Why do so many on DCUM have in law problems?

[Anonymous]

My IL’s are great and I rarely hear my friends speak poorly about their IL’s. My in laws are incredibly warm to me and they adore my children and they are off the charts generous. They recently loaned us a very large mount of money as we desperately needed a larger home. I was so grateful and then they told us they decided it was a gift and not a loan. I was speechless and when I went to thank my FIL he simply said no thanks needed, gave me a hug and then went off to play with my children.

[Anonymous]

Because in-laws are forced relationships that you otherwise would not attempt to make. Most of the time the in-laws are intrusive and annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My IL’s are great and I rarely hear my friends speak poorly about their IL’s. My in laws are incredibly warm to me and they adore my children and they are off the charts generous. They recently loaned us a very large mount of money as we desperately needed a larger home. I was so grateful and then they told us they decided it was a gift and not a loan. I was speechless and when I went to thank my FIL he simply said no thanks needed, gave me a hug and then went off to play with my children.

You did not have to accept the $ gift. You sound like a freeloading leech.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My IL’s are great and I rarely hear my friends speak poorly about their IL’s. My in laws are incredibly warm to me and they adore my children and they are off the charts generous. They recently loaned us a very large mount of money as we desperately needed a larger home. I was so grateful and then they told us they decided it was a gift and not a loan. I was speechless and when I went to thank my FIL he simply said no thanks needed, gave me a hug and then went off to play with my children.

You did not have to accept the $ gift. You sound like a freeloading leech.

Why not accept the gift? Get off your moral high horse and simply accept that you are jealous. She was very grateful for the loan which isn't freeloading.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because in-laws are forced relationships that you otherwise would not attempt to make. Most of the time the in-laws are intrusive and annoying.

I got to know my IL's very well before we got engaged which made it easier to say yes but you are right that it is a forced relationship. My husband had a great relationship with my Dad (before he passed away) and he has a very good relationship with my mother though she has a habit of speaking her mind which can annoy both of us. We are now IL's and we do our very best to not be intrusive and annoying. It's never been part of our DNA but I have certainly seen it in other families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At least 50% of I law issues are the DILs, not the MILs. Men have far fewer issues with their inlaws and don't get caught up over every little petty and trivial thing like women do. Most of the in law issues that get posted on here aren't even real issues - they are just that an MIL didn't do things exactly as the DIL wanted or commanded her too and therefore she is hated.

I laugh when I read all these in-law issues. How dare they give my child a present that isn't exactly the same as te only gift we told them they are allowed to give my child. So many are this type of issue. It is all about power and control.

So the other 50% would be a MIL problem, right?

[Anonymous]

I miss my mother in law and father in law. They were very good people and always welcoming to me. Sadly both have passed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I miss my mother in law and father in law. They were very good people and always welcoming to me. Sadly both have passed.

Me too! They were so loving and nonjudgemental and my children adored them. I have a wonderful picture of my first grandson being held so lovingly at 3 months by his great grandfather who passed away later that year. Priceless!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's also that many of us were born in different states and then moved here to DC for work. The majority of inlaw problems arise with travel and visiting. I'm so jealous of people who go over for Christmas dinner for 3 hours, have a merry time and then leave. They get to sleep in their own beds and watch their kids open presents under their own trees. And they get to see inlaws on Christmas Eve and parents on Christmas night. Everyone sees them and no one fights over whose turn it is. No one has to take planes, trains and cars with their kids all sleeping in closets and with time changes.

Local parents help and you also help them. It's much more equal. Non local parents just demand visits, have never babysat, and rarely visit

Here’s a shout out from the Amen Corner!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I miss my mother in law and father in law. They were very good people and always welcoming to me. Sadly both have passed.

You forget how annoying people are when they’re gone. You’re like those elderly women who go on the parenting forums here and say that their kids never misbehaved. Nope, you just don’t remember it correctly.

[Anonymous]

I'm lucky to have two in-laws who are kind and generous and very low drama

[Anonymous]

I don’t have any in law problems. They have some in law problems with me - mostly because they think I should compensate for DH (re: calling more, thank you notes etc) which I’m not going to do because A) he should do it and B) it feels like a betrayal to him which is trauma they all cooked up together when they had an acrimonious divorce. I’ve long since decided never to adjudicate any of that and just to be 100% in my DH’s corner because that’s what he deserved then and didn’t get.

[Anonymous]

Most women on DCUM are type-A and married to successful men. Successful men are often raised by assertive, controlling, type-A women. Alpha women don't get along with other alphas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have any in law problems. They have some in law problems with me - mostly because they think I should compensate for DH (re: calling more, thank you notes etc) which I’m not going to do because A) he should do it and B) it feels like a betrayal to him which is trauma they all cooked up together when they had an acrimonious divorce. I’ve long since decided never to adjudicate any of that and just to be 100% in my DH’s corner because that’s what he deserved then and didn’t get.

This, to a degree. Not the same scenario but:

IMO it is often that the ILs have a problem with the DIL early on (often disapprove of the marriage or the woman their son has chosen- for whatever reason) and make it known. Then they are surprised when this effects their relationship with their son and grandchildren. If this is addressed early on in the marriage it is often recoverable but the longer it goes on, the more tension there is. They don’t seem to think ahead.

I cringe when I see questions like “should I tell my brother we have concerns about his fiancé?” Etc. No good will come of that, pretty much ever. Also men are foolish and 9 times out 10 they will tell their fiancé/wife exactly what was said. Sets up a very bad scenario from the beginning. Then the ILs are shocked, just shocked, that son and DIL aren’t as close to them as they would like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have any in law problems. They have some in law problems with me - mostly because they think I should compensate for DH (re: calling more, thank you notes etc) which I’m not going to do because A) he should do it and B) it feels like a betrayal to him which is trauma they all cooked up together when they had an acrimonious divorce. I’ve long since decided never to adjudicate any of that and just to be 100% in my DH’s corner because that’s what he deserved then and didn’t get.

This, to a degree. Not the same scenario but:

IMO it is often that the ILs have a problem with the DIL early on (often disapprove of the marriage or the woman their son has chosen- for whatever reason) and make it known. Then they are surprised when this effects their relationship with their son and grandchildren. If this is addressed early on in the marriage it is often recoverable but the longer it goes on, the more tension there is. They don’t seem to think ahead.

I cringe when I see questions like “should I tell my brother we have concerns about his fiancé?” Etc. No good will come of that, pretty much ever. Also men are foolish and 9 times out 10 they will tell their fiancé/wife exactly what was said. Sets up a very bad scenario from the beginning. Then the ILs are shocked, just shocked, that son and DIL aren’t as close to them as they would like[/b].

[b]

+1. My MIL made several unfortunate remarks to DH about me and my family when we were dating and in the early years of our marriage. It made me distrust her overtures to me later when our children were born. I will never make that mistake with my children’s SOs.