. After about a year she was pregnant again. Eventually, they ventured into business, my cousin finished college although it took a lot longer than usual, husband did not finish college but was helping with business, Fast forward 15 years later, they now have several businesses, they are still together, although the early years were extremely difficult. They now have a 3rd child and for the first time having the experience of raising the child on their own without either of their parents help. Bottom line is, I think they were very determined to make this work for them and both families helped them out to get there.

It is not a situation that I would chose for myself, but it is a realization that if this happens, it is not the end of the world.

[Anonymous]

I totally understand the shock and frustration OP. I want to give another perspective based on a family member's experience. My cousin got pregnant at 18, like you, her parents were extremely frustrated and shocked. Both families( of BF and GF) together with my cousin and his BF sat together and had a proper scolding. At that time, both of them were also overwhelmed and thinking of dropping of school and find a job to support their family, since they chose to keep the baby and want to be married. Both set of parents are firm that they both need to finish college and that they will be supported financially. They were expected to do this while raising their child( with support from parents). They got married, and lived with my cousin's parents. After about a year she was pregnant again. Eventually, they ventured into business, my cousin finished college although it took a lot longer than usual, husband did not finish college but was helping with business, Fast forward 15 years later, they now have several businesses, they are still together, although the early years were extremely difficult. They now have a 3rd child and for the first time having the experience of raising the child on their own without either of their parents help. Bottom line is, I think they were very determined to make this work for them and both families helped them out to get there.

It is not a situation that I would chose for myself, but it is a realization that if this happens, it is not the end of the world.

Thank you - this is a different perspective.

[Anonymous]

I hope those of you so 'disgusted' with those of us suggesting, nay, imploring that the teenager have an abortion know that a large number of your female friends, coworkers and even family members have had abortions that you don't know about.

You're casting judgement and it's gross to a lot of people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope those of you so 'disgusted' with those of us suggesting, nay, imploring that the teenager have an abortion know that a large number of your female friends, coworkers and even family members have had abortions that you don't know about.

You're casting judgement and it's gross to a lot of people.

I think it is more disgust that that should be the only option and that OP should just drive her to a clinic, without any regard for what her daughter wants. The daughter has said that she intends to keep the baby. It isn't OPs body and you no place is going to force an abortion on an 18 year old without her permission.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand the shock and frustration OP. I want to give another perspective based on a family member's experience. My cousin got pregnant at 18, like you, her parents were extremely frustrated and shocked. Both families( of BF and GF) together with my cousin and his BF sat together and had a proper scolding. At that time, both of them were also overwhelmed and thinking of dropping of school and find a job to support their family, since they chose to keep the baby and want to be married. Both set of parents are firm that they both need to finish college and that they will be supported financially. They were expected to do this while raising their child( with support from parents). They got married, and lived with my cousin's parents. After about a year she was pregnant again. Eventually, they ventured into business, my cousin finished college although it took a lot longer than usual, husband did not finish college but was helping with business, Fast forward 15 years later, they now have several businesses, they are still together, although the early years were extremely difficult. They now have a 3rd child and for the first time having the experience of raising the child on their own without either of their parents help. Bottom line is, I think they were very determined to make this work for them and both families helped them out to get there.

It is not a situation that I would chose for myself, but it is a realization that if this happens, it is not the end of the world.

Thank you - this is a different perspective.

I don't understand why they weren't on birth control for the 2nd child. If you are ultra religious, this marrying early and no birth control is explainable. Otherwise it is insane. You need to get to the root of the reason of why she got pregnant (I don't buy the oops the pill failed excuse). They should have been using condoms and birth control.

Moving forward I would insist on an IUD or depo shot before I was to financially support either teen with housing, childcare, tuition or even insurance.

[Anonymous]

The best way to convince anyone of anything is to start by listening - Don't jump to telling her what to do, in fact, don't offer anything (help, advice, berating). She will expect and want your opinion and advice so don't give it to her yet.

Ask her what her plan is. If she doesn't have one, ask more questions to help her figure out the plan. Where are you going to give birth? Who will support you in the delivery room? Where are you going to live? How much does that cost per month? How are you going to finish school? Where is the baby going to go to daycare? How much does that cost per month? How much money can you make with a part time/summer job? What's your plan 5 years out? How are you going to give this baby a great life?

