Why do so many on DCUM have in law problems?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s like yelp reviews. Only those who really have a problem post.

+2

Well, I'll post just to say that I absolutely love my MIL and she's the absolute best. I love spending time with her and talking to her, she's like a second mom and a best friend. That being said, I also have friends that can't get along with their MILS. I feel very lucky to have a MIL that is so wonderful, especially after reading posts on here. My FIL though is a verbally abusive jerk that I don't want to be around. My mother is also one of the nicest people ever, my stepdad was also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My favorite are the ones who complain about how their husbands won’t stand up to their controlling and manipulative MILs with no self-awareness about why their husbands were attracted to them to begin with.

Yes and no. In the vast majority of marriages that I know (extended family and close friends)- one partner or the other is more dominant. I don’t find this is gender biased either- more of a personality thing. I think problems arise when parents see that their “adult child” is the passive one in the marriage- and it makes them very nervous so they try to step in and “take back” some of that perceived control from the “outsider”.

I’m not talking abuse or manipulation either- I have just noticed that in many many marriages this is the pattern and both partners seem happy with the arrangement. I think people somehow pair off this way without consciously thinking of why or realizing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My favorite are the ones who complain about how their husbands won’t stand up to their controlling and manipulative MILs with no self-awareness about why their husbands were attracted to them to begin with.

Yes and no. In the vast majority of marriages that I know (extended family and close friends)- one partner or the other is more dominant. I don’t find this is gender biased either- more of a personality thing. I think problems arise when parents see that their “adult child” is the passive one in the marriage- and it makes them very nervous so they try to step in and “take back” some of that perceived control from the “outsider”.

I’m not talking abuse or manipulation either- I have just noticed that in many many marriages this is the pattern and both partners seem happy with the arrangement. I think people somehow pair off this way without consciously thinking of why or realizing it.

ETA: my point being that MIL may have very well been in charge/more dominant in her own marriage. Not surprising that she will tangle with an adult child’s spouse who she perceives as dominant (while approving if it is her own adult child in that role)

[Anonymous]

In-laws suck! Nothing but forced relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's unique to DCUM. All my friends in the "nice" midwest have an inlaw problem too. People on here are just blunt.

Here's the thing: I don't know anyone on either the midwest or the DC area who has any real problems with in laws. We don't. Never have. Our kids don't. Never have. Our friends don't. Never have.

It's a DCUM issue.

Same here. It's odd to me that so many people have so many in-law issues, many of which can be chalked up to the women being control freaks (DIL and MILs) and the men being milquetoasts. But the people here think it's normal because so many here share the problem, just like the people with out of control children think it's normal because so many people with out of control children post here. So happy with my marriage and family, I tell you what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most people I know well enough to actually talk to about stuff like this have problems with their in laws, their own parents or both. Most, not all.

I don't know -any- people who have inlaw or parent problems like I see here on DCUM. No one in my neighborhood, at the club, at our kids schools, at work. Yes, everyone has small challenges (ugh my dad missed 2 doctor appointments so I had to …, rats my inlaws got lost going to Little Larlo's game and now they're stuck in traffic in Tysons and the game is almost over …, omg my dad forgot Hubby's birthday again and I forgot to remind him …) but I can't think of single friend or couple that have the kinds of bitter, cutting anger towards family members that I see here.

I just don't get all the anger. Honestly I think people reap what they sow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It really makes me wonder where the actual problem is coming from. If you catch my drift . . .

I think the problems I've seen on DCUM are much more real/substantiated than the ones I used to see on my wedding planning and pregnancy boards....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's unique to DCUM. All my friends in the "nice" midwest have an inlaw problem too. People on here are just blunt.

Here's the thing: I don't know anyone on either the midwest or the DC area who has any real problems with in laws. We don't. Never have. Our kids don't. Never have. Our friends don't. Never have.

It's a DCUM issue.

Nah. People complain about their in-laws all over their subs and groups on Reddit and FB too.

I’m in the DC area. Half my friends find reasons to complain about their in laws but would never do it online. In my friend group it’s done during our monthly brunch or our WhatsApp group chat.

[Anonymous]

Yeah I don't know anyone who doesn't have some problems with their in laws. It seems to cut across cultural and SES boundaries too so its somewhat of a unifying factor. My Indian and Chinese friends have stories that make my Jewish friends with crazy MILs feel better. The crazy strings that in laws with money try to pull can often rival the trailer park trash stunts pulled by ones without money.

We may all be very different but we can all agree that in laws are just like fish, after 3 days both start to stink.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s like yelp reviews. Only those who really have a problem post.

+100000

[Anonymous]

Many of you are just lucky and don’t get it. My MIL is not a bad person and we don’t have major issues, but she’s not easy to be close to. Her visits are stressful and yes, I do vent online. She makes snarky comments about our home and my body, is not a nice house guest (super messy and doesn’t pick up after herself), and is very hands off with the children, which is fine, they aren’t her children. But she is constantly complaining she’s hurt and offended they aren’t more excited to see her when she visits. Lady, you can bring towers upon towers of gifts, but if you spend your visit sipping wine on the couch instead of playing with the baby and toddler, they aren’t going to feel close to you. She arrives unhappy, complains and snarks at us, and leaves unhappy - and we all feel relieved. I feel sorry for her because she’s lonely and we are all she has. I am civil and welcoming and just bite my tongue 99% of the time. But I’m not going to go out of my way for someone who is not particularly nice to me and never has been.

[Anonymous]

Well my MIL spent the holidays with my H’s rapist and said family is family... incest. So, call me a controlling DIL but she can burn in he!!.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well my MIL spent the holidays with my H’s rapist and said family is family... incest. So, call me a controlling DIL but she can burn in he!!.

I’m so sorry PP. I hope your husband has gone no contact with all of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most people I know well enough to actually talk to about stuff like this have problems with their in laws, their own parents or both. Most, not all.

I don't know -any- people who have inlaw or parent problems like I see here on DCUM. No one in my neighborhood, at the club, at our kids schools, at work. Yes, everyone has small challenges (ugh my dad missed 2 doctor appointments so I had to …, rats my inlaws got lost going to Little Larlo's game and now they're stuck in traffic in Tysons and the game is almost over …, omg my dad forgot Hubby's birthday again and I forgot to remind him …) but I can't think of single friend or couple that have the kinds of bitter, cutting anger towards family members that I see here.

I just don't get all the anger. Honestly I think people reap what they sow.

Same here. I don't encounter the level of anger and resentment over trivial things that I see here. I do have a few friends that went no contact due to abuse, and we do talk a lot about that, but I put that in a really different category than the angry whining over stupid stuff I see here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s like yelp reviews. Only those who really have a problem post.

+2

Yup, sample size bias. You'll notice that people with happy and stable marriages don't post much on the relationships board