MIL said I abandoned my children by working

[Anonymous]

I think both you and your DH handled it perfectly. It's laughable. If it's still bothering you and if you are close with her, then I see no issue with you telling her how her comment made you feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have found that as my mother and MIL have aged (now in their eighties), that they have much less of a filter. Their deeply-held beliefs and opinions are voiced more often even when there are people present who could be offended. You are correct to think that she has probably always felt this way about you working. I think you responded appropriately.

No, I don't think that you can assume that she has always felt this way towards Op. It is just the topic of the week. She could have seen something on t.v. that inspired those comments for all you know.

Just this past week my mom announced that she doesn't like ham. Well, I guess that means that we won't be having ham at our holiday meals now. Good to know!

She hasn't always disliked ham but her tastes have changed.

Yet OP’s MIL only backtracked a teeny bit so she didn’t happen to forget momentarily that her DIL worked and apologize for her gaffe. This is not about something minor like a change in taste for a food item.

The ham is just an example of how older people's views can change over time. We've had ham on certain holidays ever since I was a kid and now suddenly my mom dislikes ham. If I had reacted to my Mom's statement "I don't like ham" by getting up and acting irritated I'm sure that she would have "backtracked", too. She wasn't intentionally trying to annoy me with her statement. It just sort of slipped out and she surprised me with it.

Every now and then she'll see something hyped up on t.v. that "ALL" the teens are doing and she'll warn me "Make sure they aren't vaping" or doing some type of drug. If I chose to take that as an insult - "Wow. You must not think too much of my parenting!" , I would be miserable. That isn't what she was saying at all. But it's also not something she would have just randomly said only 10 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
She’s thought this all along.
Expect more along those lines as she ages and loses her filter.

Welcome to the world of intolerance and bigotry!

Easy there cowboy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me preface it by saying that I never had any huge issues with my MIL until now (married over 16 years), but the other night at dinner she was talking about how working moms just abandon their children and how awful it was. My husband just started laughing out loud and I said oh my kids are abandoned to which she backtracked a teeny bit and I responded with well you said it and then excused myself to do the dishes (in the same room). She stayed for about another half hour ranting on her first world problems of old people and then we all said goodbye (nothing was said of the comment etc). I was piloted despite how pissed off I was. It makes me wonder if she’s felt this way all along and why now she is saying it. Needless to say I’m not looking forward to having her over for Christmas. Any advice on how to deal with this?

If she ever says anything again your husband should say " I guess I am abandoning them too!"

[Anonymous]

Tell her if she wants to see what a abandonment looks like, that’s what’s going to happen to her in her old age

[Anonymous]

ILs gonna hate. Over the years, I’ve heard the following complaints about my SIL:

-She stayed home with their first and made no money, not fair that their precious son had to pay for everything.
-She went worked after their second was born and as a result he’s developmentally behind.
-She doesn’t make enough money. Not fair that their son makes a much high income.
-She got a very high paying job, but now their son has to care for their kids more and can’t go to the gym as much. Not fair.

I’m sure they say the same things about me behind my back. Whatever.

[Anonymous]

Ignore her OP. You do you. What is best for you is best for your family.

[Anonymous]

She is a B. Ignore her. Let your husband deal with her.

[Anonymous]

Why can’t Mother in laws just be nice?Is it really that hard to keep your ugly opinions to yourself for the length of a visit? My MIL could write an instructional manual on how NOT to be a MIL!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ignore her OP. You do you. What is best for you is best for your family.

Huh? How does that work when everyone in the family has the same attitude? Not much of a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think both you and your DH handled it perfectly. It's laughable. If it's still bothering you and if you are close with her, then I see no issue with you telling her how her comment made you feel.

This.

It is a hurtful comment as she is implying that you are abandoning your children even if she isn't saying your name. Your right to be offended however you are also right that saying something might create tension unnecessarily. I would wait and try to ignore unless she brings it up again and then I would let her know how you feel and that her comments are not wanted.

If she continues to needle you on this then speak up because let's face it, if she isn't considering your feelings then you don't need to protect hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think both you and your DH handled it perfectly. It's laughable. If it's still bothering you and if you are close with her, then I see no issue with you telling her how her comment made you feel.

This.

It is a hurtful comment as she is implying that you are abandoning your children even if she isn't saying your name. Your right to be offended however you are also right that saying something might create tension unnecessarily. I would wait and try to ignore unless she brings it up again and then I would let her know how you feel and that her comments are not wanted.

If she continues to needle you on this then speak up because let's face it, if she isn't considering your feelings then you don't need to protect hers.

This. Also, how are you “close” to someone who has been making comments like this over the years? What makes you close? She obviously has passive aggressive feelings toward you. Bottom line is ...she does not respect you. I would avoid her from here on out.

[Anonymous]

Your DH needs to correct her privately. If you do it, you just become the bitchy, defensive DIL. Her comment was rude and out of line.

[Anonymous]

While it was inappropriate, I think sometimes “we” need to see where this is coming from.

One of my dearest friends is my mother’s age, and through her eyes, I’ve started to see what women have had to go through. They were on the cusp of “women can have a career”, but I trust no one believed it. My friend wanted to be a teacher, but many teachers (In the UK) at the time were expected to be single women, and once they were married, and especially if they had children, it was kind of assumed they would no longer teach. She became a “tax lady” instead.

What I’m saying is that even if many of these women had career aspirations outside of raising a family, those opportunities weren’t really as available as we like to think.

Aside from that, it’s also only an opinion, and not necessarily a judgement. She may be expressing that how SHE would feel, which might feel like abandoning her children. I can’t imagine not working, but I have total respecT for my SAHP friends.

[Anonymous]

This is a great reason for a polite but frosty distance from here until her death. Enjoy, OP!