Say all of this kindly, with understanding, and listen to her answers. Most likely she will be overwhelmed and this is what you want. The more overwhelmed she is, that means she understands the reality of her situation.

Once she does ask for your advice I'd say something like, "well I have a different perspective than you do so I can only tell you what I would do if I were in your position. And I have been a mom so I have learned from my own mistakes too. I'd wait to be a mom until I'm ready to give my children a great life."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s really crappy for a teen to expect her mom to financially support her and a new baby. I would never have expected my parents to do that. She sounds like a terrible daughter.

Teens are crappy. This is why you make them get an IUD before they are sexually active. They make dumb decisions without thinking of the consequences.

[Anonymous]

OP I am sure this is very difficult for you.

If she got pregnant on purpose, there has to be a lot going on for her that led her to wanting that at this age. She mention there have been other struggles as well. It sounds like she also went through a divorce.

It is unfortunate that she feels that having a child to love / love her will be what improves her life right now but for whatever reason she feels that way.

Has she graduated high school? What has been going on with her that led to feel this was the direction she wanted to go in.

She is obviously lacking something in her life. At this point she has made a choice that your anger isn't going to change. You have made your disappointment clear. Now isn't he time to cut her off. Take a few days to get yourself settled and then meet up and talk to her as calmly as you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s really crappy for a teen to expect her mom to financially support her and a new baby. I would never have expected my parents to do that. She sounds like a terrible daughter.

Teens are crappy. This is why you make them get an IUD before they are sexually active. They make dumb decisions without thinking of the consequences.

Almost no teens get IUDs before becoming sexually active.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope those of you so 'disgusted' with those of us suggesting, nay, imploring that the teenager have an abortion know that a large number of your female friends, coworkers and even family members have had abortions that you don't know about.

You're casting judgement and it's gross to a lot of people.

I think it is more disgust that that should be the only option and that OP should just drive her to a clinic, without any regard for what her daughter wants. The daughter has said that she intends to keep the baby. It isn't OPs body and you no place is going to force an abortion on an 18 year old without her permission.

I don't think OP should force her daughter to abort, but she shouldn't have an unwanted financial burden forced on her either. She needs to sit down and work with her daughter to come with a plan for how daughter will manage finances, childcare, etc. She's 18, legally an adult, and about to be a parent - time to grow up.

[Anonymous]

She got pregnant on purpose - maybe her boyfriend is leaving for college soon, maybe she was just trying to hold on to that loser (he is, in fact, a loser for not taking a more active part in birth control).

She needs to really rethink just how difficult life is for a young, uneducated, single mother. Send her to volunteer at a shelter for women and children or something. Shit, have her come hang out with me for a few hours.

She should not have this baby. She can always start her family later and needs to understand that this is an option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She got pregnant on purpose - maybe her boyfriend is leaving for college soon, maybe she was just trying to hold on to that loser (he is, in fact, a loser for not taking a more active part in birth control).

She needs to really rethink just how difficult life is for a young, uneducated, single mother. Send her to volunteer at a shelter for women and children or something. Shit, have her come hang out with me for a few hours.

She should not have this baby. She can always start her family later and needs to understand that this is an option.

Sorry, if he's a loser, so is she.

The fact is she holds the cards now.

[Anonymous]

My friend's mom once said 'If you ever come home pregnant, remember that I love you and ignore everything I say in the first few hours."


If your DD plans to keep the baby, make sure you set up expectations of what that means for her life (no college, need to get a job, you'll help but you will not be free childcare).

And make her informed of all the options that go exist with the pros and cons of them all. As an adoptee born to a 16 year old, I'm a big supporter of adoption in this case. I'd also try and make more sense of your idea that she wanted to get pregnant (is the father going to school and she was afraid of them breaking up?)

Best of luck

[Anonymous]

My sister and sister-in-law both had teen pregnancies. They’re both barely getting by, and none of their kids are great. Anecdotes aren’t data but I will definitely counsel any children of mine in this situation to get an abortion. The odds are very slim that things will turn out well.